Last Goodbye

by Holly C. Webb

  “Please,” I begged her. “I need my dad to know that it’s okay to smile again. It’s okay to start over and find happiness. He has put his life on hold since my mom left, and I want him to know that it’s okay to take care of him.”

  I paused, knowing the next part was going to be hard to say.

  “And I need Evan to know that it’s okay to love again,” I said, unable to fight back my tears. “I need him to know how much I love him; I have always loved him. But if I don’t beat this, I want him to fall in love again. I want him to be happy. I want him to have the life I might not get to have.”

  “Cassie, please,” Clare sobbed, as she wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly.

  “Please promise me,” I cried, as I let her hold me, feeling safe in her arms.

  “I promise,” she whispered, as she kissed my forehead. “You have my word.”

  Suddenly, there was a soft tap on the bathroom door and Clare released me from her embrace as I quickly wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

  “Come in,” I called out, but before the door opened, I already knew who was there. I knew it would be Evan.

  I was right.

  As the door opened slowly, he stepped into the bathroom, a look of worry on his face. The moment he saw me, he stopped dead in his tracks, and I knew he was a little thrown to see me with my head now shaved. But then he smiled, and something inside me told me that everything was going to be okay.

  “Wow!” He exclaimed as he walked into the bathroom. “You are… you’re beautiful, Cass. You really are.”

  “Thank you,” I said, giving him a grateful smile.

  “I think I will leave you two alone,” Clare said, giving me one last smile before she headed for the door. She stopped and kissed Evan on the cheek as she passed him, before she headed out the door, leaving the two of us alone once more.

  “Does it really look okay?” I asked, knowing that he would tell me the truth now that his mom was gone.

  “It really does,” he said as he walked slowly towards me, giving me the biggest smile, I’d ever seen. “I mean, if I’m honest, I kind of thought it would look weird, and I was worried that my reaction would upset you. But now that it’s done, I actually think it looks really cool.”

  “Really?” I asked, glad he was being totally honest with me.

  “Really,” he said as he stopped in front of me and gave me another smile. “Also, I always knew you had the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen, but now they just look amazing. You’re amazing. Cassie, you are simply beautiful.”

  “Thank you,” I said, blushing at his words.

  “And can I say,” he added with a cheeky grin. “You kinda look badass, and that’s kinda hot. Like, right now, I would love to just…”

  I pressed my lips to his before he finished the sentence. The last thing I needed now was to get all hot and bothered while everyone else was waiting downstairs for the big reveal.

  “Your mind is seriously always in the gutter,” I laughed as I finally released his lips from mine. “Now is not the time, Mr. Miller.”

  “You’re no fun,” he pouted, which just made me laugh more. I loved that no matter how crappy I was feeling, Evan always managed to somehow make me smile.

  “We should go down before my dad thinks I’ve completely fallen apart up here,” I said reaching for Evan’s hand. I led him out of the bathroom, then back across the bedroom, but I stopped when I reached the door. I turned back to Evan and gave him a big smile.

  “You know that I love you, right?” I asked him, not knowing why I needed to hear the answer.

  “Where did that come from?” He asked, giving me a questioning look. “Of course, I know you love me. But not as much as I love you, Cassie North.”

  “I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” I replied and kissed him once more before we headed downstairs to join the others.

  “Oh Cassie!” Clare exclaimed suddenly as we were all sitting around my dad’s living room, eating pizza and drinking beer. Well, I was allowed one small glass of beer because alcohol wasn’t really something that went well with chemotherapy.

  Doctor Altman and Doctor Bridges said that I was allowed the occasional small glass of beer, but as a rule, alcohol for the most part was out. But after the emotional evening we all had, Dad said one small glass wouldn’t hurt me.

  When I came down from my bedroom. As much as my dad tried to put on a brave face, he couldn’t hold back his tears. Even Tim got a little emotional, but he told me that his Princess Cassie was still the prettiest girl he knew.

