“Hmm, maybe the fact that you were sleeping with the enemy?”
I gasp. So not what I was expecting. And so not true!
I cover my mouth with my shaking hands.
“How could you fall for a guy like that?”
“I didn’t…” My cheeks are burning. I want to defend myself, but acid is building in my esophagus and I can’t focus on anything but the pain and the humiliation.
“You came out of his room wearing his shirt. How stupid do you think I am?”
How dare he make assumptions? Did he also miss the fact that I was chained up in the room?
Anger replaces humiliation, and I’m wishing my Fury would erupt now, but that part of me seems to be worn out still.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you sounded jealous.”
Ryder snorts. I’ve never seen him so undone.
“It’s okay, I know better. You can’t even stand to be near me, so why would you be jealous? Obviously your interest in me has to do with whatever is going on here and nothing else.” My eyes fill with tears, and I want to slam the door and pretend this conversation never happened. “You can’t even stand to touch me.”
Ryder pushes his way into my room, slamming the door shut behind him. I jump back, startled at his sudden, palpable anger.
My eyes grow wider, and I try to mask my fear. Ryder grabs my arms and pulls me to him. I breathe in his unique scent and try desperately to ward off the flutters in my belly. Being this close to him, with him so full of passion, throws me off balance.
I marvel at the intensity in his face. The swirly shades of blue, creating a storm in his normally calm eyes. A muscle in his cheek tightens, and his lips harden into a straight line.
“I’ve wanted nothing more than to touch you.” He breathes hot fire on my face.
My mouth waters, my lips part. I can’t explain my physical reaction to him, but I know it’s way more intense and powerful than anything I’ve felt with Zane. I want him to kiss me more than I want to breathe.
He pulls away, letting my arms drop. I stumble backward a little, unaware that I had surrendered my weight to him.
The ice wall is resurrected between us once again.
I try to steady my breath, try to calm my racing heart.
His back muscles ripple, even through his shirt, as he runs his hand through his hair. His slumped shoulders scream defeat.
I have this need to comfort him, to apologize for my hurtful words. I haven’t been the nicest to Ryder, and he’s been nothing but good to me. I can’t explain my frequent hostility toward him, even to myself. But I can try to put him at ease.
I force my legs to function properly and walk toward him, reaching out to touch his shoulder. I feel so alone in the world, and he’s my only friend.
Before my hand makes contact with his shoulder, Ryder jumps forward as if I shot a hot spark at him.
“Go.” I mean to order him out, but the word comes out as nothing more than a pleading whisper. He doesn’t respond.
“Go!” I shout, rushing ahead to push him out with both hands. My effort accomplishes nothing—he doesn’t budge.
As I try to physically move this mountain, his muscles bunch under my hand and he stiffens. After what seems like forever, he shuffles out the door, closing it with a soft click.
The only thing I have to be grateful for at this moment is that he didn’t bother to turn around on his way out the door, because I’d die if he saw the tears rushing down my face. I’ve had enough mortification for ten lives.
Chapter Forty
Crying myself to sleep is getting old and seems wrong when I should try to enjoy this night surrounded by luxury. It’s weird, too, because I can psychically feel Mercy’s presence here, which only makes me miss my adoptive father, my real dad.
I drag myself out of bed, but since it’s still the middle of the night, I wrap a blanket around me and sit in front of the fire. Images playing in the flames soothe me, relaxing my brain.
Unbidden, memories rush into my head as if I’m living them for the first time.
A picnic with my parents, where they are laughing and enjoying each other’s company. My dad trying to impress us by making matching dandelion crowns for my mom and me, but the crowns come undone as soon as we put them in our hair.
A trip to the zoo, just me and my dad when my mom had to go away to see her sick mother for a weekend. The warmth and strength in my daddy’s hands. The ice cream dripping onto my chin, and his smiling eyes when he helped me wipe away the mess.
Bed-time rituals, when my mom and dad would take turns each night helping me brush my teeth, then they’d both come to my room to read me a story. Dad would always read one extra story for me, even though the clock would tick past my bedtime.
I rub the spot over my heart without realizing at first what I’m doing. I want to dull the ache that burns there.
I fall asleep in front of the fire, comforted by memories of my parents, particularly of when my dad still understood me and still loved my mom. And me.
Morning comes too soon, but at the direction of one of Mercy’s staff members, I stumble my way down to the dining room where breakfast is served.
Mercy greets me, taking extra time to study my reddened eyes and puffy face. The tell-tale signs of my misery encourage him to be extra sympathetic and gentle to me, or maybe that’s just the way he is. How would I know?
Ryder’s absence weighs heavily on my mind. Is my presence keeping him from sharing a meal with his community?
I look around the table at the various people eating. Quiet, reverent conversations create a gentle buzz around the table. I wonder if it’s like this every morning, so different from last night’s robust dinner. People seem more subdued, but still fun.
Could I fit in this world? Could I make a home here? It’s every girl’s escape fantasy come true, and yet…
How could I leave my home?
Not having to deal with the messes I’ve created appeals to me, but would I ever truly escape them?
“If you’re done pushing that food around, would you care to play a game of chess with this old man?”
