Breaking the kiss, I held her face in my hands, locking my elbows on the bed. “I never want you to doubt how wonderful you are again. You’re everything and more. You’re more than I can bear. You have the power to hurt me worse than I can stand. Don’t you see that? You’re blind if you don’t.”
I kissed her again, claiming her protests and questions with a deep sweep of my tongue.
I dropped my fingers from her cheeks to her breast, sucking in a grunt at the full heat of her flesh, relishing in the healthy glow replacing the yellow and green bruises from before.
She bowed into me, her lips parting wider in pleasure. Kissing my way down her neck, I murmured, “I want you, Pim. I want to fuck you so much you have no idea.”
Her skin flushed as I ducked and captured her nipple in my mouth. “I’m barely holding it together knowing you want me. That you wouldn’t try to hide. That you’d let me touch you again…”
Her arms instantly wrapped around my head, holding me close, taking control over my pressure and speed.
I fucking loved it as much as I cursed it.
I might be at my gentlest right now, but I couldn't let her restrain me. Teaching her a lesson, I bit her delicious breast.
She flinched then shivered as I circled my tongue over the nipple I’d just punished. “You use the word love, yet you don’t fully understand it. Do you want me to show you…one last time? Do you want me to make love to you?”
Fear drenched me.
Knowledge of what this would do to me.
What it would mean.
But as her eyes turned hazy and a sensual smile decorated her face, I knew I had to do it for her. I would suffer the consequences. I would wear the pain, the shame, the horror of what would become of me all to honour what she’d given.
She stared, not giving me an answer.
“You have to say it, Pim. Tell me.”
Her eyes tightened as she sucked in a breath. “Yes, I want you to make love to me. One more time.”
“In that case, you have me.”
“Now?” The terrified, hopeful look undid me.
“No, not now.” Climbing off her, I backed away from the bed. If I didn’t put space between us quickly, I wouldn’t be heading to work. I’d break all my rules, and she’d be well and truly fucked not just once but again and again.
I’d promised I’d make love to her not fuck her.
I needed to find a way to do that without killing myself.
Rearranging my erection so it didn’t drive me insane, I muttered, “We’ll stay one more night.”
Scooting off the bed, she stood naked with victory and anticipation. “Thank you.”
“Oh, don’t thank me, little mouse. Don’t thank me for giving me exactly what I want. You should curse me. I would.”
Without saying goodbye, I left her to dress while I went to drown myself in work.
Tonight, she was mine one last time.
Tomorrow, I’d tell her about her mother.
After I’d shown her exactly what love could be.
After I’d tasted her.
Licked her.
Used her.
And become utterly, corruptly addicted to her.
Chapter Twenty-Six
______________________________
Pim
For half an hour, I sat in the hotel suite, dressed in a floaty baby blue dress that’d been packed for me by Phantom staff, staring out the window at the foot traffic and sparkling harbour beyond. The cheery architecture and rich toys of the wealthy and famous below beckoned me to play with them.
The thought of being out there on my own—of going where I wanted with no master to beat me, no rules to bind me…it was terrifying as well as liberating.
Elder hadn’t given me instructions not to explore, and I had no idea how long he’d be at the warehouse.
I was jittery with things that’d happened between us. Confused as to how nervous I was about tonight. And a little lost for telling him I loved him when I didn’t fully understand the word. I’d only known hate for so long…could I be mistaken about this warm magical feeling inside?
I couldn’t sit and do nothing anymore.
I couldn’t be surrounded by my thoughts.
Slipping into courage and a pair of black flip-flops, I marched purposely toward the door and opened it.
Instead of an open corridor full of indecision, there stood two strangers.
Men.
Instantly, my instincts prickled and hackles shot up. “Oh, hi.” I clutched the handle, eyeing the two men in dark suits. I swayed back, ready to slam the door in their face and lock it tight if they so much as sniffed toward me.
One, with a bald head and Mediterranean skin, smiled professionally. “Hello, Ms. Pimlico. Did you need something?”
They know my name?
“Um…” I glanced past them toward the elevator that would deposit me on the street where countless strangers and shops and sensations would be. If I couldn’t handle two strangers in a hotel…how would I handle teeming crowds in the wide-open world where crime was committed just as easily as lawful activities?
Puffing up my chest, I looked down my nose. Hoping I seemed in control and aloof and not trembling with rapidly building fear, I said, “I was just going for a walk.”
Was that permitted?
Who were these men?
Had Elder placed them there to keep me under lock and key? Were his talks of freedom worthless?
The shorter guard with a thin moustache and startling blue eyes moved out of the way. “Of course, great day for a walk.”
My mouth hung open as the corridor was made clear and the men granted me space to walk past. Terror replaced my fear. Perhaps I had it wrong, and these weren’t Elder’s men but sinister people who might hurt me the moment I stepped from the suite. Perhaps they were here to take me back.
Steal me back for Alrik.
Maybe Alrik had somehow woken from the dead and sent people after me?
Maybe it’s Monty?
