Committed on the Lord Antonio’s wife,
That general-honest lady. Confess, my lord,
What moved you to’t?
Y. SON. Why, flesh and blood, my lord;
What should move men unto a woman else?
LUS. O, do not jest thy doom! trust not an axe
Or sword too far: the law is a wise serpent,
And quickly can beguile thee of thy life.
Though marriage only has made thee my brother,
I love thee so far: play not with thy death.
Y. SON. I thank you, troth; good admonitions, faith,
If I’d the grace now to make use of them.
1ST JUDGE. That lady’s name has spread such a fair wing
Over all Italy, that if our tongues
Were sparing toward the fact,15 judgment itself
Would be condemned, and suffer in men’s thoughts.
Y. SON. Well then, ’tis done; and it would please me well,
Were it to do again: sure, she’s a goddess,
For I’d no power to see her, and to live.
It falls out true in this, for I must die;
Her beauty was ordained to be my scaffold.
And yet, methinks, I might be easier ’sessed:
My fault being sport, let me but die in jest.
1ST JUDGE. This be the sentence—
DUCH. O, keep’t upon your tongue; let it not slip;
Death too soon steals out of a lawyer’s lip.
Be not so cruel-wise!
1ST JUDGE. Your grace must pardon us;
’Tis but the justice of the law.
DUCH. The law
Is grown more subtle than a woman should be.
SPU. [Aside] Now, now he dies! rid ’em away.
DUCH. [Aside] O, what it is to have an old cool duke,
To be as slack in tongue as in performance!16
1ST JUDGE. Confirmed, this be the doom irrevocable.
DUCH. O!
1ST JUDGE. To-morrow early—
DUCH. Pray be abed, my lord.
1ST JUDGE. Your grace much wrongs yourself.
AMB. No, ’tis that tongue:
Your too much right does do us too much wrong.
1ST JUDGE. Let that offender—
DUCH. Live, and be in health.
1ST JUDGE. Be on a scaffold—
DUCH. Hold, hold, my lord!
SPU. [Aside] Pox on’t,
What makes my dad speak now?
DUKE. We will defer the judgment till next sitting:
In the meantime, let him be kept close prisoner.
Guard, bear him hence.
AMB. [Aside] Brother, this makes for thee;
Fear not, we’ll have a trick to set thee free.
Y. SON. [Aside] Brother, I will expect it from you both;
And in that hope I rest.
SUP. Farewell, be merry.
Exit with a Guard
SPU. Delayed! deferred! nay then, if judgment have cold blood,
Flattery and bribes will kill it.
DUKE. About it, then, my lords, with your best powers:
More serious business calls upon our hours.
Exeunt, excepting the Duchess
DUCH. Was’t ever known step-duchess was so mild
And calm as I? some now would plot his death
With easy doctors, those loose-living men,
And make his withered grace fall to his grave,
And keep church better.
Some second wife would do this, and despatch
Her double-loathèd lord at meat or sleep.
Indeed, ’tis true, an old man’s twice a child;
Mine cannot speak; one of his single words
Would quite have freed my youngest dearest son
From death or durance, and have made him walk
With a bold foot upon the thorny law,
Whose prickles should bow under him; but ’tis not,
And therefore wedlock-faith shall be forgot:
I’ll kill him in his forehead;17 hate, there feed;
That wound is deepest, though it never bleed.
And here comes he whom my heart points unto,
His bastard son, but my love’s true-begot;
Many a wealthy letter have I sent him,
Swelled up with jewels, and the timorous man
Is yet but coldly kind.
That jewel’s mine that quivers in his ear,
Mocking his master’s chillness and vain fear.
He has spied me now!
Enter Spurio
SPU. Madam, your grace so private?
My duty on your hand.
DUCH. Upon my hand, sir! troth, I think you’d fear
To kiss my hand too, if my lip stood there.
SPU. Witness I would not, madam.
[Kisses her]
DUCH. ’Tis a wonder;
For ceremony has made many fools!
It is as easy way unto a duchess,
As to a hatted dame,18 if her love answer:
But that by timorous honors, pale respects,
Idle degrees of fear, men make their ways
Hard of themselves. What, have you thought of me?
SPU. Madam, I ever think of you in duty,
Regard, and—
DUCH. Pooh! upon my love, I mean.
SPU. I would ’twere love; but ’tis a fouler name
Than lust: you are my father’s wife—your grace may guess now
What I could call it.
DUCH. Why, th’ art his son but falsely;
’Tis a hard question whether he begot thee.
SPU. I’faith, ’tis true: I’m an uncertain man
Of more uncertain woman. Maybe, his groom
O’ the stable begot me; you know I know not!
He could ride a horse well, a shrewd suspicion, marry!—
He was wondrous tall: he had his length, i’faith.
For peeping over half-shut holyday windows,
Men would desire him light.19 When he was afoot
He made a goodly show under a pent-house;
And when he rid, his hat would check20 the signs,
And clatter barbers’ basons.
