by E. A. Copen
“That’s not me anymore,” I growled back. “People change.”
“They don’t. You don’t.”
A tense silence passed between us. I imagined her on the other end, sitting on the edge of her bed in her pajamas with the phone pressed to her ear. Her hair was probably a mess from being woken from a sound sleep.
She has magic too, I thought. If she comes here, Ikelos could feed off her. She can’t come here. But if she doesn’t, how am I supposed to get my eyes fixed?
I didn’t know how far Ikelos’ reach was, but maybe she’d be safe if she didn’t come near Angola. Interacting with me would still be dangerous. I’d likely have to cross state lines to meet her, and I’d have to wait until Baron Samedi approved my mantle swap with the Sandman. As long as I was the Pale Horseman, Beth couldn’t heal me. Her healing did more damage than anything.
I rubbed my numb nose and let the argument go. Beth and I would likely meet in a true fight eventually, and the gloves would have to come off, especially with her working for Loki. I was sure I could take her in that fight. That was if I didn’t let my emotions get in the way.
“Beth,” I said, as calmly as I could manage, “I need you to meet me in Pearlington, Mississippi as soon as possible.”
“Pearlington? What are you doing there?”
“I’ll explain when we meet. The important thing, for now is that you don’t cross into Louisiana. Got it?”
The phone creaked as she shifted her weight against it. “Laz, you know my healing doesn’t work on you.”
“It will this time. I’ll explain it all when we meet. I don’t want to say too much over the phone.” You never know who might be listening.
Beth sighed. “Fine. I’ll fly into Gulfport and drive over. I can be there by noon. How’s that?”
“Perfect.” I almost hung up without saying anything else, but I hesitated. “Beth? Be safe.”
“Same to you,” she answered after a moment, her tone gentle.
I lowered the phone. “Moses, would you mind—”
“Driving you around while you play hero?”
I winced. “Sorry. I’d drive myself, but I don’t want to wind up in the river.”
“You’d still be a better driver than half the people in Louisiana.” Moses sighed. “Sure, why not? Ain’t like I got anything better to do.”
My phone buzzed in my hand again. I slid my finger over the screen to answer it, thinking it was Beth again. Maybe there had been a problem finding a flight on short notice. “Death speaking.”
“Lazarus?” Emma sounded unsure.
“Er…Emma. Wasn’t expecting you.” I paused as irrational fear coiled itself in my belly. “Is Remy okay?”
“She’s fine. Mom has her. Are you free? We need to talk.”
Whenever a woman calls you and says those four little words, you know you’re in trouble. When she calls to tell you that in the middle of the night, things are probably worse. Odette was the last person to utter that phrase to me, and it’d turned out she was leaving me to return to Faerie.
That coiled fear in my gut spread into my chest. “Of course. You at home?”
“No, Paula’s.”
Paula’s? A familiar public location. Oh, man, this was going to be even worse than I thought. She wouldn’t have picked there for no reason. No, she would’ve chosen Paula’s because I’d feel safe there, and I knew people. She could let me down easy and leave me to drink away my sorrow with friends.
Fear turned to numbness. My perspective shifted, forcing my awareness out of my body so it felt like I was watching my body move and respond on automatic. Except, you know, I still couldn’t see a damn thing. Panic threatened to overwhelm the numb feeling, but I squashed it. If she was going to dump me, at least she’d have the decency to do it in person.
“Yeah,” I said, my voice raw. “I can be there in twenty.”
“See you then.” She hung up without saying goodbye.
“Everything okay?” Moses asked.
I cradled my phone in my palms while my heart pounded in my chest, threatening to tear its way out through my ribcage. “Emma said we need to talk. She wants to meet me at Paula’s.”
I could practically feel Moses frowning over the table at me. “Maybe it’s about the case.”
It wasn’t, but it was kind of him to try to get my hopes up.
“I screwed it up, Moses. I asked too much of her and then walked in and made her family hate me. Then I made her mad at me when I accidentally appeared on the news. Even when I tried to smooth things over, I screwed it up by reanimating the turkey and breaking her brother’s fingers.”
