Russo Saga Collection

by Nicolina Martin

“What do you want me to say that doesn’t humiliate me completely? After what I saw—” I lick my lips, my mouth desert dry. “What you did…”

  “You done?” he asks so sharply my heart stutters.

  I snap my mouth shut. He glances at me and then back at the road again. I purse my lips as I pull my hands out of his hold and wait for him to continue.

  “Be quiet and listen, hon. Can you do that?”

  When I don’t answer he looks at me and I nod, defiantly crossing my arms over my chest. He clearly doesn’t miss my intent.

  “Hope you’re making yourself comfortable.”

  I stick my tongue out at him, making him smile. My heart jumps at the sight and I sink lower in my seat, pouting.

  “I’ve been a fucking mess,” he says. “I tried to pick up where I was before we met. I went to my house in Cancun, going about my everyday life, but there was something I’d never felt before. Like I’d left a piece of me behind. I’ve been reliving the days on the island, missing the feeling of your skin on mine, the feeling of you under—”

  “There you go,” I interrupt. “Just a fuck. I’m not doing this again, Nate!”

  “Shut up and listen, all right? Just—Don’t open your mouth.” He throws me a glance. “Please.”

  I sigh, trying to quell the ache that keeps building in my chest, quell the deep need for this man I have never been able to fully suppress.

  He is quiet a moment, then continues, “I’ve missed our talks, your smile, your trust in me. We had some good moments.” He looks in the rearview mirror and takes an exit off the highway, turning south.

  There’s not much out there, where he’s heading. Rural areas. Swamps. The realization sets off a tingle in my belly, a flutter of worry. It’s like he’s tuned to me.

  “Syd… trust. Okay?”

  I nod. “Okay.”

  “Now, can you be quiet?” he says, making me smile from the memory of his command on the plane. ‘Not a word’. He glances at me again and smiles back. “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, Sydney. You radiate light, kindness, goodness.”

  I scoff. “I’m just—You know… Don’t put me on a pede—”

  He puts a finger to my lips, making me shut up. Stroking my lips, he then caresses my cheek before he drops his hand. His touch leaves a trail of warmth I desperately want to feel again.

  “You think it’s all about sex, but you’re wrong. I’m not just horny for you. There’s something here I’ve never felt before.” He gestures to his chest. “I barely have the fucking vocabulary for it. When we sat on the beach those hours… I’ve never felt so close to anyone. Ever.” He sighs and shoves a hand through his hair. “I wanted to let you in. I loved that you dared to ask me, because I know how off-putting I’d been up until then. I love that you didn’t give up.”

  “I did give up in the end,” I whisper.

  “Don’t—Syd, you assume so many things about me. And it’s not like you don’t have reasons to. But in the end, I’m just a man, baring my heart to the one person I’ve ever wanted to get to know.” He licks his lips and looks at me. Then he pulls over and stops the car by the side of the abandoned road.

  I take a quick peek around us. We’re in a rural area, not another car in sight. I don’t know how we got so far so fast. Next to us are sparse trees on a field and a little further in the distance there are mangroves and swamps.

  “Nate, do you plan on feeding me to the alligators?”

  He laughs and turns to me fully, lifting a hand to my cheek but lets it drop again. “Sydney Lewis. You’re here.” He pushes a fisted hand to the middle of his chest. “I love you.”

  Chapter 27

  Sydney

  It hits me like a blow to my gut. “No, you… Don’t say that. No, you don’t,” I stutter and stare at him.

  He takes my hand in both of his and holds it over his heart. “I do. I’ve never felt it before. Nothing like this. Ever. Your existence haunts me every moment, whether I’m asleep or awake. I’ve tried so fucking hard to get you out of my mind. I tried to fuck you to forget you. I tried to be cruel. But it didn’t work.” He sighs. “I have no other words. I love you. I need you.”

  “You don’t,” I say, trying to steady my voice. “You don’t. You can’t.”

