Chapter 19
To email or not to email, that was Kelly’s inward question. She didn’t want to seem pushy or needy. With Mike and the boys out of town, however, the opportunity was too good to resist. Besides, she could write the message in such a way as to seem very low key. And she had to admit; her body was hungry for more time with Andrew. After a few drafts, she finally sent the message.
“Hey Andrew,
I have been given an unexpected weekend alone. Mike and the boys are going to see his parents. No pressure, no big deal, but if you have the urge to get together again, I’ll be free. Just let me know.
Kelly”
After sending the message, Kelly busied herself with her research and memos. She promised herself that no email would be checked until after lunch. She didn’t want to appear too anxious. Instinctively, she felt that if Andrew suspected that she was too into their time together he would shy away from her. If she wanted to continue seeing him, she would have to convince him that she was just casual, whether it was true or not, and, deep inside, she knew it wasn’t, at least not for her. But hiding her feelings was a small price to pay for some much needed closeness.
At 12:00, Kelly checked her email before going to lunch. As she was looking at the incoming messages, Megan walked into her office. “Hey Kel, haven’t talked to you in a while. You doing okay?”
“Sure,” Kelly answered. “I’ve been busy, but it’s a good busy.”
“How are things these days? You seemed a little off when you first came back. Now you seem happier.”
“After all those years of feeling as if I was existing for others, I realized that I have to take care of myself. That’s something I haven’t done for a long time.”
“So what exactly does that mean?”
Kelly looked away for a moment. “Well, I am just doing some things for me that cheer me up and make me feel less stressed.”
Megan studied her. “Why do I feel like there’s something you aren’t telling me?”
“There really isn’t anything to tell,” Kelly answered uncomfortably. “I’m just having some me time. Everybody needs that, right.”
Megan looked at her intently, and Kelly looked away again. “I still think you aren’t telling me the whole story, but I won’t push. You know, of course, I’m always around if you want to talk.”
“Thanks, you’re a great friend. We need to get together again soon.”
After Megan left the room, Kelly opened her email. She did have a message from Andrew. Her heart began pounding. She felt the anticipation building from somewhere deep inside.
“Kelly,
Well, that sounds interesting. I’ll have to check and see if my other girlfriends will mind. Just kidding. Sure, come on over. We can go out to dinner or something.
- Andrew.”
Kelly’s heart soared. An entire weekend would give them lots of time. She wouldn’t have to tear herself away the way she always had. That week was the longest week Kelly had remembered having in a long time. She anticipated her weekend with Andrew. He came by her office to chat several times, and the twinkle in his eye told her that he was full of anticipation as well. Finally, Friday afternoon arrived, and Mike and the kids headed out to see his parents. Kelly primped, put on one of her favorite outfits, and called Andrew a couple of hours later. “Hey, are you busy?”
“Not yet. When are you coming over her?” He asked.
“Whenever you want,” Kelly replied.
“Well, then, what are you waiting for?”
Kelly entered Andrew’s house to find the table set. The house smelled Italian and delicious. “What is all this?” Kelly asked as she walked into the kitchen and saw Andrew preparing a salad. She put her arms around his waist and laid her head on his shoulder. “You cooked. Is this lasagna from scratch?”
“Yep,” Andrew answered. “I had to scratch the box to get it open.” He turned around and kissed Kelly’s neck, winding his fingers through her hair. “I thought we’d eat in.”
They sat at the table and talked about the previous week. Their conversation turned to Andrew’s family. He told Kelly more about where and how he grew up. It was obvious that he was very close to his family, especially his sister. Kelly told him about her past, all the things that had changed her life over the years. Kelly trusted Andrew completely. After dinner, they washed the dishes. Kelly was drying a plate and putting it in the cabinet when she felt a splash of water on her back. She turned around to see Andrew flicking water at her as it ran out of the faucet. She grabbed the dishtowel and popped it at him a couple of times, making contact with an arm.
“Hey, that’s not fair. That towel hurts!” Andrew grabbed the towel, but Kelly wouldn’t let go. Laughing, he pulled at the towel and brought her closer. Then their faces became more serious. The dishes were forgotten. They were in each other’s arms again. After a while, they both fell asleep.
Andrew watched Kelly sleep and let his mind wander. What were they doing, exactly? He was doing his best to keep his feelings at bay, but it was becoming harder and harder to do. Kelly had told him that she didn’t want to leave Mike, didn’t want to be the bad guy. But how long could they continue being together? Each time they saw each other, Kelly opened herself up more and more. While she seemed unafraid of her feelings, Andrew was scared to death of his. He couldn’t let himself fall in love with someone when there was no future. Then there was the matter of right and wrong. Andrew kept that subject at bay most of the time, but here, in the quiet, he knew that what they were doing was very wrong. As Kelly slept, his chest tightened. They would have to talk. It was an important turning point for both of them. The more Andrew thought, the surer he became that their involvement, though enjoyable, really needed to end before both of them were hurt, especially Kelly. After all she had been through he didn’t want to be the one to break her heart. He owed her that much. He decided that when she awoke, he would deal with it. It might ruin their weekend; it would probably hurt them both. But they had to talk. Andrew pulled a sleeping Kelly close to him and drifted off himself.
