He grimaced at his own question but found that he wanted to know.
“Okay. The morning sickness is starting to pass.”
“That’s good.” His feet shuffled forward. “I’m sure you’re excited to get back to California after the wedding next week. To see the baby’s father again.” He hated himself even as he said it. And yet, he had to admit that it was satisfying to get one last dagger in.
Until he saw the hurt look on Jade’s face and the tears that overflowed her lids.
“I’m sorry.” He moved closer. What was done was done. There was no need for him to be a jerk about it. “That was uncalled for.”
She shook her head and wiped at her eyes. “There is no father.”
“What do you mean there is no father?” Dan could feel his brow wrinkle. There obviously had to be a father.
Jade had gotten her tears in check, but she looked more lost than he’d ever seen her.
“I mean, I don’t know who the father is. He was some random guy who picked me up at the bar one night. I don’t even know his name.”
Dan’s head reeled. Why had she said she was in a relationship with the baby’s father? For the past three weeks, he’d believed she’d been stringing him along this whole time—a diversion to bide her time until she went home to her real relationship.
“But you’re still going back to California?”
Her laugh was mocking. “What else am I going to do, Dan? Hang out here with a baby everyone thinks is yours? It will be better if I go—for both of us.”
Dan pinched his chin. She wasn’t wrong. But that didn’t eliminate the sharp pain in his chest at the thought of her leaving.
“So you’re going to raise the baby on your own? Or are you going to give it up for adoption?”
“I’m going to keep it.” Her voice was filled with a conviction he’d never heard from her before. For some unexplainable reason, he was proud of her.
“For the record, I think that’s really brave.”
She shook her head. “Not brave. I’m totally terrified.”
He tried a smile. “I heard someone say once that that’s what makes it brave.”
He thought she was brave?
Jade scoffed.
Nearly everything she’d done in her life was motivated by fear. And she didn’t deserve to have him think otherwise.
“I thought about getting rid of it.” She didn’t know why she said it. Maybe to shock him—to make him stop being so nice to her when she deserved only his wrath.
“Getting an abortion,” she added, in case he didn’t understand what she was implying. He needed to know the full extent of her vileness.
Dan’s face twitched, but he didn’t say anything at first.
She could see him running through the possible responses in his head.
Finally, he settled on, “What made you decide not to?”
The question caught her off guard.
She clutched the already crumpled wedding program tighter but made herself look him in the eyes. “Because I couldn’t go through with that again.”
The way his mouth twisted told her she’d done it—she’d finally killed every last feeling he had for her.
Good, she told herself even as she felt a fissure larger than this room opening right through the middle of her heart.
“Again?” His voice was hoarse.
She followed a crack in the floor with her toe. “It’s why I left. The first time. I was pregnant.”
The air between them went completely still. Jade heard the air conditioner kick in, but there was no other sound. She couldn’t even hear Dan breathing.
She made herself look up at him.
He was staring toward the wall, his face blank. But a muscle jumped in his clenched jaw.
“I’m sorry.” The words were so small, but they were the only words she had.
When Dan still didn’t move, she walked to the door.
Before opening it, she glanced back, half hoping Dan would tell her to stop. But she already knew he wouldn’t.
Chapter 40
Follow her.
Dan ignored the voice in his head. Following her was the last thing he wanted to do.
When he’d first found out she was pregnant, he hadn’t thought things could get any worse.
But now? Finding out she’d left Hope Springs to have an abortion?
That meant she’d slept with some other guy—it didn’t matter who—while they’d been together last time.
That fact kept circling through his head. He’d loved her, and she’d never seen him as anything more than a—what? He didn’t even pretend to know.
He wasn’t sure how long he stood in the church lobby before he dragged a resigned hand through his hair and shuffled out the door and across the parking lot to his house.
But he didn’t know what to do there. He tried watching TV, but everything he turned on annoyed him. He picked up a book, but after he’d reread the same page half a dozen times, he set it down. He was getting up to change into running clothes when the doorbell rang.
His stupid heart jumped, but he thrust his hope aside.
There was nothing to hope for now, even if it did happen to be Jade at the door.
“Hey, bro.” Leah opened the door before he’d reached it. “Just stopped by to— What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing’s wrong with me.” Leave it to Leah to sour his mood even more.
“Yeah. That’s why you look like you did when Patches ran away.”
Dan rolled his eyes. He’d give anything to have his biggest problem right now be a runaway cat.
“What do you want, Leah?” He dropped into the worn chair he’d picked up from Goodwill when he’d first moved in, suddenly sapped of all energy.
“I brought some leftovers from a birthday party I catered, in case you’re hungry.”
“I’m not.” The thought of food made bile rise in his throat.
“It can be your dinner then.”
He heard her walk into the kitchen and open the refrigerator, but he didn’t follow. Instead, he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He didn’t open them when the couch across from him creaked with the sound of her settling into it.
“So how long are you planning to mope around before you come to your senses?” Leah’s voice was lighthearted, but he heard the rebuke in it.
“I’m not moping.”
