by Steve Howrie
* * *
January
Saturday 1
It’s two a.m., and just got to bed. That was quite a night, bringing in the New Year, and saying good riddance to the old. It was nice to see Mum, Dad and Tara together again. Lots of crying (mostly Dad), and Mum gave Tara a hard time at first for the ‘lump’ – essentially because Mum asked her who was responsible for it, and Tara said she wasn’t sure. She later confirmed that it was either McDonalds or KFC. (She’s not pregnant at all, just fat.) But she had a good talk with Julie, who has (I must admit), quite a tasty figure since she became a Pescetarian, and Tara’s going to try the same diet. In fact, Tara said she really likes Shanghai and will come back during the school holidays – on her own next time.
Donald was very quiet at first, keeping a low profile and letting the family laugh, cry, fight, reminisce and do what families do. Then Dad asked Don about Qingdao, and they were soon chatting away, over a few drams of whisky.
So, a New Year for us all. I wonder what it will bring?
Sunday 2
Julie and I took Mum and Donald, Dad and Tara to the airport yesterday afternoon. Although it was nice having them here, it was a big relief when they all went. Now we can get back to a normal life. Well, the life that’s normal to us.
Monday 3
Back at school today – and I have to say it was good to get stuck into work again. My kids were great: they all remembered who I was, and after my lesson they told me my maths was as good as it’s always been. So that’s nice.
Dr Wang said we’ve got more students joining the school after the Chinese New Year holiday. Great!
Met up with Ron and Klaus at lunchtime and asked them how their holidays went. Klaus said he spent most of his holiday reading Physics books, and Ron said he was hoping to go away somewhere for a break, but the ‘Boss’ (Venus) withheld the funds. “Got to save up for an apartment,” he said. She’s really got him into family life now… whatever’s next – kids?
Tuesday 4
Last night in bed, I asked Julie if she was still recording our conversations. She looked at me as if I’d asked if she was still female, then confirmed that she was (recording our conversations, that is). “But only when the laptop’s in the room,” she added.
“How about when we’re making love?” I asked.
“Definitely then,” she smiled. “But only the sound.”
She showed me where all her recordings were on her computer, which she’d kept in folders labelled ‘Blogging’ and ‘Snogging’.
I played back a recording of our love–making. “That doesn’t sound like me,” I observed. “You’re listening to my voice,” she said. Then I heard mine: I sounded like a donkey. Listening to this, I wondered why people did it – have sex I mean. Hearing the screams (Julie) and sighs (me), without feeling the passion now, seemed… strange.
“Sorry I don’t have the video,” she said. Then her eyes lit up. “Yes, let’s do it Simon!” she said sitting up suddenly. “Let’s make a video!”
“What, of us… having sex… now?”
“Yes!” She pulled her camcorder from a drawer.
“Make sure you get my best side,” I said.
“Okay,” she replied, switching on the camera. “And let’s not use a condom,” she added. I was speechless. “Let’s make a baby, baby… I want to have a baby with you.”
“But we’re not really married, and you said…”
“It doesn’t matter – everyone thinks we are, and I’ve got the ring, and you love me. That’s all that matters, isn’t it?”
What could I say? I smiled and said quietly, “Anything for you baby.”
“Oh, Simon, you’re wonderful!” She grabbed me, and kissed me.
So we made love, whilst Julie held both me and the camera. The way she insisted on applying make–up, and then smiled into the camera whilst we were doing it was a bit off–putting, I have to say. Don’t think I’d like to be a porn star.
When we’d finished, I asked her if she preferred a boy or a girl. She thought for a minute, and then said, “It would depend on who the father was.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, if he was a bit of a moron, I’d prefer a girl. But if he was a cool, handsome guy, with great charm and charisma – then I’ve want a boy.”
“So… if you and I had a baby?”
“Got to be a girl,” she said.
Wednesday 5
What was I thinking? What was I thinking! But what could I say? (I could have said ‘No’!) But it’s done now. And anyway, she might not get pregnant. She might be sterile, or I might be infertile (or is it the other way around?) And even if she does get pregnant, we can abort it. And even if we don’t abort it, we can give it away. And even if we don’t give it away, she can do all the work looking after it. Sorted.
Very cold today – looking forward to getting away for Chinese New Year. We’ve got over three weeks off, and Julie wants to go to Sanya, Hainan Island (one of her mature students recommended it). Apparently, it’s the most southerly part of China – and even when it’s below freezing in Shanghai, it stays around twenty–five Celsius in Sanya. Whoppee! When I told Ron about it, he was already clued in.
“Oh, sure – I took Venus there after we got married. Fabulous place – it’s China’s answer to the resorts in Thailand or Hawaii.” He gave me a business card. “This is the hotel we stayed at in Yalong Bay. Not cheap – but worth it for that special holiday. You and Julie would like it – particularly now you’re married, eh?”
He doesn’t know half of it.
Thursday 6
Calamity! Dr Wang called me into her office today. “I’m sorry, Simon, we’ve got to let you go.”
“Go where?” I asked.
“I mean, we can’t extend your contract for another year – I’m sorry. We’ll give you a good reference, of course.”
