by Dave Rodway
I had so many day jobs back then, I can’t remember them all. I also played in a couple of bands a couple of times a month, including Big City Reign, Ileana Burdine’s band in Holly Dunn’s band. I was enjoying playing, but one of the downsides to doing gigs was having to put kiddo in daycare at night. There was a daycare open on Friday nights. This allowed grownups to go out while this daycare watched their children. I thought this was a great idea, except kiddo hated it. Luckily, she was only there for about four hours. Some kids slept, others did crafts, others watched movies. The staff was stressed, the place smelled like bleach, and when parents picked up their kids, most of them smelled like booze. Yuck. It wasn’t the best. I thought to myself: When she gets older, I’ll bring her to gigs with me.
Kiddo seemed to enjoy regular daytime daycare though. I dropped her off, and she was glad to see her little friends. I liked it too, and began to stick around as long as I could in the mornings. The staff told me they thought I would be a great asset, and asked if I would consider working there. It was a great idea, so I agreed. Daycare was so expensive, and that gave me the chance to save money. How many dads got to work as their kid’s daycare teacher? It turned out to be a positive move for all the kids. Many kids there didn’t have a male role model in their lives. The families loved having a male preschool teacher on the staff.
I was a preschool teacher for several years. People were amazed that Indira and I were able to survive on that pay. We survived on that pay because being able to spend time together during the day meant a lot to both of us. I knew kiddo must have been going through an incredible range of emotions because her mom was not in the picture. Her mom had returned to Virginia, but called every once in awhile to talk to kiddo. Most of the time I let them talk, and most of the time her mom tried to convince kiddo that it was I who had done something wrong. I never spoke negatively to kiddo about her mom. Eventually kiddo figured everything out on her own.
Sobering Up
I stopped drinking back in 1992. I rarely went to meetings and didn’t have a solid program at all. I was dry, but not “sober.” If you know anyone who is an alcoholic and not drinking, without a program, you know how insane and angry they can be. Without help, life gets really, really ugly. I was keeping my life together though. Indira and I had our routine and at Candlewick Apartments in Albuquerque, we had good times. Kiddo had a friend called Tiffany. They were inseparable, and I was glad about that. The apartment complex had a pool, and we went there a lot. Indira played with a few of the local kids while I swam and chatted with the adults. A few of the women constantly reminded me that I “should” be dating. But it had been years since I’d gone out with anyone, and I didn’t have the time or the money to even think about it. I was happy with my life, and happy being Indira’s dad. That was all I needed.
Then came 9/11. At the time, I was working at Kindercare. I took Indira into work that morning, and my boss stopped me and asked if I’d seen the news. I told her I had heard about a plane hitting the building in NYC, but that I thought it was a fluke, like that incident decades ago, when at 9:49 a.m. on Saturday, July 28, 1945, a B-25 bomber crashed into the Empire State Building. I wasn’t even sure what was happening. My boss said that this was much worse, and not to alarm the children. After the second plane hit, the daycare called all the parents to pick up their children. The daycare was closing for fear of a more serious threat. Kiddo and I went home and watched the news.
I couldn’t believe what was happening. I sent Indira out to play with her friends, and I sat inside and contemplated the end of the world. My favorite city, my home city, was under attack. It seemed like World War III. Buildings were falling, people were dying, and doom and gloom were upon me, and everyone. Then I got a call from the mom. She said because of 9/11, she was moving to New Mexico to be closer to her kiddo. That was the last thing I wanted or needed at a time like that. I thought that that was the end of my happy, little world, as I knew it. I was devastated, and I wanted to drink.
It was easy to go back “out,” and I did a couple of weeks after 9/11. I had started spending time with some real partiers at the apartment complex, and though they knew me as the “sober” guy, nobody cared. We all hung out together, and there was easy access to alcohol. I was in the right place at the right time. I planned my drinking carefully: I would go “out” drinking for the weekend, and see if I liked it. If I did, I’d drink on weekends, and during the week, I’d stick to my routine with kiddo. Little did I know, this wouldn’t work.
