PLOP!
Rather sorrowfully, it rolled to a stop at the end of the road and let out a pitiful yelp.
A large tear, around the size of a football, welled up in its eye and trickled down its fur.
“HA! HA!” mocked Myrtle. “It’s nothing but a great big scaredy-cat!”*
Feeling all full of herself now, the girl waddled over to the creature.
WADDLE! WIDDLE! WUDDLE!
“I wouldn’t go near it if I were you, darling one,” cautioned Father.
“Come back, please, bunnykins,” pleaded Mother.
“SHUT YOUR FACES!” was the charming reply. “I’m gonna give it another ginormous boot up the bottom! And this time it’s really gonna hurt!”
growled FING, and its eye narrowed.
This time, it was ready. When the girl kicked up her leg, its mouth widened. (Let’s please assume it was not its bottom this time.)
CHOMP!
It locked on to her ankle.
“ARGH!” said the girl. “IT’S GOT ME FOOT!”
Mr and Mrs Meek rushed over to extract their daughter from FING’S grasp.
FING, STOP!” shouted Father.
“PLEASE, FING! I IMPLORE YOU!” joined in Mother.
However, before they could reach her, FING began rolling down the road at terrific speed, taking Myrtle with it.
Every time FING completed a circle, Myrtle was rolled over.
WAH!” she wailed as the weight of the ginormous FING squashed her.
Father and Mother chased after them, but the creature rolled faster and faster.
WHIZZ!
The “WAH!” “WAH!” “WAH!”s came faster and faster too.
Soon FING was rolling so speedily that the pair became a blur.
“I’ve got a stitch!” complained Father.
Mother stopped to comfort him. “Poor you!”
After just a few seconds, FING and Myrtle were far away. In a few seconds more, they had completely disappeared.
echoed in the distance, until Myrtle could be heard no more.
“Goodbye, sweetest of sweet cheeks!” called out Mother.
“Farewell, my angel sent from heaven!” called out Father.
There followed a sound Mr and Mrs Meek hadn’t heard for a long, long time. Not since the day Myrtle had been born.
The sound of silence.
The pair smiled. For the first time in years, a sense of peace descended upon them. Mr Meek reached for Mrs Meek’s hand. She looked at him lovingly, and he squeezed it tight. Hand in hand, the pair walked back to whatever was left of their house. And, of course, to finally take THE MONSTERPEDIA back to the LIBRARY. The fine was now a whopping.
Months passed with absolutely no sign of Myrtle. There were no sightings of her anywhere, despite Mr and Mrs Meek putting up a poster in the window of the library.
Of course, they wanted their daughter back safely. Life just wasn’t the same without her, even though now they didn’t have to carry the great lump to school. Now they didn’t have to buy a tonne of chocolate every week. Now they could read their beloved poetry books in peace. Now they could wake up in the morning to the birds singing in the trees rather than the sound of Myrtle howling. Now they could watch things other than CARTOONS on the television.
In fact, it wasn’t until they were watching a nature programme one evening some years later that Mr and Mrs Meek finally discovered what had happened to their daughter.
“Here, in the deepest, darkest, jungliest jungle,” began the safari-suited expert in hushed tones, “we can see all kinds of curious creatures that we thought had died out many years ago.”
“That is where I found FING!” exclaimed Father, nearly spitting out his tea. He and his wife were sitting in their caravan, which was parked exactly where their house used to stand. Sadly, the house was still a pile of rubble.
“There might be a clue to the whereabouts of our beauteous daughter,” replied Mother.
The pair leaned forward on the sofa.
On the screen, the expert continued his commentary. “This patch of the Earth, so remote that even we don’t know where we actually are, is home to all sorts of creatures that our forefathers thought were monsters, and which have only been written about in a long-lost ancient book entitled THE MONSTERPEDIA.”
“That’s the book from the vaults of the library!” said Father, dunking a custard-cream biscuit into his tea.
“Behold these creatures, which have never,
ever been captured on camera before. Look, there is a honkopotamus.
That is a flock of wong-wing birds.
The two-headed reptilian creature is a croco-croco.
And, just buzzing over my head, which is why the Earth is now entirely in shadow, is the flying helephant. However weird and wonderful you think these creatures are, nothing compares to the FING.”
“There it is!” shouted Mr Meek at the television.