  It’s too much. I can’t breathe. I need to breathe. People die if they don’t breathe, and I feel like I am. I fumble for the handle and open the door, pulling my hand out of his as I jump out of the car. I stumble out onto the grassy field, dizzy, the heat hitting me like a moist wall. I take a few wobbly steps, my mind spinning. A car door opens and then slams shut.

  “Sydney!”

  “No,” I whisper. “Don’t.” I start walking on the uneven ground, nearly tripping over a thick patch of grass. My desperate need to get away takes me toward the mangroves. I hear his steps behind me, and panic explodes in my chest. I can’t do this! He’s quickly eating away at my resolve and it won’t end well. It can’t. A loud sob escapes me and, as my vision grows foggy with tears, I start running. I have no plan, no coherent thoughts. I just know I can’t take this. I can’t listen to him saying these things. It rips everything wide open again. I had forgotten how much pain I felt. Now it hits me again. All at once. Knocks me over. I have never loved a man, not until I met Nathan, because what else do I call these feelings that tear my chest apart whenever I think of him, see him, feel him? His existence devours me and I don’t know how to manage it.

  I hear him shout. I run. There’s an invisible string between us, pulling me back toward him and no matter how far, or fast I run, it doesn’t snap. The mangroves with their thick vegetation are getting nearer, my shoes are soaked from the increasingly swampy ground. Every step pounds with two words. Catch me. Catch me.

  “Syd!”

  He’s right behind me and a hand lands on my shoulder. I beat at it and keep running, plowing through thick rugs of grass, water up to my ankles.

  Catch me.

  Don’t let me go again.

  I’m not running from him. I’m running from myself and he has to catch me or I’ll break. I fall forward as he tackles me and throws his arms around me. The cool water is surprisingly comfortable as it soaks through every piece of fabric on my body. His harsh breaths match my own. I look up at him, my back to the ground. He’s half on top of me. When our eyes meet, he shakes his head.

  “Why are you running? I’m not going to hurt you. You must know that.”

  “You are hurting me,” I whisper and shiver.

  He pulls me up and then sits me down on a little mound next to us. Crouching before me his eyes search mine, darting back and forth, worry etched on his features. “How?”

  “Because,” I say slowly. “Because you tear me open all over again. We can’t be together. I worked so hard to shut you out, to put a lid on it. I had to. I’ve tried to move on. You’re killing me.” I whisper the last words, a shiver wracking my body.

  He frowns and raises a hand, caressing my forehead, pushing a strand of hair out of my face. “Syd… I don’t mean to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you. I want you back. For real. I’m not going anywhere. Tell me it’s not too late. I know it’s not too late.”

  ”I’m hurting, Nathan,” I cry. “You have all your secrets you won’t share. You are something… dangerous. I don’t know what it is you do, and I don’t want to know. Our worlds don’t mesh. No matter how we feel.”

  “We’re just two people.” He grabs my shoulders and holds me tight. “A man and a woman. Don’t let what we have done define us. Don’t let it define me. I’m more than that and you know it. Deep inside you know.”

  I lean my head on his hand, reveling in the warmth from his fingers as they lie against my cheek. Crossing my arms over my chest, I hug myself hard, trying to hold my heavily beating heart in place. “No more secrets,” I say and hold his gaze.

  He nods. “I’ll tell you everything.”

  “A relationship can’t be built on secrets.”

  He
nods.

  “Have you killed other people, Nate? Is that what… you do?” I swallow hard against the heavy lump in my throat. I don’t want to know, but I need to know.

  He hesitates and I burst to my feet. “You’re who you always were. I can’t do this.” I back away as he darts up and takes a step toward me.

  “Yes,” he says. “I have.” He regards me warily.

  My mind starts spinning. “In Santo Domingo?”

  “Yes.”

  “So that was your business there?”

  He nods.

  “Who did you kill? How many?”

  Raw agony crosses his face.

  “How many?” I yell, my heart pounding, nausea rising in me.

  He chews on his lip and looks down. “You don’t want to know,” he says, his voice breaking. ”You know my business there was… not good. I know you knew it even then. And still you stayed.”

  I scoff. “I didn’t. I ran, and I kept running.”

  “I caught you every time.”

