by Cee Perkins
So I kicked. I punched, I screamed, I cried, I scratched, I pulled, until Salty gave up and put me down, breathing heavily. “I’m not leaving,” I said, and broke into sobs again.
Sarah spoke first. “Corra, don’t you understand? Dan is going to turn you in. The police will come here, arrest you, and take you to jail until you see a judge, then you’re going to prison.”
I looked up at her from the floor, tears still streaming down my face. “At least maybe then I won’t feel like this,” I said softly.
I could see the sympathy in Sarah’s eyes and the disdain in Salty’s. I looked back down at the floor, shook my head, then stood. I walked down the hallway toward my bedroom, where only hours ago, Dan and I were...God, we were making love. And Cay was right, it was so much better when feelings were involved.
I was staring at that bed, the one I knew would hold Dan’s scent, the one that had held us for one life-changing night when Sarah walked in behind me. “Corra? Please consider leaving. I’d rather not see you for a while than see you often, behind bars.”
My head was shaking no before she even finished. I walked over to the bed and lay down on it, wrapping myself in the sheets and inhaling deeply. Dan. No, I wouldn’t be leaving, not even to run for my freedom. I’d spend the last free moments I had with his scent.
Chapter 19
Corra
I’d known Dan would feel that he had to turn me in. That was just my man; upstanding, brave, just. Funny, kind, smart, quirky, anxious…
I didn’t know how long it’d take, though. How long does it take to report something, get an arrest warrant, serve it, and handcuff me? Would Ryan come to question me? However long it was, though, I’d still be here. I knew it was a possibility when I started my career. Should I notify the girls? Would Cay? And would Dan turn Cay in, too, as an accessory? Would Ryan have to arrest Cay?
Oh, Cay. The little chaos gnome who’d been my best friend through all of this. I did miss her, so much. I told her not to let me see her again, and she was doing as I asked. Rationally, I knew if she’d known Dan was here, she wouldn’t have said that. I also knew rationally how hurt she was when she’d realized what she’d done. And yet.
I still blamed her. If she hadn’t busted in my house like that...if she hadn’t been yelling so loudly...if she had waited until she saw me...if she...if she...
So there I was a catatonic lump in the bed, wrapped in the blankets missing my best friend and my Dan. Who knew the emptiness could be so cold? I’d managed to stop crying, but I still wasn’t leaving. I was a big girl, and I’d face up to my bad decisions. Maybe if he saw that I wasn’t taking the coward’s way, that I would take what I deserved, maybe he’d be able to one day look at me, maybe not with hatred...maybe he’d be able to look at me with indifference.
But would that really be better than hatred? Indifference would mean he felt nothing; hatred would indicate some passion, right?
It really didn’t matter how he’d feel since I’d never see him again. The thought shredded my heart all over again. Thinking about my feelings made me understand the disdain I’d seen in Salty’s eyes yesterday. God, was it just yesterday? I could understand why he’d looked at me the way he did— I was risking my future for a man I knew would betray me. Having never been in love, Salty would never understand. I sure as fuck didn’t until I had Dan.
Distantly, I heard my front door open and close. I wished Sarah and Salty would just leave me alone. I’d done everything I could to explain that I wasn’t going anywhere short of interpretive dance. Facing away from the door, I said when the footsteps stopped in front of my door, “I’m not going anywhere, Sarah.”
“You’re certainly more hardheaded than I gave you credit for.” Cay’s voice was small, filled with remorse and apology.
I turned my head and narrowed my eyes. “What are you doing here?”
She looked down at her feet, then up at the ceiling with glassy eyes. “I, um, just wanted to tell you that Dan hasn’t gone to Ryan,” she said, her voice thick.
I rolled back over to face the windows again. “Ok. Glad you get to keep your boyfriend.”
I heard her sniffle, then she said, “I broke it off with him. I, ah, I couldn’t keep him. Not after what I’d done to you and Dan, and then there’s the whole he’s a police sheriff thing. Not exactly smart to be involved with him in my line of work. I should have known better.”