“Look, I know you’re hurting.” Leah’s voice was uncharacteristically gentle, the voice she used with her friends, not her brother. “But did you ever think that maybe she’s hurting too?”
Dan ignored the gut punch of her words. He knew Jade was hurting. And not only because of the unplanned pregnancy. She was hurting because of him. But he didn’t know what he was supposed to do about it.
He cracked an eye open. “I thought you didn’t like Jade.”
Leah sighed. “It’s not that I don’t like her. I just didn’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Well, I did get hurt. So I guess you were right.”
“And, what? You want to hurt her back?”
“No.” He opened his eyes and stood to pace the room. He didn’t want to hurt her. But he also didn’t know if he could get over the way she’d hurt him.
“Then stop acting like a spoiled little boy and forgive her. Work things out.”
He stared at his sister. Did she really think it worked like that? “It’s not that easy.”
“Why not? Do you love her?”
He threw his hands in the air. “She’s having another man’s baby.” He practically shouted the words at his sister. How was she not getting this?
“And?” Leah blinked at him way too calmly.
“And she doesn’t know whose it is. Probably some jerk who only wanted to use her.” His hands tightened into fists. “Why does she always choose guys like that?”
“She also chose you, Dan.” Leah folded her feet under her on the couch. “Twice.”
But Dan gave his head a vigorous shake. “
No, she didn’t. I was just a distraction until another jerk came along.”
“Or maybe―” Leah speared him with an intense look. “You were her lifeline and she lost her grip. Don’t push her farther away, Dan. Swim out and save her.”
Dan shook his head at his sister. Hadn’t Jade proven more than once that she didn’t want to be saved?
“She told me she was pregnant when she left, Leah. When we were together. She was pregnant with some other guy’s baby then too.” He could barely say the rest—barely believe it. “She had an abortion.”
His sister’s expression didn’t change. “So, two strikes and she’s out? How many times has God pursued you when you’ve messed up? Or me?”
Dan looked away, his jaw working. He’d seen the remorse in Jade’s eyes. The shame. The fear. But instead of reassuring her of God’s forgiveness, he’d beaten her down further, heaped more shame and guilt on her instead of loving her.
He groaned long and low. He hated when his sister was right.
“Anyway―” Leah uncurled from the couch and stood. “What are you going to do? Pretend you never knew her?”
He shrugged. “She’ll live her life, and I’ll live mine. Just like we did before. Everything will be fine.”
Except it wouldn’t be. He knew already that his life would never be fine without Jade in it.
Leah opened the front door. “You know I’m perfectly content being single. But if someone were to come along who was as perfect for me as Jade obviously is for you, I’d like to think I’d be smart enough not to throw it away.”
She stepped outside and closed the door behind her, leaving Dan staring at the wood grain.
She couldn’t be serious when she said Jade was perfect for him. Jade was nothing like what he’d envisioned in a wife and ministry partner.
She was still young in her faith, she was impulsive, she didn’t know the first thing about church procedures.
But she was also eager to learn and quick to jump in and help, and she was great with the kids. She’d be great with her kid too—Dan knew that.
He let out a ragged breath and strode to his Star Wars room. There, he opened the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet and grabbed a tattered shoe box. Dropping to the floor, he lifted the lid off.
There was the hyacinth they’d picked on the dunes. And an almost perfectly intact shell. There were wrinkled papers too—notes Jade had passed him during chemistry class.
He lifted them out and sorted through them. Someday maybe he’d be brave enough to reread everything. But for now, he needed to be reminded of how she’d left last time—of why he was doing the right thing in not being with her now.
Finally, he came to the short note.
The last one he’d ever gotten from her.
He closed his eyes for a second, then made himself read it.
I’m sorry, Dan. If I loved you less, I’d stay. But I can’t do that to you. Forget about me and live the life you were made for. I’d only get in your way. Love, Jade
Dan looked up from the note, his eyes falling on the Luke Skywalker figure Jade had been standing here holding just a couple months ago.
This note was the only time she’d ever said she loved him, but he’d completely disregarded it. If she’d loved him, she would have stayed.
But rereading the note now, Dan saw it. She’d left to protect him. She’d known being associated with a pregnant girlfriend would keep him from doing the things he wanted to do, even if the baby wasn’t his. She hadn’t wanted him to know how she’d failed—hadn’t wanted him to have any part of her decision regarding the baby.
An overwhelming sadness rolled over Dan that he hadn’t been there for her. Then or now.
She’d distanced herself from him the moment she’d learned she was pregnant this time.
And he’d let her.
He hadn’t done anything to support her or love her through this.
She’d been trying to protect him. But it turned out that she was the one who needed protection—from him and his judgment.
But that was going to change.
Right now.
He jumped to his feet and jogged out of the house and back toward his office.
He had a sermon to rewrite before Sunday.
Chapter 41
“Come on, it’s starting.” Vi hurried Jade toward the steps that led down to the beach.
Today was the annual outdoor church service. It was the one service Jade had always loved, even as a kid.
But she preferred to get to church late these days. That way, there was no danger she’d run into Dan. It was the same reason she made her escape before the final prayer each week.