DUCH. Nay, set you a-horseback once,
You’ll ne’er light off.21
SPU. Indeed, I am a beggar.
DUCH. That’s the more sign thou’rt great.—
But to our love:
Let it stand firm both in thy thought and mind,
That the duke was thy father, as no doubt then
He bid fair for’t—thy injury is the more;
For had he cut thee a right diamond,
Thou had’st been next set in the dukedom’s ring,
When his worn self, like age’s easy slave,
Had dropped out of the collet22 into th’ grave.
What wrong can equal this? canst thou be tame,
And think upon’t?
SPU. No, mad, and think upon’t.
DUCH. Who would not be revenged of such a father,
E’en in the worst way? I would thank that sin,
That could most injure him, and be in league with it.
O, what a grief ’tis that a man should live
But once i’ the world, and then to live a bastard—
The curse o’ the womb, the thief of nature,
Begot against the seventh commandment,
Half-damned in the conception by the justice
Of that unbribèd everlasting law.
SPU. O, I’d a hot-backed devil to my father.
DUCH. Would not this mad e’en patience, make blood rough?
Who but an eunuch would not sin? his bed, wrapped in!
By one false minute disinherited.
SPU. Ay, there’s the vengeance that my birth was
I’ll be revenged for all: now, hate, begin;
I’ll call foul incest but a venial sin.
DUCH. Cold still! in vain then must a duchess woo?
SPU. Madam, I blush to say w
hat I will do.
DUCH. Thence flew sweet comfort. Earnest,23 and farewell.
[Kisses him]
SPU. O, one incestuous kiss picks open hell.
DUCH. Faith, now, old duke, my vengeance shall reach high,
I’ll arm thy brow with woman’s heraldry.24
Exit
SPU. Duke, thou didst do me wrong; and, by thy act
Adultery is my nature.
Faith, if the truth were known, I was begot
After some gluttonous dinner; some stirring dish
Was my first father, when deep healths went round,
And ladies’ cheeks were painted red with wine,
Their tongues, as short and nimble as their heels,
Uttering words sweet and thick; and when they rose,
Were merrily disposed to fall again.
In such a whispering and withdrawing hour,
When base male-bawds kept sentinel at stair-head,
Was I stol’n softly. O damnation meet!
The sin of feasts, drunken adultery!
I feel it swell me; my revenge is just!
I was begot in impudent wine and lust.
Step-mother, I consent to thy desires;
I love thy mischief well; but I hate thee
And those three cubs thy sons, wishing confusion,
Death and disgrace may be their epitaphs.
As for my brother, the duke’s only son,25
Whose birth is more beholding to report
Than mine, and yet perhaps as falsely sown
(Women must not be trusted with their own),
I’ll loose my days upon him, hate all I;
Duke, on thy brow I’ll draw my bastardy:
For indeed a bastard by nature should make cuckolds,
Because he is the son of a cuckold-maker.
Exit
SCENE III
Enter Vendice in disguise and Hippolito
VEN. What, brother, am I far enough from myself?
HIP. As if another man had been sent whole
Into the world, and none wist how he came.
VEN. It will confirm me bold—the child o’ the court;
Let blushes dwell i’ the country. Impudence!
Thou goddess of the palace, mistress of mistresses.
To whom the costly perfumed people pray,
Strike thou my forehead into dauntless marble,
Mine eyes to steady sapphires, Turn my visage;
And, if I must needs glow, let me blush inward,
That this immodest season may not spy
That scholar in my cheeks, fool bashfulness;
That maid in the old time, whose flush of grace
Would never suffer her to get good clothes.
Our maids are wiser, and are less ashamed;
Save Grace the bawd, I seldom hear grace named!
HIP. Nay, brother, you reach out o’ the verge now—
’Sfoot, the duke’s son! settle your looks.
VEN. Pray, let me not be doubted.
HIP. My lord—
Enter Lussurioso
LUS. Hippolito—be absent, leave us!
HIP. My lord, after long search, wary inquiries,
And politic siftings, I made choice of yon fellow,
Whom I guess rare for many deep employments:
This our age swims within him; and if Time
Had so much hair, I should take him for Time,
He is so near kin to this present minute.
LUS. ’Tis enough;
We thank thee: yet words are but great men’s blanks;26
Gold, though it be dumb, does utter the best thanks.
[Gives him money]
HIP. Your plenteous honor! an excellent fellow, my lord.
LUS. SO, give us leave. [Exit Hippolito] Welcome, be not far off; we must be better acquainted: pish, be bold with us—thy hand.
VEN. With all my heart, i’faith: how dost, sweet musk-cat?
When shall we lie together?
LUS. Wondrous knave,
Gather him into boldness! ’sfoot, the slave’s
Already as familiar as an ague,
And shakes me at his pleasure. Friend, I can
Forget myself in private; but elsewhere
I pray do you remember me.27
VEN. O, very well, sir—I consider28 myself saucy.
LUS. What hast been?
Of what profession?
VEN. A bone-setter.
LUS. A bone-setter!
VEN. A bawd, my lord—
One that sets bones together.