So that night, while kiddo was asleep, I sneaked over to the party apartment, where I met all the other single, partying parents, whose kids were home sleeping. We drank hard. After nine years of not drinking, just putting the bottle up to my lips made me almost lose control of my bodily functions. This was going to have a huge impact on my life. I drank and I drank. After about 30 minutes, one of the moms said, “let’s go check our kids.” We all sneaked back into our respective places to check that our kids sleeping soundly, then we went back to the party apartment and continued partying. Every 30 or 40 minutes, we left the party to check on our kids, then returned to the party. This went on until I just decided to stay home to sleep it off. Next night? Same thing. Sunday morning came and I woke to find Indira standing over me in the living room. She asked why I slept with my clothes on. She said, “Daddy, you smell funny.” I was mortified, disgusted and petrified. I went to an AA meeting that day.
I found I couldn’t drink safely. And after that weekend lesson on October 6-7, 2001, I had to start counting days again. Kiddo and I were invited to an AA party and that’s where I met Tom Dean, who became my sponsor. I can’t say enough great things about him. He was my mentor, spiritual leader, guru, father figure, friend, and confidante, you name it. Tom got me thinking straight as an arrow. With his inspiration and motivation I got some of the best day jobs I’ve ever had. I was making real money and meeting wonderful people along the way. Tom’s family was instrumental in showing me what a family can look like. Tom wasn’t sober when he got married, but he and his wife stayed together, and created something to be admired by everyone. Thank you Tom.
I changed my life. I started making meetings regularly. I started asking more from the Universe. I started demanding more from myself. I got what I asked for. I studied to be a personal trainer, and I became an A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer in 2002. I worked as a trainer from 2002–2004. To help my career, I applied for a job at Del Norte Sports and Wellness, even though they told me they weren’t hiring. I was persistent, and finally they hired me. I started out as the lowly front desk attendant and greeter. It was great: I dropped Indira off at daycare, went to work, then they let me pick her up at 3pm and bring her back to work with me so I could finish my shift. Kiddo had fun there. The gym was 65,000 square feet, and it had a kid’s room, and a swimming pool. I did so well there, they asked me to be a night manager, and part of my responsibilities were making sure that everyone in the gym had a valid membership. Lots of people tried to sneak in, and I had to kick them out. I did well at that. Since I worked 4–11 p.m., I took Indira with me. When her bedtime came, at 8 p.m., I got her comfortable under a desk near the front counter, on a pile of clean gym towels that were warm from the dryer. She slept on the improvised bed until we went home when my shift was over. I’m sure I broke several laws, and kiddo wasn’t always the happiest, but we were together. That was the important thing.
I decided to get into the sales dept. because everyone thought I’d be good at it, and I thought: why not make some real money? After some training with the manager, Bob Cody, I was a salesperson! It was a better job, and I was able to pay bills and even buy my brand new car, a 2005 Scion xB. I still drive it today. These times were rewarding and demanding. But Indira was in school, and I was able to create a schedule that allowed me to drop her at school in the morning and pick her up in the afternoon, then return to work until 8pm. Kiddo and I were loving life for the most part. When I was a kid, I dreamed of spendin
g time with my dad, but it never happened. Indira and I were together every day, and I was really happy about that. Work schedules can keep parents from having much time for their kids, but my schedule gave me lots of time with kiddo. As the years went on single moms--and parents in general--praised my parenting efforts and the choices I made--all for my kiddo. I wouldn’t have changed anything.
Life went on quietly and happily like this for Indira and me for awhile. We were making our way, figuring things out. At that time, my brother Bill was a Reserve Sheriff’s Deputy. His job appealed to me, so I tried out for the Sheriff’s department. But after passing the physical, the written test, and the interview process, I was turned down because of my previous drug history. It’s better that I didn’t become a peace officer anyway; I’d have had to be away from kiddo, doing way too dangerous a job.
