by J. L. Beck
As if he can hear the question I’m asking, he says, “It’s my dad.”
Grabbing the blanket from the foot of the bed, I drape it over my naked body. I know his dad can’t see me through the phone, but I still somehow feel weird knowing Clark is talking to his father and also looking at my naked body.
I’m covered nearly covered up when Clark answers the phone bringing it to his ear.
“What?” he growls into the speaker. If it wasn’t clear before that he was angry about his father’s phone call, it is when I hear the tone of his voice.
“I don’t want to do any more shit for you.” He squeezes his eyes shut, frustration marring his handsome face. After a pause, he sighs, “Fine, I’ll be there. I’ll ask her but if she says no, then you are going to leave her alone. She doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to.”
He hangs up the phone and looks over to where I’m still sitting on his bed. Maybe I should’ve gotten up by now, but I can’t bring myself to leave the bed yet. I want what happened between us to resonate within me for as long as it can. I don’t want to let go of the feelings, of the way it felt to be taken care of, instead of being taken advantage of.
With a grim look, Clark says, “There is this charity event at the clubhouse at the end of the month. Our dads want us to go… I already said I would go, but you don’t have to, you can stay here or hang out with Ava if you want.”
Does he not want me to go? My brow furrows. Maybe he wants to go with someone else?
“You don’t have to take me,” I assure him. “You can take someone else. We don’t have to pretend anymore.”
“Em, you still don’t get it, do you?” He gets into the bed beside me, taking my hand and holding it to his chest over his thundering heartbeat. “I want you. I want you and no one else. We aren’t pretending anymore. This is real.”
There’s a pause and I’m not sure what I should say….
“Go with me, be my plus one, my date, my girlfriend…for real this time.”
I’m sure my eyes are bugging out of my head right now, but I can’t wrap my mind around what he just asked me. Doesn’t he know that I’m broken, that I’ll never be like the other girls he’s dated?
“I don’t know…” I whisper.
Tipping my chin upward with one finger, he stares into my eyes. “Think about it. We have time. You don’t have to decide right now, just know that in my mind, in my heart, you’re already mine.”
And if I wasn't already falling for him, I am now. The only thing standing in our way…
My secret.
Chapter Thirteen
Clark
The next week passes in a flurry and we fall into a routine. Emerson seems happier and more relaxed every day. Coming out of her shell right before my eyes. I see her smile more and worry less. Her anxiety seemingly held at bay by whatever it is that has been growing between us and I’m grateful for that. Elated to see her overcoming all of her fears.
Emerson has slept in my bed every night since that morning she let me make her come. But all we’ve done since that day is sleep. Most nights, I hold her in my arms, and occasionally we kiss. It’s PG as hell, but I don’t want to push her or make her think that she has to have sex with me. I’m content with whatever she’s comfortable with. The only thing that matters to me is making sure she’s happy and unafraid.
The thought of not caring for sex anymore almost makes me laugh out loud. Two months ago, if someone would have told me that I would be fine not having sex with a girl that I wanted to fuck and instead just cuddle, I would have told them to fuck off with their craziness. But it’s not crazy, not entirely. I’ve come to realize that there is so much more than sex. All it took was Emerson for me to see it.
I’ve made certain everyone sees us together, as an item, so we’ve been holding hands everywhere we go. I’ve even landed a kiss or two, proving to anyone and everyone that I’m playing when it comes to her. At first, people stared, but now most have stopped looking at us. Sarah and her posse of friends have left Emerson alone completely and the few times we’ve been stared at by someone else I’ve had to suppress the urge to dish out some throat punches.
I’m not violent by any means, but I won’t let any more of the fuckers at this school hurt her, or think shitty of her because of me. Instead, I’ll start knocking heads together until the asswipes get the idea.
“Who are you strangling in your head?” Vance asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Anyone who looks funny at Em,” I tell him as some guy kneels in front of me measuring my leg. Professional as can be, he doesn't even react to our conversation. Then again, I wouldn’t expect any different from a man that my father hires.
Vance leans back against the leather sofa, a curious look in his eyes. “I’ve never seen you like this before… with a girl… I mean.”
“I’ve never seen you like this before either… with Ava… I mean,” I mock.
“Well I knew eventually I would find someone to hold my attention, but you’ve never, and I mean never as long as I’ve known you cared to lay claim to a girl.”
The guy in front of me measures my other leg, and I stare at myself in the mirror. The more I think about it, the more I feel like it wasn’t just Emerson who changed, who came out of her shell. It was me too.
“What changed?” Vance adds, his head tipped back and his eyes on the ceiling.
“Her. She changed me. Just like Ava changed you, Emerson changed me. Not to sound like a pussy or anything, but she made me realize there is more to life than just a quick fuck.”
“You do sound like a pussy, but I get what you’re saying.”
“Since you’re already revoking my man card for growing a heart, I should tell you that I asked her to by my girlfriend. For real this time.”
“Did you send a note asking her to mark the box next to yes, no, or maybe too?” Vance snorts, of course he couldn’t leave his asshole ways at home.
“I’m about to throw some scissors at you. I’m fucking serious.”
