by A. L. Brooks
Tamsyn’s eyebrows rose; Maggie let out a soft “oh, my,” and Carmen smiled even as she still fought back mysterious tears that wanted to spill down her face.
She focused with all her might on tapping each of their glasses and sipping some more of the delicious vintage.
Tamsyn and Maggie stared at each other over the rims of their glasses, once again lost in their love. The purity of what they shared touched Carmen in so many unexpected ways, and she couldn’t begin to fathom what was happening to her. She never felt things like this. For years now she’d been all business, focused on her career, not fussed about things like love and emotion. And yet what these two friends had together seemed to be releasing something in her she didn’t know how to deal with: envy and longing. She was happy for them, of course, but a deep ache for what they had burned in her chest. Sadness filled her and set her tears free.
“Carmen!” Maggie set her glass down. “What’s wrong?”
Carmen waved her off when she would have approached. “Nothing.” She wiped at her eyes. “I’m just so happy for you both.”
Neither of them looked convinced, but it seemed they respected her need to pretend that was the only reason for the tears.
Tamsyn motioned her towards the sofa again.
While their backs were turned, Carmen dabbed her eyes some more and swallowed down the rest of her emotions. Shit, how embarrassing!
“So, I assume work has been full on again?” Tamsyn asked once they were all seated.
Shooting her friend a grateful look for the change of topic, Carmen relaxed back into the sofa. “Yes! But all good. Well, mostly. I have one or two difficult clients, but nothing I can’t handle.”
“I bet.” Maggie raised her glass in Carmen’s direction.
“Ooooh, anything you can share?” Tamsyn asked.
“Absolutely not.” Carmen gave her a smile. “But believe me when I say that I’ve spared the British public from a couple of TV disasters waiting to happen.”
“Your country will never know how much it owes you.”
“This is very true.”
Now back on an even keel, Carmen opened up a little about her week. She would never name names; she always respected every celebrity’s need for privacy, no matter how obnoxious or difficult she herself found them.
Tamsyn was on a long break before the wedding—and delighted about it. It was something that still took some getting used to for Carmen, given how much of a workaholic her biggest client had been for so many years.
“I still want you to let me know if any juicy new role for me comes across your desk,” Tamsyn said. “But it needs to be really juicy to tear my attention away from the wedding planning.”
Maggie patted Tamsyn’s arm. “You’d think we were getting married in Westminster Abbey. It’s a hundred people in our back garden.”
Carmen laughed. “Yes, but she’s won BAFTAs, don’t you know? It has to be done just right .”
“Do you two want me to leave the room so you can talk about me without the inconvenience of me being here?” Tamsyn said archly, but there was a smile in her eyes.
“Oh, no, where’s the fun in that?” Maggie batted her eyelashes in feigned innocence.
Once again it struck Carmen how at ease Tamsyn and Maggie were together. The casual playing and teasing and all of it wrapped in a layer of warmth, love, and affection that was impossible to miss. Have I ever had that? With Lewis, yes, she mused, but that was a long time ago .
“Oh, and who will be your plus one?” Tamsyn asked. “Gerald, I presume?”
Carmen startled, then sipped her drink to give herself a moment to respond. “I suppose so. I mean, I would need to ask him, so as long as he doesn’t have plans for that date already…”
Of course they would think she’d bring Gerald. Although their relationship was less than conventional, they were a couple in the eyes of everyone they knew. Tamsyn and Maggie had met him a couple of times, and they’d seemed to like him well enough. Yet somehow, the thought of taking him to something that special felt…off. As if it didn’t quite fit the picture.
“Lovely,” Tamsyn said, and for the first time in all the years Carmen had known her, she knew without a doubt that Tamsyn was one hundred per cent acting when she said it.
Chapter 4
“Hi.” Carmen dropped a kiss on Gerald’s cheek before sliding into the seat opposite him. “I’m sorry I’m late.”
