‘Yes?’
I inhale and blow the air out again.
Just say it, Beth.
‘Look, this is probably completely off the wall, but … it’s not you, is it? It’s just that you’ve been acting really, well, strangely recently, ever since Alison arrived. You looked so shocked when you first met her, and then you were so quiet when you came round, just not yourself, and, well, it just made me think …’
She clasps her hands to her mouth again, and my stomach lurches.
‘Oh, Beth, I’m so sorry … Brenda?’
She looks at Brenda, who nods.
‘Better tell her, quickly!’
My heart has started to pound.
‘Tell me what? You’re not … are you?’
‘No! No, Beth. I found a lump. In my breast. I should have told you ages ago, but first I didn’t want to spoil your reunion with your mother, and then after we fell out … I was so scared, you see. My mother died from breast cancer and that should have made me go and get it checked immediately, but instead I did exactly the opposite. I was so frightened it was cancer that I buried my head in the sand and I didn’t tell anyone. But it was eating me up, the fear and the worry, and that’s why I was so distracted. I wasn’t myself for weeks …’
She’s standing up now, looking flushed and agitated.
‘Oh no, I’m so sorry, so sorry. And what now? Are you … are you OK?’
She sighs and nods.
‘I am. I finally told Brenda and she made me face it – even came with me to the doctor. It was just a cyst in the end; I’m absolutely fine. But, oh Beth, I’m so sorry that I made you think … Well, I’m just so sorry.’
A tumult of emotions washes over me but it’s mainly relief that my friend is OK. I swallow and try to smile.
‘That’s all right. And I’m so glad for you. That’s great news.’
‘Oh, Beth. What a big mess, eh?’
She takes a step closer. Her eyes are soft and she cups her hands gently around my face.
‘My darling girl, I never had children. But if I had, I’d have loved to have one just like you.’
I touch my hands to hers, and I know I’m about to cry, and also that it doesn’t really matter if I do. I’m safe here.
‘You’re not my mother. One down,’ I whisper, and she smiles and shakes her head.
‘And I’m not either, just for the record,’ says Brenda. ‘Two down then. Who’s next, Beth?’
Chapter 42
Next is the surgery and I get there mid-afternoon; the sun is warm on my bare arms as I pause outside the front door, bracing myself and wondering if I should have dressed more smartly. I’m just wearing jeans and a T-shirt, but it’s too late now. I grit my teeth and push the door open, stopping at reception to ask Ruth if there’s any chance I can speak to her and Deborah – ideally together – at some point in the next couple of hours.
‘It’s important. Really, really important,’ I say, and she nods, looking alarmed.
‘OK. I can make it happen,’ she says, and I thank her and head for Gabby’s room.
‘You look better, Beth,’ is the first thing she says to me, which surprises me. I’ve barely looked in a mirror since Friday night.
‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘Gabby, I have some stuff to tell you. And I’m desperately hoping that when I do, you’ll let me come back to work. But there’s something … well, there’s something you need to know, something I never told you, which may have an impact on that, and … oh gosh, I’m really nervous, I’m sorry.’
She looks intrigued.
‘Okaaaay,’ she says slowly. ‘Well, take a deep breath, and just tell me, OK? I’m listening.’
And so I begin. As everyone has so far, she looks more and more dumbfounded as I tell the story, and when I tell her about Alison’s reason for hunting me down in the first place, her eyes fill with tears.
‘That’s … that’s horrendous. I’m so sorry that happened, Beth. For Lucy, and for her mother, and her whole family. But for you too. To know that what you did had such terrible consequences, well …’
I swallow hard. This was what I’d feared the most about telling Gabby: that she and the other partners would feel they didn’t want me working here anymore, that they couldn’t countenance employing someone with such a dark, evil stain on her character. I wouldn’t blame them, of course, and so I sit and wait, watching her, feeling sick as she wipes her eyes and turns back to look at me, her eyes boring into mine.
‘I think you’ve paid for it though, haven’t you, Beth?’ she says quietly. ‘Not just recently with everything Alison put you through. But I’m guessing you’ve been paying for this your whole life, in here.’