Indira’s mom eventually did move to New Mexico--not when she said she would, but eventually she did move there “to be closer to her baby.” She didn’t call or make an effort to see kiddo like I thought she would, like I thought any real mother would. She called infrequently at best. Kiddo rarely mentioned her. Kiddo was happy and I was happy, just the two of us. Every once in awhile, I had to let kiddo and her mother meet and socialize alone. I didn’t trust Indira’s mother, so I got sound advice from attorneys about custody, just to make sure I knew what I needed to know. I had a network of friends by that time, friends who would help if I needed it. Having those friends and connections helped me relax a little when Indira’s mom did show up. If kiddo went out for a meal with the mom, I’d be sure to have contact with kiddo at least every hour. We were relying on landlines back then, because I didn’t have a cellphone yet (the cost wasn’t in my budget). If Indira didn’t keep in contact, I drove to the location to pick her up. One time they didn’t come back at the time we had agreed on. The minute they were “late,” I called the police. As I was reporting my “stolen child” they arrived.
Once, during her time in the Montessori school, Indira’s mom went to her Montessori school to see her and spend time with her. When she got to the school, she wasn’t allowed to see Indira. She didn’t know that because I had been the one who signed kiddo up at the school, I had chosen the list of who could be allowed in to see kiddo, or pick her up from school. I didn’t put her mom on that list. When her mom found out she wasn’t on the list, she caused uproar, screaming, yelling, and carrying on. She embarrassed everyone involved, and was sent away. Poor kiddo had to endure that embarrassment. That’s how her mom was. She showed up like a tornado, then left.
Eventually I learned that the mom (and her people) were late all the time, or just haphazard in their own lifestyle. I grew to trust kiddo to tell me what she felt about her visits with her mom. Her mom arrived to pick kiddo up one day to take her to lunch. She was with a man. He was younger than kiddo’s mom, and very respectful towards me. I was cautious, because I didn’t know the guy. I got all the info from them as I always had and allowed kiddo to go with them. It turned out fine. With each good experience, I allowed more visits. As I allowed more visits, I was allowed into their home, and I saw how the mom and her man lived. Usually, they lived in what I considered squalor. Everything was messy, dusty, dirty, and more often than not, pot smoking utensils were left lying around. I was always taking notes and photos in case I ever needed them in court. I never did.
Indira’s mom and her man started a family of their own. After they had their first baby, kiddo’s mom wanted kiddo to visit--she wanted us all to be one big, happy, extended family. They were renting a house many miles away from kiddo and me in the South Valley part of Albuquerque. It wasn’t a great part of town, but they called it home. In an effort to allow kiddo to see her mom periodically, I agreed to her to her mom’s house to visit. I always thought that since her mom wanted so little time to visit kiddo, allowing the visits would be a way for kiddo to see for herself the inner workings of the mom’s thought process. I still feel this way.
At first we visited then left after a short time. I was always treated with respect. In fact, I was revered for the good job I had done with Indira and the life we were living. Kiddo’s mom and her common law husband were beginning to see the challenges I’d been facing for years. Their child (and children to come) would not be so fortunate. Kiddo’s presence there was a welcome relief. The mom’s children loved kiddo and she was always maternal and caring for all children, animals, insects, you name it. She’s a saint. We call her the Patron Saint of Bugs here because she would never harm not even the smallest bug.
Indira’s mom requested a visit only every few months. Then one year, on Indira’s birthday, her mom called to say they had moved out of state. It broke kiddo’s heart. She began to see and feel the effects of having this kind of mom. Kiddo didn’t hear from her mom for a long time after that birthday shock, then slowly calls from prepaid phones started coming in. Her mom’s family would encounter trouble wherever they were and then move back to New Mexico, further confusing kiddo. Indira’s mom has made a few of these “closer to her baby” moves, and she never stays long. But kiddo was getting wise. With no help from me, she understood clearly.