I didn’t know what to say at first. Then I said, “Can I take my students with me?” Dr Wang looked confused. “What, you mean all seventy–five of them?”
“Yeah.”
“It doesn’t work like that Simon.”
I felt very sad after that. I told my students, and they were sad too.”
“But you can’t go, Simon… we like you.”
“Thanks guys,” I said, “but I’ve got to move on. I’m sure you’ll get a good teacher next year. Perhaps Mr Beckenbauer will teach you maths – he’s good.” They didn’t disagree with that. Then they said, “But you makes us laugh more.”
Told Julie about my conversation with Dr Wang when I got home. Expected her to be sad too.
“Brilliant!” she said. “We can go somewhere else – maybe Hong Kong, Singapore or even Thailand! The weather’s so crap here… d’you know it snowed today?”
“You hum it and I’ll play it,” I said, trying to be jovial.
“You travel all this way from home, and the weather’s just as shit. Can’t wait to go somewhere with a decent climate.”
That’s why I like Julie. We spent the rest of the evening studying a map of the World and fantasising about our next adventure together. (Managed to talk her out of Afghanistan, Iraq and North Korea.) In the end, we agreed not to decide now – it’s only the beginning of January. Then, as we were putting the map away, Julie said, “Hey, I had a mate at college who went to one of these International Job Fairs and got a teaching job there.”
“Like the one in Shanghai?” I asked.
“Yeah – they have them all over the World – America, UK, Australia... let’s have a look.”
We Googled ‘International Job Fairs’ and found a few companies who specialise in finding teachers international teaching positions. Great! There were fairs coming up in Hong Kong, Bangkok, London, Cambridge, San Francisco and Toronto. Some were during our holiday.
“Let’s go to Toronto,” Julie said.
That’s my Julie – she says she wants to go somewhere hot like Thailand, and then she sugge
sts a place where the temperature can reach minus twenty–five degrees Celsius!
“You do realise that Toronto is colder than Shanghai,” I said.
“You’re so fussy, Simon. Just a little bit of cold and snow, and you go to pieces.”
Clearly, Julie’s strange twin sister had just taken over her body. “Play back the tape,” I said.
“You know I don’t use tape…”
“The hard disc recording then.”
I found the part I wanted: ‘...can’t wait to go somewhere with a decent climate.’ “How do you plead?” I asked with a smirk. Got her this time.
“I was talking about a place to live, Simon. We’re only going to Toronto for a three day Job Fair. We don’t have to actually work in Canada.”
Fair point.
Friday 7
Felt very bright and cheery today. I have to say that the idea of a new job in a new country is very exciting. Thought I’d chat to Ron and Sheila about their other teaching jobs over lunch.
“Yeah, I’ve worked abroad a few times,” admitted Ron. “Kuwait, Kenya, Thailand… and now China. Wouldn’t go back to teach in the UK now. Why d’you ask?”
“Oh, just thinking of options...”
“You’ve been sacked, haven’t you Simon?” said Sheila, smirking.
“What me? No no no… in fact, Dr Wang’s offered me an extended contract. Julie and me were just thinking of somewhere warmer next year, that’s all.”
“Know what you mean,” said Ron. “After where I’ve been, the winter here’s a killer. So where d’you fancy?”
“Oh, I don’t know – Hong Kong or Singapore perhaps, or even Thailand.”
“At least you can have a decent drink in those places without anyone labelling you as an alcoholic,” Sheila pointed out. “Not that I drink very much…” We all nodded soberly. “I can give you the names of a few schools in Hong Kong if you’re interested,” she added.
I thanked Sheila and Ron, and went back to the office. Food for thought. Still couldn’t understand why Julie wants to go to the Toronto job fair instead of Hong Kong or Bangkok. It’s over thirteen hours on the plane to Toronto, but less than five to Bangkok – and only two–and a half to Hong Kong. Must talk to her about that tomorrow… so tired now.
Saturday 8
Got it. Julie’s cousin Stephanie lives in Toronto. Mad as a hatter, but gets on well with Julie.
“Why didn’t you tell me about Stephanie?” I asked.
“I thought you didn’t like her.”
“Well, I only met her once,” I said. “She just seemed a bit crazy, that’s all.”
“We don’t have to stay with her – we can book a room at the hotel where they’re holding the Fair.”
“That’s better – I don’t mind paying for the hotel… and it’ll be dead convenient for the Job Fair.” I’m not one of those penny–pinching guys who don’t like forking out for a hotel. Deep pockets and short arms, and all that. “How much are the rooms?” I asked.
“Two hundred dollars a night.”
Actually, I quite liked Steph when we met in London.
Sunday 9
Julie phoned Stephanie today and, by the sound of the conversation, she’s looking forward to seeing us. Well, seeing Julie anyway. Meanwhile, I registered with the Job Fair, and booked our flights to Toronto. Stephanie said we could stay for as long as we liked, so we decided to spend a week over there. Can’t wait!