“What, do you want me to feel bad for you?” I said acidly.
“No, Corra, I’d never expect that. Just the fact that you didn’t shoot me—”
“Yet.”
“—yet...is more than I expected.”
I was silent. I had nothing to say to her, despite knowing that she was hurt and feeling like the lowest form of human there was. She should’ve felt that way. But...she’d been there through so much with me. We built our business together, created a solid clientele, and raised how many abused women from weakness? She was still standing in my doorway, sniffling. Without looking at her, I reached behind me and flipped the blanket up, a silent invitation.
I heard her purse drop to the floor and she ran across my room and crawled into bed, wrapping her tiny arms around me and burying her wet face into my shoulder blades. “God, Corra, I can’t even tell you how bad I feel. I swear I’d never hurt you like that. I don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to you.”
Shrugging my shoulders, I just covered her small arm with mine and tangled our fingers, communicating that I— albeit grudgingly— forgave her. Her sob into my back told me she understood. Cay quieted after a while, and we just lay there together, two girls with broken hearts.
“Does Ryan know why you broke it off?” I asked after a while.
“I just told him that I didn’t want to be in a serious relationship.”
“Somehow I don’t think that’s how you phrased it.”
“Oh, no. I think I said something like ‘I don’t want to be tied down to some goody-two-shoes sheriff who doesn’t drink more than one beer at a time and I want to keep sampling other dicks out there.’”
“Harsh.”
“It was. But I had to make him hate me. Otherwise, he would have never let me go, and I don’t deserve someone like him.”
Sighing, I replied, “I didn’t deserve Dan, either. Did you know he volunteers at a shelter on the edge of the city? He takes the dogs out and plays with them for hours.”
“No, I didn’t know,” she said in a small voice.
“Yeah. And his mom is a gambling addict. Was beat up, actually, Wednesday I think.”
I felt Cay tense. “Margo Smith?” she asked, hesitant.
“I believe so...you did it, didn’t you,” I asked.
Cay shook her hand free and rolled to her back, rubbing her hands over her face. Turning to look at her, I saw the remorse covering her face again. “I did,” she whispered.
“We suck at humaning.”
Cay huffed a laugh. “Yeah.” Then she turned to me and said, “I really am sorry, Corra.”
I sighed, then reached for her hand again. “I know. Even if we’re bitches to everyone else, I know you’d never intentionally stab me in the back.”
Her tears welled up again and she shook her head. Then her face crumpled as the tears poured and sobs wracked her. “I miss Ryan so much. I love him, Corra. I want him forever.”
I smiled softly at her, brushing her hair back from her face. “I know how you feel. But I’m hoping that all those people out there are right, and the pain gets easier with time.”
She turned her face into my shoulder and cried hard. I turned to completely face her, then wrapped her up while her heart broke into a million tiny, sharp slivers.
Just like mine was.
Dan
I pounded the treadmill like it had wronged me. I was lost in my head, still fighting over whether to turn Corra in. The other day when I left her place, I’d been so far into arguing with myself, that I didn’t even notice that my body seemed to make up
my mind for me as I’d found myself parked in my driveway. Dr. Amato was at some sort of conference until Thursday, but I’d booked an emergency appointment for when he returned.
I was angry. So angry, in fact, that there were still pictures shattered on my floor from when I slammed my door. Each time I came and went from my house. And I wasn’t entirely sure, but I think I broke a dish or two this morning when I tossed them into the kitchen sink after getting off the phone with Dr. Amato’s secretary.
My routine dictated that I had a small breakfast then worked out for an hour, then went home to clean up and get ready for work. I’d find out when I got home what the damage was.
“Dan!” Ryan’s raised voice caused me to stumble and I almost fell off the treadmill.
“What?” I bit out.
“Whoa, what’s wrong with you?” he asked.
I looked at him, then did a double-take. His eyes had black bags underneath them, his shoulders seemed to slump down to his waist, and his hair was knotted like he’d been pulling sections of it. “What’s wrong with you?” I asked.
