by A. L. Brooks
There was that word again.
Felicity stepped closer, her face only inches away. “Have you been abducted by aliens?”
“What?” Carmen stared at her.
“It’s the only explanation I have.” Felicity shrugged, her forehead creased. “It looks like you, and the voice is yours, but you’re rather like a shell of yourself.” She laid a hand on Carmen’s arm. “Are you all right, darling?”
“I think I’m attracted to a woman.”
Good God, what was this lately with her just blurting things out with zero censorship?
Felicity opened her mouth, then closed it again. She dropped the scarf on the table next to them, grabbed Carmen by the wrist, and pulled. Felicity had always been freakishly strong, and Carmen’s feet moved before she could think to resist.
“Wh-what are you doing?”
“We need to sit down for this.”
Felicity led her to the lifts, and when one arrived, she pulled her in and pressed the button for the top floor.
Three minutes later, they were perched on two stools at the Fifth Floor Bar, glasses of champagne in front of them. Enticing scents from the food people ate around them reached Carmen’s nose, but her stomach recoiled; her nerves were too taut to contemplate eating. The bar was busy, and a loud hum of conversation and clinking glasses filled the air.
“Felicity, you didn’t need to—”
“On the contrary.” Felicity lifted her drink. “I think I did.” She held out her glass.
Carmen raised hers, and they tapped.
“So,” Felicity said after a moment. “Would you care to explain what you blurted out downstairs?” She arched one eyebrow. “And don’t try to tell me it was nothing. You haven’t been you ever since you split up with Gerald. Well, before then, actually. And now you tell me you’re attracted to a woman ?”
Carmen could pretend. Say it was merely her work and that everything would be all right once she got on top of that again. But that would be a big lie, and she and Felicity had a better friendship than that. “I think… Something is happening to me, and I don’t…” God, how do I even explain this? I barely understand it myself .
Felicity, to her credit, kept quiet.
Carmen reached for her hand and held it tight. She needed an anchor, the holdfast of her friend’s strength and love while her emotions spun in free fall. “I honestly don’t know how to say it. It’s absurd. Completely absurd.”
Felicity’s eyes widened, and her hand beneath Carmen’s tensed. “Oh. Oh, Carmen, I’m sorry. Look, you know I love you, I do, but I don’t love you. You understand? I mean, obviously I’m awfully flattered, but—”
What the—? Realisation dawned. “No! ”
Heads turned from all around the semicircle of the bar.
Carmen sucked in a breath and lowered her voice. “God, no, that’s not what this is.”
“Oh! Oh God.” Felicity blushed a deep red. “I’m so sorry, darling. I thought… God, never mind.” She reached for her champagne and took a gulp.
Carmen leaned her chin in her hand. “It’s okay. I’m not exactly being clear, am I?”
“No, you’re not. Honestly, what is going on?”
“Ash.”
Felicity frowned. “Ash?”
“Yes, Ash.” Carmen swallowed. “I, um, seem to be… I’m really attracted to her.”
Okay, well, it was out there now. Actually, saying the words out loud for the first time was good. She’d expected internal panic and the cold finger of fear to trace down her spine, but no, apart from a rapidly beating heart at sharing such a monumental thing, it was fine.
Hmm, okay .
She braced herself for Felicity’s response, unable to look at her, focusing instead on the rise of the bubbles in her champagne glass.
“You? To Ash?” The lines on Felicity’s forehead deepened. “You mean…?” She waved a hand in the air. “No, sorry, you need to explain.”
Carmen sighed. “Well, that’s the tricky part. I can’t really explain it. Not even to myself. I mean, I’m straight. I’m forty-three years old, and I’ve always been straight. So why do I keep thinking about her?”
“I’m baffled, darling. I mean, you barely know her. Oh God, you’re going through some sort of midlife crisis, aren’t you? Don’t make a fool of yourself, darling. Not like I did.” She flushed.
“No, it’s not that.” Carmen could understand why Felicity would think so, but she was insulted nonetheless. “These are genuine feelings, not something silly and throwaway.”
