by J. L. Beck
“I’m sorry, Em. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m stupid, so damn stupid.” I press a fist to the side of my head, willing my brain to override my physical need for her. It shouldn't be hard, but it is, it’s so hard. Her big blue eyes peer into mine, and shame coats my insides. I'll do better, try harder, for her, all for her.
Then she starts to pull away from me, the loss of her touch is immediate.
“I’m going to get ready for class,” she says as she gets up from the bed. Helplessly, I watch her walk into her bathroom, finally noticing the oversized flannel PJs she’s wearing.
The door closes, and the lock clicks into place, ending the conversation. Fuck. I want to punch something, mainly myself for being so selfish, for acting without thought. With no idea on how to make this right, I retreat into my bedroom. I’ve failed her, just like I failed my mom. Sagging down onto the bed, I tell myself this can never happen again.
If I’m going to protect Emerson, care for her, and make sure she’s safe then I’ll have to protect her from everyone, including myself.
◆◆◆
Breakfast is painfully quiet, and I keep my face all but buried in a bowl of cereal I made. Neither of us looks at each other on the ten-minute drive to campus and I can feel the tension in every muscle of my body.
As I’m parking, I can feel Emerson’s eyes on me. Do I look at her? Ask her if she’s okay? I fucked up so bad this morning, and all I want to do is find a solution to fix it.
“You don’t have to walk me to class.” Emerson’s soft voice wraps around me. I try to hide the fact that I’m a little sad that she doesn’t want me to walk her to class but swallow it down. What she wants, and what she’s going to get are two very different things. I don’t care what happened this morning I’m going to make sure she gets to where she’s going in one piece.
“I do, and I will. I fucked up this morning, and I’m going to find a way to make it better starting now.” I exit the car, slinging my backpack over my shoulder before helping her out of the passenger seat. Peering down at her, I stare at the dusting of freckles along her nose. I want to kiss each one, to make a promise to her with each one.
She looks nervous, her perfectly straight teeth nibbling on her bottom lip, a lip I tasted this morning. Cherries. Sweet. Tart. Cherries. That’s what she tastes like. Licking my lips, I force the thought away, refusing to think about the moment that forced me to have to start all over again. I need to be stronger.
“Don’t be nervous,” I tell her with a smile as we walk in the direction of the biology building.
“That’s easier said than done,” she mumbles, her eyes trained on the sidewalk. When we reach the building, I grab onto the strap of my backpack in an effort to stop myself from reaching out for her, from hugging her, from touching her.
“I’ll see you after class, okay?” I say, gathering a few lingering glances.
“Yeah,” Emerson says, walking away from me, her head still hanging low. I feel like a parent sending their kid off to school for the first time, my stomach filled with bricks of anxiety. Once I see her enter the double doors, I make my way to my own classroom that happens to be in the building next to hers.
Thank fuck. I’m glad my class isn’t across campus from hers.
Walking into the classroom and up the steps, I take my usual spot in the back of the room. Unzipping my bag, I pull out my book, a notebook, and a pen. Not even two minutes later, Vance walks in, slamming down into the seat next to me.
“You gonna explain the rest to me now?” is the first thing out of his mouth.
“Good morning to you too,” I snap back.
“Yeah, yeah… morning sunshine. Now tell me what the fuck is going on?”
My molars clash together. “It’s complicated.”
“You already said that. Now tell me why you’re pretending to be her boyfriend? Is your dad forcing you to do this? Is she paying you? You aren’t in love, are you?” Fuck, he’s not going to let this go. I should have known Vance wouldn’t. I could have saved myself the little runaround speech I was going to give him at my house.
Feeling Vance’s eyes on me, impatience bleeding out of them I sigh, slouching down in my chair.
“The only thing my dad has to do with this is that he scared Emerson and that’s why I got the condo for us. It’s not that big of a deal, really. I planned on moving out anyway. She was uncomfortable living with my dad, hell she is uncomfortable around everybody if you haven't noticed. So that just pushed me to make the move sooner.”