His expression fell, his gaze dropping to the floor. “Cay, ah...Cay broke it off the other day.”
Huh? I wasn’t going to rat them out.. .Oh, well, I guessed I’d just made the decision about turning Corra in. “I’m really sorry, Ryan,” I said. “Why?”
He gripped his hair, then ran his fingers through it. “She said...she said she didn’t want to be with a goody-two-shoes and she wanted to keep sleeping with more guys. Like...like I wasn’t enough,” he answered, bitterness coloring his voice.
“I’m so sorry, man. I’m kind of in the same boat, too, I guess.”
He snapped his head up. “Corra broke up with you?”
I looked around at the gym. There weren’t many people there, but...“Do you have time to get coffee? I could use an ear.”
Ryan nodded, “Sure, man. Let’s go.”
“Just let me get my stuff,” I said.
We settled into a booth at the cafe next to the gym. “What happened?” he said, sipping his coffee.
I started with Mom on Thursday, all the way up to Saturday morning, leaving out the illegal parts. That should have been a huge red flag to my mind, the fact that I was keeping secrets from my best friend, as well as the seeming misdirection of my moral compass. Two months ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to tell him everything. Somehow, I just...couldn’t do it to Corra. The thought of telling him caused my gut to cramp violently.
When I finished, he sat back, stunned. “There’s so much in there to talk about. You...and your mom, and...you didn’t...then you…”
I just watched him as everything sank into his mind. He looked like his head was spinning as much as mine was Saturday morning when I drove away from Corra.
“I don’t get why you broke up with her, though.”
Yeah...I hadn’t thought that far. What could I say? “She’s so...think about it, Ryan. How could we have worked? We’re nothing alike. We have nothing in common.”
Ryan stared hard at me. “I thought that would be a good thing for you. Maybe not you becoming just like her, but I thought that being around her would make it easier for you to let go a little. You were...head over heels for her on Wednesday.”
Avoiding his eyes, I looked into my coffee cup, fiddling with the handle. Shrugging my shoulders, I finally answered, “Well...it just became glaringly obvious after Saturday morning, with her,” I cleared my throat, “experience, that we just wouldn’t work.” There, that sounded...plausible?
One look at Ryan told me he hadn’t bought it. He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head. “What’s really going on, Dan?”
Furrowing my brows, I said, “What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re lying to me. You’ve never been very good at it, but you’re epically bad at it right now. Your hands are shaking, you keep licking your lips, and you’re fidgeting. You don’t fidget. What’s going on?”
I shook my head, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I didn’t realize it would be so hard to not tell him something.
“Dan, I’m a police officer. I’ve literally been trained to spot a liar.”
I exhaled and kept my eyes on my cup. I would just not say anything.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me,” he said reassuringly.
I chuckled, “Uh, no, I really can’t.”
“Did Corra make you do something illegal?”
Half a second of mulling it over told me, yes, she did. But I shook my head. “No.”
Ryan sighed heavily. “If you decide you want to talk about it, I’m here.”
Nodding. “I know. It’s just...it doesn’t just involve me and I...I can’t go into detail.” His stare was hard on me again, and I felt it heavily on my bowed head.
“Ok.”
“Thanks. So are you just going to let Cay go?”
He turned his head to look out the window, his face shrouded in misery. “I don’t know what else to do. She doesn’t want me and I can’t change myself. I’ll never have an edge and I think that’s what she’s always looked for in a man. Yeah, I chase bad guys, but I’m not a bad guy.”
I couldn’t say anything to dissuade him. I knew Cay was a bad guy, likely one he’d have to chase one day. As well as Corra. Furrowing my brows again, I asked, “What if...what if you knew someone was a bad guy but couldn’t turn them in? Do you think you could live with yourself?”
Ryan stared out the window another moment, then it was like my question clicked and he snapped his head to look at me. He didn’t speak immediately, though, and what he said shook the foundation of our friendship. “It depends. What factors are included?”