Felicity folded her arms. “You shared a pastry one morning a couple of weeks ago. How can that make you think—”
Guilt rushed through Carmen. She held up a hand. “Um, not quite.”
“What?”
“I have actually seen her a couple more times since then.”
Felicity’s eyebrows shot up. “And you’re only telling me this now?” She threw her hands up. “Why am I not up to date?”
She looked genuinely hurt, and it clutched at Carmen. “God, I’m sorry. I honestly never meant to keep it from you, but it got very confusing and…” She paused as the reason became crystal clear. “I think I didn’t want to talk about it because if I kept it inside, it would just go away.”
“Only it hasn’t?” Felicity’s voice was gentle.
Carmen shook her head.
“Well.” Felicity nudged Carmen’s glass towards her. “Then I think we’re going to need another one of these while you fill me in.”
“Thank you.” Carmen took Felicity’s hand and squeezed it.
“Of course, sweetheart. Did you honestly think I’d run away screaming if you told me about your secret sapphic tendencies?”
Carmen laughed and shook her head. Warmth spread through her chest, and her heart rate slowed back towards a normal pace. “No, I didn’t. But thank you.”
They drained their glasses, and Felicity signalled for another round. “So start at the beginning, please.”
Over the second glass, Carmen slowly filled in the gaps. It helped to talk it through, of course, even if the entire concept still took some getting used to.
“Okay,” Felicity said once Carmen stopped talking. “It does sound as if you two have shared some good and important time together. But,” she held up a finger, “are you sure it’s an attraction? As in, this is someone you would actively want to date? And then kiss and eventually go to bed with? Because that’s a big step to consider, don’t you think?”
At the word kiss, a strange sensation of butterflies and tension flooded Carmen’s stomach. Thoughts she’d tried so hard to shy away from over the last two days invaded her brain: Ash’s mouth, with those full lips, on hers. Ash’s arms wrapped around her, pulling her closer. Her hands in Ash’s hair, deepening the kiss…
The butterflies and delicious tension in her belly flew south. Oh God. She placed a hand on her cheek. The heat there was intense.
Felicity grinned. “Ah, I see.”
Carmen fumbled for her glass and downed the contents in one.
Felicity laughed, then stopped, a hand clutched to her chest. “Wait! I just remembered something. That disastrous day I went to her studio to, um, you know…” Her cheeks pinked once more.
“I remember.” Carmen wondered why a feeling distinctly similar to jealousy now roiled in her stomach.
“Well, there was a sketchbook open on the counter. She’s very talented. Beautiful use of shading. Anyway, there was a sketch of you in there!”
“Wh-what?” Carmen’s heart skipped a beat. “Surely not. That’s…that’s ridiculous.” How did it get so warm in here all of a sudden? “Why would Ash have a sketch of me?”
Felicity tilted her head and smiled wickedly. “Ah, yes, why indeed?”
Carmen sat back. Ash had sketched her? The thought made her glow. Then she sobered. Don’t get carried away. She probably sketches everyone she meets. The idea that Ash had drawn her for any other reason was preposterous, no matter what Felicity se
emed to be inferring. Wasn’t it?
Ash wasn’t good with early mornings. Getting into town for nine on a Friday where she had back-to-back appointments from noon until late in the evening wasn’t her favourite way to start the day. But she had no one else to blame but herself—she’d realised the night before that her last tetanus vaccination had been years ago. After finding out her GP was fully booked for the next two weeks, she’d instead made her way to a travel clinic near Marylebone High Street and waited in line for a booster jab.
As she left the clinic, the morning sun hit her fully in the face, and she couldn’t help smiling. Yes, the early start had been a pain, but now she was ready for her big trip.
Okay, that’s all great, but now I need coffee .
Across the street from where she stood was a genuine Italian espresso bar, and she eagerly trotted over the road towards it. Inside, the smell of roasted coffee beans hit her nose, and her tired nerves stood to attention.
“What can I get you?” the woman behind the counter asked.
“Double espresso, please.” Why not? She’d need all the help she could get for the rest of the day.
“Good choice,” a soft voice said behind her.