His voice, though gentle, jolts me from my inner thoughts.
“I’d love to.” I smile. “Though don’t be surprised if I’m no challenge.”
He chuckles, then leads me to a table with a built-in, crystal chess set. Each piece is flanked with diamonds, and I’m afraid to touch such valuable-looking stuff.
Mercy sets me at ease, joking with me as we begin our play.
I’m better than I thought at chess, which I can thank Corey for. He taught me everything about the game, including some strategy.
“So you’ve found Ryder to be helpful to you.”
More of a statement than a question, and I have no idea how to reply.
“He’s one of my best men, in spite of his youth, and it came in handy that he’s young enough to attend high school with you. None of my other guards would have a chance of protecting you there without causing quite a stir.”
“Oh, he caused plenty of a stir.” I didn’t mean for that to slip out, but the thought of Ryder blending in is laughable.
“I mean, with the girls and stuff.”
Horror and mortification stains my cheeks. Why can’t I shut up?
“Check.”
I move my queen into a protected spot. Yes, focus on the game.
“I imagine Ryder is quite popular with the girls. It can be hard to keep them away from him here, too. But he has the best work ethic of any young man I’ve known. He worked hard to earn his place in this realm of Mercy.” He pauses, leans forward, and looks in my eyes before making his next move. “It’s not easy to be inducted into this world.”
“What do you mean?”
“Inductees must pass tests.”
Not sure if I want to know, based on his tone of voice, but I find myself asking, anyway.
“Any man who wants to join my army needs to know what it is to be granted M
ercy. He must be brought to his knees, must suffer, must really want Mercy. Then he can appreciate it fully and will be able to grant Mercy to others.”
“Sounds ominous.”
“It is. Every man endures a different kind of pain.”
I shiver, then make a move.
“Ryder suffered greatly before coming to this realm. He made a series of bad choices in his human life, was involved with the wrong crowd. He lost most of his family and nearly lost his own life.”
I look up at those words. They don’t coincide with my knowledge of Ryder, not the slightest. Ryder is stable, well put together. Not the type to be making bad choices with the wrong crowd.
I want to know more.
Mercy leans back in his chair, his arms crossed in front of him. He’s studying the board, deciding on his next move, but luckily for me he also continues his story.
“Ryder came here as a young boy, around twelve years of age. He had already made a mess of his life. Not all of it was his fault; he was the product of two drug-addicted parents. He was trying to make ends meet to support his younger siblings, but he took a turn down the wrong path to do it.
“When one of my soldiers found him, he had been saved by a stranger, who had scared away the gang of boys who were initiating him into the gang. He was already beaten to a pulp, but still defiant.
“It didn’t take long for him to be encouraged to come here. We could offer protection for his young siblings and he could be given the opportunity to earn land and powers.”
I don’t know what to say. Ryder, a gang member? At age twelve?
That is so far from the image I have of him. I can’t even wrap my head around it.
“Oh, he was a defiant scrap of a boy, but we all saw something in him. His loyalty, for one. The things he was willing to do to help his family. Most kids don’t see outside of themselves. But Ryder—he loves his family more than his own life.”
Mercy makes another move, and the pieces look blurry through the hazy cloud brewing in my eyes. I blink, not wanting to show more weakness.
“Did his parents clean up?”
“Sadly, no. They both died. That’s partly what drove Ryder into the gang life. He wanted to keep himself and his siblings out of foster care, afraid of being separated from each other and from the only life they knew.
“This story has a happy ending, though. He passed the tests, sought Mercy from my testers, who put him through incredible amounts of torture before he relented. He now knows fully what it means to be granted mercy, and his siblings are quite happy living in their own wing in our home here. Ryder is earning more and more lands and opportunities for himself and was the only one I trusted to care for you. My daughter.”
The words cut deep. I can’t catch my breath. He thinks of me as his daughter, and I can’t reciprocate. I already have parents.
I struggle through the rest of the game in silence. I try to smile at him, not wanting him to feel my misery when he’s being so kind to me.
And I want to be on the right footing with him in case I decide to make a new life here, as he’s offered.
And I really, really, really want to see Ryder. Where is he?
Chapter Forty-one
The day passes in a blur, and there’s still no sign of Ryder. I’m surprised how much I miss him being around. I want to erase the conversation we had, make him forget me in Zane’s shirt. The last thing I want is for Ryder to think I’m capable of doing what he thinks I did.
Sleep grabs me and pulls me into its peaceful depths as soon as I hit the pillow that night.
But peace doesn’t last.
My dreams quickly turn into nightmares. Death surrounds me, those I love die tragic, horrible deaths. First my friends, then my family. I find them all in pools of blood. I get to my mom, hoping I can save her from meeting the same fate. She reaches out to me while in the grips of a giant snake, squeezing her until she can no longer breathe. I hold my hand out, needing to pull her to safety, trying to wrestle the snake from around her thin body. Her eyes bulge, and the skin around her lips turns blue. I’m almost too late!
I grab a knife and stab at the snake, but the sharp pain cuts directly to my head. The snake laughs at me, and that laugh is Meg’s laugh, and I know that my mom’s death is all my fault, because that snake is part of me, and part of Meg. And now a part of my mom’s life cycle. The cause of her death.