I huffed a laugh. I shouldn’t have been surprised, I guessed, at his answer. I just shook my head, staring at my empty cup again. I checked my watch. “Never mind. I’ve got to get going if I’m going to make it into work. I’ll see you tomorrow night?” I stood, looking at Ryan, who was again looking hard at me.
“Sure.”
I nodded goodbye and left him in the booth. If Ryan, an officer of the law, would hesitate in reporting a crime, I guessed I couldn’t feel too bad. But then I wondered if he was the ethical man I’d always thought he was.
It seemed I couldn’t trust anyone anymore. And it seemed I’d lost parts of me that made me whole.
Chapter 20
Dan
My appointment with Dr. Amato was not going well. I was still in a poor mood, anger still simmering just under my skin. Last night, dinner with Ryan was the most awkward we’d ever been with one another. We barely spoke, both of us played with our food instead of eating it and neither of us finished our beers. Ryan was looking, even more, worse for wear than he did Tuesday morning, and I still had my vow of secrecy, so we were awful company for one another.
And now, now I was sitting in front of the man who told me to take risks and put faith in the other person. He told me to, and I did, and what did I get for my troubles? Now, on top of my anxiety and panic, I’d added blanket mistrust and barely contained rage. If he wouldn’t have sat there and told me to take risks, I would have never gone to Corra’s Friday night and I would have never heard Cay’s words that shattered my reality. Now, I was someone I didn’t recognize.
I’d become the very thing I’d always worked so hard to avoid— like my father. Questionable morals, lying, avoidant behavior...all I needed was the whiskey.
“Dan, what’s going on? My secretary said you were insistent, but you haven’t said anything for fifteen minutes.”
My dam broke. “What’s going on?” I huffed a sarcastic laugh. “Well, let’s see. You told me to take risks and put faith in someone. Well, I did. I...gave something I’d kept for myself to someone else, putting faith in her, and she fucking broke it!” I was breathing heavily, anger lighting up my insides like fire, “You told me to take risks, and put faith in someone, and just like. Every. Other. Experience. I’ve had, I got burned. And now, I don’t even know who I am because
the person that broke my gift also forced me to change my morals, putting another friendship at risk, and makes me think no one— not one damn person— is honorable anymore. What’s wrong? My life is wrong. So now, doc, how do I fix that? I did what you said and it blew my world up.” I had angry tears in my eyes and I was shouting by the last sentence.
Dr. Amato looked surprised for a quick minute, then composed himself. He looked at his desk, tapping his finger on the top, and spoke slowly. “I’m sorry those things have happened to you. Let’s look at them one at a time, ok?”
No, not ok. I stood, anger still coursing through me. “No. I’m done. I tried to fix myself and ended up going backward.” I turned on my heel and stormed to his office door, throwing it open so hard it banged against the wall. His secretary jumped, turned her worried eyes up to me, then glanced behind me. I couldn’t even stop to acknowledge her, I just kept going until I was in my car, headed to who knew where. I just needed to get out of there. I couldn’t go back to work like this, so I did yet another thing I’d never done in my lifetime— I called in sick when I wasn’t. Well, emailed.
I spent the rest of the afternoon just driving. Back roads, highways, city streets...and they all looked the same. When I finally decided to stop, I was four and a half hours away from home, and it was dark. My stomach grumbled, so I pulled in to a McDonald’s and got the first thing I saw. I ate it in my car, not tasting it and not caring if I was dropping crumbs or dripping on my shirt.
So much had changed in such a short time, things about me. I’d thought I’d gone backward in my progress, but I couldn’t find a trace of panic over not knowing where I was, no anxiety over needing clean clothes. In fact, I couldn’t feel anything. My mind was numb. I’d been on autopilot since my epic eruption at Dr. Amato. I’d used profanity, without a second thought. This wasn’t me. The new person I was becoming...he wasn’t someone I particularly liked. I never set out to be so angry, so distrustful.