At first, she’d considered giving up going to church completely. But her tender faith was the only thing getting her through right now, and she wasn’t willing to give up the opportunity to have it nourished. Whatever had happened between them, she still appreciated the way Dan shared God’s Word. Lately, it seemed that each of his messages contained some truth she desperately needed to hear—which she chose to believe was a coincidence.
She kept her head down as she followed Vi onto the beach to the spot where rows of white folding chairs had been set up. Nate and his worship band were finishing the final verse of the first song as Jade and Violet slid into two empty seats at the back.
As Dan stood to deliver the day’s readings, Jade couldn’t look away. His eyes looked tired, as if he hadn’t been getting enough sleep, but he had the same energy about him that he had every time he was in front of the congregation.
For a second, she let herself wonder what it would be like to serve with him in his ministry. Never in her wildest dreams would she have thought that would be something she’d enjoy. But helping with camp and VBS had given her a different perspective. And much as she’d been afraid to recognize it, Dan might have been right about her gift in working with children. She’d loved every moment of it.
She pressed a hand to the bump in her belly. Hopefully her gift in working with other people’s children would extend to raising her own child. The prospect terrified her. She had no idea how she was going to do this alone.
Some nights, when she was so tired she could barely move, she let herself imagine a world in which she and Dan were married, and the child inside her was his and they raised it together.
She shook off the thought and tried to concentrate on the service as Dan stood to deliver his sermon.
“Today’s message is from the book of John. Here we read about a woman caught in adultery.” As Dan read the verses that described how the law declared the woman should be stoned for her sin, a high-pitched humming started in Jade’s ears. She knew he was angry with her, knew he would never forgive her, but did he have to preach a sermon directed specifically at her? In front of all these people?
With her baby bump starting to show, it wouldn’t take anyone much guesswork to figure out who he was talking about–if there was even anyone left in this town who didn’t already know how she had messed up. Again.
She eyed the chairs between her and the end of the row. She could probably get over there without stepping on too many people’s feet.
She shifted and started to stand, but Vi’s hand landed on her leg and pressed gently. “Just listen,” she mouthed.
Jade stared at her. She wanted Jade to listen to Dan reminding her of what a vile sinner she was? She already knew that. But she lowered herself back to her seat just as Dan was closing his Bible.
His eyes scanned the entire congregation. When they met hers, she felt the sear of the connection, but she didn’t look away.
If he had something he wanted to say to her in front of all these people, he could go ahead and say it. It wasn’t like the weight of guilt pressing her down could get any heavier than it already was.
“Do you ever read that story and wish the people had thrown their stones?” Dan bent and inspected the beach, then stood, holding up a fist-sized stone. “After all, she deserved it, didn’t she?”
He tossed the stone from hand to hand and took a step toward the chairs. “You know that woman caught in adultery? She’s here.”
Jade flinched. He wouldn’t really call her out in front of the whole church, would he? He was too kind, too decent for that. Then again, she’d hurt him pretty badly. That could change a person.
“So what should we do? Should we grab our stones?” He held the stone up again but then lifted a finger. “Before you decide, let me tell you about this woman. She’s lied, she’s cheated, she’s lusted after things that weren’t hers, she’s hated, she’s put anything and everything else before God.” He paused, giving them time to absorb the list of her sins. “And do you want to know her name?”
Every instinct told Jade to run before he said her name. But she couldn’t move.
“Her name is you.” But Dan wasn’t looking at Jade. His eyes were roaming over the entire congregation again. “Her name is me.” He pressed a hand to his chest. “We are all that woman caught in adultery. We’ve all been caught cheating on the One who loves us more than we can comprehend. Every time we sin, every time we choose our way over God’s way, every time we put something before him, we’re committing adultery against our God. We deserve to be stoned. Worse, we deserve hell.” He only hesitated for a second before continuing. “But―”
Jade’s pulse quickened, and she leaned forward in her seat. She needed to hear that but.
“But listen to what Jesus says to the woman: ‘Neither do I condemn you.’ Do you hear that? He’s saying that to you. To me. He does not condemn us. He frees us. He saves us.” He held the rock up, then opened his hand and let it fall to the sand. “Those stones that were poised to be thrown at us? They’re on the ground now. And that’s where they’ll stay. No one can throw them at us. Ever again. Our guilt is gone. We are washed clean in Christ’s blood.”
Jade let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. Those words sounded too good to be true. And yet, she knew in her heart that they were true. And that they were for her.
But Dan was still talking, and she didn’t want to miss a word of this beautiful message. “When Jesus died for us, he freed us from our sin. He told the woman, ‘Go and sin no more.’ He didn’t mean she had to go show him how good she could be. She didn’t have to change to earn his love. It was never about change. It was never about her at all. It was about what Christ had done for her.” His eyes landed on Jade, and he held her gaze. “He loved her no matter what. Loved her enough to die for her sins.” He paused, his eyes still locked on hers, as she soaked in what he was saying. What it meant for her.
Not Until Us (Hope Springs Book 4) Page 20