“What did she say?” Vance tries to sound interested, but we both know he’d rather eat glass than talk relationships with me. Too fucking bad I don’t care what he wants. Our friendship knows no bounds. I’ve seen that fucker broken, angry, drunk, you name it.
“She said that she would think about it.”
“Ouch,” Vance responds dramatically.
I can’t help but roll my eyes. “You’re a douchebag you know that, right? She’s just scared. She told me once that she’s scared of needing me and then losing me. I don’t know how to prove to her that I’m not going anywhere.”
“If you are asking me for advice, I’m afraid I don’t have any to give you. I mean, you know I don’t have the greatest track record with relationships and to be honest I’m still not sure how I got so lucky with Ava. I’m still a major asshole to everyone and I’ll probably fuck up a million times, but I guess just be there.” He shrugs. “If she thinks you’re going to run and hide, then always make sure you’re there.”
My face deadpans. “I thought you said you weren’t going to give me advice.”
“Wasn’t advice, it’s just common sense.”
“You are right, you are a major asshole.”
“That’s all you took away from that.” He shakes his head. “You’re dumber than I thought.”
Lifting my hand, I give him the middle finger.
He smirks, looking every bit as angry, and brooding as he wants everyone to see him. But as his best friend, I see more than that. I see him, all of him.
“Thanks for being a good friend, fuckface.”
“Anytime, asshole, now are you done with the fancy bullshit. I’m hungry and I promised Ava I would pick her up some frappe, latte, coffee bullshit on the way back.” He starts to type on his phone, most likely texting Ava, since that’s the only person besides myself that will deal with his ass.
“Yeah, should be finished soon,” I tell him, letting my thoughts shift back t
o Emerson. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I tell myself that I’ll win her heart, and prove to her we’re worth a shot. She’s scared, but I’m determined to shatter that fear. I’ll save her, protect her, support her the way everyone else in her life should’ve.
◆◆◆
I feel like an idiot from some sappy romantic movie standing in the living room all alone holding onto the flowers I bought Emerson. I should throw them away before she comes out of her room and sees them. What if she doesn’t even like flowers? Running a hand through my hair, I exhale a nervous breath.
This is stupid. I have no reason to be nervous. It’s probably just this stupid tux I have to wear, the jacket feels like a straitjacket hindering my every move. I can barely fucking breathe. The better option would’ve been to tell my father to shove this charity dinner up his ass, but since it’s in honor of my mother, and to raise awareness for depression and anxiety I decided to bite my tongue. That doesn’t mean I can’t wait to be out of this monkey suit, and for the night to be over, where it’s just Emerson and me in the bed together.
Tightening my grip on the flowers, I will away the nervous butterflies filling my abdomen, but when the soft click of the door opening echoes down the hall and into the room, the butterflies multiply instead of leaving me. Fuck me.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to puke. Sweat beads against my forehead and I can’t imagine what I look like right now. Emerson steps into the hallway and starts walking toward me and every thought in my head disappears into thin air. The air stills in my lungs and I swear my heart actually skips a beat, forgetting how to beat in a normal rhythm.
What is up or down? What’s my name? I couldn’t even tell you. All I see is her.
I’m mesmerized like a moth drawn to a trickle of light I can’t look away. She’s wearing a floor-length pale purple gown, the fabric falling off her shoulders, showing off the delicate skin around her collarbone and neck. There’s a soft dusting of freckles across the skin that I want to press kisses to. She looks like an angel, so completely out of place in this mundane condo. Her red hair is soft and curled at the ends.
She’s, if perfection was a person, she would be it.
“Clark? Are you okay?” She breaks the silence, her voice bringing me back down to earth.
“Yeah, I… you… you look beautiful,” I say, because it’s the only words I can think of right now, even though I know that, that one singular word doesn't do her justice. Gorgeous? Breathtaking? Devine? Not even all of those words combined would be enough.
“Thank you, you look nice too. Very handsome… and proper.” She giggles softly, the sound zinging straight to my cock.
Not now, asshole. There’s barely any room in this godforsaken thing for me to breathe let alone for the stupid organ to get hard. I notice Emerson’s eyes falling to something in my hands. I look down, my mind having gone blank and realize then that I’m still holding onto the flowers.
“Oh, shit, the flowers, right, these are for you,” I state the obvious, holding out the small bouquet to her. She takes it and brings the flowers to her nose, smelling the colorful arrangement.
“Thank you,” she whispers, peeking up at me through her lashes. “They’re beautiful.” I watch her put the flowers into the vase I had already set out on the table. With her back turned to me, I wipe my sweaty palms down the front of my slacks.
“Ready to go?” I ask her when she twists back around to face me again. She nods and gives me a warm smile as I usher her outside and into the car. Once I’m in the car and shut the door behind me, a wave of her flowery scent slams into me and for a moment I feel drugged, fighting the urge to lean over and kiss her. My mouth waters like I’ve been offered a juicy steak but haven’t eaten in thirty days. I’m starving, but I’ll gladly starve another thirty days if I have to. Later. I’ll have all the time in the world to kiss later. I can’t think about peeling that dress off of her body right now. Later. Starting the truck up, I grip the steering wheel tightly and pull out of the driveway. I’m trying not to be to tense, but it’s easier said than done.