Vance’s green eyes narrow. “She looked really nervous when we were there, like she has something to hide.”
I almost laugh, if only he knew. Vance is a good judge of character usually, but after the incident with Ava and him losing his damn mind over their brutal past, he seems to think everyone is lying in some way shape or form.
“She’s always nervous, and she does have things she is hiding, everyone does, but it’s not what you think.” I’m hovering between wanting to tell him what’s wrong with her without telling him anything private. I don’t want her to think I’m some asshole that goes around telling people about her personal life.
Vance stares at me his gaze, boring into mine as he waits for me to finish.
“She had a rough start to life, okay? It left her with panic attacks and some other crap to deal with. She doesn’t do well around people, social anxiety or some shit like that, but for some fucking reason, she does well around me… most of the time, anyway. When I’m not fucking it up. I don’t know what happened to her, and I’m sure she’s not going to tell me but either way, it fucked her up. I’m just trying to be a decent friend, trying to protect her however I can.”
The words seem foreign as they come out of my mouth. I’ve never taken notice of a girl for who she was, never settling down, or caring enough to have an actual conversation, one that didn’t at least end with my cock stuffed in their mouth, or pussy.
“You aren’t fucking her? And she isn’t using you?”
A bubble of laughter passes my lips. “I’m not fucking her, and she isn’t using me, no. The condo was my idea, the shopping, all of it. I want to keep her close, but not suffocate her.”
Vance looks at my face like he is trying to crack some kind of code. After another second, his facial features soften. “Okay, I’ll try my best to be nice to her. I was just worried about you, man. Your dad’s a real douchebag, just like mine and honestly seeing you around a chick that you weren’t trying to have sex with was weird.”
“I know, and that’s the only reason why I didn’t throat punch you yesterday.”
Vance snorts beside me like I’ve said something funny.
“You wish you could throat punch me. Remember the last time I slugged you?”
Rubbing at my jaw as if I can still feel the pain from his knuckles there I smile. Ava. The first girl we ever fought over, the last girl. Vance thought I wanted his girl, and maybe at first, I did. Then she shot me down, pushing us forever into the friend zone. Which was okay with me since deep down I knew Vance wanted her. He was just too damn stubborn to admit it.
“Yeah, asshole, I fondly remember your douchebag fist connecting with my jaw.”
“Exactly, so think again before punching me prick…” Vance gives me a malicious grin before turning back toward the board. The professor starts to talk, and immediately I space out. My thoughts drifting to someone else, somewhere else. I have to stop thinking about her like this, like she’s some trophy I’m going to win.
She’s a friend, a girl who needs me, who doesn’t want my cock, social status, or money. She just wants a friend, a protector. You can do this, Clark. Curling my hand into a fist, I press it against my temple willing the thoughts of her naked against my sheets away. Her bright red hair fanned out against my pillow, her breathless moans filtering into my ears, with her sweet taste lingering against my tongue. Stop. I scream to myself, barely holding on to my sanity.
As if sensing my discomfort, V
ance leans over. “You okay?”
“Yup,” I say, lying through my teeth. I’m far from okay, so far I’m not even sure where okay is anymore. The class seems to drag on forever, my thoughts swirling around and around like water that refuses to go down the drain.
When the professor finally dismisses us, with an assignment that I never heard, I can’t get out of my seat fast enough. I stand, shoving my shit into my backpack.
“Bye loser,” Vance hollers as he rushes down the stairs and out the double doors no doubt meeting Ava somewhere. I’m not far behind him, bounding down the stairs with excitement and nervous anxiety, and all for one girl. One girl that I can’t have.
I make it two steps out the door before some girl cuts me off. Holly. I try and think back to when I first met her...some party. She brushes her long blonde hair over her shoulder and my move with the motion.
I think her name is Holly. The light bulb goes off inside my head. Yes, I remember now, big tits Holly. My eyes wander down her body to her way too large boobs on her tiny frame.
Yeah, I remember those tits.