  Mike just hugged me and told me that I actually looked badass too, but I knew it was a compliment. But eventually everyone was okay with the new me, and soon I’d even forgotten that my hair was gone.

  “I almost forgot,” Clare continued as she reached back into her back pocket and pulled something out. “I was going through my dresser the other day and I found these photos of you and Evan.

  She handed me three photos of Evan and I, when we were no more than six and seven. They were taken the second summer we’d lived at the house.

  Mom had just walked out, and I remembered that my dad was a mess, so Clare and Tim took me back to Ohio when their family went to visit Evan’s grandparents, for their summer vacation. They said it would give my dad some time to figure things out and keep me distracted at the same time.

  The pictures were taken while Evan and I were in one of the big meadows at his grandparents’ farm. Even back then, it was clear to see just how much we loved each other.

  “Oh my God,” I exclaimed as I looked down at the photographs. “I can’t believe how little we were. Or how blonde I was. These are amazing photos.”

  “You can keep them it you want,” Clare said, giving me a big smile.

  “Really?” I asked, looking up at her, feeling so grateful. “Are you sure?”

  “Of course,” she replied with a nod and another smile. “I have boxes of photos over in the house. You’re welcome to come over and go through them any time.”

  “I’d like that,” I replied as I looked down at the photos one more time. “Thank you.”

  “It’s my pleasure,” Clare said, smiling once more.

  It was almost ten o’clock when I finally said I was going to call it a night. Evan said he would come up with me to tuck me in. I kissed everyone good night, before I head for the stairs.

  While I was getting changed, Evan cleaned up the hair that was still in the bathroom, before he came back out and climbed on the bed next to me.

  “Today has been the weirdest day of my life,” I sighed as I rested my head against his chest.

  “Yeah, it’s been a strange one, that’s for sure,” he agreed with a yawn. “But we’re good now, right?”

  “We’re better than good,” I assured him, knowing he was still a little upset over my outburst earlier that day. “And I’m sorry for the things I said today.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for, Cass,” he replied and kissed my head, which actually made me giggle.

  “What’s so funny?” He asked, yawning once more.

  “Doesn’t it feel weird kissing my head with no hair?” I asked, looking up at him.

  “Why would it be weird?” He gave me a confused look. “It’s still you, right?”

  “I guess it is,” I replied, as I rested my head down once more.

  Neither of us spoke for a moment, and I couldn’t help but wonder what Evan was thinking. I wondered if he was planning to spend the night, or if he would go home like he had the night before we went to the beach house.

  I hoped he would stay. I’d gotten used to having him there beside me.

  “Will you stay with me tonight?” I asked, deciding it would be best to just ask, rather than worry, but Evan didn’t answer. I lift up my head and smiled when I realised that Evan was already fast asleep.

  Smiling to myself again as I softly kissed his lips before I rested my head back down onto his chest, and soon I was fast asleep t
oo.

  Chapter 17

  Evan

  Today was the last day of Cassie’s second round of chemo, and to say I felt relieved was an understatement. This round of chemo seemed to take a bigger effect on her than the first round. She had spent most of the week sleeping, and the night before she had spiked a slight temperature, but thankfully it seems to have settled today.

  I had set up the chess set for a game like always, but ten minutes into the game, I looked up and Cassie was fast asleep.

  I watched her as she slept for a few moments and thought that despite how weak she seemed; she’d never looked more beautiful. She was wearing her now trademark, black scarf on her head, covering up the fact that she no longer had hair.

  Despite the fact that she insisted that she was not upset about her hair, I knew that deep down inside she was. The fact she wouldn’t be seen without one of her scarves on her head confirmed that she wasn’t as okay about it as she proclaimed.

  “How is she doing?” The nurse who was taking care of Cassie, asked when she came in to check on her.

  “She’s sleeping again,” I sighed, knowing that something was definitely off with Cassie. “This isn’t normal, right?”