“You…you did what now?”
I shook my head. “We’re done. Maybe I shouldn’t go. The more time I spend with her, the more danger I put her in.”
“Now, that ain’t fair.” Moses reached across the table and clapped a hand on my upper arm. “Emma’s a big girl. When she gets her mind set to something, she don’t give up that easy, and you’re too good a man to run away. You need to go and hear her out.”
“I thought you didn’t approve of Emma and me?”
Moses sighed. “Emma’s a good egg. I was worried you might be pulling her into a mess she couldn’t climb out of. Truth is, ever since you two met, she’s the happiest she’s ever been. I don’t believe she’ll break things off with you, Laz. This is something else. Go hear what she has to say before you jump to conclusions.”
Moses gripped my arm one more time before letting go. His coat rustled as he stood. “How about I drop you off at Paula’s, and you give me a call when you’re ready for me to come get you? In the meantime, I’ll do what research I can on this Titan. See if I can’t learn a thing or two that’ll help.”
I nodded and stood. Whatever Emma had to say, it was best just to get through it. I couldn’t blame her for ending things with how the last few days had gone, but to say I was upset was an understatement. I felt crushed. My feet were leaden and seemed to sink into the pavement with every step.
In my head, I worked through every possibility. Would she buy me a drink first? I’d have to tell her I was blind if it wasn’t obvious right away. Shit, how was I going to explain that? I’d just have to use the same excuse the doctors had put in my medical file. Flash bombs. Maybe she’d buy it. Except I couldn’t lie, not to Emma.
I cringed at the thought that my impairment would make her hesitate to go through with it. Emma was a good person. The best. She wouldn’t want to rub salt in an open wound. I’d have to open by telling her, and then make sure she was straight with me. No more dodging. It would hurt, but at least she’d stop looking at me with pity in her eyes.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The longer I let my Soul Vision run, the more it drained from me. Running on empty meant I had to tap into the Pale Horseman mantle just to keep it going.
By the time we made it across town, I’d used enough power, watching the glowing orbs of souls all around me that I had to work to keep my teeth from chattering. I’d have to shut it off soon or else go for a recharge. Since the best place for me to replenish my reserves was Emma’s greenhouse, I didn’t want to push myself to that point. It’d be awkward to ask her for help after she broke things off. Plus, it’d make me seem like a jerk. I was a lot of things, but a jerk wasn’t one of them. At least not with women. I always tried to be a nice guy, a gentleman. Maybe that’s where it all went wrong.
“You want me to walk you in, or can you find the door?” Moses asked as the car rolled to a stop.
I’d been in and out of Paula’s so often I could probably walk to the bar blindfolded. Probably. Okay, so only if I wasn’t already exhausted. If I fell over, I might just stay there for a quick nap.
I turned my head and stared through my Vision, watching souls move in and out of focus as they passed the windows. They glowed behind the walls, but not as bright. Which one was Emma? There were three souls where I thought the bar would be. The green one would be Paula, but the other two were
human. I couldn’t tell them apart.
“I still got that cane from when I was playing at being injured,” Moses offered.
I’d draw a lot of looks for walking through the door with a cane, but at least I’d be walking in of my own volition.
“How bad do I look?” I asked, turning back to Moses.
“Well…” He must’ve been looking me over because he paused. “You’ve got blood on your shirt. Eyes are red and bloodshot, but she won’t notice if you put on those sunglasses I gave you. Couple of scrapes and bruises, but not too bad for someone who survived a prison riot.”
“Thanks,” I grumbled. “Think I’ll take that cane if you don’t mind.”
Moses fumbled around in the back seat, moving things around, before grabbing my hand and placing it on something curved and smooth. “This’ll keep you from bumping into anything, at least. Sunglasses are hanging from your shirt. Don’t forget. Doctor’s orders.”
