by Toby Wise
My hands run down my chest, taking a moment to tweak each of my nipples. Heat flares through me at the painful pleasure. I try so fucking hard to keep my imagination blank, to just feel the sensations of my hands on my body but soon it’s not enough.
My mind brings up the picture of Hayden as he’d looked up at me from bed. His shaggy blonde hair was a curly mess, standing up every which way. I can just imagine running my fingers through it, messing it up even worse. His eyes were droopy with sleep but god, I can just imagine they’d look similar if they were drooped with lust.
I bite my lip, trying to keep my noises from escaping as my hand wraps around my erection. I slowly stroke myself just the way I like, rubbing my thumb over the head on every upstroke. My other hand falls against the shower wall, holding myself up.
It’s so unfair how attractive Hayden is without even trying. All he does is run his fingers through his hair in the morning and he’s ready to go. And of course, he has no problem walking around our house without a shirt on, so I know exactly what his chest looks like. I can picture his toned stomach perfectly and the little patch of blonde hair that runs from his belly button down into his pants. Fuck. And that fucking freckle he has right next to his belly button. I can’t even count how many times I’ve imagined kissing that damn thing, falling to my knees and worshipping it with my mouth. Or rubbing my beard against his sensitive skin until it turns red with beard burn.
My cock pearls with precum as my hand speeds up. I think about Hayden, laying in his bed and what would have happened if I hadn’t rolled away. I think about rubbing myself against his backside, listening to his whimpers and moans as he pushed his ass back against me. I think about him turning around in my arms and kissing me.
I shudder as I think about our lips meeting, our tongues touching. Fuck. I’m so close just from imagining the two of us kissing. My other hand moves away from the wall, reaching down to roll my balls in my palm. They draw up close to my body, getting ready to unload.
“Fuck,” I hiss under my breath as I imagine being on top of Hayden, kissing along his throat, biting him and marking him as mine. With both of us being alphas, I imagine we’d both fight for who’d get to top the other, just another fun layer of foreplay. I imagine holding him down on his belly, thrusting my cock through the valley of his ass crack, my dick teasing at his virgin hole. Or fuck, Hayden being draped across my back and doing the same. “Oh god.”
Lightning races down my spine as my orgasm quickly approaches. My hand tightens around my cock, squeezing just the way I love. My other hand is moving again, this time wrapping around the base of my dick. I squeeze hard as my knot begins to tingle and grow. God, this feels so good.
Thinking quick, I pick up Hayden’s shampoo, drizzling it over my palms before going back to pleasuring my cock. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I murmur as his smell hits my nose. It only takes a few more strokes and a hard squeeze around my knot for me to come. My knees go weak and my vision whites out as my cum splashes against the shower wall. My forehead leans against the wall, my breathing coming out in pants.
“Shit,” I whisper as my palm contracts around my knot, even more cum spurting from my tip. My head is foggy as I take in a deep breath, smelling Hayden’s shampoo mixed with the smell of my cum. Fuck. My alpha hindbrain growls in satisfaction but my heart throbs painfully because even though I’d just experienced a mind numbing orgasm, it was with my own hand. I can’t help but wonder how much more intense this would be if it was Hayden’s hand on me, Hayden pleasuring me. Fuck. How the fuck can I possibly feel this lonely when the alpha I’m head over heels for is right outside the door?
I shake my head, quickly washing away the rest of my cum, watching as it slowly runs down the drain. The shame hits me all at once. I have got to stop pining, damn it. My chance is gone now that we have Emma to worry about. Before, I’d held on to the hope that someday I’d find the courage to tell Hayden how I felt, but now I have bigger things to worry about. Before, all I had to lose was my self-respect and dignity. Now, I can’t risk making things awkward between us for Emma’s sake.
A knock on the door stops my mopey thoughts. “Uncle Matty! Hurry up!”
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” I say, turning the water off.
“Good! Uncle Hayhay finished making pancakes,” Emma yells before I hear her footsteps running towards the kitchen.
