by J. L. Beck
Ⓒ Copyright 2019 J.L. Beck & Cassandra Hallman
Cover Art by: Black Widow Designs
Editing: Ellie Mclove at My Brothers Editor
All rights reserved. This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law.
Prologue
Emerson
I hate social gatherings, crowded spaces, places where there is nowhere to escape. It makes the suffocating fear that I live with every day that much thicker. My palms are sweaty against the glass I’m holding that is about to slip out of my hands, but just like the fear, if I clutch onto it any tighter, it might shatter under the pressure. I might shatter under the pressure. This is a normal occurrence though, something that I deal with every time my father drags me to one of these events. No, that’s a lie. This kind of debilitating fear follows me everywhere I go. Fear has been part of my life for so long that I don’t know what it feels like to live without it. It’s a second skin...now.
The need to escape consumes me and I try to take another step backward, but I’m already as close to the wall as I can get without going through it. My back is pressed against the smooth brick in the corner of the large room filled with some of my father’s biggest clients and business partners. In such a big space, one would think you wouldn’t feel alone, but I’m always alone, in the mental and physical form. Like a statue, I stand watching the people around me, they laugh and talk, mingling, some of them drinking alcohol or eating from the buffet. They do it so casually, like it’s second nature.
Sometimes I wish I could be part of that, part of the world around me, instead, I choose to seclude myself. I stay on the outside, looking through the window, but never going in. It’s easier that way, then I don’t have to explain myself, or face the cruel looks, or comments.
Most people here ignore me, knowing better than to make conversation and that’s really what I’m hoping for wherever I go. So when I see this six-foot, brown-haired, broad-chested guy heading right toward me, I wish for the wall to swallow me up. I’m more than shocked and scared.
I’m actually frozen in place. If I could run, I would, but because I can’t, I just stand there, my feet rooted into the floor as he steps closer.
What the hell is he doing?
“Hello beautiful,” he greets, stopping less than a foot away from me. His scent wafts into my nose as I suck in an anxious breath. The unknown boy slurs, his green eyes are just a little more glassy than they should be, leading me to the conclusion that the beer in his hand must not be his first one.
I crane my neck back and stare up at him in disbelief. Besides him looking a little drunk, he is extremely handsome, his jaw sharp, his cheeks high, an all-American look that reminds me of some of the guys I went to high school with, and from the way he carries himself, he knows it too.
My lips pressed together in a firm line. Even if I wanted to say something I couldn’t. When he realizes I’m not going to say anything, he continues, “I’m guessing the reason you’re hiding over here in the corner of the room, is because you’re bored like me?” He pauses briefly, tilting his head, amusement glittering in his eyes. An ache starts to form in my chest at the look. He’s so close, his scent surrounding me, suffocating me.
He licks his pink lips and then asks, “Wanna get out of here?” His gaze briefly lowering and raking over my body. There’s a knot of fear rising in my throat.
My heart rate picks up and my hands start to shake. “No, thank you,” I say quietly, my voice trembling. Please just go away.
I look past him, and around the room. People are listening to someone who just started speaking up front, all their backs turned to us. Oh, no. I can feel the fear slithering up my body, threatening to overtake me.
“Seriously, let’s go…baby. I promise, you won’t regret it,” he coaxes, everything about him screams confident and cocky, I’m sure he is not used to hearing no. Then he lifts a hand, dragging his fingers over my cheekbone and I nearly drop my glass at his touch. Fear and panic spreading up and up, sinking into my muscles and my lungs. I start shaking, my throat closes up and my knees wobble, knocking together. Air refuses to fill my lungs.
I’m suffocating.
He’s too close, too interested in me. His large body crowds my personal space and all I can think of is that he wants to hurt me.
No, that he is going to hurt me.
“Are you alright?” he suddenly asks, concern apparent in his tone. “You look like you’re about to pass out. Come on, let’s get some fresh air,” he announces, grabbing my arm and dragging my stiff body toward the back exit. No, no, no!
I try to dig my heels into the ground and pull my arm out of his grasp, but he’s too strong, and easily overpowers me. This can’t be happening. He practically picks me up and carries me outside the rest of the way. I know I should scream, but nothing makes it past the huge knot in my throat.
By the time we’re outside in the back alley, I’m experiencing a full-blown panic attack. I can’t speak, can’t breathe, and then my vision starts to blur. I clutch a hand to my chest, trying to swallow it all down, but I can’t. There’s too much. All I can feel is my heart beating out of my chest.
“Shit, I’m sorry, okay? Please calm down, I didn’t mean to scare you.” The mystery man’s voice sounds close, but somehow far away too, like he’s speaking through a tunnel.
“Seriously, I’m sorry… fuck… shit, okay, take a deep breath,” he orders, obviously not realize that’s what I’m trying to do.
“You need to breathe,” he says again, his voice taking on a much calmer tone.
I feel his hands on me now, one on my upper arm and one on my lower back. His touch is gentle, not sexual in any way, but I can’t help but be scared of it, nonetheless. My body never reacts to touch well, and his is no different. I want him to stop. I need him to take his hands off of me, but I can’t get the words out.
