by Robert Thier
Over the next few days, Ella slowly but surely began to improve. More and more often, she was able to keep down her food. Her skin ceased to resemble dried old parchment, and life came back into her eyes. As for the amount of merde I had to smuggle out of her room on a regular basis—that was still considerable. More than once, I wished I had Mr Ambrose’s talent for waste disposal. Still, as Ella’s general condition improved, those symptoms also slowly started to abate.
‘Miss Linton?’
I looked up. I had just come out of Ella’s room with a bag of…well, smelly things that I’d rather not think about, when Edmund came around the corner and strode toward me, a broad smile on his face, hiding something behind his back.
‘I’ve found one, Miss Linton! It took me really long, but I’ve finally found one!’
‘Um…one what?’ I enquired, trying to hide the crappy bag behind my back.
‘This!’
With a triumphant grin, he held out his hands, presenting me with—
‘Rrrrng! What the heck is that?’ I hadn’t thought it possible for there to be anything that smelled worse than the bag I was currently carrying. I had been wrong. The mouldy piece of wood Edmund was holding out to me smelled as if a whale had used it as a privy. It looked like it, too. Squashed and cracked in multiple places, it was covered with cracked shells, grime, tar, and other delightful things you come across if you go for a nice swim in a dirty harbour basin.
‘A ship plank!’ Edmund was beaming as if he was one of Father Christmas’s elves. ‘Mouldy and rotten, too, just as you ordered. It wasn’t easy to find. Do you know how far away Bath is from the coast? Plus, you won’t believe how many ship captains object to your chopping off a piece of their ship, even if it’s just a tiny small one.’
‘Oh, I think I might believe that.’
‘Well, anyway, I finally found one who allowed me to take this for a fee.’ He lifted the plank proudly. ‘Will you put it under Ella’s bed, Miss Linton?’
I gazed at him and his hopeful puppy dog expression.
‘Right away,’ I lied and took the plank. Why not? My hands would need to be scrubbed with bleach anyway.
‘Thank you. Thank you, Miss Linton. What would I do without you?’
Stick mouldy planks under your fiancée’s bed, probably?
I really would have to drop in on them occasionally once they were married, just to check whether someone had tried to sell the poor fellow some all-healing snake oil or get him to invest in an expedition to rediscover a lost ancient south-African silver mine.
‘I’ll bring her this right away,’ I lied.
‘How is she?’
Anxiety was written all over his face with letters so big even a blind analphabetic bat could have read it.
‘Much better,’ I assured him, grateful that this time it was the absolute truth. ‘The carrots helped a lot.’
‘Really?’ he perked up. ‘Should I bring more?’
‘Um…I think more ham sandwiches would be better. They were even more effective.’
He nodded earnestly. ‘I’ll go make some straight away.’
‘Bless you. You’re a good man, Edmund. And…’
‘Yes?’
‘Never buy anything from a salesman, or invest in anything before asking Ella.’
He blinked—then nodded. ‘Err…all right. I’ll see you later, Miss. Later.’
‘Till then.’
I watched him recede down the corridor, then looked down at the two objects in my hand. I might be able to sneak out with the sack, in spite of the odour. But the mouldy ship plank? I didn’t think I should try to march through the lobby with that. Not unless I wanted to visit the local loony bin. But there was always more than one way to solve a problem. One: solve it yourself. Two, and far better: unload it on someone else.
Turning around, I strode back into the room. From her bed, Ella blinked as she saw me striding by with my new load.
‘Err…am I hallucinating?’
‘Unfortunately no.’
‘Are you sure?’ She eyed the plank dubiously. A bit of seaweed was still dangling off the edge. ‘I could be having a relapse.’
‘Trust me,’ I huffed, pushing up the window and leaning out, ‘you aren’t.’
Outside, the air was moderately fresher than in the room. Still, the odour of the seaweed, combined with the exquisite perfume of l’eau de la merde issuing from the sack, managed to make even the fresh morning air smell like a big pile of horse shit. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.