  “It can be, but I’ll put a call into Doctor Bridges,” the nurse replied, giving me a reassuring smile, but something told me she was worried too. “I think it would be wise to have her checked over properly.”

  “Thank you,” I said, grateful that they were taking such good care of Cassie. “I think perhaps I should ring her dad and have him come down too.”

  “I think that’s a good idea,” the nurse agreed as she checked Cassie’s IV. Then she checked her pulse and temperature, writing it down on her chart without saying anything more.

  I knew then that I was right, she was worried about Cassie too. Something was wrong, it was written all over her face.

  I excused myself and went outside to call Will, telling him I thought it would be a good idea if he came down to the hospital.

  I returned to the room just as the nurse was leaving. When I walked in, I instantly spotted that Cassie was awake. She smiled at me the moment she saw me, but I could see in her eyes that she wasn’t doing so well.

  “Cassie,” I said, sitting down next to her, taking hold of her hand. “Are you okay, baby?”

  “I don’t feel so good,” she replied, giving me a weak smile. “I’m cold.”

  I reached for her hand and instantly felt that she was burning.

  “Cass, you’re burning up,” I said bending down to look her directly in the eye. “I’m going to go get the nurse.”

  “No, wait!” She exclaimed, grabbing my hand tighter as suddenly fear filled her eyes. “Don’t leave me… I… I can’t breathe.”

  Suddenly she began to cough, as her breathing became more laboured.

  “Cass, I’m getting some help,” I cried as I jumped to my feet, running for the door. “Help me! Someone, please! She can’t breathe.”

  Before I knew what was happening, lots on medical staff ran towards the room. I turned to go back into Cassie’s, but a male nurse stopped me.

  “I need to be with her!” I pleaded, looking up into his eyes. “She needs me.”

  “If you want to help her,” he said, keeping his voice calm and even. “You need to let us help her. I know that this is scary, but I promise we’ll take good care of her.”

  He turned and began to help the other medical staff looking after Cassie. I stepped back, then back again, until my back hit the wall behind me. Then I just stood there and watched as they rushed around trying to help her. While I just stood there, complete panic wrapped itself around my soul.

  Finally, one of the nurses stepped back and my eyes finally found Cassie’s. She was wearing an oxygen mask and she looked like she was beyond terrified. I was just about to make my way across to her, when she was lifted up by one of the male nurses, and she is placed on a gurney that was just rolled into the room.

  Once she was on the gurney, I took my chance to get back to her side. When I reached her, I grabbed her hand, and she gripped mine tightly.

  “Everything is going to be okay, Cass,” I assured her, holding her hand as tightly as I could. Then I looked up at the nurse who’d been caring for her all morning. “What’s going on? What’s wrong with her? Why can’t she breathe.”

  “We don’t know yet,” she said, clearly not wanting to tell me too much. “But it looks like it might be pneumonia.”

  “But she was okay this morning,” I said, knowing that was strictly true. She had a temp the night before, but she seemed better when she woke earlier that morning. “I mean, she wasn’t herself, but she wasn’t this sick. How can it happen so fast?”

  “It happens with chemo,” she replied, giving me a reassuring smile. “One minute you’re okay, then you’re not. But we will take good care of her. She’s in the right place.”

  I looked down at Cassie once more as they began to move the gurney out of the treatment area. I walked quickly to keep up with them, but my eyes never left Cassie’s.

  “You’re going to be okay,” I said, knowing that she was probably more scared than I was right at that moment. “You just need to breathe… Keep breathing, okay.”

  Before she could even try to answer, we reached another door, this time it was into a trauma room.

  “I’m sorry,” one of the nurses said, as we reached the doors. “But you can’t go in there. I promise you she is in good hands. Once we have her settled, I will come and get you. But for now, you need to let us help her.”

  “But she’s scared,” I pleaded knowing that I was grasping at straws. “I promised her I would stay with her.”

