GRA. Ay, to the duke: daughter, you’d scorn to think o’ the devil, an65 you were there once.
VEN. [Aside] True, for most there are as proud as he for his heart,66 i’faith.
Who’d sit at home in a neglected room,
Dealing her short-lived beauty to the pictures,
That are as useless as old men, when those
Poorer in face and fortune than herself
Walk with a hundred acres on their backs,
Fair meadows cut into green foreparts? O,
It was the greatest blessing ever happened to woman
When farmers’ sons agreed and met again,
To wash their hands, and come up gentlemen!
The commonwealth has flourished ever since:
Lands that were mete67 by the rod, that labor’s spared:
Tailors ride down, and measure ’em by the yard.
Fair trees, those comely foretops of the field,
Are cut to maintain head-tires—much untold.
All thrives but chastity; she lies a-cold.
Nay, shall I come nearer to you? mark but this:
Why are there so few honest women, but because ’tis the poorer
profession? that’s accounted best that’s best followed; least in
trade, least in fashion; and that’s not honesty, believe it; and do
but note the low and dejected price of it—
Lose but a pearl, we search, and cannot brook it:
But that68 once gone, who is so mad to look69 it?
GRA. Troth, he says true.
CAS. False! I defy you both:
I have endured you with an ear of fire;
Your tongues have struck hot irons on my face.
Mother, come from that poisonous woman there.
GRA. Where?
CAS. Do you not see her? she’s too inward, then!
Slave, perish in thy office! you Heavens, please
Henceforth to make the mother a disease,
Which first begins with me: yet I’ve outgone you.
Exit
VEN. [Aside] O angels, clap your wings upon the skies,
And give this virgin crystal plaudites!
GRA. Peevish, coy, foolish!—but return this answer,
My lord shall be most welcome, when his pleasure
Conducts him this way. I will sway mine own.
Women with women can work best alone.
Exit
VEN. Indeed, I’ll tell him so.
O, more uncivil, more unnatural,
Than those base-titled creatures that look downward;
Why does not Heaven turn black, or with a frown
Undo the world? Why does not earth start up,
And strike the sins that tread upon’t? O,
Were’t not for gold and women, there would be no damnation.
Hell would look like a lord’s great kitchen without fire in’t.
But ’twas decreed, before the world began,
That they should be the hooks to catch at man.
Exit
SCENE II
Enter Lussurioso, with Hippolito
LUS. I much applaud
Thy judgment; thou art well-read in a fellow;
And ’tis the deepest art to study man.
I know this, which I never learnt in schools,
The world’s divided into knaves and fools.
HIP. [Aside] Knave in your face, my lord—behind your back—
LUS. And I much thank thee, that thou hast preferred
A fellow of discourse, well-mingled,
And whose brain time hath seasoned.
HIP. True, my lord,
We shall find season70 once, I hope. [Aside] O villain!
To make such an unnatural slave of me—but—
LUS. Mass, here he comes.
HIP. [Aside] And now shall I have free leave to depart.
LUS. Your absence, leave us.
HIP. [Aside] Are not my thoughts true?
I must remove; but, brother, you may stay.
Heart! we are both made bawds a new-found way!
Exit
Enter Vendice, disguised
LUS. Now we’re an even number, a third man’s dangerous,
Especially her brother;—say, be free,
Have I a pleasure toward?
VEN. O my lord!
LUS. Ravish me in thine answer; art thou rare?
Hast thou beguiled her of salvation,
And rubbed hell o’er with honey? Is she a woman?
VEN. In all but in desire.
LUS. Then she’s in nothing—I bate in courage71 now.
VEN. The words I brought
Might well have made indifferent honest naught.72
A right good woman in these days is changed
Into white money with less labor far;
Many a maid has turned to Mahomet73
With easier working: I durst undertake,
upon the pawn and forfeit of my life,
With half those words to flat a Puritan’s wife.
But she is close and good; yet ’tis a doubt
By this time.—O, the mother, the mother!
LUS. I never thought their sex had been a wonder,
Until this minute. What fruit from the mother?
VEN. [Aside] How must I blister my soul, be forsworn,
Or shame the woman that received me first!
I will be true: thou liv’st not to proclaim.
Spoke to a dying man, shame has no shame.
My lord.
LUS. Who’s that?
VEN. Here’s none but I, my lord.
LUS. What would thy haste utter?
VEN. Comfort.
LUS. Welcome.
VEN. The maid being dull, having no mind to travel
Into unknown lands, what did I straight,
But set spurs to the mother? golden spurs
Will put her to a false gallop in a trice.