Onscreen, the giant furry ball rolled into view. FING had grown even bigger, and was now the size of a planet.*
“This colossal and entirely round being has just one eye and an opening at each end, though no one knows which end is which, not even the FING itself. Surely this is the most curious creature in the deepest, darkest jungle?”
“YES!” shouted Mr and Mrs Meek back at the television.
The presenter continued. “Well, an animal not even listed in THE MONSTERPEDIA is this bizarre-looking beast. A creature that, as far as we know, has never, ever been seen by humans before…”
Mr and Mrs Meek slid off the sofa so their faces were now right next to the television. On the screen appeared an extremely curious creature indeed. It was impossibly tall and thin, as if it had been flattened, or rolled into shape.
“It is almost human in form,” began the expert. “But this is no human being. Caked in mud, it lives in the swamps of the deepest, darkest, jungliest jungle, where it feeds on giant worms or pludges. The only sound it makes is MORE!”
Right on cue, it let out a MORE!”
Mr and Mrs Meek knew that sound.
“MYRTLE!” they screamed.
“Should we try to bring her back?” asked Father.
Mother studied the screen, and watched as Myrtle took a massive chomp out of a giant worm.
CHOMP!
“I think she looks happy enough,” replied Mother.
“You are right,” he agreed. “Why spoil her fun?”
The onscreen commentary continued. “From what we have observed over the months we have spent here, this creature is by far the most feared in the deepest, darkest, jungliest jungle. When it approaches, all the other animals scatter.”
True to his word, as Myrtle stomped through the trees…
…the honkopotamus used its wind power to shoot off.
The helephant flew into a tree.
BOOM!
And FING rolled off in the opposite direction.
However, it wasn’t fast enough for Myrtle’s long arms. She grabbed hold of the colossal beast.
it growled.
She lifted it above her head…
…and hurled it right at the presenter.
“ARGH!” the presenter screamed.
Then the screen fizzled to black.
“Oh dear,” remarked Mother.
“Oh dear indeed,” remarked Father.
The next morning, Mr and Mrs Meek woke up with the feeling that they needed to do something. They weren’t sure exactly what. But something. When they arrived at the library before opening time, the first thing they did was descend the steps to the dark and dingy vaults. There was the dusty old leather-bound book that had started them on this journey, THE MONSTERPEDIA.
“Have you got a pen, Father?” asked Mother.
“Here you go, Mother,” replied Father, handing her his fountain pen.
The book bounced up on to a table, and opened itself.
FLICK!
The lady found an empty page, and began writing.
Now
THE MONSTERPEDIA
could finally be
complete.
“Excellent work, Mother.”
“Thank you, Father.”
“A cup of tea and a biscuit?”
“Ooh yes. I don’t mind if I do.”
So you see, Mr and Mrs Meek really did have a monster for a child. Of course, monsters belong in only one place, the deepest, darkest, jungliest jungle. So, children, do make sure you
BEHAVE, or
you might just end up there.
Here is your very own custard cream to keep!
Footnotes
Chapter 1: Howling
*Just write to me to claim your prize of one pound. Please don’t forget to include for postage and packing. The Walliamsictionary.
Chapter 2: An Alphabet of Stuff
*Bought at an auction for thousands of pounds.
*Myrtle would even have loathed this one, even though it is all about her.
Chapter 3: Fury
*Just write to me to claim your prize of one pound. Please don’t forget to include for postage and packing.
Chapter 4: Bestest Best
*A really heavy ox at that. One that might win a rosette for heaviness.
*Unfortunately, this sort of thing happened every morning to poor Mr and Mrs Meek. Indeed, Father still had a piece of double chocolate cake in his ear from last week’s packed-lunch volley, which he had been saving for his lunch.
Chapter 5: Giant Poops
*Almost, but not quite. Nothing was as heavy as Myrtle.
*Even my ones. Really, they should have looked through this book, but of course it hadn’t been written yet.
Chapter 13: Underpants and Socks
*Peeved because emus do not like being ridden. At all. Do not try it. It will only end in tears. Yours, not the emu’s.
*Said sandal had been devoured by an emu.
**How dare you!
Chapter 15: Trap!
*Or, as we are in the jungle, we could say BONGO!
*Whatever you do in life, do not try to eat your own underwear. Even smothered in tomato ketchup, it will taste bad.
*I know what you are thinking, but, no, it wasn’t me.