I smile at her antics as I wipe myself dry. I look in the mirror for a moment, giving Hayden one more thought. The only people who know my true feelings for my best friend are me, Jeff, and Tristen and those two obviously took that secret to their grave. Now it’s my turn to hold on to this secret, pushing it down and locking it away.
I put my best friend and uncle hat on before leaving the bathroom, ready to take charge and make plans for taking care of Emma because if I can focus on her, just maybe I can ignore the ache going on inside my chest.
Chapter Four
Hayden
I stand with my arms over my chest as the man behind the podium begins to speak. His voice rings through the graveyard and it makes my skin break out in goosebumps, a chill running down my spine. I’ve never been a fan of places like this, too creeped out to think about things like death and funerals and graveyards.
“Uncle Hayhay,” Emma murmurs, grabbing my pants and dragging me forward.
Emma’s still too little to really understand what’s going on and for that I’m thankful. Right now she spins in her pretty dark blue dress, staring up at the sky. My chest warms as I watch her. I just bought that dress last night. But because this was my first time venturing into the children's section, I didn’t have a clue what size she was. Matt laughed as he saw my bag filled with the same exact dress in four different sizes but it was worth it to see Emma smile at the pretty clothes. I just wish it was for a happier occasion.
Matt sits in the front, being the representation for our little family. Emma was having a hard time sitting still so I brought her back here to play. Life with her is a constant adjustment. It’s so different than just babysitting her, watching her go home at the end of the day. But we’re figuring it out.
I adjust my tie, glad that the early November air is perfect for an outside funeral. It’s not too hot, not too cold.
One of our friends steps up behind the podium to say some words about Tristen and Jeff.
“Tristen was a kind omega,” Sean says, his voice carrying. “He loved Jeff with his whole heart, I’d never seen anyone look at each other quite like these two did. What they had was what people wrote storybooks about.” Sean shakes his head, trying to compose his emotions. “Tristen and Jeff touched so many lives. They were good people and their absence will be felt.”
I feel a tiny hand grip mine. I look down, finding Emma staring up at me with her pretty green eyes. “Hey, Emma,” I whisper, my voice thick with unshed tears.
She pulls my arm, letting me know she wants me to pick her up which I, of course, do. She touches my face. “Why you cry?”
I huff, amazed by this little girl. “I miss my friends, sweetie pie.”
She nods her head like she understands. And who knows, maybe she does. Instead of saying anything, she leans in, wrapping her arms around my neck, burying her face against my throat. My body shudders as I fight to keep my sob inside. Matt is usually the tactile one who loves snuggles and touches, but in this moment, I decide snuggles aren’t so bad, not when it’s with someone as special as Emma.
I hold her through the rest of the funeral, her familiar scent in my nose helps give me the strength I need to get through this, watching as my best friends are slowly lowered into the dirt. As I hold Emma, I make a silent vow to them. I promise to love Emma just as fiercely as they did, to take care of her and protect her. I promise that she’ll always be safe with us.
“Uncle Hayhay?”
“Yeah, Emma?”
“Can I have flower?”
I pluck a lily from one of the arrangements, handing it to her and her smile makes my
heart flutter. It’s so bright, so happy. Even in the dark of today, Emma’s somehow reminded me to find the little things that make us smile. Without my permission, my eyes flit over to Matt, watching as he shakes hands now that the funeral is coming to a close. He’s being so strong and my chest fills with pride.
As an alpha, society says I should be the one taking charge, getting things done, and taking care of my loved ones. But as I watch Matt, I’m content to let him take care of us. I’m not sure if that makes me less of an alpha but I’m positive I don’t care.
I watch as Emma touches the lily with reverence, petting each petal. I’m reminded of a time similar to this. I’d been watching Tristen take care of his garden. With his eyes on the flowers, I felt bold enough to tell him my biggest secret; I was in love with my best friend, with another alpha.