“Hey Clark, I haven't seen you around,” she pouts, her red painted lip jutting out into a frown.
“Yeah, I’ve been busy.” I give her a monotone answer while continuing to stare at her tits. Maybe if I fuck this chick really quick. I wouldn’t be so horny around Em all the time. I could just take some pressure off. Mellow out a bit. It’d be so easy to do.
“What are you doing right now? Want to get a second breakfast?” Her voice enticing, teasing. I still haven’t taken my eyes off her double d’s.
Fuck, my dick must be broke. The sucker doesn’t even stir at the sight before me.
“Come on Clark… I know a classroom that’s empty right now, we could go and…” She steps closer, placing one of her well-manicured fingers on my chest, trailing it down over my shirt covered abs. My tongue darts out over my bottom lip, as I notice her hardened nipples strain against her shirt. I could do whatever I wanted to her right now. A thought that two weeks ago would have had my dick so hard it would have broken my zipper off. A thought that now has, my cock flatter than an airless balloon.
Yup, definitely broke.
Her overpowering perfume scent invades my nostrils, making me sick to my stomach.
No, I don’t want her, not even a little bit.
“Sorry, not today. Maybe another time,” I say, trying not to be rude, because I already know there won’t be another time. Holly’s pout deepens. I know she wasn’t expecting that, expecting me to turn her down, but even with her tits right in front of me, I can’t bother to get hard. My cock wants someone else, someone forbidden, off limits.
Emerson.
Shaking my head, I look away from Holly, my eyes catching on something, no not something, someone over her shoulder. Wild red hair and a heart-shaped face with two big blue orbs collide with mine. The air in my lungs evaporates. She’s so fucking beautiful, without a spec of make up, and in a pair of loose fitting jeans and too big sweatshirt she should be the least attractive girl in sight, and yet I can’t seem to pull my gaze away from her.
Holly peers over her shoulder, her eyes finding the person who stole my attention. Jealousy flickers in her eyes. Shit. This is bad. I move to step away from her, but at the last second, she catches me wrapping a slim arm around my neck, pulling me down, sending out lips crashing against each other’s.
I freeze, stunned, my eyes still on Emerson’s face, a face that is now brimming with horror and sadness. With two hands, I gently shove at Holly, pushing her away, but it’s too late. Emerson has seen the kiss and is now turning to walk away. Fuck, no.
This cannot be happening right now. Brushing past Holly, I all but run across the grass, but it’s too late, Emerson is already running away from me her red locks blowing in the wind, leaving behind nothing but the linger of her scent.
Anger boils inside of me. How the hell am I going to do this? I can’t just fuck her out of my system, not when I can barely kiss her, or touch her. Clenching my hand into a tight fist, I slam it into the nearest wall, which happens to be a brick one.
Fuck my fucking life.
Chapter Eight
Emerson
I shouldn’t care. Clark is not mine and he never will be, but for some reason seeing that blonde plant her lips on his hurt. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.
Even as I run, my hair blowing in the wind I can still feel the pain in my chest. It’s like a dull knife has been left in my chest, the pulsing pain mounting with every breath I take.
Emotions I don’t understand assault me. Red hot jealousy coming to the forefront. Jealousy? To be jealous, I would have to be developing feelings and I'm not. I could never… Clark isn’t the kind of man I would ever go for, and dating it will never happen. I’m too broken, too afraid to develop a physical connection with a man.
I barrel around the corner, my cheeks heated, and my hands fisted at my side. My mind is clouded with this strange feeling so much so that I don't even see the two people walking toward me until it’s almost too late. I gasp a few inches before I run face first into one of them, we both halt.
“Emerson,” Ava shrieks, clutching onto her chest, her green gaze widening.
“I’m sorry. I… I’m in a hurry. I wasn’t watching where I was going,” I apologize, feeling ten times worse than I did before. Way to go. Take out your friends before you even make them.