The next morning, Andrew woke up and realized that Kelly wasn’t in his bed anymore. He walked into the kitchen to find her cooking breakfast. She turned around and smiled at him. “You made supper, so I thought I’d do breakfast. I hope you like omelets.”
“Sounds great,” Andrew said. He kissed her on the cheek and then went to take a shower. By the time he showered and dressed, Kelly had breakfast ready. They chatted while they ate, and Kelly seemed as happy as ever. Andrew kept his end of the conversation going, but he knew he couldn’t let Kelly leave without talking to her about where they were headed. After breakfast, Andrew said. “Let’s leave the dishes.” He led her to the couch, where they both sat down. Kelly moved in and kissed him, parting her lips and pulling him toward her. He put his arms around her for a moment, and then pulled back. “Kelly, I wanted us to talk for a while.”
“Okay,” she said, crossing her legs on the couch. “What’s up?”
He took her hand. “This time with you is…amazing. I enjoy every minute of it. But I wanted us to talk about what it all means. I want to make sure we’re on the same page about all this.”
Kelly looked somewhat guarded. “I think that’s a good idea. Why don’t you tell me what page you’re on first?”
Andrew sighed. “I love being with you. Our friendship has always been important to me, and I think we’ve gone beyond that now. But Kelly, I can’t fall for you; I can’t be in love with you. You’re married, and I know you aren’t going to be the one to leave the marriage. I understand that, but I can’t let myself get too close. Do you understand that?”
Kelly looked at her hands and told herself to breathe. She could understand Andrew’s point of view perfectly, but she also knew it was too late for her to be as detached. She was already in love with him. She knew, however, that if thing
s were going to continue, she couldn’t let him know that. And she needed things to continue. Finally, she looked up. “Andrew, I understand, and I feel the same way. You are very special to me, but I am content to leave things the way they are. I love being with you, but it doesn’t have to be serious.” Even as she said it, she knew it wasn’t true, but she couldn’t bear to go down the road that Andrew seemed to be traveling as he talked with her.
Andrew looked at Kelly and smiled sadly. “Kelly, I want to believe that. But your eyes and the way you are when we’re together tell a different story. Do you really think this can go on without you getting hurt? You need to tell me the truth.”
Kelly’s lip trembled, but she fought the urge to cry. “Yes, Andrew, I can.” She leaned forward to kiss him.
Andrew kissed her lightly, but then pulled back, his hand on her face, tracing her lips with his thumb. “Kelly, I have to know for sure. Can you live with the distance I have to maintain? Or are you already beyond that?”
Kelly wanted to reassure him that it was no big deal, but as she looked into his eyes, she knew she couldn’t. His instincts were correct. Her feelings for him ran deep, and she was afraid that somewhere down the road her heart would be broken. Still, she knew she couldn’t lie to him, no matter what it cost her. “I can’t say I’m not crazy about you. You have that part right. But I don’t want to lose this time we have. I – I think I love you.” Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she looked away with embarrassment.
Andrew pulled her to him and she laid her head on his shoulder. “Kelly, you mean the world to me. I don’t want to hurt you, but that’s what is going to happen if we continue this. It’s wrong for you and it’s wrong for me. And, though neither of us wants to face it, it’s just wrong period. I thought about this most of the night. It kills me to give you up. But it might be what’s best for all of us, including your family.”
Kelly tried not to cry, but the tears kept coming. She stood up and walked away from the couch, standing at a window and hugging her arms to her chest. After a few moments, Andrew came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, pressing his face into her hair and trembling. “I just don’t know what to do, Kelly. I want you so much, but…”
His voice trailed away, and Kelly turned around to face him. She saw tears in Andrew’s eyes too. Tears and compassion. Very gently, she took his face in her hands and kissed them away. Mike kissed her, and then they stood there holding each other, knowing this was the last kiss for both of them. They trembled, wanting to go farther. But they both knew it would be a mistake. It would just make the decision to end things that much harder. After they pulled away from each other, Kelly gathered all her things and walked to the door. “Andrew,” she said. “I might need some time. If we can do it, maybe we could sort of work on the presentation on our own for a while.”
“I understand,” Andrew nodded. Then he let her walk out the door. Before she walked down the steps, Andrew pulled her into one last embrace. “I’m so sorry, Kelly.”
Kelly fought her tears until she was out of Andrew’s driveway. Then she let them flow freely as she drove home. One part of her knew that Andrew was right; he was only thinking of her and her heart. But the other part of her grieved. She had let Andrew in completely, and it felt as if part of her was tearing away. Her life seemed emptier than ever; she should never have let herself love him, but how could she not? He was so caring, so open. She threw her things on the chair in the den and then went to bed, sleeping off and on until the next morning.
As Kelly opened her email account the next morning, she saw several messages from friends and colleagues, as well as a few junk mail items inviting her to lower her mortgage or buy prescription drugs at a discount. Her inbox was very full, so Kelly decided to go through and delete the messages she no longer needed. Interspersed throughout the inbox were some of the emails that Andrew had sent her. Knowing it was a bad idea, Kelly read each message, feeling her heart breaking again. She knew she should delete them all, but she just couldn’t, not yet. Finally she closed her email and lay on the couch, in too much pain to cry.
He Remains Faithful Page 18