  I push my fists to my chest, trying to breathe through the memories of his passion. Our passion. It’s still right here, between us. I only need to reach out and he’ll catch me again.

  “You did,” I whisper.

  “You can’t tell me you didn’t want me to.”

  Chewing on my lip, I try to stop it from trembling. “I did.”

  “So let me catch you this one last time.”

  I want to. Oh God, I want to. “Who are you, Nathan?”

  He’s silent, his eyes darting between mine.

  “You’ve got to tell me. I need you to tell me. What did you do on the island?”

  His lips tighten.

  “Tell me!”

  “For fuck’s sake! I can’t, Syd... Please.” He stands, his shoulders slumping, a dejected look on his face. “I’ve quit. I met you. I’m never going back. Can’t we leave it at that? Please?”

  I’ve never seen him look so raw, so pained. I could push on, but suddenly I’m not so sure I want to know more. I have a feeling there’s something so dark down there I’d never find my way out.

  “I really don’t want to know, do I?”

  He nods, his jaw tense.

  “It scares me.”

  “Do I scare you?”

  “I don’t know what to answer. Yes, and no. I’m not afraid of you, but I’m afraid of the life you live. Does it make sense?”

  “It does.”

  “What more do you do? Or… did?”

  We stand practically nose to nose. He looks as if he’s begging me not to keep asking, but I stand firm. Maybe I like to have the upper hand for once?

  “I manage contacts, money transfers, background information.”

  “For what?” I ask, pursuing relentlessly.

  “Mainly I work for a family business.”

  “Of assassins?”

  “No! Well… not all is on the legal side of things.”

  “Murdering people,” I state, much more calmly than I feel.

  He sighs and grimaces. “Yes. Look. I’m sorry, Syd. There’s no way to sugarcoat it. I’ve killed people. I’ve threatened. Extorted. Beat people up. I’ve done some awful things.”

  I shiver. “Were they all bad people? The ones you… killed?”

  He looks aghast and doesn’t answer.

  The lump in my throat suddenly feels like it’s choking me. I stumble backward and scream at him as tears start running down my cheeks again. “I can’t live with this. I could never live with this. I can’t be with you!”

  He carefully moves closer, his hands in front of him, as if soothing a frightened animal. “I’ve changed. I’m out and I’m never going back. I’ve hated it since long before we met, and with you, I finally found the strength to move on. I’ve changed for you, Sydney.”

  I stop and let him take my hand.

  “Please believe me.”

  He looks so forlorn that I do. I do believe him. I’ve never seen a person so close to the edge, hanging on by a mere thread. That thread is me. Us. The responsibility should choke me, but instead I’m awed by the connection I feel. I raise a hand to his face and trace a finger along his cheek, feeling the day-old stubble that I know has a tint of red to it. I let my palm rest on his warm skin. He is absolutely still under my scrutiny.

  “You’ve put me through hell.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I want you so much it hurts,” I whisper and clutch my stomach, nearly doubling over.

  He doesn’t move, I see how he swallows, his eyes dark pools mirroring my own desperate need.

  “Please touch me, Nathan,” I say in a hoarse voice.

  I don’t need to ask him twice.

  He moves in on me and lays his arms around my back, pulling me close. Our noses touch, his eyes search mine as if for confirmation. I don’t shy away this time. My body screams for him. A little more than two months of a void that’s been growing and growing needs to be filled, needs to be mended and I’m here, in the arms of the one single person who can heal me. He’s the only one, because he’s the one who created it.

  “Kiss me,” he says.

  And I do.

  I rise to my toes and brush my lips against his. A spark shoots between us and we cling to each other, our universes colliding yet again. I open my mouth to his and our tongues meet. He lifts me, crushing me to his chest, never breaking our kiss. I wrap my legs around his waist and feel his erection pressing against my increasingly needy core.

  “Please,” I moan, my mind spinning. He walks through the patches of grass and pushes me up against the trunk of a tree.

  “Syd,” he whispers, his lips still on mine.