Monday 10
Despite me making a balls up of the last maths exam, Dr Wang asked me to set the end of term examination paper. Perhaps she feels a bit bad after not hiring me for another year. So she should. “But please, use a bit of common sense this time Simon,” she said. I’ve heard of common sense, I’m sure I have…
Tuesday 11
Writers’ group meeting last night. Anton asked for suggestions for new name for our group, and we said we’d think about it. Toni brought his latest painting, which looked partly like a crab, partly like an elephant and partly like Melissa. I didn’t like to ask what it was meant to be. “What do you think?” he asked. Everyone was quiet for a moment, and then I said, “I like the colours.”
“It’s all blue,” pointed out Anton.
“Yeah, I like blue,” I said.
“What d’you think, Julie?” Toni asked.
“It’s cool,” she said. “What’s it called?”
“Evolution,” replied Toni. We all nodded. Melissa was smiling.
“I think it’s got my eyes,” she said.
Then Anton spoke, “I like the art – very much – but I cannot concur with the theory.”
“What theory is that?” Maddy asked.
“The Theory of Evolution,” he said. Then Maddy had an idea.
“Hey guys, that could be our topic for next meeting… we can all write a piece on the Theory of Evolution.”
I’d heard of that theory – but for the life of me I couldn’t think what it was. And I didn’t want to ask in case they made a monkey out of me. Then Julie read her second travel piece, inspired by her visit to Xi’an to see the terracotta warriors with Dad and Tara.
Warriors of Mud, by Julie Bucket.
An army of mud,
Sorted and sifted, then carefully lifted.
Figures made, artisans paid.
Buried for centuries, never to be found.
Then by chance unearthed from the ground.
Terracotta, what a lotta men;
Each one different, but
Made of the same clay.
Unearthed by a farmer in a field one day.
An army of mud
Guarding the tomb of Emperor Qin;
Who can begin to imagine
The treasure laid within.
Xi’an is history – the story of humankind
As thousands are lined
In military rows – waiting for you to see.
The army of mud,
Terracotta clay,
That one day
Will live again.
“It will?” I asked. “They’ll come back to life you mean?”
“Artists’ licence,” Julie replied.
I wonder where I can get one of those licenses?
Wednesday 12
Can’t help thinking how much I’m enjoying my life in Shanghai. Living in a vibrant, modern city, in a country with a long and colourful past, and teaching in an excellent international school (until July anyway). Also, member of a creative writers group, and I’ve got a beautiful girlfriend. What more could I want in life? Well, recognition for one thing.
Dr Wang wasn’t very happy with me today. It was the deadline for submitting the exam papers to the Academic Affairs Office, and I hadn’t even started mine. Shouldn’t take long though, I thought, and I was right. Dr Wang was actually very pleased with my paper.
“Simon, that’s excellent…very good indeed. Challenging for some, but containing easier questions for others. No–one will perform very badly, and the better students can do really well. Have you got the answers?”
“Oh, yeah – sure,” I lied. “Can I get them to you first thing tomorrow morning? I’ve got to meet someone now…”
“Yes, no problem… thanks for your good work.”
I couldn’t tell her that I got the questions off the internet, of course, and there were no answers. Thought that wouldn’t be a problem though – just go through the paper and work out the solutions myself.
Question 1 looked quite easy, but Question 2… hmmm… Question 3 was a tricky bastard. Question 4… good question! No idea how to solve it. Question 5... ah, got it – no worries. I think. Question 6… I was never good at Integration. Question 7, Polynomials (aren’t they natives of some Pacific islands?) Question 8, Sequences and Series. ‘Prove that the sum of an arithmetic series is ½n(2a + (n–1)d).’ I’m sure they can do that one. Question 9... they’re getting harder. Question 10… I think I’d better phone Troy.
Troy is a wiz at Maths – best student in the school
. If he can’t get every question right, no–one can. So called him and arranged to meet at Starbucks near the school. “Now, what I’m going to tell you, Troy, is very, very, very, very, very, very confidential – got it?”
“Sure, Simon. You can trust me.”
“Great.” I looked around to see if anyone was watching. “Here is the end term maths exam paper…”
His eyes lit up, “I see…” He scanned the paper.
“Now I know you’ll get one hundred percent correct in this exam, Troy, so I’m going to ask you to give me the solutions to all the questions – okay?”
“No problem – how long I got?”
“One hour enough?” He nodded. I bought the coffees and watched him scribble the answers on the paper I provided. I envy kids like him, answering maths questions like he’s breathing fresh air. But to be a good maths teacher, you don’t actually have to be good at maths. It’s like football managers. Some of the best in the World were never great footballers. After fifty–five minutes, I had all the answers, neatly written out. Sorted.
Thursday 13
Handed a copy of the exam answers to Dr Wang (rewritten in my own hand, of course). She seemed very pleased. “I’ve been thinking again about next year, Simon. There may be a position for you at the school in September after all – if you’re still interested.”
“I’ve been looking at a few other possibilities,” I said, “but nothing definite yet, so thanks.” Dr Wang isn’t so bad after all.
Told Julie about the maths exam when I got home. She seemed to like me for it. “Oh, you bad boy!” She kissed me passionately. “Let’s go to bed...”
“But I might get fired for this...”
“What, for having sex?”
“No, for getting questions from the net, and giving the exam paper to a student.” She ignored this and began to undo my belt.