She taps the side of her head, and the tears do come now, rolling down my cheeks as I nod.
‘I’ve felt guilty every single day since,’ I whisper.
‘OK,’ she says. ‘I’m going to think about how we move forward with this. Is there any more you need to tell me?’
I sniff.
‘There is, actually,’ I say. I start talking again, and when I get to the bit about my biological mother she actually leaps from her chair.
‘What? Are you serious?’
I shrug.
‘I can’t quite believe it myself, but yes, apparently.’
‘But … how? Beth, I’m flabbergasted. I don’t even know what to say. And you’re now trying to work out who it is? I can’t believe Alison wouldn’t tell you. Gosh, I have so many questions!’
She’s walking backwards and forwards across the narrow space behind her desk now, shaking her head in wonderment.
‘Not half as many as I have, I promise you,’ I say, and she stops pacing and laughs.
‘I’m sure. So you want to come back to work? I’ll need to talk to the others about it, Beth. But I think it’ll be OK. The past is another country, isn’t it, or whatever the phrase is. I think it’s time you tried to put it all behind you, and if you can do that, I think we can too. If you’re sure you’re up to it?’
‘Oh Gabby, thank you so much.’
I feel weak with relief.
‘Thank you,’ I say again. ‘And I am up to it, I really am. All of the things that happened, well, it was all her, wasn’t it? OK, so I was drinking too much, and I can’t blame her for that; that was all me unfortunately – a bad way of coping with everything that was going on. But I’ve knocked that on the head now, Gabby, I promise. I’m feeling good, and I want to come back, if you’ll have me. But maybe next Monday? That’d give me a week to try to get to the bottom of this mother mystery.’
She plants both hands on her desk and leans across it, looking at me silently for a few seconds. Then she smiles.
‘Of course. As I said, I’ll need to clear it with the others. But we’ve missed you. I’ll give the temp who’s been covering a week’s notice. Beth, you don’t think it’s anyone here, do you? Your real mother? You’re close to Ruth, aren’t you? And Deborah? Alison had met both of them more than once, hadn’t she?’
I stand up.
‘Maybe. I don’t know. That’s my next job, actually. I’m going to go and talk to them now.’
She lets out a low whistle.
‘Wow. Keep me posted, OK?’
‘I will.’
I have to wait half an hour until Ruth and Deborah are free, so I go to the staffroom, grateful to find it empty, and make a mug of tea. I sit at the table and sip slowly, trying to stay calm, but I’m too nervous, too agitated, to sit still for long, and when Ruth finally pops her head round the door to say they’re both ready, and that maybe we’d have more privacy in Deborah’s room, I’m hopping from foot to foot and simmering with nervous tension.
‘Do you need the loo?’ Ruth says with a sidelong glance, as we leave the room. I shake my head.
‘No. I’m just a bit anxious. You’ll see why in a minute,’ I say.
‘Blimey. OK, come on then,’ she says, and seconds later we’re in Deborah’s cosy little consulting room, just bi
g enough for her small desk, a filing cabinet, and a treatment bed. There’s only one spare chair so I tell Ruth to take that and I perch on the bed, its paper covering rustling as I sit down.
‘Right,’ I say. ‘Here we go.’
And I tell my story again, watching both faces carefully. I’m used to the reaction now. When I reach the part about Lucy, again starting to feel ill, Ruth visibly recoils.
‘Beth … wow. That’s a bit of a curve ball.’
‘I know. I’m so sorry. It was such a long time ago … I’m not making excuses; I was a vile kid back then. I’ve never forgiven myself, and now, well …’
I look from Ruth to Deborah. They both look shocked, and who can blame them?
‘I just thought it was time to come clean with everyone. I’ve kept the secret for so many years,’ I say. ‘Maybe Alison did me a favour. Now you all know and you can decide whether you can still stand to be around me or not.’
There’s a long silence, broken only by a ping from Deborah’s computer – an email notification. She glances at the screen then turns to me.
‘Well, I can’t speak for Ruth, but the Beth I know is very different to what you’ve just described. You’re kind and thoughtful and loving, and I for one am happy to leave the past in the past. Ruth?’