Monty wasn’t there the day Darryl and Alrik tried to cut out my tongue.
He’s still out there…alive.
Backing into the suite, I shook my head. “On second thought…I might stay—”
The guard with blue eyes frowned. “Whatever you want, ma’am. Mr. Prest told us to go wherever you go and to protect you. But if you’d rather relax, we’re happy to keep you safe from out here.”
I paused, my fingers tightening on the door handle. “What did you say?”
“I said we’re here at your beck and call. Where you go, we go. Just to keep you safe.”
“So…you’re not here to prevent me from leaving?”
The bald guard grinned. “Not at all. We live on the Phantom and are under the employment of Elder Prest. Selix is with Mr. Prest, so he asked us to guard you.” He shrugged. “I know it’s an inconvenience, but those are the boss’s rules I’m afraid.”
Inconvenience?
Hell, I owed Elder an apology. I’d just thought the worst of him. After all my talk of trust and affection, I still expected him to keep me prisoner.
Wait…could I trust these men? They knew my name and Elder’s but so did Monty. He might not know Selix was Elder’s bodyguard, but I couldn’t shed my suspicion.
Would I ever believe someone without doing my own research? Would I ever be able to enjoy the company of people I didn’t know without searching for an alternate agenda?
My mind couldn’t comprehend why Elder had not only freed me, shown me the world, and given me things I could only dream of, but then gone out of his way to keep me safe.
I might have trust issues, but he trusted me to wander on my own with no approval from him. He was thoughtful enough to provide me with guards in case the world in its monstrous size scared the timid little mouse suddenly freed from her cage.
I narrowed my eyes, testing the guards. “Do you know a man named Monty?”
The two guys glanced at each other. I se
arched for lies but only saw puzzlement on their faces.
The bald man shrugged. “No, ma’am.”
“Fine. Next question. What if, on this walk, I went to a police station or airport…would you stop me?”
The two men once again looked at each other. A question flitted between the two. The blue-eyed one raised his hands in confusion. “Our orders don’t cover specifics, Ms. Pimlico. We’re here to protect you. What you want to do and why are your business, not ours.”
“And if I tell you to let me go on my own?”
The bald headed man scowled. “Well, I guess we’d call Mr. Prest and get his approval.”
And would Elder say yes to letting me leave?
I had no doubt seeing as he’d tried to force freedom on me only a few days ago. But that was before things had changed.
Before I’d yelled at him in the bathroom.
Before he’d given in and agreed to bed me one last time.
I swallowed my suddenly pounding heart.
I hated the truth in that. That something had changed between us. Something huge and poignant. Something irreversible and both Elder and myself weren’t ready to face it.
He was trying to stop it.
I was trying to seek it.
We would run into problems worse than the ones we’d solved this morning soon enough.
Enough thinking.
The sun is warm, and the city is vibrant.
Elder was busy, and besides, I wanted to do something for me. To claim back another piece of my confidence without him there to bolster me all the time.
It’s now or never.
Moving over the threshold, I smiled with determination. “You’d better tell me your names, so I know who I’m walking with.”
The bald guy smiled with slightly crooked teeth. “I’m Lance, and this is Bill.” He held out his hand to shake.
Bill with his blue eyes tapped his temple. “Pleasure to be of service.”
“Hello.” Awkwardly, I completed social niceties and inserted my hand into Lance’s.
The instant his skin touched mine, his fingers wrapping over me, his warmth infecting my body, I was no longer in the hotel but back there.
There with Alrik.
There in the white mansion.
Terrible memories replaced safe memories of Elder. History of hating all men and silent self-preservation and internal hatred and dreams of death all triggered a panic attack so swift and violent, I stumbled backward.
Lance moved with me, his hand tightening around mine. “Everything okay, Miss?”
I blinked as Bill moved closer, hemming me in.
All I saw were men and me alone.
Men and me.
Me and men.
Like so many times before.
Sucking in gulps of air, my throat closed over, my lungs becoming useless sacks for oxygen.
They’re not going to hurt you.
They’re here to protect you.
Don’t lose it.
Don’t be afraid.
“Hey, Miss?” Lance squeezed my hand.
I grunted like an animal.
“Let her go, man.” Bill tugged Lance’s arm, pulling him away from me. “Stop touching her.”
The moment Lance’s contact ended, and my hand was my own again, I clutched my middle and breathed.
It’s fine.
It’s fine.
You’re fine.
Ragged inhales rattled in my chest.
Bill muttered, “I have a sister who has panic attacks. Recognised the symptoms.”
I looked up beneath my curtain of fallen hair. His face held shadows of concern and understanding.
His sweetness stopped the spiral into darkness, and I hugged myself harder to return back to living.
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t deal with the quagmire of embarrassment threatening to tug me into the floor.
God, I thought I was stronger than this.
That Elder had cured me of the evil infections of my past. Turned out, he’d only reprogramed me to want his touch rather than abhor it while I still feared everyone else.
No wonder he no longer wanted that responsibility.