Ash whipped round to find Carmen behind her, a half smile on her face. It was such a shock to see her there, out of context, as it were. And especially after Tuesday evening had ended so strangely. Ash had pondered calling Carmen a couple of times since then, but something had held her back.
“Carmen! Hey. What a nice surprise.” She willed herself not to gawk; Carmen looked amazing today in a silky, pale green dress that just about reached her knees. She always looks like a million bucks.
“My office is just around the corner.” Carmen thumbed behind her. “What brings you to this part of town?”
“My own stupidity.” Ash laughed at Carmen’s bemused expression. “Realised I needed a tetanus booster.”
“Ah, for the big trip. The travel clinic over the road?”
“Exactly. Didn’t take too long.” Ash turned to the barista to pay for her coffee, then swung back to Carmen as a thought hit her. “Can I get you a coffee?” Friends do that, right? I’m not overstepping by offering .
Carmen’s face lit up, and her smile this time was breathtaking. “I would love a coffee, thank you.”
Ash added a second double espresso to her order. She tried hard not to read too much into the fact that she already knew what Carmen’s preferred coffee choice was. Not daring to meet Carmen’s eye, she instead handed over a ten-pound note to the barista. “Bad day already?” she said to Carmen over her shoulder.
“Oh, no, not really. Just a long week.”
“And we did stay out late on a school night on Tuesday, didn’t we?” Okay, stop that. That was your flirting voice. What were you saying to Damian only two bloody nights ago? Just friends. Just friends.
One corner of Carmen’s mouth quirked up. “Indeed. Are you in a rush to get to the studio? I have a little while until my next meeting. Want to sit and drink our coffees here?” There was a slight tremor in her voice.
Ash could swear Carmen was nervous. But why would that be? “Sure.” The word was out before she could stop it, but friends did coffee all the time so where was the harm?
“Great. I’ll grab us that table by the window.”
“Perfect.” Yep, totally. Nice little romantic corner just made for two. What am I doing?
By the time she’d waited for the coffees to be made, she’d managed to calm her breathing a little. She carried the small cups over and put them carefully down on the table. She pulled out the chair opposite Carmen and squeezed into the small space between it and the table.
“It’s rather cosy back here, isn’t it?” Carmen frowned. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine. So, how’s life in the talent world?”
Carmen waved a hand. “The same. How about the tattoo world?”
Ash grinned. “Also the same. Have you had any time off this week, other than Tuesday evening?”
A delicate blush stole across Carmen’s cheeks, and her gaze darted away. “I saw Felicity last night. We went shopping.”
Why was she blushing? What exactly had they gone shopping for? Ash nearly choked on the images her mind conjured. “Nice.” She managed to keep her tone even, thankfully.
Carmen’s sudden laugh startled Ash. “You sound as excited as if I’d said I’d been to the dentist.”
Ash held open her arms. “Yeah, well, shopping is not my favourite sport.”
“I would never have guessed.” Carmen’s mouth twitched. “But wait a minute, you love shopping for your colourful shirts.”
“That’s different. That’s always on holiday. Everyone knows holiday shopping isn’t the same.”
When Carmen laughed like that, with her entire face lit up and her head thrown back, Ash’s brain and libido short-circuited. God, she’s beautiful .
“I suppose that’s true, yes.” Carmen sipped her coffee. “So, um, any plans for the weekend? Other than working, obviously.”
“I’m out to dinner tomorrow night after work. A late supper over in Shoreditch. Then Sunday will be my lazy day—reading, lounging around, eating pizza.”
“Oh, that sounds blissful. One day I might have one of those again.” Carmen gave a lopsided grin. “Maybe when I retire.”
Ash tapped her chin. “Maybe you should aim for one a little earlier than that.”
Carmen shrugged, then finished her coffee. Her phone, which was on the table next to her cup, buzzed. She glanced down at it and audibly sighed. “And that’s my cue to leave. It’s always me who ends our dates, isn’t it?” She blanched and closed her eyes. “Sorry, wrong choice of word. I didn’t mean—”
Ash held up both hands. “I got what you meant. No worries.”