He looked up from his flowers, a knowing look on his face. I still remember how his cheek had been streaked with dirt as he’d patted my cheek like I was a child. He told me it was about time I’d realized. He promised never to tell anyone and it was a relief to finally have that secret off my chest. Now, I can’t help but wonder if I should have taken his advice all those years ago. He said life was too short to be walking around with what if’s circling around my head.
“Uncle Hayhay,” Emma says, grabbing my attention, forcing me back into the moment. “Give this to Uncle Matty?”
“You wanna give Uncle Matty the flower?”
She shakes her head, holding the flower. “You give.”
I pick her up in my arms. “Do you wanna take one home too?”
Emma thinks about it before nodding. I pick another lily, giving it to her before walking over towards Matt.
“Hey,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper as we walk up to him. He smiles at Emma, some of the tension leaving his body just by our presence. I try to ignore the way it makes my heart beat faster.
Emma nudges me, silently reminding me of what I’m supposed to be doing. I hold out the other lily. “This is for you,” I say with a small smile, trying to hide the way my stomach flips or how my cheeks warm.
Matt stares down at the lily for a moment before taking it. “Is this from Emma?”
“Nope,” Emma says, popping her P in the most adorable way. “From Uncle Hayhay.”
“Oh,” he says, smiling at the lily. “Thank you, Hayden.” Then he does something I’m not expecting. Matt leans in so close I can feel his breath against my cheek. I hold my breath, just waiting, absolutely frozen in place. His lips meet my cheek in a chaste kiss before he’s pulling back with a smile.
My stomach is turning somersaults as I watch his cheeks bloom with color. God, he’s beautiful. Then I chastise myself. Now’s not the time to think about that. Now’s not the time for any of this. We’ve just buried our best friends for fuck’s sake.
I take a step back, ignoring the flicker of disappointment I’m positive I’m making up on Matt’s face. “We should get going,” I murmur, looking at Emma. “It’s just about someone’s N-A-P time.”
Matt nods, tucking the lily into his front breast pocket of his suit. “Yeah. Okay.”
I ignore the way my heart screams at me that I’ve just fucked up. Nothing’s ever going to happen between Matt and I and the sooner I convince my heart of that, the better.
Chapter Five
Matt
I wrap my scarf tighter around my neck, trying to keep the cold out. The November air is chilly but not uncomfortably. I cross my legs, slouching against the park bench. Hayden pushes Emma on the swings and I can’t keep my smile at bay. Emma’s giggles fill the entire park and all the hurt that I’ve been holding onto since the funeral slowly melts away. For now, at least. It’s been a rough few days but we’re all gradually healing. And as we heal, we’re all fitting together, growing closer.
Emma looks over at me, giving me a big wave right before Hayden is giving her an ‘underduck’. She squeals in delight and my grin widens further. She’s precious and my chest fills with even more love which I hadn’t realized was possible for both Emma and my best friend. How do they manage to make me love them even more?
I’m pulled from my inner musings by someone sitting down beside me. I look over, smiling at the short omega. He smiles back. In another life, I would have put on my most charming smile, flirted a bit, and maybe tried to score a number. He’s attractive with long blonde hair, pretty blue eyes. When I take a deep breath, I notice he smells pretty good but my heart’s just not into it. The bastard is set in its ways, longing for the best friend who smells like whiskey.
“Which one is yours?” the omega asks kindly.
I point towards Emma and Hayden. “The little lady on the swings.”
“She’s adorable.”
“Thanks,” I say back, keeping up pleasant conversation. “Yours?”
He nods towards the slide. “The slide is his favorite. We’ll probably spend an hour here just going up and down that thing.”
“Emma’s the same way with the swings.”
“I’m Noah, by the way,” the omega says, sticking out his hand. I shake it, not lingering longer than what’s considered friendly.
“Matt,” I tell him.
We go back to companionable silence, just enjoying the nice November day, watching as our kids play. I freeze as the thought crosses my mind. Our kids. I’m not sure exactly when I starting thinking of Emma as mine but I don’t fight it. Every day is a step closer to finalizing Emma’s adoption. Every day we grow closer as a unit.