“So what if she fires you – you’ve lost your job already!”
I didn’t tell her about Dr Wang’s new offer, and gave in to Julie’s passions.
Friday 14
Being the last teaching day before the exams next week, school finished early, and I went for dinner with Klaus, Ron, Sheila, and Hamish.
“Glad the term’s nearly over Hamish?” I asked.
“O coorse, a hiv t’ say, a’m leukin’ forrit tae the halidays.”
“And what are you going to do?”
“A’m gaein t’ git plaistered at hame.”
“He means he’s going to get very drunk at home,” said Sheila. I don’t blame him.”
“And how about you?” I asked her.
“Getting very drunk you mean?”
“No–no,” (that was a given), “are you going home, or staying in China?”
“Oh, probably stay here and do a bit of sight–seeing – haven’t seen much of China yet.”
“Sounds good,” I said. I haven’t seen much of it myself.
“You should try Harbin,” chipped in Ron. “Beautiful in the winter – bloody cold though.”
“You’ve been there then Ron?” I asked.
“Sure – it’s where Venus comes from. We’re going back at Chinese New Year to visit her folks. It’s minus nine degree Celsius there at the moment – minus twenty–one at night. Toronto’s probably going to be similar.”
For a moment I’d forgotten about our trip to the Job Fair in Canada. Dr Wang’s offer of a place at the school next year had made my job–seeking not so urgent. My thoughts were interrupted by Klaus.
“You’ll find another job, Simon, don’t worry.” he said. “You are good wiz zer students – better than me really – and your teaching methods are… ‘different.’” I thanked him, and then he said: “Are you interested in Astronomy?”
“Well, when I was fourteen my dad bought me a telescope...”
“Oh really? And did you observe any heavenly bodies?” he asked.
“I did watch Jennifer Jones getting undressed a couple of times – and she was pretty heavenly.” But that wasn’t exactly what Klaus had in mind.
“I mean, did you observe ze planets or ze moon?” I had to admit that I didn’t – Jennifer was as far as I got.
“I think I’ve discovered sumzing much more interesting zan Jennifer Jones,” he said. I found that hard to believe, but I let him continue. “Have you ever looked really carefully at the moon?” I shook my head.
“Is it really made of cheese?” I asked, sipping my beer.
Klaus ignored my banal remark and said, “Why do we only see one side of the Moon?” I thought about this for a bit, but no inspiration came my way.
“Sorry Klaussie – I don’t know mate. You’ll have to ask someone else.”
“Think about it. If ze Moon revolves around the Earth, wouldn’t we one day see the other side?” He pulled a tennis ball out of his pocket and did a demonstration, with the ball as the Moon and my head as the Earth. “You see? We are told zat the rotational period of the Moon on its axis, exactly matches the rotational period ze Moon around ze Earth… zat is the only way astronomers can explain what we see in ze sky. Now look at zis…”
He wrote some figures on a bit of paper. Axial rotation of the moon, 27.321622 days; orbital rotation, 27.321622 days.” If these figures were different by just a fraction of a second, we would eventually see the complete Moon – both sides.”
“But we don’t – right?” I said.
“No, we don’t. Quite amazing, don’t you think?”
“Well, yeah,” I said, “But even if the chance of it happening like this is ten billion to one, there’s still the one chance. So it’s not impossible.”
“Right,” said Klaus, “That’s what I used to think, until I realised…”
As the alcohol kicked in, the rest of what Klaus said was bit of a blur. But I’d heard enough to be a little perturbed by it. Was Klaus saying that the Moon doesn’t actually revolve around the Earth? When I got home, I talked this over with Julie.
“It’s a conspiracy,” she said.
“How so?” I asked.
“Science is the new religion, and religions don’t want you to think for yourself: they want to take over your mind, and make you into some sort of compliant zombie. Could you run down the shop and buy some more DVDs please babe? There’s a good boy.”
Saturday 15
Searched the internet for information on the Moon, but couldn’t find anything to contradict what Klaus said last night. I know he seems a bit of an anorak at times, but I think he’s got his head screwed on right. Dug out my Apollo 13 video and watched that with Julie in the afternoon. Couldn’t understand why they ran with the number thirteen knowing it could be unlucky. Very glad to see that Tom Hanks survived in the end, because he’s a good actor – and I’d like to see him again in another movie.
Julie suggested we play golf tomorrow. When I said it’s going to be freezing cold, she said I was a bit of a wus at times, and it would be good training for Canada. She could be right – but I don’t fancy playing with frosty balls.
Sunday 16
Took our clubs down to City Golf Club in Shanghai – same place I played with Graham a few weeks ago. But Julie’s reaction to the caddies was somewhat different.
“They carry your clubs for you – it’s their job,” I said.
“Get lost… I’ll carry my own…”
“But it’s the rules...”
“I don’t care – I’m not paying her to carry anything of mine. And she’s not going anywhere near your balls.”
In the end one of the managers (Mr Zhang) came to see what the commotion was about. I explained the situation, and Mr Zhang said, “Well, how about Long Li,” he said introducing one of the Chinese waiters from the restaurant. “Can he carry your clubs for you Miss Julie?”