No wonder he wanted to be free of me when I was so clingy and helpless.
I’d believed I was on my way to being repaired…I still had so much more to go.
One of the men’s cell-phones rang, shattering the strange silence. My breathing evened out, and my diaphragm no longer tried to suffocate me.
Bill pulled a phone from his blazer breast pocket and answered. “Yes, sir?”
Silence as the caller spoke.
“Sure thing.” Bill passed the phone to me. “It’s for you.”
I raised an eyebrow, taking it hesitantly. My hand shook. The cell vibrated against my ear. I didn’t say hello, but it didn’t matter. Elder’s warm syrup-rough voice filled my head, cancelling out the past few seconds, giving me a life raft full of cosy cushions and warm blankets. “Pim? Look, I’m sorry, but I’m going to be a little later than I thought. You didn’t answer the hotel phone, so I’m guessing you’ve left.” He chuckled. “I had a bet with myself to see how long it would take for you to explore.”
I cleared my throat, hoping he didn’t hear the weakness I’d just suffered. “You knew I’d attempt to leave?”
“I’d be disappointed if you hadn’t.”
“Oh.”
“My only request is to let my staff follow you. It’s not to keep you trapped; you’re free to go wherever you want. It’s only to give me peace of mind knowing you’re protected even while I can’t be there.”
He hadn’t said for my peace of mind. He didn’t demean me by saying the guards were there because he didn’t think I had what it took to enter the normal world without a chaperone.
I didn’t know why that meant so much to me—that he believed I was stronger than I truly was.
I know why.
It was because I wanted things from Elder, and for some reason, I knew he wouldn’t give them to me if he wasn’t sure I could handle them. He had issues he wasn’t fully disclosing—issues I wanted to understand because the more time I spent with him, the more times we touched, the more times we kissed, the more I was drawn to him.
I was using him to find myself.
I was sexually and emotionally drawn to Elder, and I couldn’t let him end it.
Not yet.
“Thank you for thinking about me.” I turned my back on the staff, even though they’d politely moved away and pretended not to listen. “Can I go for a walk?”
“Why are you asking me?”
Because I’m conditioned to believe my own wants don’t matter.
“I’m sorry.” I sucked at this. I’d failed my first test at being normal.
Elder’s voice drifted to a languid purr. “Do you have two feet?”
“Yes…”
“Do you have two eyes?”
“You know I do.”
“Well then, go use them. Use your feet to explore and your eyes to watch. Don’t return to the hotel until you’ve seen everything there is to see and your feet ache.” He laughed under his breath. “If you need rules and boundaries, there you go. You have them. Obey me.”
I smiled, my body melting at the complexities of this man. I’d judged him so wrong. I had so much to repay him for. If I had money, I’d buy him a gift.
You do have money…the origami cash he gave you.
Elder interrupted my imaginings of shopping for him, of buying him something that would hopelessly convey the gratitude I had for him.
“Oh, one other thing, Pim.”
My heart skipped. “Yes?”
“Your tasks are still on-going. I expect you to pickpocket me something. It doesn’t have to be big; it doesn’t have to be of value. But I want something that started off someone else’s and ended up yours. Do you understand?”
I glanced over my shoulder at the guards. “You want me to steal? In full view of your staff?”
“I don’t like stealing. You know that.”
“Too bad. I don’t like feeling this way, but I have no power to stop it. Fair’s fair.”
I sucked in a breath, goosebumps scattering over my skin.
I loved when he was honest with me. I loved the way his words flew around my insides, decorating me in tinsel and candyfloss.
A pregnant pause turned heavy with things we weren’t ready to say. Eventually, he muttered, his voice dark and gruff, “Steal me something, Pim. After all, you’re already stealing something of mine.”
My heart stopped.
Vocabulary had never tumbled so fast in my mind.
What am I stealing?
Your heart? Your love? Your lust?
What?
But the phone went dead.
The call ended.
Elder left me full of sparkling questions.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
______________________________
Elder
I PLAYED MY cello harder, longer, more brutal than I ever had before.
Note after note. Chord after chord. The calluses on my fingers weren’t enough for the fury I poured into my music.
I bled. It was only right.
I ached. It was only fair.
I conjured dark melodies and broken hymns and mournful classics and blended them with death metal, punk, and techno.
For two hours, I played until my shirt was drenched and breath was ragged. And only once the magic of music had restructured my brain to focus on rational things and not the crazed fixations I struggled with or the nightmare I’d just witnessed this afternoon, I returned to earth a little better, a little safer, and hopefully sane enough to give Pim one night of pleasure before I lost control again.
Afterward, in the tiny shower at the warehouse, I washed away my cello-playing sweat and let my mind return to my house upon the hill.
To the disaster where there’d once been order.
After leaving Pim, I’d requested Selix to drive me there for no other reason than to make sure my mother was truly gone. I stepped over the threshold full of stupid fantasies that my okaasan and uncle would finally decide to talk to me—to sit and listen and forgive and move on. That there might be a future where she wouldn’t hate me.
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