Indira kept trying with her mom. Her mom moved around, and had more children. One baby died, and Child Protective Services became involved. I rarely spoke to her mom, but when I did, I tried to get as much information about her location and circumstances as possible. Indira did what she could to be available to her mom, but her mom didn’t seem to care much.
***
Life went on. I was looking for the best education for Indira. I tried to set up a work schedule that allowed me to drop her off and pick her up from school. After first grade I decided that I wanted to home-school kiddo. She and I were doing well together and I thought she would be ready for this. She began the second grade at Mitchell Elementary, the local public school. But I took her out of school early in the year. I had done lots of research about the curriculum, and I found a great set of books readily available. By using The Core Knowledge Series by E. D. Hirsch Jr., we had enough schoolwork for years to come.
At that time, I was working nights as the night manager at the gym. We had our days free, so we got up early in the morning (routine was key) and began our studies. Sometimes we went out and painted or sketched at the duck pond at our apartment complex, and other times we did geometry from the book. Indira was brilliant. The more I researched, the more I found that children need to be with other children to stay happy, so I began looking for home-school groups. I found several, but kiddo and I didn’t feel we fit in. The groups were all moms and their “gifted” kids. Where were the dads? We tried to make it work, but after awhile, I realized that it was best for kiddo to be in school with other kids, and not hanging around me all day. I never thought that home-schooling wouldn’t work out. For me, it was another dashed dream. I’d really wanted to home-school Indira, but for third grade, she went back to public school. She had to “test in” and did very well. What she learned during our home-school time helped her for public school.
Around this time, I started a relationship with a neighbor, who lived three doors down from us, but it was a bad move. Kiddo thought it was nice at first, but then wanted me to stop interrupting our time with “her” (my girlfriend). Kiddo became protective. For the most part I ignored kiddo about this topic. I made her go with me to watch movies over at my girlfriend’s place. My girlfriend had a little boy, much younger than kiddo, and I was hoping they’d play together, but he was a boy and kiddo got bored. Indira started to do less well in school. I had meetings with teachers about her poor, unfocused grades. My friend Tom Dean told me: “when you become a single parent, you no longer have the option of dating until that child is 18 years old.”
Tom was right. My attention to my relationship was taking its toll on Indira. But I didn’t want to be ruled by her either. She would have to do as I said. I proved that I would “win,” by carrying on the relationship. But at what cost? You know how some parents
say, “then one day I woke up and I don’t even recognize my teenager?” For me, this was the beginning of that process. If I wanted to have one of “those” teenagers, I would continue to not listen to Indira now. She was telling me any way she could that she needed me more than I needed any adult companionship or relationship. I listened to her, and I broke off the relationship with one phone call. Shortly thereafter, we moved from that apartment complex to another. I’m sorry about the way I did it, but not that I did it.
A Big Move
Years went by. Indira and I had found a life in New Mexico. Things were working. I was doing well at my job, and I was gaining confidence. After doing sales for two years, I began to think about doing sales in another state. I was thinking of moving out of New Mexico. My first love, Drumming, was a mere pastime by that time. I was playing on my own and doing gigs infrequently. I wondered what it would be like to live in a city with better drumming options and better schools for kiddo. Of course New York came to mind, but the amount of money I would need to rent an apartment there was just too great. I was making good money in sales, but I didn’t have that kind of money. New York City would have to wait. Then I remembered San Diego.
A year earlier our friend Sue had moved from New Mexico to the San Diego area. Sue’s parents had lived in the San Diego area for many years, and Sue was taking care of them as they got on in years. She invited Indira to San Diego to show her around. Indira was old enough to go on a plane by herself, and was very excited about this idea. She could easily handle that type of experience at her age. So I sent kiddo along and she loved it! What kid wouldn’t? Sue and Indira did some fun things and kiddo came back so excited that when it came time to thinking about moving ourselves, I had to consider San Diego.