Julie’s expression turned from a scowl to a smile in less than a second.
“Oh, all right – go on then.”
I don’t what it is with Julie and waiters, but Long Li kept her happy for the entire
eighteen holes.
Monday 17 to Thursday 20
End of Term Exams! The great thing about exams is that there’s no teaching; the downside is ‘Invigilation’, as they call it. A couple of hours doing nothing except watch the students work hard at their exam papers. Before the exams began, Dr Wang got all us teachers together to go over the procedure.
“For those of you new to invigilating examinations, these are the rules. For the students: no talking, or any contact with other students; no unauthorised materials in the exam room; read and follow the instructions on the exam papers before the exam begins. When the examination is over, they must stop writing immediately and put their pens and pencils down. For the invigilators, you must pay full attention to the students. No reading, writing, or marking homework. Nothing except watching.”
“Is breathing allowed?” asked Ron.
“Of course, you must breath,” replied Dr Wang.
“How about thinking?” he said.
“If you must.”
Unfortunately, Dr Wang completely forgot to mention sleeping – which, I have to say, I did during the Chemistry exam this morning. Well, it was so boring and I was pretty tired after the golf yesterday. But I don’t think anyone noticed me nod off.
On Tuesday morning it was the maths exam, and I was obviously hoping my kids would do well. Got the papers in the afternoon and Klaus and I starting marking them.
“Simon – is Troy is one of your students?”
“Yeah, bright kid,” I said.
“Looks like he’s got ninety–eight percent – good score!”
I was taken aback. How could he have only got ninety–eight percent? What did this mean? “Let me see that…”
“Sure. See – he only dropped two marks on question five.”
Either the answer Troy gave me in Starbucks was wrong, or he’d just forgotten the answer on the day. Panic!
“Look, er… could you double–check the answer for me Klaus?” I said.
“Is there a problem?”
“It’s just that I know this kid, and it’s unlike him to get this sort of question wrong.”
“Okay, sure.”
Klaus scribbled away for a few minutes, and then announced that the solution on the answer sheet was spot on: Troy was wrong.
Later, I saw Troy and asked him about question five.
“Oh, I know I didn’t do well with that question Simon… sorry.”
“But you knew the answer?”
“Sure, but I thought it be better if I didn’t get all questions right – just in case.”
Smart kid.
On Wednesday, Sheila came to see me about the Chemistry exam. She’d completed the marking and had a question. “Simon, you invigilated the first Chemistry paper, didn’t you?” I confirmed that I did. “Did you happen to notice any contact between David Zhu and Tommy Ji during the exam?” I thought for a moment.
“No, everything seemed in order – the exam went like a dream… why do you ask?”
“Well, David and Tommy were sitting near to each other, and their answers are all the same – every question. They’ve even made exactly the same mistakes.”
“I suppose that can happen, I said.”
“No no, not like this. I’ll have to see Jessica. David usually scores around sixty percent in Chemistry, and his score has suddenly moved up to eighty–five percent.”
How long was I asleep, I wondered?
Thursday. Emailed the maths results to Dr Wang, and she was very pleased (all my students scored more than eighty percent). She also said she’d reconsidered my recommendation for the new maths teacher next term, and is happy to hire David Gillespie from Texas (Google should be pleased). So the term is ending on a high.
Friday 21
Last day at school before the holidays– hurrah!
Finished school early, and went for a meal with all the teachers. “Well, here’s to the end of a profitable and enjoyable term,” said Graham, raising his glass and toasting everyone, “Ganbei.”He downed his glass of wine in one, showing the customary empty glass to everyone, and we all followed suit.
Our glasses were topped up by the waitress, and Sheila immediately said “I’ll drink to that – Ganbei,” and emptied her glass. Hard to follow that, but Hamish did.
“Och, that’s a leddy’s drink...” He filled his empty glass with Baijiu (Chinese spirit, fifty–six percent proof alcohol), shouted “Slangevar,” and downed it in one. Sheila smiled and did the same. Whilst the two were hitting the bottle, I talked to Ron.
“So, how’s the family Ron?”
“Don’t talk to me about families,” he said bitterly. “That’s all I hear from Venus now. She’s only twenty–five and she wants a baby already – don’t know what the hurry’s about.”
“Know what you mean,” I said.
“What – Julie’s wants a kid as well?”
“Yeah… seems crazy to me. She’s only twenty–four.”
“Christ! No wonder the World’s over–populated. No disrespect to Julie, but how on Earth can a twenty–four year old girl bring up and educate a kid? When I was that age I was still a kid myself. No, child rearing should be done by people in their late forties and fifties – people who’ve been around and know what life’s about – that’s what I say. Not that Venus or Julie shouldn’t have kids – don’t get me wrong. Girls are sexually mature any time from ten to sixteen years of age – so that’s the time to start having sex. And if children result from it, clearly kids that age are not mature enough to bring them up – so give them to the grandparents.”
I had to admit that what Ron said made sense. “My mum is always saying she wants grandchildren – she loves babies, and she’d make a much better job than Julie.”
“There you are then – sorted,” he said.
“The only thing is, Julie wants a baby to keep – not just to give away to mum.”
“Yeah, and you know why?” asked Ron.