Tonight I’ll have to pretend, to care about my father, about his colleges, about the stupid country club.
“Are you sure you’re okay? If you don’t want me to go—”
“No,” I interrupt her before she can finish, the word coming out more like a yell. She jumps a little in her seat, her big blue eyes going wide. Forcing myself to soften my voice and let go of some of the tension in my muscles, I reach across the seat and take her hand into mine.
“No, I want you here. It’s not you. You being here tonight is literally the only thing I’m looking forward to. Matter of fact, you are what I look forward to every day. I want to be with you all the time, Em.”
“You say that now, but you don’t know… you don’t know everything yet.”
“Nothing you tell me will scare me away. You can tell me everything when you are ready to talk about it. Right now, I know all I need to. I want to be with you, for real, no pretend. I know you are scared, but you don’t have to be. You won’t lose me. Ever.”
“Clark…”
“I’m begging you to give me a chance. Never in my life have I had to work so hard for a date.” Slightly frustrated, I park the truck in the parking lot of the country club, the drive taking far less time then I wanted it to.
Turning in the seat, Emerson stares at me, one second, then two, then another. I’m pretty sure I’ve scared her away. Fucking Christ. I clench my hand into a fist. I really want to punch the steering wheel right now, but I know that won’t make her want me anymore.
“I’m not like the other girls you’ve been with. There are things you don’t know, things that, when you...when you find them out, I doubt you’ll look at me the same.”
I can’t help my reaction to what she’s just said. “I don’t know for sure what happened, but I’ve drawn my own conclusions and nothing anyone else did to you without your consent would ever change my opinion of you. If you don’t want me then…”
The air in the cab of the truck is too thick, combined with the tux it feels like I’m burning up. I’ve got to get out of here. Reaching for the door handle, I open it, the cool evening air kissing my clammy skin.
“I want you, Clark, but I don’t think you’ll want me when you find out the truth.”
“You want me? That’s all I need to know. Just say yes. Give this a real shot, give us a chance.” I sound like I’m begging and maybe I am, but I don't care at this point. If all it takes is for me to get down on my knees than I’ll do that too. Whatever it takes.
“Okay,” she whispers so quietly I almost don't catch it.
“Okay?”
“Okay, we’ll give this a real shot,” she confirms and all I can do is lean over and kiss her. I go from being frustrated and angry to sitting on cloud nine in all of five seconds. Getting out of the truck, I jog around to the passenger side to help her out.
Clasping onto her hand, I close the truck door and lock it. Every businessperson and partner of my fathers will be here tonight, including Emerson’s dad. If I get the chance, I should talk to him. From the sound of things, Emerson doesn’t have all that good of a relationship with her father, and she’s never mentioned her mother.
“I’m a little nervous,” she admits as we walk across the already packed parking lot the ballet flats she’s wearing barely making a sound. Stopping mid-step, I pull her into my arms and stare down at her. Fuck I could stare at her all day.
“Don’t be. If anyone says something stupid or treats you poorly, we’ll leave. You don’t need to subject yourself to that anymore.” I don’t mean to sound like I’m lecturing her, but I want her to understand that she doesn't have to stand there and take what people say about her.
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, but not everyone shows theirs off for the world to see.
She worries her pink plump bottom lip with her teeth. “What if I have an anxiety attack? Or Sarah is here? Or one of yo
ur other exes?” I can see the thoughts compounding in her head, stacking up like bricks and I can’t let her go there, to that dark place that she hides to protect herself from fears that aren’t real or don’t matter.
Releasing her hand, I take her face into my hands and swipe my thumbs gently across her cheeks. Then I lean into her face bringing my lips close to hers. Her eyes dilate, and her breath hitches. She’s still with me, good.
“I’m here. Right here. In the flesh. I’ll protect you, and kick anyone’s ass that fucks with you and remember you have a voice of your own. You can say whatever you want, to whoever you want. No one is going to hurt you, they’ll have to go through me before they get that chance.”
Emerson blinks and it’s like the fog of fear surrounding her lifts. Every day I see her getting stronger, her skin growing a little thicker, her fears becoming a distant memory and no fucking way am I going to let her go back in time, let her lose sight of how far she’s come.
She releases an anxious breath and then sucks in another. She does this a few more times, like she’s building up the courage to move forward.
“Okay, let’s do this. I’m ready.”
Nodding, I press a kiss to her nose, and release her, taking her hand into mine again. We cross the rest of the parking lot and walk up the steps of the country club, and into the event area. There are people dressed to the nine, in elegant dresses, and tuxes. Security is posted at the door, but they don’t even spare me a look as I enter without a word, and why would they? My father all but finances this place. I’ll never understand why this is so important to him. Does he really need to make sure everybody knows he has money?
Emerson hooks her arm into mine, her grip tight as if she is scared I’ll walk off. The place is decorated to look intimate with low lighting, and candles on each of the linen-covered tables. It honestly looks more like a five-star wedding is taking place here then a charity event to benefit those with mental illness.