LUS. Is’t possible that in this
The mother should be damned before the daughter?
VEN. O, that’s good manners, my lord; the mother for her age must go foremost, you know.
LUS. Thou’st spoke that true! but where comes mother in this comfort?
VEN. In a fine place, my lord,—the unnatural
Did with her tongue so hard beset her honor,
That the poor fool was struck to silent wonder;
Yet still the maid, like an unlighted taper,
Was cold and chaste, save that her mother’s breath
Did blow fire on her cheeks. The girl departed;
But the good ancient madam, half mad, threw me
These promising words, which I took deeply note of:
“My lord shall be most welcome”—
LUS. Faith, I thank her.
VEN. “When his pleasure conducts him this way”—
LUS. That shall be soon, i’faith.
VEN. “I will sway mine own”—
LUS. She does the wiser: I commend her for’t.
VEN. “Women with women can work best alone.”
LUS. By this light, and so they can; give ’em their due, men are not comparable to ’em.
VEN. NO, that’s true; for you shall have one woman knit more in an hour, than any man can ravel again in seven-and-twenty years.
LUS. Now my desires are happy; I’ll make ’em freemen now.
Thou art a precious fellow; faith, I love thee;
Be wise and make it thy revénue; beg, leg;74
What office couldst thou be ambitious for?
VEN. Office, my lord! marry, if I might have my wish, I would have one that was never begged yet.
LUS. Nay, then, thou canst have none.
VEN. Yes, my lord, I could pick out another office yet; nay, and keep a horse and drab75 upon’t.
LUS. Prythee, good bluntness, tell me.
VEN. Why, I would desire but this, my lord—to have all the fees behind the arras, and all the farthingales that fall plump
about twelve o’clock at night upon the rushes.
LUS. Thou’rt a mad, apprehensive76 knave; dost think to make any great purchase of that?
VEN. O, ’tis an unknown thing, my lord; I wonder’t has been missed so long.
LUS. Well, this night I’ll visit her, and ’tis till then
A year in my desires—farewell, attend
Trust me with thy preferment.
VEN. My loved lord!
Exit Lussurioso
O, shall I kill him o’ th’ wrong side now? no!
Sword, thou wast never a backbiter yet.
I’ll pierce him to his face; he shall die looking upon me.
Thy veins are swelled with lust, this shall unfill ’em.
Great men were gods, if beggars could not kill ’em.
Forgive me, Heaven, to call my mother wicked!
O, lessen not my days upon the earth,
I cannot honor her. By this, I fear me,
Her tongue has turned my sister unto use.
I was a villain not to be forsworn
To this our lecherous hope, the duke’s son;
For lawyers, merchants, some divines, and all,
Count beneficial perjury a sin small.
It shall go hard yet, but I’ll guard her honor,
And keep the ports sure.
Exit
SCENE III
Enter Vendice, still disguised, and Hippolito
HIP. Brother, how goes the world? I would know news of you.
But I have news to tell you.
VEN. What, in the name of knavery?
HIP. Knavery, faith;
This vicious old duke’s worthily abused;
The pen of his bastard writes him cuckold?
VEN. His bastard?
HIP. Pray, believe it; he and the duchess
By night meet in their linen; they have been seen
By stair-foot panders.
VEN. O, sin foul and deep!
Great faults are winked at when the duke’s asleep.
See, see, here comes the Spurio.
HIP. Monstrous luxur!
VEN. Unbraced! two of his valiant bawds with him!
O, there’s a wicked whisper; hell’s in his ear.
Stay, let’s observe his passage—
Enter Spurio and Servants
SPU. O, but are you sure on’t?
1ST SER. My lord, most sure on’t; for ’twas spoke by one,
That is most inward with the duke’s son’s lust,
That he intends within this hour to steal
Unto Hippolito’s sister, whose chaste life
The mother has corrupted for his use.
SPU. Sweet word! sweet occasion! faith, then, brother,
I’ll disinherit you in as short time
As I was when I was begot in haste.
I’ll damn you at your pleasure: precious deed!
After your lust, O, ’twill be fine to bleed.
Come, let our passing out be soft and wary.
Exeunt Spurio and Servants
VEN. Mark! there; there; that step; now to the duchess!
This their second meeting writes the duke cuckold
With new additions—his horns newly revived.
Night! thou that look’st like funeral heralds’ fees,77
Torn down betimes i’ the morning, thou hang’st fitly
To grace those sins that have no grace at all.