Ruth looks intently at Deborah, then gives me the thumbs-up sign.
‘Me too. All good, babes.’
I exhale – I’ve been holding my breath, seemingly without realising it – and bury my face in my hands.
‘Thank you,’ I mumble. ‘Thank you so much.’
I sit there for a few seconds, relief washing over me again, then sit up straight.
‘There’s more, I’m afraid,’ I say.
‘Oh, bloody hell,’ says Ruth.
And off I go again. This time, I don’t even have to ask the question.
‘Well, it’s not me!’ Ruth explodes. ‘Good grief, woman, you can’t really think one of us is your mum? I mean, we’re both turning sixty this year, but that’s about the only … I mean, how would that even have worked? We made up a whole new identity, and coincidentally both worked in the same field as you do? And then found out where you were working and deliberately got a job in the same practice, just to be close to you? And just didn’t bother saying anything? That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. And working in this place, I’ve heard plenty of crazy things, let me tell you.’
‘I know, I know! It sounds mad to me too, trust me. But Alison says she’s one of my friends, someone I know. And only a few of you have been in the house recently, so …’
I shrug.
‘Deb?’ I say. She laughs.
‘No! Of course not. Beth, this is insane!’
‘OK, so why …’ I hesitate, but I have to ask. ‘Why have you been acting so oddly then, since Alison appeared on the scene? You’ve been so quiet and distracted. More than once you two stopped talking suddenly when I came into the room. And that day we went for lunch, for example, you barely spoke. I feel like you’ve been avoiding me, and …’
Deborah’s cheeks have been flushing red as I speak, and now she looks down at her hands which are tightly clasped in her lap.
‘Tell her, Deb,’ says Ruth gently, and my heart sinks.
Now what? Is she sick too?
‘Do I have to?’ she replies, not looking up.
‘I think you do really,’ Ruth says, and Deborah sighs heavily.
‘OK,’ she says. She sighs again and lifts her head.
‘Beth, I didn’t want to tell you this, partly because I was ashamed and partly because, well, I know we’re close and all that but at the same time, you’re the practice manager and I didn’t want to put you in an awkward position. If you knew, you might feel you had no choice but to tell the doctors and then my job would probably have been in jeopardy. So I didn’t confide in you, and now, well … oh, this is so difficult. Give me a minute.’
She stands up and walks a few steps across the room, then turns round and walks back.
‘Too small for pacing,’ I say, trying to lighten the mood, and she gives me a little smile. ‘Come on Deb, whatever it is it can’t be as bad as what I’ve just told you?’
‘I suppose … OK, here goes.’
She sits down again, and Ruth pats her arm encouragingly.
‘I’ve been gambling, Beth. Online. It started off with bingo, just a bit of fun to wind down after a long day at work, and then, I don’t know really. It got out of control somehow. I never thought something like that could happen to me; it seems so weak. But it did. I was addicted, properly addicted, for a while, and … well, I’ve stopped now. I’m getting help, finally. But Gavin’s left me over it, Beth. I got myself into a lot of debt – got us into a lot of debt. Thousands and thousands. Even thought for a while we might lose the house, and when Gavin found out he went absolutely ballistic … Anyway, he walked out, and …’
She closes her eyes and takes deep breaths. I want to get up and hug her, but I make myself wait, my heart aching, remembering again the day we went out for lunch but now seeing it in a new light.
She brought her own lunch with her because she couldn’t afford to buy lunch in the café.
Oh Deb, you should have told me …
‘I confided in Ruth, eventually, and she’s been trying to help me. She’s been amazing,’ she says, and looks gratefully at Ruth, who smiles. ‘I’ve even been to a Gambler’s Anonymous meeting, which was so scary but actually fantastic. I know I can beat this now and I’m feeling so much better. I would have told you too, Beth – I hated leaving you out – but as I said, I was so ashamed and so worried about my job, on top of everything else. I mean, imagine it, a nurse with a chronic gambling habit. It would be a disgrace, and …’
She takes a shuddery breath.