I jolt out of bed, screams caught in my throat, sweat dripping from my body. It takes me a minute, but I soon realize I’m safe, that the images in my dream were not real.
My stomach clenches when I remember that my mom was expecting me home today after school, and I never gave her an excuse or an alibi.
I rush to the door, yanking it open. I need some water, or maybe something stronger to drown the pain.
I’m almost to the kitchen when I run into Ryder. He’s pacing the halls and looks like such a tortured soul that I feel like I’m violating his privacy just by looking at him.
He notices I’m there almost immediately.
Awkward silence fills the halls as he stares at me like I’m some mental patient escaping from the asylum.
I try to walk past him, but he grabs my arm. A spark shoots through me, and I hate myself for it. I’m so not going to be one of those girls who falls for the guy who can’t love her back.
I jerk my arm away, but rather than letting me go with dignity, he pulls me to him, looking at me soulfully.
And then he hugs me.
“I’m glad you woke up.”
“You are?” I can’t imagine why.
“Listen, you can’t possibly know how much I want you to stay here.” He puts his finger over my lips when I start to protest, and I have the oddest urge to nibble on that finger. “You have no idea, Felicia. And though I’ve tried to tell myself that the peace I feel when you’re here is only because of the joy you’ve brought to Mercy, and that my loyalty to him is what makes me feel better that you’re here, I know I’m lying to myself.”
I look up at him and have the sensation of my insides being ground up into teeny, tiny, mushy pieces. Like applesauce. I blink my eyes, trying to get rid of the image of apples, because why am I thinking of applesauce when Ryder is telling me that he wants me here with him? For selfish purposes, even.
“Don’t look at me like that, Felicia.” His voice has become husky and deeper. His body heat reaches out to me, filling me. His fresh, clean scent makes me want to move in closer so I can breathe deeper.
“You need to go home. You need to run. This thing between us, it isn’t meant to be.”
Vice grips rip my gut, and every warm, happy feeling I’ve ever felt toward him oozes out, poisoning my blood.
My mouth drops open, and I feel my brow wrinkle in confusion.
He grabs both of my arms, and I stiffen.
“I know how much you need your family. The family who raised you. I also know how much they miss you, how they worry. Your mom deserves better than to have you run away from her. She’s probably up right this minute, tortured by the fact that you’re not there.”
“I know all this! Stop it!” I close my eyes tight and turn my head away, hoping to somehow shield my soul from his words.
“No, you need to hear me. I want you here. With me. I want to protect you, to keep you safe here, in this world. And I want to get to know you more.”
I blink rapidly, swearing no tears will fall. He cannot see me cry.
“Felicia, I want you.”
I can’t breathe. I need air.
“But I can’t ever have you.”
“Who says I want you to want me? Or that I even want you?”
He smiles. How can he be so damn sure of himself?
Then I notice the sadness around his eyes.
He lets go of my arms and turns away.
“There are no fairy tale endings here, Felicia. You need to go home.”
Chapter Forty-two
Ryder pulls me to a small al
cove at the end of the hall and sits me down on the window seat. It’s too dark to see anything but my own reflection, but I imagine a view fit for a princess.
I move over so he can sit beside me, though I can’t for the life of me figure out why I would want him so close.
Why hasn’t he let go of my hand?
“I could bring your mother here to tell her, if you want.”
“Tell her? I can’t! She’ll think I’m—”
“She’ll think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to her, like she always has.”
“We can’t bring her here.”
“You think it’s better to keep letting her think that you’ve run away? Or that you’re crazy?”
He’s right, I know he is. But I’d rather tell her I’m pregnant or failing classes than tell her my truth. I think she’d be less disappointed in me if I told her I’d robbed a bank.
“She is your mother. I don’t know if you know how lucky you are to have her.”
“Of course I do.” He looks at our hands, our fingers entwined. My mind goes to the conversation I had with Father Mercy, and I remember that Ryder didn’t have the same childhood experience I had. He’s never known parents who loved him more than anything else.
But will my mom love me if she knows what I’ve turned into?
“I have to tell my mom myself.” I sit up straighter, knowing I’m doing the right thing. Ryder is right. I can’t keep her wondering, worrying. She’ll either support me or she won’t, but either way, I’ve got to find out.
I love her too much to keep hiding from her.
“I’ll bring you. But you don’t have the same protection there as you do here. I’ll have to stay with you, especially now that Megaera is heating up. She has felt your power surge, and it will be hard to call her off now.”
“What is up with her? I know she can’t really want me because she’s suddenly had maternal remorse. She abandoned me at birth; didn’t even make sure there was anyone there to raise me. It wasn’t a loving gesture. What does she want?”
Ryder stands up, and the loss of contact with him creates an emptiness inside of me. I worry I’ve pushed too hard with my questions, and now he’ll pull away.
“You need to know.”
He says it like he’s trying to convince himself.
He kneels in front of me, and I hold my hands in my lap to fight the urge I have to run my hands through his hair.
He looks over his shoulder before turning back to me with urgency.
Teen Fury: Unleashed Page 13