by Sarah Bailey
“Did something happen?”
I winced thinking of Julian again.
“Nothing to be concerned over.”
“Kotik…”
“Honestly, it’s fine. The boys are taking care of me. I’d tell you if they weren’t.”
I saw Rory smile out of the corner of my eye and wondered what he thought of my side of the conversation.
“The boys? Should that not be Mr Knox’s responsibility?”
“You can call him Quinn, he is my boyfriend and well, you’re my… dad.”
I wanted to get off the subject of what the other boys meant to me. After the weird looks that prison guard had given me last night hearing about me, Xav and Eric being involved with each other, I wasn’t sure I wanted to risk telling Viktor. What would he even think? His only daughter having four boyfriends.
“And the others? Should I call them by their names too as I’m your… dad?”
It felt weird to hear him say that. Then I realised the implications of what he’d just said.
“I guess you can.”
I didn’t want to directly address it. That conversation between us could wait. And now I knew I would have to have it whether I wanted to or not. It shouldn’t come as surprise considering Viktor had dug deep into Quinn’s past. Perhaps he’d done the same for the others.
Don’t ask. You probably don’t want to know.
“I’m not sure I’m ready to call you dad or father,” I continued, wanting to change the subject. “I still feel as though we’re strangers.”
“There is no rush, kotik. This is new for me as well.”
How could I forget that? We were both in the same situation. Him suddenly discovering he had a kid who was now a fully grown adult and me finding out the man I thought was my father wasn’t really at all.
“I should go… Um, will you call me if anything happens to Isabella?”
“I will. And tell those men of yours I’m watching.”
“Uh, I will. Speak soon.”
I hung up feeling a little worried about that last part. I was pretty sure Viktor knew I was involved with Xav, Eric and Rory as well as Quinn. And I had to tell Quinn what we’d discussed now. However, he was still talking with Xav and Eric as far as I was aware.
“Okay, little star?”
I jolted at the sound of his voice and turned to Rory.
“Um, yeah, I should talk to Quinn, but I don’t want to interrupt him.”
He reached out a hand to me. Cautiously, I approached him, placing my hand in his. He smiled down at me, his hazel eyes bright which was very unlike Rory.
“Do you want to stay with me whilst you wait?”
Chapter 5
Ash blinked at my question as if it was the last thing she’d been expecting me to say. After yesterday, I’d thought long and hard about what I should do about me and her. I wanted to try harder. I wanted to let her in. A world without this beautiful girl would leave me floundering in the darkness, all alone without any hope. Ash gave me hope. She gave me starlight. She gave me everything.
My little star.
Was I still terrified as hell of hurting her?
Fuck yes.
But I couldn’t let fear control my life. Not when I had her. Not when she’d been patient. Not when she was prepared to give me it all. Give me her. The only person I’d ever wanted more with. The only girl who’d stolen a piece of me and wouldn’t give it back. She gripped it so tightly, holding on with all her might. How could I do anything but give in?
“I’d like that,” she whispered, her voice so soft and cautious as if she was scared I’d change my mind.
I’ll never change my mind about you, little star. You’re guiding me home.
It was time to brave. Take a leap of faith. And show Ash who I really was.
I led her out of the kitchen and along the hallway. Her fingers shook in mine, but I think she was wondering where I was taking her. We walked up the stairs together and along the corridor, stopping outside my bedroom door.
“Ror…”
“I just want to show you my comic collection and talk…”
Having her in my room would be a struggle for me since I’d never brought a girl in here before. Then again, I’d never had a relationship with anyone so of this this was entirely new to me. The cell where we’d held Ash is where I’d had encounters before. We’d had to change things for Ash’s arrival. It used to be more of a playroom.
This felt a little like I was a teenage boy sneaking a girl into my room under the guise of wanting to talk but really, there’d be some heavy petting involved. Except I wasn’t planning on taking things a step further today. Yes, I wanted to touch Ash, but to actually have sex with her was a different matter entirely. It’d been so long since I’d been with a woman in that way and Ash wasn’t like those women. She meant something to me. I didn’t want to scare or hurt her. And she still didn’t understand why human contact was hard for me. Why I struggled so much when she touched me without warning even as I craved her soft skin against mine.
I opened the door and pulled her inside, not stopping to shut it again. It’d be better if I didn’t give in to the urge to lock her away with me. The beast rattled his cage, but I ignored it, trying to focus on why I’d brought her here.
Ash looked around, her crystal blue eyes wide. One and a half of the walls had floor to ceiling black bookshelves which held all of my comics, graphic novels and hardbacks. The rest of the walls and ceiling were painted a midnight blue. Scattered across the ceiling were tiny white flecks which represented the night’s sky. Quinn had commissioned someone to paint several of the constellations for me. There was one star brighter than the rest which was situated right above my bed. The northern star.
My bed sat in the middle of the room, up against the wall which had a huge graphic print of Batman above it. All of my furniture was black, which I suppose was a little morbid, but I didn’t like bright colours much. I had my own bathroom too, just like we all did.