I’ve never been one to think about household roles but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love seeing Hayden cooking for the three of us. He’s always been more domestic than me but now that Emma’s around, my alpha hindbrain keeps whispering about Hayden being such a good mate. Most of the time, I easily push the voice away. Right now though, I watch as Hayden tickles Emma every time the swing gets close enough to him and my heart, the traitorous asshole, stutters. It sings ours with each new beat. Our mate. Our young. Our family.
God, my fucking alpha hindbrain is practically salivating over Hayden. His fangs are ready to claim him as our own. If only I had a metaphorical newspaper to hit him over the snout with.
Noah sighs beside me as he leans forward, his face in his hands, his elbows against his thighs. “You’re so lucky,” he says and I’m a bit startled by the wistfulness of his voice. He looks over at me and I raise my brow. “Your alpha spouse is so good with your daughter. What I wouldn’t give for an alpha like that,” he explains.
My stomach flips, completely in chaos as my body freezes. My cheeks warm and I have to force myself not to hide behind my scarf. I clear my throat. “Oh,” I say gently. “Hayden and I aren’t together.”
Noah’s eyes widen for a moment. Those eyes seem to see right through me and I readjust, crossing my other leg. I try not to feel like I’m being scrutinized but fuck, his eyes seem to be too seeing. “Ah,” he says finally. “My mistake.”
I swallow around the lump in my throat as my eyes go back to Hayden. His eyes are so bright as he continues to push Emma. She looks over her shoulder, singing Hayden a random song. The joy I feel seeing them together threatens to choke me.
“But you want him to be?” Noah guesses.
My eyes flick back over to Noah quickly. I’ve already been caught so there’s no real point in lying. “It’s complicated,” I say instead.
“Isn’t it always?”
I give Noah a small smile. “It’s not just the alpha alpha thing,” I explain, not knowing where this is all coming from. “Emma is,” I pause, clearing my throat. “Was our best friends’ daughter. They recently passed away.”
“And you two took her in?”
“Yeah. There’s nowhere else I’d rather her be. She belongs with people who know her and love her.”
“I’m glad she has you. I can tell you both want the best for her.”
“Thank you.” I cross my arms over my chest, trying to calm my racing heart. My emotions feel like
they’ve been knocked back and forth on a ping pong table. One minute I’m smiling at Hayden and the next I’m trying to chase away tears.
“I hate to overstep,” Noah starts, his voice coming out softly, tentative.
I wave a hand at him. “By all means.”
Noah nods before pulling out his wallet, handing me a business card. I look down at it, finding his name and information. “I think we just established I’m not on the market,” I deadpan.
Noah lets out an amused huff. “That’s my business card.” I look back down and he’s right. He’s a therapist. “If you ever need to talk, please feel free to call me. Dealing with so many changes on top of grief can be tough.”
I nod my head slowly. “Yeah. It can be.” Then I look over at him, giving him a small smile. “Thank you.” I lift the card before taking out my wallet. As I’m putting it into my wallet, I look up, finding Hayden staring at me. There’s a look of hurt on his face that disappears as soon as our eyes meet. It’s gone so fast I wonder if I imagined it.
“Any time,” Noah says, standing up and stretching. “I should check on the kiddo. I hope I hear from you, Matt.”
“I think you will,” I tell him, standing up as well. “It was nice meeting you.”
“You, too.”
I walk over to Hayden and Emma, feeling a little lighter. “Who’s your new friend?” Hayden asks as soon as I’m close enough.
“Oh, that omega?” I ask, continuing when Hayden nods. I watch as his brows wrinkle and his hands clench at his sides. “That’s Noah,” I tell him with a shrug.
“Do you know him, or something?”
“Nah. We just met.”
“Oh,” Hayden says softly. “That’s cool.”
Before I can comment further, like asking why he’s being so closed off, or why he looks upset, Emma screams my name.
“Uncle Matty! It’s lunchtime!”
I pick her up out of the swing. “And what are you hungry for?”
She wraps her arms around my neck. “Grilled cheese!”