“Hey, Cassie,” the girl, whose name was Tess, said brightly as she stuck the digital thermometer into my ear to check my temp, before she then checked my pulse, then listened to my heart, before she finally continued. “How are you feeling this evening?”
“I’m good,” I replied, forcing myself to smile at her. She looked at me for a moment, as if she sensed something wasn’t right with me. I was relieved when she didn’t push me for more.
“Well,” she replied, giving me another broad smile. “Your vitals are all perfect. So, I will leave you to get a good night’s sleep.”
She turned and looked at Evan, who was once more, looking out the window at the street below.
“Are you staying with us again tonight, Evan?” She asked, watching him closely, and I knew she could tell he was upset too.
“Yep,” he replied, as he turned and gave her a broad smile. “There is nowhere else I would want to be.”
“Well,” she said as she picked up my file from the bed and turned towards the door. “If you guys need anything, I will be out at the nurse’s station.”
She gave me another smile before she vanished out the door once more.
I released a long breath before I looked over at Evan, who was now just watching me, looking like he’d no clue what to say or do now.
“Maybe we should get some rest,” he said as he grabbed his bag from the chair in the room. “I think I am going to change into something a little more comfortable.”
“Okay,” I nodded as I watched him walk to the little bathroom that was off to the side of my room and disappear inside.
Once I was alone, I slid down in my bed, pulling my covers over me once more, before I turned on my side, burying my face in my pillow.
I hated this disease. I hated that I was stuck here in this damn bed. I hated that this might be how I get to spend the last few weeks of my life. This is all I will have.
If the transplant didn’t work or if I reacted badly to the radiation or chemo treatment, I might never get to leave this hospital again. I could die right here, and I will never get to live the life I want so much to have. I want to go back to the beach, I wanted to go surfing once more, I wanted to play that beautiful piano once more, and I want, more than anything else in this world, to make love to Evan one more time.
Suddenly I felt completely overcome, as tears stung my eyes. I pinched my eyes closed, and silently cried.
Suddenly, the door to the bathroom opened and Evan came back into the room. I knew he would want to know why I was crying, but right at that moment, I didn’t have the words to explain just how I was feeling.
So, I did the only thing I could think to do. I pretended I was asleep already.
“Cass,” Evan whispered as he walked quietly towards the bed. As hard as it was not to, I didn’t move a muscle, nor did I say a word. Instead, I just lay there, pretending to be asleep.
He moved closer to the bed and stopped.
“Cassie,” he whispered once more, this time quieter than the last time. “Are you sleeping?”
Again, I didn’t respond.
I had expected him to just go to the chair, but he didn’t. Instead, he climbed up onto the bed behind me and lay down, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me closer to him.
“Cass, I’ve got you,” he whispered, and I realised he knew I was upset. “I love you.”
I didn’t speak. Instead, I just pinched my eyes tighter and continued to silently cry until the tear’s gave way to exhaustion, and sleep claimed me.
Chapter 20
Evan
I lay on the bed next to Cassie and stared up at the ceiling. I felt beyond exhausted, but sleep refused to come.
I’d held Cassie long after she had fallen asleep, afraid that if I let her go, she would wake up and cry once more.
I knew that she wasn’t sleeping when I left the bathroom. I’d spend enough time next to her as she slept to be able to tell the difference. Just like I also knew she was crying, but something deep down told me not to push her.
I had no idea what had upset her so badly, but the fact she was pretending to be asleep told me that whatever it was, she wasn’t ready to talk about it.
So, I did the only thing I could think of doing. I climbed onto the bed and held her as close to me as I could
When her breathing grew slower and shallower, I knew she was finally asleep, but still I didn’t let her go. Instead, I just held her, needing her closeness as much as I was offering her comfort.
I finally fell asleep, my head a mess of thoughts.
I woke with a start, surprised I was still asleep on the side of Cassie’s bed. I slowly pushed up, and that’s when I spotted Tess, the nurse standing at the bottom of the bed.
“Sorry,” she whispered, giving me an apologetic smile. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“It’s cool,” I croaked as I glanced down at Cassie, who was still fast asleep. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep next to her.”
“It’s okay” Tess smiled. “Sometimes you just need that closeness. I get it.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I shrugged before I climbed up from the bed. “But she needs proper rest, so I’m better off in the chair, giving her a little space.”
She smiled but she didn’t say anything for a moment, but I knew there was more she wanted to say, she was just unsure if she should say it.
She returned her focus to the chart as I took my seat in the armchair next to Cassie’s bed. I looked down at my watch and saw that it was a little after three o’clock in the morning.
“Cassie didn’t seem herself tonight,” Tess finally said, looking up from the chart once more. “She seemed a little down.”
“Yeah,” I sighed, not really sure if I should elaborate or not. “I guess she did.”
“I know it can be hard,” she continued, not waiting for me to speak again. “On the families I mean. It’s hard to keep their spirits up.”
“I guess so,” I replied, not really knowing what else I was supposed to say. “I just wish I knew what was going on inside her head.”