The curtains of the big window on the last wall were open, allowing the sunlight to stream in. A beam of it hit Ash directly, lighting up her blonde hair and making her look angelic. I swear it made my heart stop.
“I don’t know what I was expecting, but… it feels very much like you.”
“Dark and twisty?”
She grinned.
“Just a little.”
“Do you want to sit?”
I indicated the comfy dark grey sofa I had underneath the window where I spent many hours reading when I wasn’t in my conservatory. Quinn, Xav and Eric mostly left me to my own devices. I’d always been solitary, preferring my own company to anyone else’s. When Quinn did call on me, I didn’t hesitate to help since he had my loyalty even if sometimes I didn’t really want to go out.
When she didn’t object, I pulled her over to the sofa and we both sat. It felt weird, having someone in my space. Having a girl here. Only Quinn came in my room and usually it was because he was agitated so wasn’t prepared to wait for me to emerge.
“So this is where you hide.”
I shrugged and leant back against the cushions, watching her make herself comfortable with her legs curled up next to her. She looked so perfect there like she belonged next to me. How could I have ever thought having her in here would be a bad thing? That it would make me crazy. I mean it did on some level. I wanted to ravage her unlike anything else. Use her lithe little body in all the ways I’d imagined. My mouth watered at the thought of her naked, waiting for me, begging me, writhing beneath me as I marked her over and over again.
I looked away, feeling a little hot under the collar. Those thoughts weren’t welcome right now. Not when I had temptation staring me in the fucking face.
“You have me in your room, Ror… what are you going to do with me?”
I got startled by her question. My head whipped around and I caught her biting her lip with amusement in her eyes. She was tea
sing me. I was right, this really did feel like we were teenagers. I shook my head and smiled.
“I really did bring you in here to show you my comic collection.”
She leant forward a little.
“Okay, if you say so.”
“You don’t believe me?”
She shrugged and spread her hands.
“I’ve never had a girl in my room before and I wasn’t going to ask the others what I’m supposed to do since they’d likely just take the piss.”
Her smile softened.
“You don’t have to do anything. Also, it’s wise of you not to ask, they’d probably think it was for tips on how to please me in bed or something.”
I had a pretty good idea of how to please Ash already. She was so responsive to my touch, like she was starved of it. No worries on that score. I’d make her putty in my hands.
“I don’t need tips,” I muttered.
Even the thought of asking any of them how to please a woman made my skin itch. I might not have had a girlfriend, but I wasn’t a virgin either. Instructions weren’t necessary.
“If anything they should be asking you for kissing lessons.”
I stared at her, quirking my eyebrow up.
“Excuse me?”
“When you kiss me, it’s like I’m being devoured, but in a good way. Has anyone ever told you, you’re a little feral?”
I felt my face growing hot. No one had ever really told me I was good at kissing before, though honestly, I hadn’t kissed many girls.
“No.”
“I like it… a lot.”
My eyes fell on her lips. The thought of kissing her sent blood rushing down to my dick. Something I’d already been trying to keep in check but talk of being intimate with her hadn’t helped matters at all. She was right there though. Just a foot away from me.
Kiss her. You know you want to. You want her.
I didn’t just want to kiss her. I wanted to possess her completely. Make her mine every way I could. She’d already been marked yesterday but it wasn’t enough. Nothing would ever be enough when it came to Ash.
Reaching out, I wrapped a hand around her ankle and tugged. My other hand found its way up her calf, pulling until she was flat on her back, her legs bent at the knees. Then I was leaning over her, staring down at this beautiful girl who’d utterly enraptured me. Ash’s eyes drew me in, taunting me with the desire simmering within them.
“You like the way I kiss?”
She nodded, biting her lip. I leant closer and tugged her lip from her teeth with mine. I sucked it into my mouth, watching her reaction. Her pupils dilated and she sucked in a breath.
“This lip is mine,” I whispered. “The only teeth that should be on it are mine.”
The only place we were touching was our mouths, brushing against each other but not quite kissing.
“Ror…”
“You’re too tempting, little star, shattering my self-control with every fucking breath you take. I want to be wrapped up in you. I want your skin against mine. I want you so fucking much, it hurts.”
She kissed me once, twice before her lips returned to brushing against mine again.
“Let yourself have me… I’m yours.”
I wished it was that simple. That I could have her and it would be okay. Nothing in my life was that easy.
“I need you to understand all I’ve ever known is pain. Pain when someone touches me. Pain when someone speaks to me. Pain that tears you apart and the pieces never fit back together again. I don’t want to cause you pain. You’re too precious for such things.”
“Not all pain is equal or bad, Ror. You give me the type of pain I crave. When you hurt me, I feel alive. It heightens my pleasure. I know you’ve been through hell and back. I know you’ve suffered. I want to help you feel good. To make you happy. Give you what you need. Please let me. It’s just you and me here. I know you won’t go too far. I know you won’t break me. I trust you. Let that be enough for both of us.”