Chapter 16: Suspicious Droppings
*Although not at all tasty.
Chapter 17: Wiggled, Waggled and Woggled
*Well, you might say this if you were in that much pain.
*Another scream of pain, in case you were wondering.
**A scream, of course. Keep up.
**Best not done consecutively.
**Another real word you will find in The Walliamsictionary.
Chapter 18: Double Trouble
*As you can tell, complete and utter accuracy is of paramount importance in this book.
*Two tails and no head would be worse.
Chapter 19: Flying Sausage
*Once a helephant slept for seventeen years, and still woke up in a foul mood.
*No wedgies are nice, but, even by the standards of nasty wedgies, this was a particularly vicious one.
Chapter 20: Furry Finger-Warmer
*Yes, that is a real word too, clever clogs. Just check your Walliamsictionary.
Chapter 21: Hot-Air Fing-Ing
*This is a variation of hot-air ballooning. Hot-air ballooning is not to be confused with hot-air babooning. That is when baboons talk absolute nonsense for hours on end.
*Not something for which you want to be admitted to hospital.
“Doctor, Doctor, it’s my bottom. I fear it may be broken.”
“Just let me see… Oh, this is embarrassing… Yes, it is broken. We are going to have to put a cast on it for the next month or so.”
“What if I need the toilet?”
“I’m afraid you will just have to hold it in.”
“YIPES!”
Chapter 23: Bestest Best
*The gradations of anger are as follows:
*Or, to use the correct term, “crazy in the coconut”.
Chapter 25: Wart
*Wart competitions were incredibly popular in medieval times, when having a face consisting entirely of warts was considered the height of beauty.
Chapter 26: A Volcanic Explosion of Tears, Snot and Dribble
*Tutting was invented by King Tut, or Tutankhamun, the Ancient Egyptian pharaoh. Every day he would go to see his pyramid being built, and tut loudly if any of his slaves stopped for a tea break.
*Look the word up in The Walliamsictionary. It does exist. Snotted means bogeyed, phlegmed or boogered.
Chapter 28: Gobble!
*Tyres are not recommended eating. They do tend to taste a tiny bit rubbery.
Chapter 29: Big Fing, Meet Little Fing
*We will never really know.
*The best book on how to introduce pets to one another is called How to Introduce Pets to One Another.
Chapter 31: Pong
*HANDY HINT: Fing droppings actually make an inexpensive alternative to paint remover.
Chapter 32: Fizzling Fur
*This was good news for wombats as generally they don’t enjoy getting juiced. Well, would you?
*Myrtle only had two feet, not three. She stamped her right foot once and her left foot twice, hence the three stomps. Apologies for any confusion. If Myrtle did have three feet, I am pretty sure I would have mentioned it earlier.
*That is an evil laugh.
Chapter 33: Nightmare
*That is a dramatic musical sting. Again, like the evil laugh, it will probably work better if read out loud.
Chapter 34: Escaped Burp
*Celebrated physicist Albert Einstein’s burps smelled mainly of fried onions.
*Raj always gets annoyed when I don’t include him in a book, so here he is. Happy now?
Chapter 36: A Ginormous Boot up the Bottom
*I wouldn’t recommend either.
*I know any cats reading this will accuse me of being cattist for using this phrase. Apologies.
Epilogue
*A small planet. But, still, a planet.
Enjoyed this story? Then CLICK on the covers below for more laugh-out-loud reads from your favourite writer!
Dads come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. There are fat ones and thin ones, tall ones and short ones. There are silly ones and serious ones, loud ones and quiet ones.
Of course there are good dads. And there are bad dads …
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And have you read the hilarious stories of the world’s worst children?
Previously written by David Walliams:
THE BOY IN THE DRESS
MR STINK
BILLIONAIRE BOY
GANGSTA GRANNY
RATBURGER
DEMON DENTIST
AWFUL AUNTIE
GRANDPA’S GREAT ESCAPE
THE MIDNIGHT GANG
BAD DAD
THE ICE MONSTER
THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN
THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN 2
THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN 3
Also available in picture book:
THE SLIGHTLY ANNOYING ELEPHANT
THE FIRST HIPPO ON THE MOON
THE QUEEN’S ORANG-UTAN
THE BEAR WHO WENT BOO!
THERE’S A SNAKE IN MY SCHOOL!
BOOGIE BEAR
GERONIMO
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