  His voice is throaty, desperate, aroused. It shoots spikes of want through me, from my lips, down to my breasts, making my nipples hard in an instant, through my belly and down to my pussy, igniting the old fire in me, a feeling I have desperately tried to forget.

  I press my hand down in between our bodies and caress his hard length, feeling him buckle. He gasps as I squeeze a little harder. His hands under my butt swat away the skirt and search their way to the apex of my thighs, caressing my swollen folds through the fabric of my panties. Deft fingers push them aside and suddenly he is there, skin on skin, warm, strong, soft. I cry out and bite his lower lip as he pushes a finger inside me. He chuckles, pulls out a bit and then thrusts several fingers inside, rough, stretching me. I moan and press against him.

  “I’ve missed you so fucking much, Sydney,” he mumbles in my mouth as he keeps thrusting. “So. Fucking. Much.”

  I pull his shirt up out of his pants and push my hands under it, stroking my palms over his back, feeling his muscles rippling.

  “I’ve been a mess,” I mumble and gasp as he pushes deep, wriggling his fingers.

  “I can see that. You’re so fucking wet. And tight. Fucking Hell.”

  “Then what are you waiting for?” I ask and pull my head back, meeting his gaze.

  His eyes flash, then he drops me to the ground and unbuckles his belt, never breaking eye contact while he undresses. He hoists me back up against the trunk of the tree again, pushes my panties aside and lowers me, painfully slowly, onto his erection. He’s waiting, with the tip against my opening, teasing. I tremble with need.

  “Nathan!”

  “Not a word,” he says, making me laugh. Then he tilts his hips, pushing the slightest bit past the entrance. I squirm. This is torture. My mind screams at him to fill me. Now.

  “You’re killing me,” I groan.

  He thrusts, shallow moves that make my head spin.

  “What are you buying a hotel for?”

  “Wha—Not now! Please!”

  “Tell me.” He keeps moving, in and out, barely there. I’m so empty I want to scream.

  “I‘m starting a business with my friend! With Jayna. Please fuck me. I’m dying!”

  He silences me by capturing my lips, stealing every ounce of air from me, then he pushes fully inside in one rough thrust, stretching my
walls, making me cry out and tense up from top to toe.

  “Better?” he mumbles in my mouth.

  I whimper and nod, way past words.

  He pulls out and slams back inside, and again, and again. I cry out every time. As he increases his pace and the force of the thrusts, my cries turn into one long wail. My back scrapes against the rough surface of the tree, but it’s a distant discomfort and another sensation is rapidly overshadowing everything else. I can barely breathe as my insides quiver in the last moments before my orgasm crashes over me.

  “I’m coming, Nathan,” I cry. “God!”

  He increases his pace even more and, at the same time a rapid series of convulsions shoot through me, I feel him twitch and then he roars with his release, our cries intermingling.

  After, neither of us move. I’m still propped up against the tree. He’s still pressing his chest heavy against mine, our hearts beating in tandem. He raises his head and looks at me, then lifts a hand and strokes my hair.

  “I meant to make proper love to you. If you had let me. Not fuck you in a swamp.”

  I bite my lower lip and then grin. “I didn’t think proper was your thing.”

  His eyes flash. “Oh, you got that right. Let’s go home. I have a whole fucking lot of improper things to do to you.” He lets my trembling body sink until I stand on my own wobbly feet.

  “Which home? Seems we have quite a few to choose from.”

  “My home is wherever you are.” He grins mischievously. “The rest are nothing more than furnished rooms.”

  I slap at his shoulder. “Smooth talker.”

  He laughs and scoops me up in his arms, hugging me to his chest. “I love you, Syd. I think those are the proper words. I’ve never felt anything like it, but if you’ll have me, I want to spend the rest of my days making up for the terrible start.”

  His face is new, naked. It’s filled with hope and light. Something in me breaks fully open, something he opened a sliver the first time we met, something larger than him and me. It’s the sum of us.

  “It wasn’t only terrible, Nathan. Some was pretty damn good, or we wouldn’t be here, would we?” I cup his cheek. “Take me home, and don’t let me leave again. Promise.”