“No?”
“She wants a baby to play with!”
“What? You mean all she wants is a toy?”
“Got it in one,” he said.
Saturday 22 – Sunday 23
Couldn’t help thinking about my conversation with Ron as Julie and I started packing for our trip to Canada – and it gave me an idea. Made an excuse about needing to see Klaus, and came home with a big package for Julie. She was so excited!
“Is that for me?” she said.
“Sure is babe. Take a look.”
She ripped open the package as if her life depended on it.
“It’s a baby, baby!”
I nodded my head, smirking. “I’m glad you recognise it.”
“It’s so… life–like… can you feed it?” she asked.
“You certainly can. You can feed it with a bottle, change its nappy, and even make it cry.” You should have seen her face!
Ron was right.
Monday 24
No Writers meeting tonight because of the holidays. Julie spent a long time deciding whether or not to take her baby to Canada. When I eventually told her we’d have to pay for an extra seat if she took it on the plane, that seemed to make up her mind. “But who’s going to look after her while we’re away?” she asked. I told her that I’d ask Google to do that.
Tuesday 25
Still packing. A few disagreements about how cold it’s going to be in Toronto, and therefore how many warm clothes to take. Eventually, Julie suggested I sit in the refrigerator to gauge the coldness of sub–zero temperatures. I said that was ridiculous – I’d never fit in; but we could put the baby inside instead, and see how much frost it accumulates. She didn’t like that at all. “Sometimes Simon, you’re the cruellest guy in the whole world,” she said.
Wednesday 26 – Thursday 27
We left Shanghai Pudong airport at 5.45pm today bound for Toronto. As the plane took off from the airport, Julie asked me what time we’d arrive at our destination. I checked the schedule and said, “S
ix–fifteen pm.”
“What, today?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“Brilliant!” she said. “I thought it was going to be a long flight!”
I tried to explain about the International Date Line and time zones, but she didn’t quite get it. She was quiet for a while, then said,
“If we could fly ten percent faster, we’d actually arrive before we took off – right?” I scribbled some numbers down, and then confirmed that this was correct. “Great!” she said, “We’re in a frigging time–machine!”
She did want to ask the pilot to go faster, but I managed to talk her out of it.
Funny thing when you’re flying long distance. You just sit there, apparently not going anywhere, but actually you’re travelling at over five hundred miles an hour relative to the ground. And as the Earth is spinning at a thousand miles per hour around its axis, you could be moving at a speed of 1,500 miles an hour. But this is nothing to the speed of the Earth around the sun – which is 67,000 miles per hour! Wanted to tell Julie this, but thought it might freak her out.
Dozed for a while, watched movies, ate food at strange times of day, talked to Julie about the future, dozed off again, ate more food, and eventually landed at Pearson International Airport at 6.20pm on Wednesday. Outside, there was thick snow, and it looked pretty cold.
We collected our luggage from the carousel, and followed the exit signs. On the other side, there was Stephanie, in a thick black coat, a red scarf and a big smile behind glossy red lipstick. She was shorter than I remembered, but just as lively.
“Julie! Fab to see you!” she shouted. Heads turned, expecting to see some celebrity. ‘Fab?’ I thought.
“You remember Simon?” Julie replied.
“Simon – how could I forget! You’re shorter than I remember.”
“I’ve been taking shrinking pills,” I jested.
“Really? Those Chinese can do anything. Anyway, follow me – I’ve got the car outside.”
We drove to her apartment through the snow–lined streets of Toronto, passing some elegant skyscrapers soaring into the evening sky. Nice, but relatively small compared to Shanghai.
“Must take you to the Tower,” Steph said as she drove.
“Why – what have we done wrong?” I joked (thinking of the Tower of London). But she was talking about the Toronto CN Tower – the tallest free–standing structure in the Western Hemisphere.
“Is he always like this?” she asked Julie.
“No, sometimes he’s funny,” she said.
Despite the cold outside, it was very warm in Stephanie’s spacious apartment. Steph showed us the spare room, where we dropped our bags off, and I used the bathroom.
“So, no man in your life at the moment, Steph?” Julie asked, thinking I couldn’t hear them talk. But I’ve got ears like a hawk (or is that ears like a vulture?)
“Oh, I’ve been dating a bit, but no–one special. Still looking.”
“Quite right – shop around for the right guy,” said Julie.
“Simon seems quite cute,” observed Steph.
“Yeah, well… wait till you get to know him...” laughter.
I joined them in the lounge.
“Well, I guess you guys are tired after that long flight...” said Steph.
“Oh, we’re fine,” Julie replied, without asking me.
“Okay, let’s party!” That’s the Stephanie I remember.
Don’t know how Julie could do it. My body clock said I’d been up for over twenty–four hours, but Julie’s seem to say ‘rock around the clock’. Anyway, they dragged me off to Malone’s bar for a drink, and that’s all I remember. The next thing I knew I was waking up in my new bed, focussing on Julie.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“Eleven–thirty.”
“a.m. or p.m.?”
“In the morning – you’ve been asleep for over twelve hours.”
“Oh…” I was a bit disorientated. “How did I get here?”