“It’s okay, you just scared the shit out of me, that’s all,” she starts giggling. In my mind I know the normal thing to do would be to chime in, join in on her laughter, but in that moment, I feel more like crying than laughing. Unable to make the corners of my mouth go up even slightly, I fight the tears that are knowingly glistening in my eyes.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. All of this, college, my past, Clark, it all sits heavily on my chest, making it hard to breathe. Where did I even plan on going when I ran away from him? I don’t know anyone here. The last thing I need to do is find myself having a panic attack in the middle of the sidewalk.
I feel Ava’s eyes on me, watching me wearily. I hate that everyone looks at me like I'm scared animal or something. I wish I didn’t have anxiety… I wish I didn’t fear people, touch, or happiness… I wish he never…
“Hey, you okay?” Ava’s voice breaks through my thoughts.
“Yeah, I’m fine—”
“No, you’re not,” she cuts me off, clearly not buying my runaround excuse. It’s then that I notice there is a person standing beside her. Vance. He’s watching me, his lips pulled into a thin line, his glossy hair disheveled like he’s been running his fingers through it or maybe Ava has, the leather jacket he’s wearing is sculpted perfectly to his body, encasing his upper body like a glove. He’s unnaturally quiet, and the green in his eyes darkens when he sees me watching him.
“Why don’t we go have some coffee?” Ava’s question pulls my attention back to her. Lifting her hand, she places it gently on my upper arm. I can feel the panic rising inside me, slithering through my veins like a snake. I glance over at Vance once more and before I can answer, Ava’s mouth opens again. “Just us two, Vance was just leaving.”
Ava makes a motion with her eyes that says get out of here.
“I was?” Vance questions, a thick brow raised, then as if he remembers something he continues, “Oh yeah, that… yes. I better get going. I’ll see you around, Emerson. Love you, babe,” he tells Ava and gives her a quick kiss on the corner of her mouth. Their interaction though short is sweet and I can only hope that someday I’ll get to experience love or at least some semblance of it.
“Come on, let’s go have a coffee and a brownie from the coffee place around the corner. Both will cheer you up, I promise,” Ava insists. Grabbing onto my hand, she starts walking tugging me along the sidewalk until I fall into step beside her. For being such a tiny girl, she’s got a lot of strength behind her.
The walk to the coffee shop takes less than two minutes and as so
on as we enter the door, the bell above it chimes. The smell of coffee penetrates my nostrils calming the ache in my chest. It’s so strange what a scent can do to you, the memories good and bad it can stir. Two of my favorites are books and coffee.
We order two coffees, one with extra sugar since I like my coffee on the sweeter side, and one with three creams as well as two brownies at the counter before finding a table next to the window. The coffee shop is quiet, and a hidden gem as Ava calls it among the college coeds. Most of the people that come here come to study, or just mellow out.
As soon as we’re seated Ava turns to me, her hands cupped underneath her chin, “What’s going on?”
I shrug, chewing on the inside of my cheek. “Nothing. I had my first class today. I have another one this afternoon, but that’s it for the day. I decided to go light my first semester.” For more than one reason.
“First days can be tough, I know all about that believe it or not…you wouldn’t believe my story if I told you.” There’s a faraway look that appears in her eyes. “I promise it will get easier, there’s only one way you can go and that's up. Once you settle in, make some friends, everything will work itself out.” Ava sounds so confident, so sure of herself that I almost do believe her, but then reality smacks me in the face and I remember who I am and that I’m not like her, not normal. Not by a long shot.
“I don’t think so. I’m not good at making friends, at least not easily,” I tell her, nibbling on the edge of my brownie.
“I disagree, I’m your friend and that happened quickly and with ease,” she implores. “Even Vance likes you.”
My eyes bug out of my head at her confession and she grins at me as she takes a bite of her brownie.
“Vance likes me?” Could’ve fooled me. I’m not even sure he likes himself.
“He does, in his own, Vance kind of way.”
“Well, his idea of like and my idea of like must be two different things.”
Ava burst out into laughter, which makes me smile. She reminds me of the sun with her shiny chestnut brown hair and blemish-free skin that has this radiant glow about it.