I pulled back so I could look at her properly. Her expression was so sincere. It’s not that I didn’t believe her, but my fears were still present. Fears of hurting her. Of her touching me during sex without warning and me freaking out over it. Then again, she’d touched me several times when I hadn’t been expecting it and I hadn’t lost my shit with her.
Reaching up, I twirled a lock of her hair around my finger, settling it across her chest.
“I didn’t bring you in here for… sex.”
“I know and we don’t have to do it either. I don’t need sex to be with you. That’s not what this is. I just want you… and maybe some kissing if you’re comfortable with it, but the other stuff? I’m not trying to pressurise you. I’m trying to tell you it’s okay if you want to let go with me. I’m trying to get you to see you don’t have to be afraid that I’ll run or I’ll break. I’m not going anywhere, Rory, no matter what you do to me.”
I stroked my fingers down her collarbone, brushing across the top of her chest. Her breath stuttered a little.
“I’m scared of you touching me, little star. I’m scared when your hands are on my bare skin, I’ll feel different hands… fists… and all the pain inflicted on me again and again. I don’t want that to happen, especially not when I’m inside you for the first time.”
She reached up, careful to do it slowly so I could see what she was about to do. Her hand grazed across my cheek.
“Then let me try without it being sexual. When there’s no pressure for it to be anything else.”
I leant into her touch, shivering as her fingers tightened around my face.
“Can I touch you at the same time?” I whispered.
Her eyes softened and grew ever more tender.
“Of course you can. Whatever you need.”
I didn’t deserve her. Yet it no longer mattered. Ash was mine.
I pulled away completely, sitting up and rubbing my face. She was right. Maybe we did need to do this slow. Take the pressure off. Maybe if she touched me without it being an issue, then I could move forward. I could let myself be with her fully.
I stood up and put my hand out to her. She shifted, turning so her feet landed on the carpet before putting her hand in mine so I could pull her up. I led her over to my bed, eying the open door warily. Shutting it completely seemed wrong but having it wide open for anyone to see what we were doing didn’t feel right either.
I left Ash by my bed and pushed the door over. When I returned to her side, she looked up at me with caution in her expression. I reached for her, my fingers curling around the bottom of her t-shirt. Pulling it off, my eyes immediately went to her chest, taking in how it rose and fell steadily and her perfect set of breasts contained in a see-through teal lace bra. I could see her nipples straining against the fabric. Swallowing hard, I tried not to think about how much I wanted to bite down on them until she cried.
“Lie down, little star.”
I watched her get on my bed. The first person other than me to be on there. It seemed fitting she’d get that first. Ash already had a lot of my firsts. The first girl I’d let go with when I kissed her. The first girl I’d ever been in a committed relationship with. The first girl I’d ever wanted completely.
Breathing hard, I pulled my own t-shirt off. Ash’s eyes roamed over me, making me very aware I might not be what she was expecting. I watched her throat work as she swallowed. There was nothing in her expression which told me she was disappointed. Quite the opposite. Naked fucking desire shone in her blue eyes.
I looked down at myself, wondering what it was about me she found so attractive. I hadn’t let myself go or anything, but there was a long faded scar running down the side of my abdomen from where one of the other foster kids had cut me. It was Quinn who’d taken me to A&E to get stitched up. My foster parents hadn’t given a shit about it nor had they even told the boy off who’d done it. They didn’t care about anything other than money and getting high
. That’s when they got abusive. I shuddered, closing down those thoughts before they got me worked up.
I knelt on the bed and crawled over her, breathing hard. Our bodies were so close together. The anticipation of this had my stomach churning. I needed her to get it over with because I couldn’t stand the tension in the air between us.
“Ash, please,” I whispered, staring down at her. The girl I wanted more than anything. Who I wanted this to work with so badly, it made my chest cave in to think her touch might destroy me.
Her hand came up and touched my face first, something I’d almost got used to. She brushed her fingers down my neck slowly as if approaching a wild animal for the first time. Perhaps in some ways, that’s exactly what was happening. If she went too fast, I might bolt.
As her fingers brushed over my chest, I tensed, expecting the worst. I wasn’t going to say it was exactly comfortable for me. The images blurred in front of my eyes but I shoved them back and concentrated on her. On Ash.
“Are you okay?”
Her words pierced through the silence. That soft voice so full of worry and concern. Her hand splayed out over my chest, right above where my heart was thumping so hard I thought it might fucking explode out.
“I’m trying to be.”
“Should I stop?”
I shook my head. Stopping would destroy all the progress we’d made. I didn’t want to take any more steps backwards. She and I needed to go forwards. Leaning on one hand, I used the other to run my fingers over the tops of her breasts not covered by lace. Touching her soothed me. Made her hand on my chest bearable. Her hand which ran lower, touching my stomach. She stopped when she reached fabric, then she moved her hand around my hip and slowly ran her fingers up my back. I breathed through it, each touch lessening my panic. Lessening my aversion, at least to her anyway.
“I want to kiss you,” I admitted when her hand rested on my shoulder.
“Then kiss me.”
I leant down and captured her mouth, loving the way she was so pliant. How she opened for me, letting me carve out a place for myself in her mouth.