Slipping two fingers between my lips, I whistled. Karim, who was standing guard a little farther down the wall, turned and glanced up at me.
‘Yes?’
‘Catch!’
The big Mohammedan ducked just in time to avoid being brained by a mouldy ship plank. His hands shot out to grab the thing, and, stumbling, he tumbled into the nearest flower bed. Yellow tulips. How fitting.
‘Have a care, Prince Fragrant Yellow Flower!’ I called down to him, grinning broadly. With a little bow, I let the sack drop, too, and it landed with an unappetizing noise next to the flower bed. ‘We would not want you to injure your majestic royal self.’
Karim sent me up a look that could kill at twenty paces. Luckily, I was at least twenty-five away.
‘What,’ he enquired, raising the plank, ‘is that?’
‘Oh, just a little present.’
‘A present? A mouldy ship plank?’
‘Oh yes. Some people say they’re very good for your health.’
He gave me a long, long look—the kind of look you give a person when you decide how best to chop their head off. ‘Is your brand of madness hereditary, woman? Because if so, I shall advise the Sahib to reconsider his marriage offer.’
‘Don’t worry.’ I grinned down at him. ‘My madness is undoubtedly and uniquely me.’
With that, I leant back into the room and shut the window. When I turned, Ella was staring at me, eyes wide.
‘There’s a prince outside my window?’
I sighed. Edmund and Ella really were meant for each other.
*~*~**~*~*
With every passing day, Ella improved. My hope soared, and along with it, Ella’s ravenous desire for answers. While she had still been weak, I’d been able to placate her. But now that she was able to sit on her own again and wasn’t spending half the day producing masses of merde, there was no stopping her.
‘It’s that army fellow, isn’t it? Captain Carter?’
I shook my head.
‘No.’
‘Are you sure?’ Ella sent me a suspicious look over the top of her glass. ‘He didn’t ask you?’
‘Oh, he asked me. I turned him down.’
She spat her water all over her covers. ‘You what?’
‘Turned him down. You know, down, the opposite of up?’
‘When was this?’
‘Last year, shortly before Christmas.’
‘But…but he…he’s…’ Raising her hands, she indicated the captain’s impressive measurements. ‘Half of the girls I know would kill to get his hands on him.’
‘They might just have to. He’s on another continent fighting rebels right now.’
‘Oh.’
She considered my words. Then she glanced up at me out of the corner of her eyes. ‘You really must love this other man.’
I held her eyes. ‘I do.’
‘How is he doing? Are his money troubles bad?’
My darling little sister. Even with curiosity eating her up from the inside, she still thought of others before herself. It was an admirable trait. It was also pretty darn funny in this case.
‘I think he’s doing all right,’ I said, trying not to start giggling like a headcase.
‘I see. But…’ Slipping a hand under her pillow, she pulled out her purse and fished out a coin. ‘Give him this when you next see him, will you? With my best wishes for his future.’
‘You have no idea how much this means to us,’ I
told her with a totally one hundred percent straight face. ‘You are the best sister I could wish for.’
‘Oh, Lill!’ Throwing her arms around me, she hugged me close. ‘I’m just so happy that you’ve finally found someone.’
‘Me too.’ I squeezed back. ‘Me too.’
‘There’s only one thing that’s missing to make everything perfect,’ she sighed.
‘And that is?’
‘His name!’
Grinning, I slipped out of her embrace and reached for the mug.
‘I think it’s time for another cup to drink, don’t you? We wouldn’t want the doctor to get angry.’
She sent me another glare. Over the last few days, my little sister had gotten surprisingly good at glaring. Maybe, if I kept up the suspense, she’d even let a curse slip eventually. Hope springs eternal, as Alexander Pope used to say.[54]
But, actually, was there a reason to still keep it from her? In the beginning I had refused to tell her, clinging to my irrational belief that anything, even curiosity, might help keep her alive. But she was well on her way back to health by now. There was no reason not to tell her about Mr Ambrose. After all, she had never met him and would have no preconceived notions. It wasn’t like with my best friend, Patsy, who had encountered him one day in Green Park at a women’s rights demonstration and…
Well, the less said about that meeting, the better.