“You just need to be patient with her,” Tess continued, giving me a warm smile. “Give her a little time. She’ll talk to you when she’s ready.”
“I will,” I replied, giving her a smile. “I will give her all the time in the world, because I’m going nowhere.”
“She’s lucky to have you,” Tess added, giving me another smile as she made a note of Cassie’s vitals. “Anyway, I will leave you to get some sleep.”
“Thank you, Tess,” I said, giving her a grateful smile before she left the room, leaving me alone with Cassie once more. I sat there in the chair and watched her once more until my eyes grew heavy and I could fight sleep no longer.
I woke slowly, stretching out on the chair as every muscle in my body ached. I groaned as I wished for the millionth time, I had a proper bed to sleep in.
I rubbed the tiredness from my eyes, before I opened them and instantly found Cassie’s emerald eyes staring back at me. I gave her a sleepy smile as I stretched out my arms, but she made no effort to smile back.
“Good morning,” I croaked as I sat forward in my seat, giving her a worried look. “How are you feeling this morning?”
“Okay,” she shrugged without lifting her head off the pillow. I didn’t know why, but I could feel something had changed in her. The strength and determination that had been in her eyes for the last few weeks seemed to have suddenly vanished. Now, the only thing that was looking back at me was complete and utter sadness. Something in her eyes scared me. Like she had lost her fight. She looked almost like she’d given up.
“Cass,” I whispered as I rose slowly from my chair, then walked to the bed, sitting on the edge. “Is everything okay?”
“Why wouldn’t it be,” she replied, but her tone of voice surprised me. It was cold and disconnected, almost like it had been the morning she realised her hair was falling out, and she freaked out at me.
“I don’t know,
” I said looking directly into her eyes. “Maybe you could tell me.”
“There’s nothing to tell,” she said making no effort to move in the bed.
Before I could say another word, the orderly came in with her breakfast and set it down on the table, before he disappeared back out the door, leaving us alone once more.
I watched her for a moment, waiting for her to push up in bed and eat her meal, but she didn’t move a muscle.
“Cassie,” I said, still watching her closely. “Please, don’t shut me out. I know something is wrong, just talk to me.”
“I’m not shutting you out,” she said as her eyes suddenly glistened with unshed tears. “I’m just tired.
She closed her eyes, and turned over in bed, without saying another word, leaving me sitting there, having no clue what to say or do next.
As the day went on, Cassie seemed to have shut down completely. She refused to eat anything and had barely said more than two words. I could even see the nurses were beginning to become concerned.
While she was sleeping once again, I left her room and headed outside to get a little fresh air and took the opportunity to call Will. I knew he was going to freak out, but I really didn’t know what else to do.
“I’m coming straight up there,” he said the moment I told him what was going on with Cassie.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said, knowing that this would be the last thing Cassie needed right at that moment. “I’m just calling you to let you know what was going on, but if you drive down here today, she is just going to dig her heels in more. You know what she’s like.”
“Evan, if something is wrong with Cass,” Will sighed, and I knew he was determined to drive back to LA today. “Then I need to be down there with her.”
“There is nothing wrong with her physically,” I assured him. “Whatever it is, is something in her head. I know I can get her to talk to me. Just give me the chance. If by this evening there is no change, then I will call you and you can drive down.”
“Okay,” he sighed, sounding less than convinced. “But I’m coming back up there tomorrow no matter what. In the meantime, I want you to promise me. If anything changes with her, you will call me immediately.”
“I promise,” I assured him, before I said my goodbyes and headed back into the hospital.
When I got back to Cassie’s room, I wasn’t surprised that she was still sleeping. It was like she was escaping into a dream world and didn’t want to wake up.
I took my seat once more, knowing that there was nothing else I could do until she woke up. I was sitting there for about thirty minutes when I looked up from the newspaper the nurse had brought me to read, to find Cassie staring back at me.
“Hey,” I said, as I immediately closed the newspaper and set it down. “You’re awake again.”
She stared at me, but she didn’t say a word.
“Cassie,” I said, sighing as I pulled my chair closer. “You’re scaring me. I need you to talk to me. Please tell me what is going on inside your head.”
She stared at me, but she didn’t make a single sound.
“Cass,” I pushed, feeling completely desperate to reach her. “You can ignore me all you like, but I’m going nowhere. I am not walking away this time. So, you can choose not to talk if that’s what you want, but that isn’t going to change anything for me. I love you and I will not let you push me away this time.”
She opened her mouth to speak, before she could say a word, there was a knock on the door, and I looked up to find Doctor Altman standing in the doorway.
Part of me was relieved, but part of me wished that he’d waited just a few moments longer because I was sure she was about to open up and let me inside whatever was going on in her head.
“Good afternoon, Cassie,” the doctor said as he came further into the room. “How are you feeling today?”
I watched Cassie, waiting for her to react, but she made no effort to turn to face the doctor, much less reply to his question.
Doctor Altman glanced at me, giving me a questioning look, and I just shrugged my shoulders, confirming I had no idea what was going on with her.
