by Nicole Thorn
With Divina, my feelings for her never felt like they did for Anna. The love I had for Divina made me think that no other love existed. Not for me. Not like that.
I was only half wrong.
This love didn’t feel the same. With Divina, it had never been as deep and painful and raw as this. I didn’t feel like my chest had been wrenched open, waiting to be hurt. I didn’t feel exposed. With Anna, I didn’t even mind the pain.
I’d been naïve enough to think that all love felt the same. The same depths and wants. This surpassed what I thought possible. It was more than I thought a person could take. It overwhelmed me, making me feel weak and strong in the strangest way.
I was lost, and I was found.
I stared into the eyes of the girl I’d fallen in love with and couldn’t speak. I’d been so sure it couldn’t happen again. I’d never been so happy and sad to be wrong.
“Ezra? Are you okay?” Her voice broke through the noise in my head.
I came back to Earth, but couldn’t begin to know what to say. “I am not okay.”
She took a tentative step forward, and paused briefly. When she decided on whatever she wanted do, she took another step. She put her hands on my face and pulled me to her, putting her lips against mine.
I wanted to let myself enjoy it. To be able to kiss the love of my new life. But I couldn’t.
I pushed Anna away, and tried not to crumble when I saw the look on her face. The rejection looked like it ruined her. It ruined me.
I left her standing alone as I drove away.
***
I sat on the corner of my empty bed and stared at the floor. This place felt too quiet. No soft breathing from my sleeping girl, or her yelling at me for something stupid.
How could I have not noticed how lonely I was until now? Nearly three hundred years of being numb, and now my emotions came back tenfold. I felt like I drowned in them.
I picked up the nightie on my floor. It smelled of her and of me.
When I saw Anna, I noticed that she no longer smelled like me. Why would she? She went back to her own soap. It made me feel even more like she left me behind.
Almost stronger than the love I felt, was the fear. I was afraid of what love would do to me. What would happen to me after. Once I killed the miracle that Anastasia Amarus was.
The death of Divina turned me into a killer, and I hadn’t even been the one to kill her. But now, I had to kill my love. The thought of her death hurt more than I could comprehend.
There wouldn’t be an ounce of me left. I’d become even more of a monster, or I’d just be nothing.
I needed to not think anymore. I needed her.
I got on my motorcycle and drove to the apartment as fast as I could. Night had already fallen, and I couldn’t see any light in the whole building.
I parked a ways away, so that her annoying friends wouldn’t hear me or see the bike.
Quietly, I scaled the fire escape that led up to her room. When I saw her through the window, she laid in bed, facing away from me. My jacket covered her, and I could see her holding the sleeve to her chest.
The window had been left slightly open and I pulled it up.
She turned around instantly, and her eyes widened as she saw me. “Why are you here?” she whispered.
I walked to her as I spoke, “I need a break.”
“From?”
“Everything. Can I sleep here tonight?”
Anna nodded, and I got into bed with her. She moved the jacket to a chair by her bed.
I put my hand on her hip, but quickly moved it away. Maybe I shouldn’t touch her. It might’ve made this harder on both of us.
Anna reached back, and put my hand back on her hip. I almost laughed. I moved my hand onto her stomach, and her body relaxed. She seemed at ease in my arms.
My face pressed gently into her shoulder, and I tried to memorize how this felt. How it made me feel to be close to her like this, and to have her wanting me.
I tried to think past the fact that I’d never hold her like this again.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Find What You Love and Let It Kill You
Anastasia
I woke up expecting to feel Ezra’s warm body wrapped around mine. I felt an empty bed instead. I turned to confirm my fears. I felt his spot on the bed, and it was still warm. He must have just left. I sat up and blinked until my eyes could focus. When they did, I panicked.
My jacket was gone. The only piece of Ezra I had, and he’d taken it when he left. I tore the room apart to make sure. When I came up empty, I sat on the bed and cried.
I heard a knock on my door before it opened. Poppy stood on the other side. “Annie? Are you okay?”
I shook my head, because I knew if I spoke, my voice would crack.
She closed the door, then joined me on the bed. “What happened?”
“It’s gone,” I said through my tears.
“What?”
“His jacket. He took it.”
Poppy’s eyes widened. “H-he was here? When?”
“Last night.”
“Why?” She looked afraid. The idea of a killer so close to her and her boyfriend must have been scary. I had no fear of Ezra, so I couldn’t relate.
“He wanted to sleep with me.”
Poppy’s eyebrows went up.
“Really sleep,” I explained. “He needed a break from our… fight? I guess that’s what this is.”
“He missed you?”
The tiniest smile broke on my face. “I think he did.”
“Did you miss him?”
“I did.” The smile vanished and my voice thickened with sorrow.
“Annie.” She moved her hand to mine. “Please be honest with me on this one. Are you in love with him?”
She became blurry when my eyes welled with tears. “I am.”
She had no judgement on her face, only sympathy. “If the whole he needs to kill you thing wasn’t happening, I’d say it’s kinda romantic. You’ve got the whole star-crossed lovers thing going on for you.” She smiled. “How’d it happen?”
