by Young
The Englishman resumed, “You, boy, are worrying much about nothing; especially when your beloved has given you his solemn promise that you are his true love.” He paused before he added, “That said, worrying can be helpful if it spurs you to take action to solve a problem. But if you’re preoccupied with the what-ifs, then worry becomes a problem. Unrelenting doubts and fears can be paralyzing. They can sap your emotional energy, and send your anxiety levels soaring, and may interfere with your daily life.”
“Uncle, I have a more pressing matter to worry about, than to doubt Andy’s love for me,” I confessed.
“Tell me what is worrying you, boy?” Uncle James pressed.
Since I did not know where to begin, I kept silent.
“You know you can ask or tell me anything. I promised your mother that I’ll do my best to assist you, while you are in my care,” my surrogate father affirmed.
Touched by his kindheartedness, I muttered, “I know my mother is in London to whisk me away from Andy. She’d gotten wind that I am having a homosexual affair with a boy. Is that true?”
My guardian gave a hearty laugh.
“That is indeed true, and it was I, who told her about Andy. Most importantly she is here to see her darling son and to meet his mannerly beau.”
“Why then, is she bolting me, with her female entourage to ten countries in Europe for two weeks; if she intends to get to know Andy?” I questioned skeptically.
“She misses her son and wants to spend time with you,” my guardian answered on my mother’s behalf.
“Knowing my relatives, they’re likely to convince her that my homosexuality is a sin. Especially Aunty Ping Yee, Ying Yee, and several of my cousins. To my knowledge, they’re staunch Methodist, and they do not condone my kind of sexual preference,” I countered.
James acknowledged. “Although that is true, you should evince to them that you have come into your own and you have the right to love whom you choose. Young, remember that positive actions will always speak louder than words.”
“That’s well and good. But, I worry about the outcome. Most significantly, I hate being away from Andy, and I have nothing in common with my female relatives anymore,” I pronounced sadly.
“Your mother is a worldly and a well-traveled woman. She understands you more than anybody else, besides Andy,” my uncle remarked.
“It’s hard not to worry,” I opined.
Andy, who had thus far remained quiet, expressed, “My dearest, the answer lies in your beliefs in the negative and the positive about worrying. On the negative side, you may believe that your worrying is going to spiral out of control, which will drive you crazy, and may damage your health.
“On the flip-side, you may believe that your worrying will help you to avoid bad things; like preparing you for the worst and then coming up with solutions. In my opinion, your worrying shows you’re a caring and conscientious person.”
“Andy, you’re so philosophically intelligent,” I expressed.
Uncle James denoted, “Andy is in part correct. Negative beliefs or worrying about worrying add to your anxiety. Much like worrying about getting to sleep will keep you awake.
“But, positive beliefs about worrying can at times be damaging. It’s tough to break the worry habit if you believe that your worrying protects you. To stop worrying, you must give up your belief that worrying serves a positive purpose. Once you realize that worrying is the problem and not the solution, you can regain control of your worried mind.”
He paused before he rejoined, “Young, you can train your brain to stay calm and look at life from a more positive perspective.”
“How can I train my mind to do that?” I inquired.
My surrogate dad explained, “Let me cite you an example: daily, I have tough decisions to make as the CFO of The Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation (HSBC), and it is not easy to be productive if I allow worries and anxiety to dominate my thoughts….”
My Valet asked before my uncle could finish. “What techniques do you use to rectify that, sir?”
James responded smilingly, “It doesn’t work to tell myself to stop worrying; at least not for long even if I can distract myself for a moment. I can’t banish those anxious thoughts for good. Trying to do that often makes these thoughts stronger and more persistent.
“Thought stopping often backfires because it forces me to pay extra attention to that very thought I want to avoid, thereby making it seem even more important. However, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing I can do to control worry. A different approach is needed. This is where the strategy of postponement of worrying comes in. Rather than trying to stop or get rid of the anxious thought, I give myself permission to have it but I put off dwelling on it until later.”
He took a breather and sipped his Sauvignon Blanc before he resumed, “Postponing worrying is effective because it breaks the habit of dwelling on worries when I’ve other more pressing matters to attend to, yet there’s no struggle to suppress the thought or judge it. I simply save it for later. As I develop the ability to postpone my anxious thoughts, I realize that I have control over them.”
Andy inquired curiously, “How do you stop thoughts of worry from reemergence by deferment?”
The CFO answered, “There are three steps I take to accomplish this goal.
“First and foremost, I create a ‘worry period.’ I choose a set time and place for worrying. For me, it is in my living room from 6:00 to 6:30 PM so that it is early enough for me to not be anxious before dinner and bedtime. During my worry period, I allow myself to worry about whatever is on my mind, while the rest of the day, is a worry-free zone.
“Secondly, if an anxious thought comes into my head during the day, I make a brief note of it and then continue about my day. I remind myself that I will have time to think about it later. Therefore, there isn’t any need to worry about it for now.
“Lastly, I go over my worry list during the appointed worry period. If the thoughts I had written continue to bother me, I allow myself to worry about them. But only for the time I’ve set aside for my worry period. If those worry thoughts don’t seem important anymore, I cut short my worry period to enjoy the rest of my evening.”