He smiled good-naturedly, his blue eyes crinkling. “No worries.”
He looked, as ever, very put-together this evening. His suit, one she didn’t remember seeing before, was beautifully tailored, a dark charcoal grey that contrasted well with the pale blue shirt. She supposed he was handsome—other people had told her he was, but she’d been attracted to his calm and quietly amusing personality, not his looks. Certainly, he was easy on the eye, she thought as she found herself looking at him properly for the first time in months.
Their waitress definitely seemed to think so too. When he flashed her a wide smile, she fumbled handing him the menu.
“You look very nice.” Gerald cast a quick look over Carmen’s blouse. “I’ve always liked that colour on you.”
The colour in question was a deep green, which Carmen knew did match well with her blonde hair. She’d made an extra effort tonight, having forced herself to go home first to change before dinner. It had been tight, time-wise, hence her being a little over ten minutes late for their date. But as ever, Gerald seemed to let such things wash over him, and his compliment made the effort worthwhile.
She nodded at him by way of thanks, but his gaze had already returned to the menu.
“I’ve been craving seafood all day,” he said. “Care to share a platter with me?”
“Actually, I’d rather not. I’ve been really looking forward to having a steak.”
He glanced up. A little twist to his mouth told her he was unhappy, but after a moment, he merely said, “Fine. I’ll have the gambas. That should suffice.”
There was something about the word suffice that lodged an uncomfortable sensation deep in Carmen’s gut. He was compromising, which everyone needed to do now and then in any relationship. It shouldn’t bother her because this was something they did quite often when they dined out or chose a movie to watch or a play to see. Somehow, this time, it didn’t sit right with her. Not that she would change her mind about the seafood platter. But his use of the word suffice resonated with all the other thoughts she’d been having the last few days about their relationship.
And especially since she’d seen how connected Tamsyn and Maggie were.
“You’re frowning,” he said.
She blinked and realised her gaze had drifted. Once she focused on him again, she smiled brightly, determined to push her unsettling thoughts away. “Was I? No idea why.” The lie slipped easily off her tongue but only added to her inner tension rather than helping to diminish it.
Dinner passed in an uncomfortable blur. Carmen was distracted by her thoughts and could only muster the bare minimum of conversation. Gerald seemed at a loss as to how to fix it.
But it’s not his problem to fix. It’s mine.
When they left the restaurant, Gerald held out his arm for her to hook hers through, and they strolled down the street in a silence she didn’t find at all comfortable. Five minutes later, they reached the corner where they would have to make a decision as to whose home they were heading for.
I don’t want to go home with him. Why?
She could blame tiredness, and it wouldn’t be far from the truth. It had been one heck of a week again. She could also blame her period; it was due in a few days. But actually, she became hornier the closer her period got, so that couldn’t be it. She pursed her lips and kept her head turned away from Gerald. She thought back on their evening, on how…bland…it had all been. There was never any drama or surprises with Gerald; she always got exactly what she expected from a night out with him.
“So, your place or mine
?” Gerald gave her arm a slight tug to bring her round to face him.
“I…” She swallowed. “Do you mind if we just call it a night? I’m sorry, but I’m very tired.”
Carmen surprised herself in finding the words, and it was obvious from the look that crossed Gerald’s face that he was equally taken aback.
“Of course,” he said, although another frown marred his handsome features. “Well, I’ll walk you home anyway. It’s getting late.”
She wanted to say no to this too, wanting to just be by herself, but that would have seemed churlish. “Thank you, that would be lovely.”
It took six or seven minutes to reach Carmen’s house. Another walk completed in total—and awkward—silence. By the time they approached the last few yards, her stomach was in knots. It felt big, as if something fundamental was shifting between them. While one part of her wanted to let it run its course, the rest of her worried about what it all meant and where they would be when they said goodnight.
“Here you are, safe and sound.” Gerald’s voice sounded falsely amused, as if he had to make a big effort to sound casual.