“How did I fall in love with him?”
“Yeah. I don’t really know him, but he seems mean. Maybe I just think that cuz he tried to kill my best friend. I don’t think you’re one to be taken up by the Stockholm thing. I don’t believe that it’s a trick in your head. If you say you love him, then I think you do.”
“Thank you. Thank you for not thinking I’m crazy.”
“I do think you’re crazy, but not like that. Love makes everyone crazy. It makes me not mind that Ossy sings to his cereal and promises to teach our kids to do it… and it makes you love a man whose job it is to kill you. Love fucks you up, but in the best way.”
“He doesn’t love me.”
Poppy smiled. “He snuck into your room to sleep next to you.”
“So?”
“And he never tried to pressure you into sex?”
“No.”
“He was content to just sleep beside you. You were the thing that he could feel comforted by. That sounds like love to me, sweetie.”
I thought about that for a moment. I still didn’t believe he could love me. I didn’t think he could love anyone. Divina had been the love of all loves according to him. No one could eclipse that, especially me.
Poppy fidgeted in her seat, “You guys… did you…”
“No.” I frowned.
“Did you even kiss?”
I smirked, and looked away. She lightly smacked my arm. “When?”
“The first time was in that poker place—”
“First?”
“—when I thought he might die. It wasn’t much of a kiss. I just put my lips on his.”
“That totally counts.” Poppy smiled. “Maybe more than a crazy passionate kiss, because that one was pure emotion, no hormones involved.”
I laughed. “The second time was after the fight on the lake I told you about. I killed someone. A demon that was about to shoot Ezra. I stabbed him.
” Poppy’s eyes got big again, but I didn’t stop talking. “When the fight was over he grabbed me and kissed me.”
Poppy smiled. “Aww, seeing you fighting got him all hot and bothered.”
“Doubt it.”
“Was that the last time?”
I shook my head. “The last time was when I escaped.” Not the real last time. When he pushed me away, like he didn’t want me.
“When he was in the shower?” Her face screwed up in confusion.
“That’s not what happened.” Shame filled me.
I told her everything.
“Annie.” She hugged me. “I’m sorry you had to do that.”
“His eyes… they were so—there isn’t even a word for it. I hated myself for it. I still do. I played with him because I knew it would work.”
“Better than waiting for the boy you love to kill you. I can’t imagine how painful that is for you. If Os had to murder me… it would kill us both.”
Would my death kill Ezra too?
***
I stood at the kitchen counter as I sliced potatoes for fries. Elisa said it would be good for me to do something. Like that would cure my depression.
Everyone else ran around the kitchen while they all cooked something different. We planned on making burgers. Well, they did. I cut potatoes.
I stopped paying attention until I felt the blade slice across my palm. I looked down at my hand and watched the blood.
“Annie!” Elisa yelped. “You’re bleeding.” She rushed to me, and held a rag to my hand. I watched the blood soak into it, and felt nothing. “Jesus, Annie, were you just gonna bleed out in the kitchen?”
Elisa looked at me like I was insane. Poppy was sad, and Oswald looked scared for me. Poppy most likely filled him in on everything I told her. I didn’t care. Let them all know.
“You need to knock this off.” Elisa put her free hand on her hip. “Stop pouting about a psycho who doesn’t give a fuck about you and wants to kill you. Let me say that slower so you understand, kill… you…” Her brown eyes narrowed like I was annoyed her.
“Elisa,” Oswald said harshly. “Why don’t you give her a break? She’s been through Hell. Literally and figuratively.”
Elisa snorted as she lifted the rag to check on the wound. I didn’t worry. I healed fast. “I’m aware of what she’s been through. That dickhead ruined her with his mind games. It’s not her fault he tricked her.” She spoke like I didn’t stand right in front of her.
“He didn’t trick her. Stop trying to make her sound dumb,” Poppy snapped.
“I’m not trying to make her sound dumb!” Elisa snapped right back.
“Stop. Everyone,” I said, calmly. “Let’s just not talk about him.” I yanked my hand from Elisa, and ran it under the water. Better start putting on a show before she decided I needed psychiatric help.
***
After dinner, Poppy and Oswald perched on the couch while Elisa sat on the floor with a spell book wide open. I tried not to roll my eyes.
Adelina all but said spell books were bullshit. Intent eclipsed all else with magic. That, and a connection to the earth.
“What are you trying to do?” Oswald asked Elisa as he flipped through the channels.
She turned the pages, and looked at the book while she spoke, “A charm spell.”
“What’s that?” he asked.
“I was shopping yesterday, and the damn girl behind the counter was giving me shit about returning a scarf. This spell would let me…” She twitched her nose as she thought. “…make people more agreeable.”
“Mind control?” I asked as a blonde brow went up my forehead. “Is that what that is?”
“Sorta.” Elisa flipped the page again.
“You have to be kidding.” I snorted. “That’s a bit much don’t you think?”
She looked up with half a smile. “The way I see it, there’s no point to this power unless you have some fun with it.”
“Fun? You think that fucking with someone’s head is fun?”