So, one day, after I’d let her dangle for a few more days just for the fun of it, I drew up a chair next to her bed, sat myself down and took her hand.
‘Ella?’
‘Yes? It’s not time to drink again, is it? Honestly, Lil, I’m full! I feel like a blowfish.’
‘No, you’ve drunk enough for now, as the vicar said to the bishop barking at the moon on the tavern roof. I’m not here about that.’
‘No? Then what is it?’
‘Well…’ I gave her an innocent smile. ‘I remember you wanting to know the identity of a certain someone…’
Instantly, her hand latched onto me like a kraken’s tentacle. ‘Yes? Tell me!’
‘Very well, if you insist.’ Sitting up straight, I took a deep breath. ‘You might have heard of him before, so it might come as a little bit of a surprise. Just don’t get overexcited, will you? No one else knows yet, and I would like to refrain from telling them until we’re back in London.’
‘Yes, yes! Now tell me already!’
‘All right. The man I’m engaged to is—’
Behind me, the door to the room flew open. In the mirror beside the bed, I could see three formidable figures standing in the doorway, armed with parasols. Eve, Flora, and in the front, looking as if someone had just waved a red flag in front of her and her bull-instincts were kicking in, stood my best friend, Patsy.
‘Engaged? Who is engaged?’
-hit!
‘It’s Lilly!’ Ella, the little traitor, exclaimed, beaming brightly. ‘She’s finally met the right man. I’m so happy!’
Patsy’s face betrayed that she, too, was experiencing some intense emotion. However, happiness would probably not have been the right way to describe it.
‘Is that so?’ Her eyes sparkled like the stars on the night before Armageddon. ‘How fabulous.’
‘Ah. Um. Patsy.’ I cleared my throat. ‘So…the hotel manager found you?’
‘Yes, he did.’ She took a step forward, her parasol swinging menacingly. ‘Just in time, apparently.’
‘S-so nice of you to drop by. Won’t you take a seat? Would you like something to eat? A cup of tea?’
‘No, no.’ She waved. ‘Don’t let me interrupt. You were at “the man I’m engaged to is…”’
…the man who defeated you in a rhetoric battle and humiliated you in front of several hundred people in a public park?
But I didn’t say that. Unwise though it may seem, considering the last two years’ events, I hadn’t yet taken out a life insurance policy on myself.
‘Sahiba?’
I glanced to the door behind Patsy, already knowing who it would be. Never in my life had I been this glad to see that beard and turban, and the man who accompanied them everywhere! If there was one person who could take on Patsy and survive the battle, it was Karim.
I was so derailed by her sudden appearance that it took me a moment to realize – Did I just hear him call me Sahiba?
‘These females made their way upstairs, it appears, against the staff’s express instructions.’ The big Mohammedan stalked into the room. ‘Do you wish for them to be removed?’
‘Excuse me?’ Patsy puffed out her chest, which was bad news for her poor corset. ‘I will not allow myself to be manhandled! You touch me, and I’ll have the law on you!’
‘I,’ Karim said with an expression as deadpan as a pan in in a graveyard at the funeral of a fellow pan, ‘am so terribly afraid.’
Patsy turned purple and started sputtering like a defective teakettle. She was about to reach for her parasol, when I hurriedly jumped to my feet.
‘Um, Patsy? Allow me to introduce you to Karim. He was kind enough to drive Ella and me here. Without him, we probably wouldn’t have managed to escape the epidemic.’
Patsy’s hand froze halfway to her parasol. She eyed Karim suspiciously.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes. Quite sure.’
‘Damn!’ Sighing, Patsy let her hand drop. ‘I guess I can’t skewer him today, then.’
‘You won’t be able to tomorrow, either, woman,’ Karim shot back.
‘Don’t count on it, goatface!’
Karim gave her a look. The kind of look he’d probably learned from his employer.
Please don’t insult her back! Please! If you do, I won’t be able to vouch for the consequences.