I sighed and slid on the sunglasses, though it must’ve still been dark out. Used to be, I thought only assholes wore sunglasses at night. Maybe I was an asshole.
After muttering my thanks to Moses, I opened the car door and planted the cane, using it to pull myself up. I swung the door closed and inched forward, the cane out in front of me at an angle. I tried to move it back and forth a little to catch anything in my path but nearly tripped over it twice on the way to the door.
I stopped in front of the door and blew out a breath before grabbing the doorknob and letting myself in. There was a beat of quiet before the jukebox clicked and started playing one of Paula’s favorites. I swear, she had at least three copies of The Eagles’ Hell Freezes Over in that thing just to increase the chances someone would play something from the album. A little too soft rock for my tastes, but she insisted that playing it just before closing was a tradition she’d never let slide.
“Jesus, Laz. You in a car accident or something?” Vince, one of Paula’s regular bouncers, stood off to the side.
I forced a smile. “Finally found a beanpole that fought back. Got me in the eyes, the squirrely bastard.”
He didn’t laugh. “You need some help getting to the bar?”
“Actually—” I was about to ask him to point me toward Emma, but her voice cut me off.
“God, Laz. What happened?”
My throat grew tight at the sound of her voice, and my heartbeat thumped louder in my ears. I turned and saw her silver soul spinning. Before she’d gone to hell, she’d carried around other, smaller souls hooked to her own, symbols of her guilt. Somewhere along the way, she’d lost those, and now her soul was brighter somehow, a lighthouse on a foggy night. Whenever I felt like I was lost, she was who I went to for direction. Emma always knew the right thing to do. That’s what I loved the most about Emma, though I hadn’t been able to put it into words before I saw her soul in Paula’s bar that night. Her goodness. No matter how strange or dark things got, she was always a guiding force for good. Emma was my North Star.
The realization of all that threatened to overwhelm me. I froze, unable to move or respond. I was an idiot for losing her.
“Laz?” The soft skin of her palm caressed the rough growth of my beard and slid up to pull off the glasses. “Oh, my God,” she repeated.
“There was a situation at Angola this morning,” I finally managed.
“You were there with the riot broke out?” Vince sounded impressed. Or dumbfounded. Maybe both. “It was all over the news.”
“Come on. Let’s get you sitting down.” Emma put her hand on my arm and guided me forward, helping me navigate the tables and other patrons.
“It’s really not as bad as it looks. I just got the crap kicked out of me and was in the wrong place when a flash went off. Most of it’ll heal.”
“Flash?” She hesitated.
I pointed to my eyes. “I can’t see a thing. I’ve been in the hospital for most of the day. Doc says my retinas are burned. Could be they recover. More than likely…” I cleared my throat. “But no biggie. I’ve got someone flying in to help. A healer. I’ll be good as new in a day or two.”
“I’ve seen him bounce back from worse,” Paula said as Emma showed me to a seat at the bar. Her tone of voice said she wasn’t convinced, though. “What’re you drinking, Laz?”
I started to order coffee and then thought better. Any more and my guts would rebel. Alcohol would dull my senses and make me even colder. “Anything warm. Anything but coffee. I’m about to turn into a Mr. Coffee if this keeps up. And no alcohol.”
“Tea, it is.” Paula’s heavy feet carried her away from the bar and back through the swinging double doors that separated the bar from the small kitchen.
“You get any sleep?” Emma asked.
I shook my head.
She put her hand on mine. “Jesus, Laz. You’re freezing.”
I pointed to my eyes again. “Horseman powers still work. It’s not ideal, but seeing souls is better than seeing nothing. I was going stir-crazy in my own head.”
Emma didn’t say anything. She just sat quietly beside me, her hand resting on top of mine. A tense silence stretched between us, a thin and fragile piece of glass. For whatever reason, my thoughts drifted back to a rainy night in a graveyard, the night I’d gotten my powers. I’d used a spell to knock Emma out so she couldn’t follow me. The spell required eye contact and physical touch to work.