She rolled her eyes. “Once I get this spell down I’ll teach you.”
“No thanks.” I turned my head to the TV.
“Uptight,” Elisa mumbled.
She looked around the book for a while before giving up and deciding that it had to be in another book. Elisa went home for the night.
Poppy and Oswald, and I stayed in the living room. We ate ice cream, and I felt comfortable enough to let myself relax. I didn’t need to hide my depression from them.
“More strawberry syrup?” Oswald offered me the bottle. “It cures what ails ya.”
“No thanks.” I stabbed at the melting ice cream with my spoon.
“Os?” Poppy patted his knee, and he glanced at her. “Annie and I are going for a drive. We’ll be back soon.” She kissed him on the cheek and dragged me out the door.
We got in Oswald’s car, and I asked where we were going.
“Not sure. Let’s just drive.”
She took off into the night, and I stared at the stars outside. The sky seemed empty and it felt fitting.
I felt a chill, and I rubbed my arms with my hands. I really missed that jacket.
I turned to Poppy. “Can I drive?”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I know where I wanna go.”
She pulled over in a donut shop parking lot, and I took over. I headed straight for Ezra’s place.
I parked right in front of the building, and Poppy asked where we were.
“Ezra lives here,” I said as I got out of the car.
She froze. “Why are we here?”
“I want my jacket back.”
“You’re just gonna steal it? Or are you hoping that he’ll hand it over?”
I looked around, not spotting his bike in the usual place. “He’s not here. We’re safe.”
I led her inside, and up the elevator.
“Why are you really doing this?” Poppy asked while we traveled up. “I know you don’t really care about a jacket.”
I looked at the ground. “I don’t have anything from Ezra. Nothing to remind me of him. If I have to go a lifetime without him, then I need something to remember him by.”
She didn’t say anything until we got to his locked door. “How do we get in?”
“We could knock,” I laughed.
Poppy rolled her eyes and undid her hair. She took two pins and knelt in front of the doorknob. “Don’t say I never gave you anything.” She started working on the lock.
“You gave me life, so I couldn’t say that before,” I pointed out as the door clicked.
She gestured to it. “It is done.”
I hesitated with my hand on the doorknob for a second before I opened it.
Poppy gasped silently and mouthed. “Oh no!” She violently pointed to the bed that had a sleeping Ezra on it.
I couldn’t gather up any fear or concern. I was just happy to see him.
“Why is he dressed?” Poppy whispered.
I looked at the scene as I tiptoed in with Poppy on my heels. Ezra wore my jacket and all his other clothes—minus one shoe. He laid across the bed with his feet hanging off of it sideways. His shoe rested on the floor. His head laid on my pillow while his remained in its spot.
“What’s that black thing on the pillow?” Poppy whispered.
I took another few steps closer to him, and my hand went to my mouth to muffle the sob threatening to escape.
The nightie I had before I left.
I smelled alcohol and quickly saw why. A broken bottle of whiskey sat on the concrete below, and a mostly empty sat a few inches from his hand. He had a deep cut across his fingers and palm.
“Wow,” Poppy said, and it made me look over to her. She stood by the dresser, staring at his dagger. It had been deeply sunken into the top of the dresser. Blood dried onto the edges.
I walked as close to Ezra as I could, and knelt down. He looked sad, even passed out.
“This is my fault,” I said. I ruined hi
m. He had been fine before I came along, and I ruined his world. Burned it down, and left him alone in the ashes.
I put my lips on his, just for a second, pulled away, and stood up.
“You can’t blame yourself for him falling in love with you.” Poppy leaned on the dresser.
“Stop saying he loves me. If you keep doing it, I might start believing it. I’m not sure I could live with myself if it was true.” I wouldn’t be able to live without him.
She spotted my giant Donald stuffed animal. “What’s that?”
“Ezra bought it for me on Christmas. When I woke up that day after Disneyland, he had it waiting for me.”
She smiled at it. “That boy is so in love with you, Annie. Deny all you want, but it’s true. I promise.”
“I need to get out of here,” I said while staring down at Ezra. “I’m not getting that jacket off of him.”
“Maybe not.” She pushed herself off of the dresser. “But this you can take.” She picked up Donald.
I smiled with my lips pressed together. “Yeah. And this.” I walked around to grab Ezra’s pillow. He was using mine anyway. He wouldn’t miss this.
I had to leave the door unlocked, but I knew he’d be safe. I took one last long look at him before we left the loft.
Chapter Twenty-Four: The Hourglass
Ezra
I woke up, and my head felt like it would explode. The scent of whiskey filled my nose as fuzzy memories crowded my head. My hand had been sliced open, and I vaguely recalled sending my dagger into the dresser. My hand slipped, and it resulted in my quickly healing cut.
I sat up, and the taste of her haunted my lips.
Her nightie had been under my head all night, so I’d fall asleep with her scent. I tossed it on the ground as I got out of bed. I kicked my remaining shoe off, then ran my fingers through my now slightly curly hair.
I did a double take when I only saw one pillow on the bed. I looked on the side, and it hadn’t fallen. It was just gone.