Like a fish out of water, I gasp for air, then the whole situation gets even worse. My shaking knees finally give out and my body crumbles to dirty alley ground. I’m waiting for the pain to shoot through me as I land on the unforgiving asphalt, but instead a pair of strong arms encase me.
And instead of removing his hands like I had hoped, he does something far worse and engulfs me in his touch. My whole body finding its way pressed up against his. This is bad, horrible, terrible. Unable to do anything else, I bury face into his firm chest and let him wrap his strong arms around my torso, as if doing so will keep from shattering into a million pieces.
His fingers rub soothing circles over my back, and though I can’t make out exactly what he’s saying over the erratic beat of my heart in my ears, I know he’s whispering reassuring words in my ear. To any passersby, this would look like a simple lover’s embrace, even though it’s far from it. At the very least it won’t draw any attention.
After a few moments, I finally calm down enough to understand him again. “It’s okay, you’re okay. Just breathe, no one is going to hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you,” he continues saying and something in his voice makes it sound like a promise. Almost as if he is going to make certain of it.
This strange current ripples through me and for the first time in a long time, I believe what someone is telling me. I trust in his words, the words of this stranger I have never met. I don’t remember the
last time I trusted anyone, and I don’t understand why I’m trusting him of all people right now, but something inside of me does. Something inside of me knows he is telling me the truth. That he won’t hurt me or let anyone else do so either.
In my mind, I see him as a knight, with a sword and noble steed willing to slay my biggest fears.
Knowing this, I will myself to breathe, to fill my lungs with air, and to my surprise, air makes it into my burning lungs. I blink, confused as to how this stranger has somehow managed to break through the foggy panic.
Slowly, breathing becomes easier again. With every breath that passes my lips, I’m becoming more and more aware of the scent of the guy who is holding me. He smells nice, fresh and clean like soap with a hint of aftershave that’s not overbearing like most men wear it.
He feels like home, I tell myself. Letting my eyes drift closed, I concentrate on that scent and on how warm his skin feels radiating through his dress shirt, how protected I feel with his arms wrapped around me and how soothing the sound of his heartbeat is beneath my ear.
I don’t know how long we stay like this, all I know is that I have never been able to calm down this fast from a panic attack. Normally these kinds of things end with me crying on the floor for hours, gasping for air while curled in the fetal position, before either literally passing out or simply falling asleep from exhaustion. And while this is different, and I should be terrified, I’m not, nothing about this mysterious man scares me anymore.
Comforting myself in the confession, I sink into him even farther, letting him soak up all my fears and sorrows like a sponge. I can’t explain why, but this man makes me feel safe and I grasp on to the foreign feeling, hoping the moment won’t end… but as always, I’m disappointed.
After a short time that felt like an eternity, he pulls away, not fully, but a few inches, so he can look at my face. I can’t bring myself to look at him, to look into his eyes, so instead, I concentrate on his pink, firm lips, as they move. “Are you okay? I really didn’t mean to freak you out. I’m sorry, seriously.” His words are heartfelt, genuine.
“I’m okay,” I rasp.
“I’m such a douche bag.” He shakes his head, and for some reason, I don’t like the idea of him beating himself up over this, it’s not his fault.
“It’s okay… it’s not your fault,” I stuttered, unable to grasp onto it at that moment. It’s my least favorite thing about having anxiety, aside from having the actual anxiety. It gives me away and makes people look and act shitty toward me. It puts a target on my back.
“It is my fault though…” He expels a harsh breath, and I peered up at him, allowing myself to finally meet his gaze. Hazel eyes reflect back at me, their depth endless like a forest full of trees. I want to get lost in his eyes, forget about all the bad in my life, but even he couldn’t create that kind of magic. He might be special but he’s not capable of that.
His thick brows furrow and his lips start to move again.
“Does this happen a lot?”
“Yes,” I confess, unsure as to why I’m telling a total stranger this. “I’m okay now, really… I…I… should go back inside.”
I don’t know what just happened between us but I’m not stupid enough to believe that he can save me. No one can save me. I’m doomed, forever trapped in a world of panic, of fear.
Trembling, I tell myself that I need to get back inside before my father notices that I’m gone, before anyone notices, though I’m sure I could disappear and no one would even notice.
“Okay,” he says apprehensively, letting go of me slowly like I’m an animal that might turn around and attack him. Without his strong arms, or soothing touch, the panic starts to rise, but it’s a much more manageable feeling this time, and even though it feels like I’m detaching a part of myself from him I pull away, taking a step backward. The space between us feels like an ocean and even though I want to run back into his arms, I force my feet into the concrete.
“Thanks…” I mumble, wiping my sweaty hands over the front of my dress.
“Yeah, no problem,” he says, oozing confidence that I wish I had. He runs a hand through his brown locks, that I now notice are cut stylishly, a little longer on top and shorter on the sides. I turn on my ballet flat-covered feet and start walking toward the door. Of course fate would push me into the arms of a knight, only to pull me out of his embrace and shove me back into my nightmare of a life.