“Cassie,” he said, walking to the bed, sitting down on the edge. “The nurses said that they are a little worried about you. They said you weren’t eating and that you seem to be a little bit down today.”
Again, she didn’t make any effort to reply to the doctor.
“Cassie,” he said, and I knew he was worried about her too. I could see it in his face. “I know you have been through a lot and things are very scary, but if we are going to start this treatment next week, I need you to…”
“I’m not getting the treatment,” she said suddenly, stopping him mid-sentence. “I want to go home.”
“Cass,” I said, completely stunned by what she had just said. I had no idea where this came from but I sure as hell wasn’t going to stand by and watch her give up. “I want you to come home too. But you know you can’t just leave. You can’t give up now.”
“I don’t want to die in here,” she whispered, looking up at me as tears danced in her eyes. “I don’t want the last time we were at the beach to be the only memory I have. I want just to go home. Why can’t I just go home?”
“Cassie,” Doctor Altman said, his voice soft and kind. “I know you’re scared. Just like I know that we have no clue how you’re feeling inside. If you want to go home, you’re a grown-up, there is no one who can actually stop you from leaving. But I know you, and I know you’re no quitter. You have fought so hard until now. Why would you want to give up now?”
Cassie finally looked up at the doctor, as tears began to trickle down her face.
“Cass, we’re so close to starting this treatment,” he continued, reaching for her hand. “Monday morning, we will take you down, and put a port into your chest. Then we start your chemo once more, a week after that, we will start the radiation treatment. Before you know it, it will be time for the transplant, and then, hopefully, in a few weeks, we can start looking towards the future again.”
“But what if I don’t want it,” she sniffed through her tears. “What if I don’t want to sit here and wait for you to pump poison into my body because you think you might be able to cure me?”
“What if you didn’t have to?” I said, suddenly having the craziest idea; one I didn’t even know if Doctor Altman would even agree with.
“I don’t understand,” she asked, giving me a confused look. “What do you mean, what if I didn’t have to?”
“Well,” I said, taking a deep breath. Looking from Cassie to Doctor Altman. “You said Cassie’s treatment isn’t due to start until Monday, right?”
“Yes,” Doctor Altman confirmed with a nod.
“Well,” I continued, taking a deep breath. “Her last x-ray said that the pneumonia was almost gone. Her temperature has been normal for days. Considering everything, she’s doing okay, right?”
“She is,” Doctor Altman replied, giving me a smile, and I thought that maybe he knew where I was going with this.
“Okay so,” I said, taking a deep breath. “What if I took her home for the weekend? I would promise to have her back here Sunday night, and I wouldn’t take her anywhere that would put her at risk…”
“I… I could do that?” Cassie asked, and for the first time since she opened her eyes that morning, she didn’t look as hopeless as she had all day.
“Cassie,” Doctor Altman sighed, and for a moment, I thought he was going to flat out refuse to even consider my idea. “Do you have an idea how sick you were last week?”
“I do,” she sighed, giving him a hopeful look. “And I also know how sick I’m going to be next week. But I’m not sick now. Well, not sick, sick.”
“You would be taking a very big risk,” Doctor Altman sighed, but then he gave her a broad smile. “You would have to be very careful. I mean, temperature checks, sticking to your meds when you’re supposed to take them, eating properly, no alcohol. Y
ou couldn’t take any chances.”
“I will make sure she does everything you tell her to do,” I said, suddenly my mind racing. “And if I think that she is even in the slightest bit unwell, I will bring her straight back here. I give you my word.”
The doctor looked at me for a moment, and I knew he was torn as to what he should do for the best.
I also knew when Will found out, he was going to lose his freaking mind, but I would cross that bridge when we reached it.
“If I say yes, I want you back here by six o’clock Sunday evening,” Doctor Altman said, standing up from the bed. “And I want you to check in with me at least once a day.”
“So… so, I can do this?” Cassie asked, her face lighting up for the first time all day, as she sat up in bed.
“Do you promise you’ll come back Sunday?” Doctor Altman asked, giving Cassie a questioning look.
“I promise,” she replied, giving the doctor a broad smile before she gave him a big hug. Then she looked at me and her smile widened. “Oh my, God. I can’t believe I can really do this.”
I smiled to myself, knowing that even for a short time, I had made her happy again.
“Have you both lost your damn minds?” Will asked as he stood in the doorway of Cassie’s bedroom, watching us as I helped Cassie pack a bag. “What were you even thinking just leaving the hospital? And now you want to go to the beach? Cassie, do you know how insane this is? Evan, why the hell didn’t you call me?”
When Doctor Altman left the room, the first thing Cassie asked was if we could go back to the beach house. If I was honest, I knew it was where she would want to go, and part of me wanted to go there too. The other part was completely terrified I’d bitten off more than I can chew, but if it made Cassie happy, I would make it work.
So, I called my dad, and after a lot of convincing, he agreed to make a call.
“Daddy,” Cassie said as she sat down on her bed and looked at her father. “I know you don’t get it, but I need to do this. When I go back to the hospital, I don’t know when I’m going to be allowed to leave again.”
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