Even back then, as I looked down into Emma’s eyes, I felt the possibility of something more. Possibilities I dismissed because I was still reeling over Odette leaving, and my world changing so fast. What if I’d squandered those possibilities chasing crisis after crisis? There was always something working to keep us apart, some complication to overcome, obstacles other people didn’t have to face. Maybe this was better, ending it here before either of us got hurt.
We started speaking at the same time, me asking her what she’d wanted to talk about and her with a nervous opening phrase.
I shut up. “Go on.”
“No, you first, Laz.”
“I was only going to ask what you wanted to talk about.”
“Oh.” Emma withdrew her hand. She was probably chewing on her fingernails. Dammit, I’d told her to quit that. She’d chew them straight off if she kept it up. “Listen, Laz, I know things have been tough, and maybe this isn’t the best time, but…” She sighed, exasperated. “I don’t know how to say this. Especially after the other day.”
“Just say it.” I closed my eyes and tried to steel myself for the announcement I knew would shatter me.
“Okay,” Emma said. “I’m sorry.”
My eyes snapped open. An apology wasn’t what I was expecting. “For what?”
“I’ve been so wrapped up in my life, my work, my family, that I’ve neglected you. Us. And the day before yesterday when you said what you said… It scared me.”
What I said the day before yesterday? I tried to think back but hit a mental block. My brain wasn’t firing on all cylinders. What the hell had I said that scared her? I mean, aside from all the stuff about Titans controlling people through their nightmares to make them kill their families. What did it say about us that murderous Titans was the most normal thing that’d happened over the last few days?
Emma didn’t seem to notice I was struggling to follow. She just kept right on talking in that nervous way she did. It was cute, the way she rambled. “I’m used to being on my own in my own head. Not thinking of someone else every time I close my eyes. It’s killing me, all you’re going through, and I don’t know how to help, so I’ve buried myself in my own problems and pushed you away.”
“Emma…”
“I should be helping more. I should be there for you, and I should’ve paid more attention at Thanksgiving when—” She cut herself off when I reached out, fumbling to find her hand on the bar.
“Emma,” I said, my voice even, “Stop apologizing. There’s no need. You’ve been amazing.”
“I rented the upstairs apartment for the night,�
� she blurted suddenly.
I blinked. “You what?”
“My family was driving me crazy. Mom and Dad are constantly arguing. Curtis won’t stop whining about his fingers. The more coffee he drinks, the more intolerable he becomes. And Grammy… God bless her. The woman gave me a hundred bucks and told me to go and treat myself to a nice hotel before I killed them all.”
I couldn’t help but smile at that. “Well, Paula’s isn’t exactly a nice hotel.”
“I beg to differ.” Paula slammed a drink on the bar in front of me. “I’ll have you know I have a four-star rating online.” She pushed it into my hand. Keys jingled, but she didn’t toss them to me. Emma must’ve caught them. “Make sure he gets some actual sleep. He looks like shit.”
Emma laughed. “I don’t know how much actual sleep is going to happen. There’s—”
“I don’t want to hear about what you’re into. Just don’t wreck the place.” Paula’s footsteps retreated.
Emma put her hand on my arm. She was so warm, I wanted to lean into her. “You want to go fire up this dream circle of yours?”
“Man, do I ever.” My eagerness faded when I realized I might not be able to, depending on the time. The bar was still open, so it had to be before last call. One-thirty? Maybe a little before? “What time is it? I’ve got somewhere to be at dawn. And I…I told Moses I’d call him. He’s my ride around town until the old eyeballs are back to normal.”
“One-thirty,” Emma answered, “and you’re in no condition to be meeting anyone. You need to be cleaned up and get a little rest. You’re no use to anyone covered in blood and exhausted.”
She had a point, one I couldn’t argue with. If I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t fight. The hallucinations weren’t helping. Coffee and energy drinks weren’t cutting it anymore, either. I needed to get just enough rest to function.
I stood from the stool and almost toppled over because I misjudged the distance between me and the bar.