“Wait, at least tell me your name?” he calls after me.
My hand hovers on the metal door handle and I consider turning around to tell him my name, to give him at least that one memory of me, but at the last second, I choose against it and open the door, escaping inside.
With my heart galloping in my chest, and the brand of his touch forever ingrained in my mind, I retreat back to my corner, and wait for the nightmare to be over. At least if I can’t have the white knight, I can have the memories of him…
Chapter One
Clark
“I still don’t understand why this chick has to stay with us? Just make her stay in the dorms like a normal student,” I say, grumbling into the speaker of my cell. I’ve got enough chicks chasing me around, trying to get me to fuck them a second, or third time. The last thing I need is to fuck up and end up screwing some chick that has to live with me for the school year.
“Clark, I told you, she is not a normal student and I told her father that I would do this for him as a favor. I owe him big time and he needs my help now, so I’m offering it. Don’t be a spoiled prick, or so help me. I want you to welcome Emerson into our home. She is a nice girl, very kind, she just struggles a bit socially.”
I roll my eyes at my father’s words. Struggles a bit socially? What the hell does that mean? How can someone struggle socially? Either she has her nose stuck in a book and is a bitch, or maybe she’s both?
“Need I remind you what I can do to you, son. Remember, that fancy car you’re driving and the big house we live in, we got those things because of my business and Emerson’s father was someone who helped me get that business started. He’s not just a business associate but a friend also, and he is struggling now and I’m not going to let him down because my son is an asshole. Get yourself together, and befriend the girl.”
My jaw clenches at his tone of voice. He’s not even warning me, he’s all but saying, ‘do as you’re told, or I’ll rip the rug right out from underneath you’ and if there’s anything I hate, it’s when my father who’s normally absent from my wrongdoings and life, telling me what to do.
“Yeah, yeah, I got it. I’ll put my nice pants on and show the girl around, like I have nothing better to do.” In fact, I really don’t have anything better to do, but he doesn’t need to know that.
“One other thing…” he muffles into the phone, and I clenched my fist at my side, the muscles of my bicep tightening. I’m ready to swing it into the drywall. “Do not, under any circumstances try to have sex with her. I promised her father that my son would keep his dick to himself and I expect you to do just that. You have more than enough women to choose from. Befriend her and nothing more. Got it?”
I almost laugh at his words. He should know better than to assume that pussy is hard for me to get. It’s like breathing, sleeping, eating. It’s second nature.
“Don’t worry, Dad, I’m not looking for any hookups right now, and if I was, there are plenty of girls lined up waiting for this stud,” I joke, but it’s not really a joke…more of a confession.
A few weeks ago his warning would have made perfect sense, but ever since I met this mystery girl at that company fundraiser my dad made me go to, random chicks have become less and less appealing to me. I tried to get the red-haired, blue-eyed, freckle-faced beauty out of my head by screwing other coeds but either my cock is broken, or I am, because since that night, I haven’t been able to forget her. How her slim body felt in my embrace or her honeysuckle scent that I swear I can still smell sometimes.
She’s like a ghost,
haunting me through my days.
“Alright, son. I’ll call you later to see how everything went. Please do your best not to fuck this up,” my father says gruffly before hanging up. I pulled the phone away from my ear and stare at the screen for a moment. The asshole didn’t even say bye. I shouldn’t be surprised. He hasn’t given a fuck about me since Mom died and God knows he doesn’t have to tell me that he thinks I’m going to mess up. I already know what he thinks about me, that I’m a no-good son who can’t do anything right.
Unreliable, brash, cocky, impulsive. He’s got a long list of words he’s called me, and none of them include good son, or I’m proud of you. I’m more about making his life harder than making it easier and it will remain that way most likely for the rest of my life. I know he doesn’t think much of me. Well good, the feeling is mutual.
Heading for the kitchen, I pull out all the stuff for a sandwich and start shoving the ingredients between two pieces of bread. Then I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and head for the basement. It’s where I do all the shit I shouldn’t do.
Weed, girls, partying, you name it, it’s probably taken place in my basement. Dropping down onto the leather sectional, I take a bite of sandwich and place the water bottle in the cupholder. I contemplate calling Vance, my best friend and confidant, but decide against it. I don’t want to explain the puppy dog named Emerson that is my responsibility for the next few days. Once I have her stowed away and settled in then maybe I’ll consider it.
All I know is I need to keep this girl and my personal life far away from each other. There is no way in hell I’m letting the girl with social struggles, as my father called them, cramp my style.
Lifting the sandwich, I bring it to my mouth, ready to take another bite when the doorbell rings. I roll my eyes and clench my jaw. Of course she is fucking early, if this isn’t a sign of things to come, I don’t know what is. Sighing, I drop the sandwich back down onto the plate and get up and walk up the stairs. Chicks I can handle, chicks that I can’t screw, not so much. And since I can’t dip my dick inside of her, then I’m going to have to resort to being an asshole.