My Valet exclaimed, “What a brilliant way to deal with worry and anxiety. I’ll definitely give your technique a try.”
James gave an acceding nod before he added, “You see, boys, worrisome thoughts and problem-solving are two very different things. Problem-solving involves evaluating a situation, before coming up with concrete steps to deal with it, and before putting the desired plan into action.
“Worrying, on the other hand, rarely leads to solutions. No matter how much time I spend dwelling on the worst-case scenarios, I am no more prepared to deal with them should the actual event happen.”
I queried, “How then, do you distinguish between solvable and unsolvable worries?”
“Young, It is much easier than you think. If a worry pops into my head, I start by asking myself if the problem is something I can actually solve. I ask myself these questions:
Is the problem something I am currently facing, or an imaginary what-if?
If the problem is an imaginary what-if, how likely is it to happen? Is my concern realistic?
Can I do something about the problem to prepare for it, or is it out of my control?”
He sipped his wine before he continued, “Productive, solvable worries are those I can take action on right away. For example: if I’m worried about my bills, I could call my creditors to see about flexible payment options.
“Now, unproductive, unsolvable worries are those for which there is no corresponding action. Like: What if I get cancer someday? Or what if my kid gets into an accident?
“If the worry is solvable, I start brainstorming by making a list of all the possible solutions I can think of. What I try not to do, is get hung up on finding the perfect solution. I focus on the things I can change, rather than dwell on the circumstances or realities beyo
nd my control. After I’ve evaluated my options, I draw out a plan of action. Once I have a plan, I can start to do something about the problem. This way I feel less worried.”
My lover questioned, “How do you deal with unsolvable worries or, to put it differently; a worry I cannot solve?”
“Andy, you’re not a chronic worrier, but if you are, it is vital for you to tune into your emotions. In the majority of cases, worrying helps a person avoid unpleasant emotions. Worrying keeps one in one’s head - like thinking about how to solve problems rather than allowing him or herself to feel the underlying emotions. Yet, one cannot worry one’s emotions away. While a person is worrying, his/her feelings are temporarily suppressed. As soon as the worrying stops, the feelings bounce back. Then, the person start worrying about his/her feelings, like: ‘What’s wrong with me? I should not feel this way!’”
James paused when our waiter arrived to fill our wine glasses. When he departed, my uncle resumed, “It may appear alarming to embrace one’s emotions because of a person’s negative belief system. For example, I may believe that I should always be rational and be in control and that my feelings should make sense. Or I shouldn’t feel certain emotions, such as fear or anger.
“The truth is that emotions, like life, are complex. They don’t always make sense and are not always pleasant. But as long as I can accept my feelings as part of being human, I will be able to experience them without being overwhelmed, and I can learn how to use these emotions to my advantage.”
I remarked gesticulatingly, “Uncle, it is difficult to accept uncertainties when I don’t know the outcome.”
“That is indeed true. The inability to tolerate uncertainty plays a huge role in anxiety and worry. Chronic worriers cannot stand doubt or unpredictability. They need to know with a hundred percent certainty what is going to happen. Worrying is seen as a way to predict what the future holds, to prevent unpleasant surprises, and to control the outcome. The problem is, it doesn’t work.
“By thinking about all the things that could go wrong doesn’t make life any more predictable. You may feel safer when you’re worrying, but it’s just an illusion. Focusing on worst-case scenarios won’t keep bad things from happening. It will only keep you from enjoying the good things you have in the present. So, my dear boy, if you want to stop worrying, start by tackling your need for certainty and immediate answers,” my surrogate dad counseled.”
“Practice mindfulness. Remember the spiritual practices your teachers - Monsieur Alain Dubois and Señor Victor Angel Triqueros taught you?” my valiant Valet reminded.
My English guardian continued, “Worrying is usually focused on the future, on what might happen and what you’ll do about it. The centuries-old practice of mindfulness can help you break free of your worries and redirect your focus back to the present. This strategy is based on observation and release, in contrast to the previous techniques I mentioned; that of challenging your anxious thoughts or postponing them to a worry period. Merging these two strategies together will help you to identify the roots of the problems and will assist you to be in touch with your emotions.
“By not ignoring, resisting, or controlling them, and through acknowledgment and observation of the anxious thoughts and feelings, one then views the worrisome thoughts without immediate reactions or judgments, from an outsider’s perspective.”
Just as we were wrapping up our “worrisome” discussion, our traditional English roasts arrived on our silver platter for us to dig in.
“My dear fellas, let go of your worries. When you don’t control your anxious thoughts, they will pass; like clouds moving across the sky. Stay focus on the present, pay attention to your ever-changing emotions, and always bring your attention back to the present,” were Uncle James Pinkerton’s final words on the subject.
“And by the way, your lovely mother is simply glad to be with you. She is here to get to know the young gentleman who loves her son unconditionally,” my surrogate dad reassured before he dug into his food.