Carmen stood and picked up her handbag. “Sorry, I need to go.” Her face was now a deep shade of pink.
“Hey, are you okay? You seem a little…” Ash cast around for the right word. “Um, unsettled?”
Carmen’s blush spread to her neck, and her gaze darted away. “I’m fine. Honestly. Definitely fine. I’ll, um, call you. We’ll do Alma’s again, yes?”
Taken aback at Carmen’s almost sprint for the door, Ash barely had time to nod before she was gone, the bell above the door clanging.
Ash slumped back in her chair. What the hell was that about?
Chapter 15
“Thank you for coming over.” Carmen motioned Maggie into the house. “And thank you for working with my ridiculous timetable.” Her voice was at a higher pitch than normal, and she inwardly admonished herself to remain calm.
It was past ten on Monday night. Not exactly the most sociable of times for a visit, but Maggie hadn’t hesitated to agree when Carmen had called. It had finally dawned on Carmen late on Sunday that either Maggie or Tamsyn would be perfect to talk to about the situation with Ash, given they both knew exactly what it was like to be attracted to women. Tamsyn was out of town so Maggie was the lucky winner.
Despite the late hour Maggie, as always, looked fresh and relaxed. Her hair was pinned up in a loose ponytail, and she wore jeans and a white T-shirt.
“No problem.” Maggie squeezed Carmen’s arm. “Come on, Giz, in.”
The dog trotted into the house and waited patiently for Carmen to ruffle his ears and scratch under his chin.
“I could have left him at home, even though Tamsyn’s away, but I know you love him, so…”
“Oh yes, it’s fine to bring him. And I do love him.” And he helps to soothe my nerves. Her hands had lost some of their tremble as she petted the small dog. She straightened and smiled at Maggie. “Thank you.”
They walked through to the living room. Gizmo immediately flopped onto the floor beside the armchair, a place he always gravitated to whenever he visited.
Maggie sat on the sofa.
“Can I get you something to drink?” Carmen asked. It was polite, of course, but it would also delay her a little long
er. Her heart raced at the prospect of what she needed to say.
“Do you have any camomile tea?”
“Coming right up.”
Deciding tea was probably the best idea for herself too, given the late hour and her all-over-the-place emotions, Carmen made a pot and carried it and two mugs on a tray back to the living room.
Maggie flicked through one of the trashy entertainment magazines that Carmen kept on the coffee table. “Do you actually read these?”
Carmen laughed. “Not read, no. But I need to keep up with what everyone has been seen doing. I’ve got entertainment news feeds on my laptop every morning too. It’s pretty tedious.”
“I bet!”
Carmen sat beside Maggie, the nerves still churning in her stomach. She reached over to the tea pot and poured before passing one mug to Maggie and leaving the other on the tray for herself.
“Thanks.” Maggie raised her mug in salute.
“No problem.”
Silence followed. Carmen knew she had to start the conversation, but had no idea how to do so.
“Carmen, are you okay?”
Carmen followed the line of Maggie’s gaze. Her hands clenched at the hem of her skirt. She had such a tight hold on the material her knuckles were white. She let go of her skirt with a loud exhale. “God, not really, no.”
“It’s not… You’re not ill, are you?”
Carmen met Maggie’s concerned gaze. “No, nothing like that. Don’t worry.” She ran a hand through her curls, then sat up a little straighter. Come on, you’ve told Felicity. Just spit it out. That was the whole point of asking Maggie over, after all. “Okay. Here’s the thing. I’m attracted to a woman, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Maggie shifted in her seat and folded her hands together in her lap. “Wow. That’s so far removed from what I expected from this late-night chat.” She smiled. “And now I need to know more. Details, please.”
Carmen reached for her tea, her hand trembling. After a couple of fortifying sips, she told Maggie all about Ash.
Maggie listened without interrupting, occasionally nodding and smiling but otherwise allowing Carmen to relate the tale at her own pace. “Well, she certainly sounds lovely,” she said once Carmen had finished her story. “And it does sound like she’s had quite the effect on you.”