Carmen breathed deeply before turning to him. “Thank you, I appreciate it.”
He stepped closer and gave her a small smile. “Look, I’m not sure what’s changed, but it’s obvious something has. You haven’t been you for a couple of weeks now.”
Oh God . In all of her recent internalised wonderings, it had never occurred to her that he would be this astute. She stared at him. He was so nice. Why wasn’t it enough?
“Is there someone else?”
“No! Definitely not. It’s… I don’t know.” She sighed. “Somehow, lately, what we’ve got doesn’t…” She shrugged. “I can’t explain it.”
“Perhaps I have become rather complacent? I have been busy, but maybe if I make a little more effort, could we—?”
“I don’t think so,” she said gently. “I think I would feel this way no matter what.”
“And how do you feel?” His gaze bored into hers. “What exactly are you saying?”
An image of Tamsyn and Maggie popped into her head. Pieces of the puzzle clicked into place, and everything was clearer.
I don’t have that. Not with him.
And I want it.
But not with him.
Her stomach calmed, and a strange sense of peace washed through her. “You’re a wonderful man, Gerald. We’ve had a wonderful time. But I…I’m not in love with you, and I never will be. It isn’t fair to either of us to keep doing what we’re doing when I know that.”
“I see.” He took a step back and ran a hand through his hair. “Well, then I suppose that’s it.” He gave her a lopsided smile. “I’ve never known if what I felt for you was truly love. I’m not good with those sorts of feelings. But I do know that I’m very sad for this to be ending.” He gave her a small smile. “But I thank you for the way you’ve handled it and for being so honest.”
Somehow it didn’t help that he was being so nice about it, and Carmen scolded herself for thinking it. Would it be better if he was shouting and angry? No, of course not.
“Thank you, for being so understanding.” She raised up on her toes to kiss his cheek.
He said nothing, simply looked at her for a long moment, then turned and strode off down the street.
Carmen watched him go until he was out of sight. What the hell had she just done? She pulled her phone from her handbag. It was a little after nine but still early enough to call Felicity.
Her friend answered on the second ring. “Hello, darling, how are—?”
“I just ended it with Gerald.”
There was a brief silence. “Flag a cab down; I’ll get the wine open.”
Carmen hung up and strode down the street to the junction with the main road. Within a minute she was in a cab on her way to Maida Vale. To her surprise, tears dripped from her eyes as she gazed out the cab window. They came from a mix of sadness at the parting with Gerald and gratitude for having a friend as reliable and supportive as Felicity. And, she had to admit, a touch of self-pity for being alone again, despite knowing that being with Gerald wasn’t the answer.
Felicity let her into the house and gave her a hug. “Hmm, I see puffy eyes. Was it awful? Did he yell?”
“No, he was the perfect gentleman.” Carmen followed Felicity as she led her through the house to the kitchen. “I have had a little cry, though. For all sorts of reasons.”
Felicity pushed a box of tissues across the counter. “I cried buckets when Michael and I split up, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. Endings are always awful, no matter who decides to go.”
“That is so true.” Brief memories of Lewis leaving entered her mind, but she pushed them away. She was feeling raw enough as it was.
Felicity pulled a bottle of white wine from the fridge and held it up. “Yes?”
“Definitely.”
Felicity poured them each a glass. They sat at the breakfast bar, its marble top illuminated by soft lights in the ceiling above them. They tapped glasses and took a sip or two.
“Did you and Gerald part on good terms?”
“We did. It seems he was more emotionally involved than I’d realised and was quite sad.” Carmen ran her fingertips over the cool marble of the bar, her mind working hard to put all the pieces together to explain how she’d ended up where she was. “But I couldn’t stay with him. I don’t love him, and I don’t think he loves me. Not really. Yes, we had a nice time together, but tonight I realised that just wasn’t enough.”
Felicity sipped her wine, then placed her glass down and laid her palms flat on the breakfast bar. “Good, I’m pleased for you.”