‘Anyway, Gavin is coming round one night this week to talk. He’s been staying at his brother’s in Gloucester, but I’ve told him I’ve stopped and that I’m getting help, and I think … well, I hope, I’m keeping everything crossed, that we can sort it out, that we can get back on track. So that’s it, Beth. That’s why I’ve been so out of sorts recently, and I’m mortified and so sorry. It’s up to you whether you tell Gabby and the others now. I’m not going to put any pressure on you, OK? But I’m so sorry too that this has been of no help to you. I’m not your missing mum, love.’
She gives me a sad smile and I nod and try to smile back, but inside I’m starting to feel something close to despair.
I’m running out of options here, aren’t I?
‘Well, thank you for telling me. What a couple of days of insane revelations, eh?’ I say.
‘Quite unbelievable,’ says Ruth. ‘Have you talked to Brenda and Barbara yet?’
‘I have,’ I reply, and slide off the bed. ‘And no, it’s not either of them. They had some interesting things to say too, but I’ll catch you up on all that another time. Right now, I have to go. I have someone else to talk to, and I want to do it this evening, if possible.’
‘Let me guess,’ says Ruth. ‘Robin?’
‘Robin,’ I say.
Chapter 43
I call Robin from the car. The fact that she showed up for the party on Friday gives me hope that she might meet me, if I stress how important it is, and I’m right. She’s not exactly friendly on the phone, but she says she’s actually at her friend’s house in Prestbury and that she’s happy to pop in in about half an hour.
I drive home as quickly as I can, still feeling that doing the rounds of everyone I know who’s recently been in my house and asking them if they’re actually my mother is just the most absurd thing I’ve ever done in my life. But I’m also thinking again about Robin, about how she first appeared in my life. I’d thought it was fate that brought us together, but maybe not.
Could it be her? She’s so great with the kids, and they love her … Imagine if she really is their grandmother?
She’s already there when I arrive home, waiting outside the door. She’s dressed i
n khaki-coloured running tights and a sleeveless vest today and her arms are tanned and toned.
If she’s my mum, I certainly haven’t inherited her body shape, I think wryly. I cut the engine, telling myself to stay calm and breathe, breathe, as I get out of the car.
‘What’s all this about, Beth?’ she asks.
‘It’s kind of complicated,’ I say. ‘Come in, Robin. I really appreciate you coming over after … well, after everything that’s happened. And I really do owe you a massive apology, but I’m hoping that when I tell you what I’m about to tell you, you might forgive me. Things have been a little bit nuts around here, and not what they seemed.’
‘Oh. Well, OK. I’m glad I came then,’ she says, following me into the house. ‘I’m intrigued.’
I’m half expecting her to say, ‘I know, I know, Beth’ when I tell her that my mother is not actually my mother at all, but she doesn’t, and so I carry on with the story. When I’ve finished she jumps from her chair and throws her arms around me.
‘Holy frickin’ bananas!’ she says, and hugs me even tighter. I laugh and hug her back.
‘Holy bananas?’ I say. ‘That’s a new one!’
‘Well, this whole thing’s a new one on me,’ she replies, letting me go. ‘Phew-eeee! I was never sure about her, you know? There was always something a little odd; I couldn’t put my finger on it. But this … wow. I never suspected anything like this.’
‘None of us did,’ I say. ‘She fooled us all. Quite the actress, eh?’
Robin nods, then grimaces.
‘And what a cow, trying to make out it might be me behind all that stuff … the heating problems, and the cameras in your room, and all the rest. Bloody hell, Beth. And as for the trampoline accident, that makes me feel sick to my stomach. I love those kids. I would never, ever … I mean, Finley could have broken his neck; he could have died. I want to wring her neck for that. Is it awful that I feel a tiny bit glad she’s so sick now?’
‘No … Oh, I don’t know, Robin. It’s all so confusing. I hate her for what she’s done, but at the same time I kind of … well, I understand. She went through hell, and that was my fault – or at least, I was certainly partly to blame. I don’t know how to feel about it all. It’s weird.’
The Happy Family Page 29