LUS. Notable bluntness!
Fit, fit for me; e’en trained up to my hand:
Thou hast been scrivener to much knavery, then?
VEN. ’Sfoot, to abundance, sir: I have been witness
To the surrenders of a thousand virgins:
And not so little;
I have seen patrimonies washed a-pieces,
Fruit-fields turned into bastards,
And in a world of acres
Not so much dust due to the heir ’twas left to
As would well gravel29 a petition.
LUS. [Aside] Fine villain! troth, I like him wondrously:
He’s e’en shaped for my purpose.
Then thou know’st
I’ th’ world strange lust?
VEN. O Dutch lust! fulsome lust!
Drunken procreation! which begets so many drunkards
Some fathers dread not (gone to bed in wine) to slide from the mother,
And cling30 the daughter-in-law;
Some uncles are adulterous with their nieces:
Brothers with brothers’ wives. O hour of incest!
Any kin now, next to the rim31 o’ th’ sister,
Is men’s meat in these days; and in the morning,
When they are up and dressed, and their mask on,
Who can perceive this, save that eternal eye,
That sees through flesh and all? Well, if anything be damned,
It will be twelve o’clock at night; that twelve
Will never ’scape;
It is the Judas of the hours, wherein
Honest salvation is betrayed to sin.
LUS. In troth, it is true; but let this talk glide.
It is our blood to err, though hell gape wide.
Ladies know Lucifer fell, yet still are proud.
Now, sir, wert thou as secret as thou’rt subtle,
And deeply fathomed into all estates,32
I would embrace thee for a near employment;
And thou shouldst swell in money, and be able
To make lame beggars crouch to thee.
VEN. My lord,
Secret! I ne’er had that disease o’ the mother,33
I praise my father: why are men made close,
But to keep thoughts in best? I grant you this,
Tell but some women a secret over night,
Your doctor may find it in the urinal i’ the morning.
But, my lord—
LUS. So thou’rt confirmed in me,
And thus I enter thee.
[Gives him money]
VEN. This Indian devil34
Will quickly enter any man but a usurer;
He prevents that by entering the devil first.
LUS. Attend me. I am past my depth in lust,
And I must swim or drown. All my desires
Are levelled at a virgin not far from court,
To whom I have conveyed by messenger
Many waxed lines, full of my neatest spirit,
And jewels that were able to ravish her
Without the help of man; all which and more
She (foolish chaste) sent back, the messengers
Receiving frowns for answers.
VEN. Possible!
’Tis a rare Phœnix, whoe’er she be.
If your desires be such, she so repugnant,35
In troth, my lord, I’d be revenged and marry her.
LUS. Pish! the do
wry of her blood and of her fortunes
Are both too mean—good enough to be bad withal.
I’m one of that number can defend
Marriage is good; yet rather keep a friend.36
Give me my bed by stealth—there’s true delight;
What breeds a loathing in’t, but night by night!
VEN. A very fine religion!
LUS. Therefore thus
I’ll trust thee in the business of my heart;
Because I see thee well-experienced
In this luxurious37 day wherein we breathe.
Go thou, and with a smooth enchanting tongue
Bewitch her ears, and cosen her of all grace:
Enter upon the portion of her soul—
Her honor, which she calls her chastity,
And bring it into expense; for honesty
Is like a stock of money laid to sleep
Which, ne’er so little broke, does never keep.
VEN. You have gi’en’t the tang,38 i’faith, my lord:
Make known the lady to me, and my brain
Shall swell with strange invention: I will move it,
Till I expire with speaking, and drop down
Without a word to save me—but I’ll work—
LUS. We thank thee, and will raise thee.—
Receive her name; it is the only daughter to Madam Gratiana, the late widow.
VEN. [Aside] O my sister, my sister!
LUS. Why dost walk aside?
VEN. My lord, I was thinking how I might begin:
As thus, O lady—or twenty hundred devices—
Her very bodkin will put a man in.
LUS. Ay, or the wagging of her hair.
VEN. No, that shall put you in, my lord.
LUS. Shall’t? why, content. Dost know the daughter then?
VEN. O, excellent well by sight.
LUS. That was her brother,
That did prefer thee to us.
VEN. My lord, I think so;
I knew I had seen him somewhere—
LUS. And therefore, prythee, let thy heart to him
Be as a virgin close.
VEN. O my good lord.
LUS. We may laugh at that simple age within him.
VEN. Ha, ha, ha!
LUS. Himself being made the subtle instrument,
To wind up a good fellow.39
VEN. That’s I, my lord.
LUS. That’s thou,
To entice and work his sister.
VEN. A pure novice!
LUS. ’Twas finely managed.
VEN. Galliantly carried!
A pretty perfumed villain!
LUS. I’ve bethought me,
If she prove chaste still and immovable,
Venture upon the mother; and with gifts,
As I will furnish thee, begin with her.
VEN. O, fie, fie! that’s the wrong end my lord.
’Tis mere impossible that a mother, by any gifts, should become a bawd to her own daughter!
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