“Steph drove us home, then we put you to bed.”
“We? Who undressed me?” I asked (a bit concerned).
“We both did.” She smiled. “Breakfast’s ready.”
I got dressed, and wandered along to the lounge.
“If you want bacon, you’ll have to kill your own pig,” Steph shouted from the kitchen. Apparently, she’s a bit of a vegetarian.
“Okay, where’s the gun?” I joked.
“I don’t have a gun, you’ll have to use the kitchen knife,” she said.
“Sure,” I replied, going towards the kitchen drawer. I found the biggest knife I could and went outside. “Jeezus!” And I thought it was cold yesterday.
“Minus thirteen today, Simon,” Julie informed me with a smile.
Cereal and toast it was then. Not that I’d really kill a pig…
In the afternoon, Steph took us up the famous CN Tower. According to the guidebook, the tower is five hundred and fifty–three metres tall, which ranks it as the second tallest tower in the World. Fantastic view from the top. On one level, there’s a glass floor, which I wouldn’t walk on – to the derision of the girls, who happily walked on it, lay on it, and Steph even jumped up and down on it. Told you she was crazy.
Friday 28
First day of the Recruitment Fair. Julie and I registered with the organisers, and then attended a boring meeting where the weekend’s programme was outlined and discussed. Got the details of over thirty international schools attending the Fair, which I studied with Julie (well, I studied the info and she looked at the pictures). There were schools from China, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Hong Kong, Egypt and Dubai – amongst others. Tomorrow morning we meet the recruiters and sign up for interviews – hurrah!
Returned to Steph’s around five, and she cooked us a nice meal – after which she took us to a Jazz & Blues bar, not far from where she lived. The place was quiet at first, but soon got going.
“Do you like Blues, Simon?” she asked.
“To be honest, I prefer Reds,” I replied.
“Really? Well, I can take you to a Reds bar later,” she said. “And tomorrow, we’ll go to a Greens restaurant… you should always have your greens.”
I’d forgotten about Steph’s colourful language.
Saturday 29
Signed up for six interviews today for schools in China, Thailand, Malaysia, Dubai and Turkey. All the interviews took place in the recruiters’ hotel bedrooms, and my first was with Dr Mike Thompson, Principal of an International school in Hangzhou, China.
“Good to meet you Simon – take a seat. I shook his hand and sat down. “Actually, I think it would be more convenient to sit over there,” he said. I got off the bed, and moved to the chair next opposite him. “I see that you’re currently working at Shanghai International College in China – a very good school. Actually, I know Jessica Wang very well. Do you know where our school is?”
“In Hangzhou?” I ventured.
“Well, yes – I suppose the name ‘Hangzhou International School’ may have given that away. And why are you interested in teaching in Hangzhou?”
At this point, I realised I wasn’t really prepared for this interview.
“I need a job,” I said lamely.
“Right… I guessed that. I mean, why do you want to move away from Shanghai – is it too big, too noisy, too crowded, too polluted, or what?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“Yes what?”
“Yes, Doctor Thompson,” I was struggling now.
“No, I mean, why specifically do you want to move away from Shanghai and work in Hangzhou?”
I was stumped. Then inspiration hit me: I remembered something I heard on television. “Marco Polo said that Hangzhou was ‘Heaven on Earth’.”
“True,” Mike said, nodding. “But that was some seven hundred years ago… Hangzhou has changed considerably since then.” There was a pause, and then he said, “Tell me about your current position?”
“My job you mean?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I teach A–level Maths to Chinese students who want to go to universities in the West.”
“I see…”
“And they’re red hot – particularly the girls…”
“What?”
“At mathematics. Better than me really, but they seem to like me as a teacher; they don’t want me to leave.”
“Well, that’s a good sign. And what do you think you could bring to our school?”
“I’d like to bring my girlfriend…”
“No, I mean – what sort of skills, teaching methodologies, new ideas…”
“Oh, I see… well, I know a lot about the UK… and I could educate the students about British Culture and lifestyle, as well as mathematics.”
At this point, I thought it wise not to mention my insight into the UK’s club and drug scene. I think that this sort of consideration is one of my strongest traits.
“Good, good – that’s definitely something we need in Hangzhou. Sixty percent of our students go on to study at UK universities. Do you have any questions you’d like to ask me, Simon?”
I thought for a moment. I really hadn’t prepared any questions, so I just said the first thing that came into my head.
“What are the pubs like in Hangzhou?”
Got a feeling that I might have bombed that one.
My second interview was with the Ravipreevan International College in Bangkok, Thailand, and I was met by Brad Schmidt, the school’s American Academic Director. I was a bit more prepared this time.
“Hi Simon – come on in and take a seat.” I have to say that I felt much more relaxed for this interview having got one under my belt earlier. “So tell me, have you ever been to Thailand?”
“Well, they had a branch near my home town in England, and I often went there to buy shirts and ties.”
He looked puzzled, and then said, “Oh, Tieland! Hey, you’re a funny guy! Apart from ties, what do you expect to find in Bangkok?”
“Oh, hotels, shops, offices, schools, roads, cars, motorbikes, people, pollution, food…”
“Okay, okay – I mean, culturally. How different from China do you think it will be?”