He didn’t. He did something far worse.
‘I am above bandying words with mere women,’ he told her. And with that, he turned around and marched out of the room. Patsy stood there, mouth open, her face slowly turning a nice, explosive tomato colour. I could almost see the fuse sticking out of her head, shortly about to blow.
‘That…that…that…’
‘Man?’ I suggested
Patsy made a noise somewhere between a growl of a tiger and the trumpet of a charging regiment of cavalry. Grabbing her parasol tightly in both hands, she marched after Karim, slamming the door after her. Breathing a sigh of relief, I sank against the wall. Catastrophe averted! At least for now. Sooner or later, I would have to come clean to my best friend. But if possible, I’d like to do it in an open field with no easily breakable things around, like vases, siblings, or buildings.
When I opened my eyes again, I found Eve and Flora staring at me, eyes wide open and mouths no less so.
‘Engaged?’
With a lopsided little smile, I raised my hand to show the big ring dangling loosely from my ring finger.
Eve’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Good God! How big is he?’
My ears turned fire-red—which was probably not the smartest move. Eve’s eyebrows shot even higher, and a twinkle appeared in her eyes.
‘Lilly? Is there something you’d like to tell us?’
I cleared my throat. ‘Um, well, I…’
A devilish grin spread across Eve’s face. Flora and Ella meanwhile, bless them, looked perfectly puzzled.
‘Well, Lilly? Answer my question. How big is he?’
‘He, is, um…quite tall.’ I cleared my throat again. ‘Yes. Quite tall indeed.’
‘Especially when standing up?’
I kicked Eve against the shins.
‘I’ll tell you all you wish to know.’ Or, at least, all I can say without making my little sister faint. ‘But first…how about some tea and biscuits?’
*~*~**~*~*
I gazed out the window into the sunset, for the first time in many days taking time to appreciate how beautiful it was.
Especially since Ella will see more of them. Many more.
Night was falling, and my heart knew what that meant. It fl
uttered in eager anticipation at the knowledge. Any moment now. Any moment…
Plink!
‘What was that?’ Ella sat up in her bed, alarmed.
‘Nothing, nothing.’ I waved my hand and pulled up the window, sticking one leg out into the night. ‘Go back to sleep.’
‘Lilly! What are you…oh.’
I winked at her. ‘Exactly.’
Her eyes went wide. ‘He’s…out there? He came for you?’
‘He’s been here the whole time.’
Her eyes warmed and, reaching out a hand, she squeezed mine. ‘I’m so glad you’ve found yourself a good, kind man.’
I just about managed to stifle my laughter. Mr Rikkard Ambrose good and kind? But who was I to disabuse her of her notions if it helped her sleep with a smile on her face? Plus…Mr Ambrose actually occasionally could be kind. To me. Just not to himself or anybody else.
‘Can I meet him? Please? Please?’
‘No chance!’ I grinned evilly at Ella. ‘You’re still recuperating. You need to stay in bed.’
‘You’re wicked!’
‘And proud of it. Don’t worry. There’ll be plenty of time later.’
With that, I slid out the rest of the way, pulled the curtains shut to prohibit peeking, and closed the window. When I turned, it wasn’t difficult to make out Mr Ambrose’s dark silhouette against the burning sunset.
‘Miss Linton.’ He greeted me with a tip of his top hat that said more than a thousand smiles from another man. ‘I gather that matters have somewhat improved?’
In answer, I threw myself at him, hurling my arms around his neck and clinging to him like a limpet. ‘She’s going to survive! She’s going to survive! She’s going to survive!’
‘It appears my sources of information were correct, then.’
‘Yes, indeed, Sir,’ I managed through my tears. ‘They were absolutely correct.’
‘Adequate. Then you can cease staining my suit with your ocular fluids.’
I promptly wiped away my ocular fluids. Still, more tears kept coming. Glancing up at his stony visage, I hesitated. I didn’t know how he would take this. Finally, I took a deep breath and just spoke two words.
‘She knows.’