by Marta Perry
“Yah? I guess the chain store’s the big novelty now. I’d think they’d come back once they’ve tried it. You can’t match the service you get here with any chain store. But even if they don’t, you still have the Leit anyway.”
“Thanks to the bishop.” He tried to sound grateful, but he couldn’t.
Michael looked at him blankly. “The bishop?”
“Yah.” He couldn’t believe Michael’s presence here today was a coincidence. “His sermon practically told people to buy from me.”
“I must have missed something.” Michael honestly looked blank. “I didn’t hear anything about you.”
The truth dawned, leaving Noah feeling foolish. Michael hadn’t gotten the inference, maybe because he hadn’t been back in town all that long.
“Sorry,” he muttered. “Business has been off lately. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Shrugging, Michael picked up another package of knobs and compared them. “When I came back, nobody wanted to do business with me. I figured everyone in the community was looking down on me. But they got over it. Maybe I did, too.”
Michael moved on down the row, comparing various knobs and handles. Noah stood where he was, struck by the words. Michael had experienced the same thing, and it shamed him that he hadn’t even realized it at the time. He of all people should have been sensitive to that in others, and it had passed him without notice.
He’d told himself he was past the damage his father had caused, but the least setback brought it surging back again with all the feelings that came with it...anger, pain, grief and, most of all, the sense that he wasn’t good enough. That if he had been, none of this would have happened to him.
The truth hit him like a blow, stunning him. It was so visceral he nearly stumbled back a step. How could he have been so blind for so long? His father was dead, but as long as he held on to those feelings, the old man still controlled him.
* * *
“THERE NOW, YOU’RE ready for a trip, aren’t you, Princess?” Joanna patted the mare as she led her out of the stall late that afternoon. She wanted to reach the hospital before the supper trays started coming to the rooms.
Maybe Meredith would be well enough this afternoon to talk a little more. Not that she’d be able to discuss the relationship problem, at least not yet. In fact, there was no one she could safely do that with. Aunt Jessie and her parents were too involved, too ready to be hurt by her words. And she couldn’t risk upsetting Meredith by bringing up a subject that could sidetrack her recovery.
How would Meredith react to learning that Joanna was a close relative? The most likely possibility was that she’d known something about it before, and she’d come to River Haven looking for Joanna. If not...
But surely that was the answer. She couldn’t imagine anything else that would bring someone like Meredith to her door.
Well, if she couldn’t talk about it to anyone else, there was always Princess.
“I’ll talk to you, right?” She ran the brush down the mare’s back. “You won’t argue.”
The mare also wouldn’t have any helpful suggestions, but she couldn’t have everything.
“I’ve never known a horse to argue unless you try to go in a direction they’re afraid of.”
Noah spoke from behind her. After a momentary jolt to her heart, she glanced back with a smile.
“No, I guess not. Or if they’re ready to head back to the barn. We used to have a pony that would charge back into the barn no matter what you did.”
“Ponies can be stubborn.” Noah leaned against the stall, his steady gaze seeming to assess her. “It wondered me how you were doing after Jamison’s surprise visit.”
“All right, I guess.” Then she stopped and dropped the brush back in the grooming caddy, realizing that this was what she’d wanted—someone to talk to. “Well, not really.”
“I thought not.” He ran his hand down the mare’s neck, his thoughts obviously elsewhere. “It was a shock to see it in black-and-white, even if you’d thought it possible.”
She stared down at the caddy, not really seeing it. “I keep trying to think it through and make sense of it. I can’t talk to Aunt Jessie or my folks about it, at least not right now. They’d be too upset.”
Noah shrugged. “They might be stronger than you think. They must have understood the possibility all along.”
“That’s different from having it in front of you to deal with,” she pointed out. Easy enough to dismiss it lightly when it wasn’t your family.
“Yah, I guess so. You probably never thought much about your birth mother when you thought it was a distant cousin. That kept it in the family, yah? But finding your mother was an Englischer—that’s something different.”
He’d hit it exactly, and his calm acceptance somehow made it easier to talk about.
“I just can’t figure out how it happened. I mean, Meredith is obviously from a well-off family. People like that—they surely just don’t lose track of a baby.”
“Not unless...” He let that trail off.
She frowned at him. “Not unless what? If you have an idea, I’d like to hear it.”
“I was going to say, not unless they wanted to. But I don’t see how that could be. Do you know anything about Meredith’s family?”
The question startled her. It also made her think. “Not very much. That’s odd, isn’t it? Since she’s been identified, Chief Jamison must have found out something about her life, but he hasn’t said much. I wonder why.”
Noah shifted his weight from one foot to the other as if getting ready for something. “Would there be some reason for him to keep quiet?”
“Not that I can think of. He was certainly sure eager for me to have a look at that cousin who came here with the attorney.”
“She must have nearer kin than that.” Noah’s voice expressed disbelief, and she felt it herself. Most Amish had more relatives than they could count.
“I’d think so, too. Where are her parents? Or brothers and sisters?”
Noah’s lips twitched. “Most Englisch aren’t so well supplied with brothers as we are.”