By Hook or By Crook (Chapter Thirty)
“Knowledge is not a series of self-consistent theories that converges towards an ideal view; it is rather an ever increasing ocean of mutually incompatible (and perhaps even incommensurable) alternatives, every single theory, each fairy tale, each myth.”
Paul Feyerabend
Mid-September 2014
I did not hear from David or Andy until the middle of September. David’s email arrived a day after Andy’s message. This was what my ex Valet wrote:
Hello Young,
I’m sorry I had not responded earlier. I was down with a pancreatic infection and had to be treated at the local hospital. Since I turned sixty, this has been a lingering problem. My doctor says it is a hereditary disorder. My father suffered from it, and so did my great-grandfather. The chronic abdominal pain comes and goes, and left me fatigue. It is under control, and I feel better. So much about me. Let us discuss something more entertaining than my illness.
Young, during the early years of my life I was skeptical of your angel experiences. I am older and wiser and realize that there are many preternatural experiences beyond human comprehension. For a brief period, I had doubts about my mentorship abilities to you and Albert. I consulted Dr. Ericson Müller, Daltonbury Hall’s Psychology professor. He said that I have nothing to worry about.
Although angel sightings are not everyday occurrences, they do happen; especially to gifted individuals who possess high IQs. Dr. Müller advised that some E.R.O.S. recruits retain eccentric qualities that set them different from an average student.
I remember an incident when you came to me for advice when you were a Big-Brother (BB) to Helius. At one of his recruitment tests, you mentioned that this potential E.R.O.S. candidate encountered an otherworldly entity. You had ventured into the woods with him for a clandestine liaison, and he saw a naiad watch the both of you as you frolicked in the lake.
You remember you came to me for advice after your encounter? You asked if Helius’ sighting was legitimate, and I advised you not to tell anyone about the incident until I spoke with Dr. Müller. I also mentioned your angel and fairy sightings to the professor.
These were the doctor’s words: “Seek to understand before taking action, yet trust your instincts when action is called for. Do not avoid danger from fear, and never seek out danger for its own sake. At no time conform to fashion from fear of eccentricity, and not ever be eccentric from fear of conformity.”
That moment forward, I liberated myself from any judgment of experiences I knew little and had never encountered. Instead, I strived to understand and to educate myself about these mystical occurrences; to better comprehend their significance and nature. And be able to guide those endowed with this unique talent.
I envy people, like you, who can see beyond our worldly horizon and suffice supernal experiences.
I look forward to David’s take on this topic.
Andy
XOXOXO
Late November 1968
Ali Ben Youssef Medersa, Marrakech, Morocco
We went sightseeing with Driss, the few days we were in Marrakech. Our friend and guide took us to several historical monuments. One of them was Ali ben Youssef Medersa. This mind-boggling Hispano-Moresque decorative institution was once the largest Quranic learning center in North Africa, and it remains among the most splendid in the region to this day.
This medersa (theological college), affiliated with the nearby Ali ben Youssef Mosque was once the lodgings of nine hundred students in its one hundred and thirty-two dormitories. Despite its nineteenth-century upgrades, this institution gradually lost its students to its collegiate rival - the Medersa Bou Inania in Fez. To this day, this old seminary continues to echo its magnificence and studious serenity to tourist and visitors alike.
As our entourage passed through the medersa’s entryway; the inscription above, read: “You who enter my door, may your highest hopes be exceeded.” Surrounding this fourteenth-century ble
ssing was a series carved Atlas cedar cupolas and mashrabiyya (wooden lattice screen) balconies. The expansive courtyard boasts a five-color zellij wall with stucco archways, cedar windows, and a marble mihrab (niche in a mosque indicating the direction of Mecca).
I was given an unanticipated lesson on Theological Voluntarism in these erudite halls.
Out of the blue, Leon blurted, “What do those words mean?”
We looked puzzlingly at the lad when he pointed to a sizable Arabic calligraphic placard on a wall. Beneath the plaque was the French translation. It read: “Commandes d’Allah que toutes choses sont bonnes, mauvaises, le bien et le mal.”
Driss translated the verse into English: “Allah commands that all things are good, bad, right and wrong.”
Señor Triqueros contemplated before he spoke. “It is a meta-ethical statement which proposes that an action’s status is morally good, bad, right and wrong are God‘s commandments.”
Aaron, Leon’s Valet, questioned, “Isn’t there a theory known as the Divine Command that relates to this ideology?”
“You’re very perceptive, Aaron. There is such a theory. It is known as Theological Voluntarism,” my teacher responded.
“What does the theory propose?” Andy inquired.
“The theory asserts that what is moral is determined by what God commands and that for a person to be moral, he or she has to follow Allah’s commands. Followers of both monotheistic and polytheistic religions in ancient and modern times have accepted the importance of God or Allah’s commands in establishing morality. Numerous variants of this theory have also been presented by historical figures such as Saint Augustine, Duns Scotus, and Thomas Aquinas. Recently, an American analytic philosopher of metaphysics, religion, and morality; Robert Merrihew Adams proposed a ‘modified divine command theory’ based on the omnibenevolence of God in which morality is linked to human conceptions of right and wrong,” Victor explicated.