I thought carefully, looking for an intelligent answer. I was sure there was one – I just had to give a well–considered, educated response.
“More laid back?” I ventured.
“Sure is. And I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, Simon. Maybe it’s the influence of their Buddhists beliefs, maybe it’s the heat – but life at our school is definitely at a more relaxed pace than you’re used to in Shanghai.” Then he studied his notes. “I see you’ve got a partner, Julie Bucket, who’s also looking for a teaching job.” I nodded. “Well, that’s great – we have a possible vacancy for her too.” I smiled. Then he said, “Are there any questions you’d like to ask me?”
I looked down at my own notes. Didn’t want to make the same mistake as last time. “Okay,” I said. “How many students can I expect in my classes? What is the average age of the students? What type of schools are they sourced from? Do they have to take an entrance exam? If so, what it the pass mark? What percentage are borders? What is the male–female ratio? What are their annual tuition fees? What are the ethnic backgrounds of the teachers? How many periods will I teach per week? What is the length of each period? What holidays do I get per year? What is my monthly salary? What housing allowance can I expect to receive? What airfare do you pay? Will you help me find an apartment, open a bank account, get a mobile phone, and meet me at the airport?
Brad was speechless for a moment – then he said, “Er… I’ll let you know.”
Anyway, that seemed to go pretty well. The other interviews were good too, and by the end of the day I had two definite offers – one from Brad’s school and the other from a school in Turkey.
Had dinner with Julie in the hotel after the interviews and compared notes. She’d also had offers from the same schools in Thailand and Turkey, plus an offer from a British International School in Vietnam. It had been a long day, and with more interviews tomorrow, we had relaxing night at Stephanie’s watching ‘Confessions of a School Teacher’ on the sofa.
Sunday 30
Really into this recruitment fair stuff now. I had three more interviews today, and the first was with the British School in Vietnam which offered Julie a job yesterday. I was interviewed by David Craig, head of HR at the school.
“Tell me about a memorable lesson of yours,” he said after we’d gone through the formalities.
I thought for a bit, and then said, “It was just before Christmas. The kids were in a great mood, and we were all having fun. Then the teacher said: ‘Let’s all go for a run around the track!’ It was freezing cold, with ice everywhere, and we thought he was bonkers – but we all did it anyway. Afterwards, I was sorry for Janet Smith when she broke her leg, but at the time we all thought she was just having a laugh, and pretending to be in agony (she was always a bit of an attention seeker). Kicking her to get her on her feet was probably not the best thing to do in retrospect.”
“Actually, I meant a memorable lesson of yours as a teacher.”
“Oh, I see...” I thought again for a few minutes, but nothing came to mind. Then David said,
“What do you like about teaching?”
Good question, I thought. What do I like about it? Was it the kids, the other staff, or the subject? Then I said, “I think I like being an entertainer.”
He looked over his reading glasses and smiled. “Simon, I’d like to offer you a job at our school.”
Couldn’t believe I’d passed the interview based on that performance! I later discovered they really wanted Julie, and thought if they offered me a job, that might swing it for her too. So I could have said any old rubbish...
Met up with Julie at lunchtime and had a bite to eat and a natter. I thought I’d done pretty well with three offers under my belt, but she’d done better still.
“Five!” I exclaimed.
“Yeah – but I’m not really keen on the job in Dubai.”
“How so – it’s hot there, isn’t it? Pretty much wall to wall sunshine, from what I’ve heard.”
“Right – and imagine me dressed from head to toe in black in all that heat. No thanks. You’d only see my eyes, and you could take anyone home to bed thinking it was me.” I tried to explain that it was only the Muslim women who dressed like that – and even they didn’t wear the Burka in bed. But Julie wasn’t listening, so I changed the subject.
“How d’you feel about Turkey?” I asked.
“You know I don’t eat meat, Simon, so why ask?”
“I mean…”
In the evening there was a joint candidates’ and recruiters’ cheese and wine reception in the hotel Ballroom. A good chance to meet each other socially, and perhaps seal deals. “So, Simon, Julie,” Brad Schmidt said as he wandered over to talk to us, “I meant to tell you earlier that there’s a married couple’s allowance built in to our teacher’s package…”
“Thanks, but were not actually…” I started to say, as Julie stood on my left foot.
“What’s that Simon?” he said.
“Oh, we’re not actually sure about Thailand…”
“That’s okay – but just to let you know, as a married couple you would receive fifteen hundred dollars per month between you, instead of four hundred and fifty each.”
Julie smiled at me. “Thanks Brad,” I said.
“No problem. Anyway, think about it and let me know ASAP. And don’t forget about our wonderful weather… you take care now.”
“He seems a nice guy,” I said to Julie after Brad had gone.
“Yeah, they all seem nice now we’ve got other offers. Bloody crawlers…”
Monday 31
Last night, Steph took us out for a meal downtown, it being our last night in Canada. Had a nice time, and we invited her to visit us in Shanghai whenever she gets time off from
Prison (she works at the local Toronto Jail). What is it about Julie’s family and prisons? Anyway, said our goodbyes in the morning after she drove us to the airport. It will be nice to be home.