She had to smile in return. Having all those younger brothers made a link between them, she guessed.
“True, but it’s still puzzling.”
“Since she’s doing better, maybe you could ask her.” He nodded toward the horse and buggy. “I’m guessing that’s where you’re headed.”
She nodded, reaching for the harness, but he beat her to it. She stood back and let him settle it on the mare’s back.
“I’ve been afraid to ask her anything that might cause a setback. I mean, if she tried to remember and couldn’t, would it be bad for her? Still, I guess I might try to bring it up if she seems better today.”
Putting that idea away for later, she glanced at him as they put the harness on together, one on each side. She thought he looked as if his worries had been lifted a bit.
“Was business any better today?”
He was focused on the harness buckle, and for a moment he didn’t respond.
“Yah, it was,” he said finally. “Partly because of your father’s teaching, I’m thinking. Joanna, I’m sorry.” His voice roughened with emotion, making her own throat tighten. “I overreacted to hearing what he said, and I blurted it out to you. I shouldn’t have.”
“Which?” She tried to keep her voice light, afraid to give in to the emotion she felt. “Overreact, or blame me?”
“Both,” he admitted. He frowned. “Still, it made me think. If I’d really grown out of my shame about my father, I guess I wouldn’t be so sure that everyone is looking down on me, ain’t so? Maybe we don’t know ourselves as well as we think we do.”
A few days ago she’d have answered differently than she did today, when she wasn’t quite so sure of herself. “I guess it’s the same for me, or e
lse why do I dread so much the circumstances of my adoption becoming known? It seems like it puts me apart from the community I love, like a wall between us.”
“Yah. I know,” he said quietly.
Joanna stood looking at him for another moment, and it seemed that genuine understanding moved between them. Before it could change to something else, she picked up the lines.
“I’d best get moving. I’m going out to the farm to see how Mamm is after I leave the hospital.”
Noah gave her a hand to the seat and looked up at her, his face serious. “I don’t like the idea of you driving back alone after dark. Can’t you postpone going out in the evening until someone can go with you? Or, better yet, hire a driver?”
She’d been thinking that herself, but it made her feel childish to admit it. “I’d feel so silly doing that. Don’t worry. I’m used to the drive, and it’s not very long.” She lifted the lines.
“Be careful.” He stepped back. “And if you’re not back at a reasonable time, I’ll come looking for you.”
Smiling at what she was sure was a joke, she waved and set out. That conversation with Noah had been easier than some of their encounters recently. It was good to think they could just talk, without that fierce tug of emotion flaring up between them. Wasn’t it? Still, she couldn’t deny that it had been there, beneath the surface, threading itself through every word they spoke.
There wasn’t much traffic on Main Street, and Joanna arrived at the hospital in a few minutes. Leaving Princess in the buggy parking area, she hurried inside.
When she stepped off the elevator, the first person she saw was Mary Ellen.
“Have you heard the latest?” Mary Ellen fell into step with her. “Our patient is sitting up in a chair and remembering more. The doctor is so pleased.”
“Thank the good Lord.” Joanna matched the words with a prayer. “I’m wonderful glad to hear it.”
“And some other relatives are coming to see her. They’re supposed to be here tomorrow morning, and I certainly hope they’re better than the last batch.”
Joanna had to suppress a laugh at Mary Ellen’s outspokenness. “Only one of those was a relative—a distant cousin. The other was her family’s attorney.”
“Imagine being rich enough to have a family attorney. We certainly don’t have any use for one.” Mary Ellen left her at the door to the room. “Have a good visit.”
As soon as she stepped inside, she knew that Meredith had improved. She was sitting up in a chair, her long hair pulled back in a hair tie, looking at a flower arrangement on her bedside table.
“Joanna.” She smiled. “I do remember your name.”
“Wonderful.” Joanna skirted the bed and pulled over a chair so that she sat facing her. “You look so much better. You even have color in your cheeks.”
Meredith grimaced. “I’d look better with some lipstick. I don’t suppose you have... No, I guess you wouldn’t.”
“I don’t have any need for it, but I’ll ask Mary Ellen to bring you some. She’ll be glad to.” It had to be a sign of improvement that Meredith was thinking of her appearance.
“Will you look at the card on the flowers? I can’t make it out.”
“Of course.” Joanna leaned across and pulled out the card, which was hidden behind a large chrysanthemum. “‘Best Wishes, Tom Watson.’”
“Tom.” She frowned. “It seems familiar. Why can’t I remember? It’s so stupid.” She slapped her hand against her forehead as if that would force her brain to work.
“It’s all right.” Alarmed, Joanna caught her hand, wondering. She hadn’t thought it odd that Meredith didn’t say much when she first woke up, but this made it seem she had problems with her memory. Still, a blow to the head could affect that memory, she’d heard. Surely, the doctors would be aware. The important thing seemed to be to reassure Meredith.
“Don’t fret so much. It’s coming back to you every day, ain’t so? You remember more than yesterday.”
“You’re right—I do, don’t I?” The tension went out of her face, making her look younger.