  “And you can,” she replied, giving me a sad smile. “Once we have her comfortable. But right now, we need you to wait here.”

  “Please!” I begged, knowing I could not stay outside the door, while she was inside, completely terrified. “She is my world.”

  The nurse looked at me for a moment, and I was waiting for her to tell me no. But instead she smiled.

  “Okay, but you can’t get in the way,” she sighed. “No matter what happens.”

  “Okay,” I nodded, giving her a grateful smile.

  Once we were in the room, the medical team began to work on Cassie. She was hooked up to endless amounts of machines, all beating at different times, each monitoring different things.

  There were so many people running around, it was hard to make sense of what exactly was going on. So, I did the only thing I could think to do. I reached for Cassie’s hand, and focused on her.

  “You’re going to be okay,” I assured her once again. “You have to be. You promised you’d come back to the beach with me. I plan on holding you to that.”

  I was rewarded with a smile from beneath the oxygen mask, but then suddenly she gripped my hand, as she pinched her eyes closed as she cried out in pain.

  “What’s wrong with her?” I asked, feeling like I was about to come apart at the seams myself. “Please, you have to help her.”

  “Cassie,” Doctor Bridges said as she seemed to appear from nowhere. The moment I saw her, I felt a little more relieved that someone would help her now. “Can you tell me where it hurts?”

  “My chest,” Cassie gasped, as she continued to squeeze my hand. “I… I can’t… breathe.”

  “We’re going to figure this out, okay,” Doctor Bridges assured Cassie, before she looked up at me, giving me a reassuring smile. “I need some images of her chest. X-rays, spiral CT, angio-CT. I want the works. I also need a new set of bloods drawn, and I want it done now people. Move!”

  Finally, she turned back to me, and gave me a worried smile.

  “Evan, I know you want to be with Cassie right now,” she began, and instantly I knew I wasn’t going to like what was coming next. “But right now, I really need you to go to the family room and wait for us there. You called her father?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded, as suddenly the desire to cry overwhelmed
me.

  “Good,” the doctor continued. “I know this is hard right now, but I need you to go to the family room and wait for her father to arrive. I promise that once I have a clearer picture of what is happening, I will come and talk to you both. I give you my word, I will take very good care of her.”

  “Okay,” I managed to say without crying, before I turned to Cassie. “Cassie, I need to wait outside. I promise, I’m going nowhere, but I need to let the doctors help you. But I will be right outside that door the whole time. I give you my word.”

  She nodded, but I knew she was beyond terrified.

  I leaned down and softly kissed her forehead, before I reluctantly turned and walked towards the door, my heart breaking in two.

  “The family room is at the end of the hall,” a nurse that followed me out of the room said, pointing down the corridor. “It’s the last room on the left.”

  “I’m good here,” I said, leaning back against the wall. “I told her I was waiting right here. Please don’t make me break my promise.”

  “You can’t get in the way, okay,” she said, giving me a smile, before she turned and headed back into the room.

  I stood there for a moment, my mind racing with so many thoughts. I didn’t know exactly what was wrong with her, but I did know that I was not ready to lose her; not yet.

  Suddenly, my legs buckled beneath me, sending me crashing to the ground. I buried my face in my hands and let go of my grief, my heart breaking into a million pieces.

  Ten minutes later, Will’s voice pulled me from my little cocoon on the floor. I looked up and immediately I spotted him standing at the nurse’s station.

  “Will!” I called out as I pushed up from the floor. Will quickly turned around, and the moment he saw me, he closed the distance between me and him.

  “Evan,” he said giving me a look that said he was probably just as terrified as I was. “What’s happened?”

  “She was asleep,” I began, trying to keep my emotions in check. “Then she woke up and said she was cold, but she was burning up. Then suddenly she couldn’t breathe, so they rushed her down here. The nurse said they think it could be pneumonia, but that they would have to run tests to confirm. Doctor Bridges is with her now.”