“I’m sure you are. I know you never liked him.”
“Actually, that’s not true.” Felicity’s tone was sharp. “I think he’s a very nice man, and God knows he’s easy on the eye. I was simply never happy seeing you settle for someone who didn’t fulfil you. Gerald was the latest in a long line of nice men, but not a man to set your world ablaze.”
“Oh, come on. I could do a lot worse than Gerald.” Carmen was surprised by her strong urge to defend him.
“Yes, you could.” Felicity shook her head. “I’m not saying Gerald was awful. He’s anything but. My concerns are more about you and what you seem to be willing to settle for in terms of a relationship. I think you’ve been selling yourself short for quite some time. I’m not sure why that is. You’re a wonderful person, incredibly smart and driven; you’re gorgeous for days and most definitely coming into your sexual prime”—Carmen’s face burned—“and it’s been difficult to see you in a relationship that lacked spark. You need to be with someone you can fully connect with. Gerald, lovely as he is, wasn’t the one. And I think you deserve the one.”
Carmen didn’t know what to say. Felicity’s words touched her, yet at the same time she struggled to accept them. “He was a great catch. I should have been happy.”
Felicity shook her head once more. “He wasn’t right for you; that’s why it didn’t feel right. No matter how compatible you looked on the surface, you weren’t deep inside. Yes, I know, you felt you just wanted some casual company while you worked on building up the agency. Someone who would make no excessive demands on your time. I understand why that would be appealing—no pressure to commit, easy enough to change plans at a moment’s notice.” She paused, her gaze steady. “But remember how you felt about Lewis and what the two of you had?”
Carmen startled. Why did they have to talk about Lewis? Her hands trembled, and she covered the movement by picking up her wineglass. “Yes, I know. But that was because I was young and he was my first love and—”
“Age has nothing to do with it.” Felicity waved a hand dismissively in Carmen’s direction. “Lewis lit you up. You looked like you could take on the whole world when you were with him, and I don’t mean because you were somehow an incomplete person when he wasn’t around. I mean because he loved you for who you were and who you wer
e yet to be. He’d stay up all night listening to you plan for the future and talking it all through with you. He’d drop anything to help you work on a project or proposal, and you’d do the same for him. You gave each other so much energy, so much support. And at the same time, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other.” She took a deep breath. “Answer me honestly, was that what you had with Gerald? Or any of the other men you’ve dated since Lewis?”
Carmen slumped in her seat. Felicity, as usual, was right. And now Carmen was coming to realise how much she’d missed having the kind of connection Felicity described. “No, I haven’t.”
To Carmen’s surprise, Felicity didn’t give her usual triumphant look at being proved right. Instead, she softened her posture and took Carmen’s hand. “You need to be with a man just like Lewis again, someone who will actively support you every step of the way in whatever you want to do and make your toes tingle.”
There was a wistfulness to Felicity’s tone that gave Carmen pause. “I’ve…I’ve never heard you talk like that. Have you…? Didn’t Michael do that for you? I never did understand why you two suddenly had so much trouble and ended up getting divorced. I mean, you said you just drifted but…”
Felicity blinked rapidly a few times. “He cheated on me,” she whispered.
“What? How come I’m only just hearing about this now?”
Felicity’s eyes glistened. “I was so embarrassed. She was his secretary, for God’s sake. I never told a soul. I just couldn’t face the looks I was going to get.”
Carmen squeezed Felicity’s hand. “Shit, I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could come to me with that. If I did anything to make you think that—”
“No! God, no. It was just… I couldn’t bear talking about it, and I just wanted it all to go away.” She sniffed delicately. “And yes, Michael did do all of those things for me that I wish for you, and that’s what made it hurt even more.” She swallowed. “I had it once, and it was wonderful. It turned sour for me, true, but I can’t help it; I’m a hopeless romantic, and I still want all of that for you. He’s out there somewhere. I’m sure of it.”