She was younger, Joanna realized. Meredith was likely in her early twenties. Joanna hadn’t even thought of her age before, but realizing it raised again the question of why she seemed so without family.
Meredith was still focusing on the card. “But who is he? Do you know?”
“He came to see you. From Philadelphia.” She fed the information in slowly, giving Meredith time to remember what she could. “Tom Watson is a lawyer. He said he worked for your family.”
Meredith shrugged as if trying to dismiss it. “The name seems familiar, but that’s all.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it. Just concentrate on getting better. The rest will come.” She hoped anyway. What must it be like not to remember whole segments of your life? Her problem was what she hadn’t known, not what she hadn’t remembered.
Meredith’s eyes sparkled suddenly. “Maybe there are some things I don’t want to remember. Don’t you have anything like that?”
Heartened at the flash of humor, Joanna smiled back. “Well, maybe. A few embarrassing moments with boys when I was in my teens.”
A spark of interest lit Meredith’s face. “You’re Amish, right? Do you go on dates?”
Not recently, she wanted to say. “You could call it that, but probably not what you’re used to. Planning to meet a certain boy at a picnic, or a volleyball game.”
Or riding home from a singing with a special boy. She’d done that a few times, but there’d never been anyone she’d liked enough to give up her independence for. “What about you?” She turned the question back to Meredith, again wondering what she remembered of her life.
“Oh, sure. But...” She looked troubled. “I don’t think I remember anyone special.”
Joanna wanted to soothe away the trouble. “Maybe you haven’t met him yet. There’s plenty of time, ain’t so?”
“I guess.” She rubbed her forehead. “I should remember, though. Shouldn’t I?”
The lost look in her eyes seemed to grab Joanna’s heart and twist it. “You’re tired, that’s all. You’ve had quite a week. It will come back soon, I promise.”
Could she promise that? She probably shouldn’t have said it, but somehow, she had to encourage Meredith.
Mary Ellen swished through the door in time to hear the last few words. “No worrying allowed,” she said with a warning look at Joanna. “The doctor is on her way down the hall to check on our patient, and I can hear the supper carts coming up. Joanna will come back.”
“For sure I will.”
Joanna stood, and after a momentary pause she bent and pressed her cheek against Meredith’s. Her cousin, maybe? A relative, at any rate. Close enough to warrant a hug.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Meredith smiled, but Joanna could see her drooping as if the tiredness had set in. “Tomorrow,” she said.
Joanna had almost reached the door when Meredith murmured a few more words. “You look just like I thought you would.”
She stopped, shaken, not sure she’d heard correctly. She started to turn back, but the door opened to let in the doctor, and she had to go on out.
But she couldn’t rid herself of what she thought she’d heard. Did Meredith mean she’d known something about Joanna before her injury, as they’d speculated? Or just that she unconsciously formed a picture of her from hearing Joanna’s voice coaxing her to consciousness? Of course, if she’d come looking for Joanna, that made sense, but they didn’t know that for sure. Maybe she should have asked that question, but her instincts said to go slowly.
Nodding to the auxiliary policeman who’d been pressed into duty and sat on a folding chair by the door, Joanna went slowly on her way. If she hadn’t promised Mamm she’d come to supper, she’d be tempted to try to talk to Meredith again, tired or not.
/>
Pulling into the lane at the farm, Joanna spotted her youngest brother, Zeb, racing Isaac to reach her first. Zeb grabbed the mare’s headstall and elbowed off his brother.
“Get off. I got here first.”
“So what. I’m here, too.”
“Knock it off, the two of you.” She jumped down. “You’re not usually so eager to be helpful.”
The two of them exchanged looks. “We want to ask you something,” Isaac said.
“I got here first, so I get to ask her.” Zeb was tenacious, glaring at his brother.
“Okay, so ask.” Isaac glared back, and Joanna suppressed a laugh.
“What is it, Zeb?” If she didn’t interrupt, they’d be out here all night.
“So we were thinking, if you’re adopted, like Daadi says, are you still our sister?”
The smile froze on her face for a split second, and then she reached out and grabbed each of them in a hug. “That’s certain sure, and don’t you forget it. You can’t get rid of a big sister that easily.”
“Okay.” They had identical smiles. Peace restored, they both led Princess to the hitching rail.
Feeling as if she were shaking internally, Joanna headed inside. Where had that come from? She’d never thought much about being adopted in the past, and as far as she could remember, none of the boys had shown any curiosity about it. Were they overhearing things from Mamm and Daad? Or worse, had rumors started flying around the church? People would know, eventually, but she’d rather not face a lot of curiosity just now. And if it became known that Daad and Mamm had just kept her, what would happen to them? That didn’t bear thinking about.
Should she say something to Daad? She rejected the idea after a moment’s thought. She’d reassured the boys, and probably they wouldn’t mention it again.
It seemed that Mamm and Daad were as eager as she was to keep things normal...or at least, as normal as possible. She got Mamm onto the subject of Cathy’s wedding, and that kept Mamm happy throughout the meal. Other than insisting she check Joanna’s fading bruises, nothing was said about problems or Meredith or any possible relationship.