Now ’tis full sea abed over the world:
There’s juggling of all sides; some that were maids
E’en at sunset, are now perhaps i’ the toll-book.78
This woman in immodest thin apparel
Lets in her friend by water; here a dame
Cunning nails leather hinges to a door,
To avoid proclamation.
Now cuckolds are coining, apace, apace, apace, apace!
And careful sisters spin that thread i’ the night,
That does maintain them and their bawds i’ the day.
HIP. You flow well, brother.
VEN. Pooh! I’m shallow yet;
Too sparing and too modest; shall I tell thee?
If every trick were told that’s dealt by night,
There are few here that would not blush outright.
HIP. I am of that belief too. Who’s this comes?
VEN. The duke’s son up so late? Brother, fall back,
And you shall learn some mischief. My good lord!
Enter Lussurioso
LUS. Piato! why, the man I wished for! Come,
I do embrace this season for the fittest
To taste of that young lady.
VEN. [Aside] Heart and hell!
HIP. [Aside] Damned villain!
VEN. [Aside] I have no way now to cross it, but to kill him.
LUS. Come, only thou and I.
VEN. My lord! my lord!
LUS. Why dost thou start us?
VEN. I’d almost forgot—the bastard!
LUS. What of him?
VEN. This night, this hour, this minute, now—
LUS. What? what?
VEN. Shadows79 the duchess—
LUS. Horrible word!
VEN. And (like strong poison) eats
Into the duke your father’s forehead.
LUS. O!
VEN. He makes horn-royal.
LUS. Most ignoble slave!
VEN. This is the fruit of two beds.
LUS. I am mad.
VEN. That passage he trod warily.
LUS. He did?
VEN. And hushed his villains every step he took.
LUS. His villains! I’ll confound them.
VEN. Take ’em finely—finely, now.
LUS. The duchess’ chamber-door shall not control me.
Exeunt Lussurioso and Vendice
HIP. Good, happy, swift: there’s gunpowder i’ the court,
Wildfire at midnight. In this heedless fury
He may show violence to cross80 himself.
I’ll follow the event.81
Exit
SCENE IV
Duke and Duchess screened within a bed
Enter Lussurioso and Vendice, disguised
LUS. Where is that villain?
VEN. Softly, my lord, and you may take ’em twisted.
LUS. I care not how.
VEN. O! ’twill be glorious
To kill ’em doubled, when they’re heaped. Be soft, my lord.
LUS. Away! my spleen is not so lazy: thus and thus
I’ll shake their eyelids ope, and with my sword
Shut ’em again for ever. Villain! strumpet!
DUKE. You upper guard, defend us!
DUCH. Treason! treason!
DUKE. O, take me not in sleep!
I have great sins; I must have days,
Nay, months, dear son, with penitential heaves,
To lift ’em out, and not to die unclear.
O, thou wilt kill me both in Heaven and here.
LUS. I am amazed to death.
DUKE. Nay, villain, traitor,
Worse than the foulest epithet; now I’ll gripe thee
E’en with the nerves of wrath, and throw thy head
Amongst the lawyers!—guard!
Enter Ambitioso, Supervacuo, and Lords
1ST LORD. How comes the quiet of your grace disturbed?
DUKE. This boy, that should be myself after me,
Would be myself before me; and in heat
Of that ambition bloodily rushed in,
Intending to depose me in my bed.
2ND LORD. Duty and natural loyalty forfend!
DUCH. He called his father villain, and me strumpet,
A word that I abhor to file82 my lips with.
AMB. That was not so well-done, brother.
LUS. [Aside] I am abused—I know there’s no excuse can do me good.
VEN. [Aside] ’Tis now good policy to be from sight;
His vicious purpose to our sister’s honor
I crossed beyond ou
r thought.
HIP. You little dreamt his father slept here.
VEN. O, ’twas far beyond me:
But since it fell so—without frightful words,
Would he had killed him, ’twould have eased our swords.
DUKE. Be comforted, our duchess, he shall die.
Exeunt Vendice and Hippolito
LUS. Where’s this slave-pander now? out of mine eye,
Guilty of this abuse.
Enter Spurio with Servants
SPU. Y’ are villains, fablers!83
You have knaves’ chins and harlots’ tongues; you lie;
And I will damn you with one meal a day.
1ST SER. O good my lord!
SPU. ’Sblood, you shall never sup.
2ND SER. O, I beseech you, sir!
SPU. TO let my sword catch cold so long, and miss him!
1ST SER. Troth, my lord, ’twas his intent to meet there.
SPU. Heart! he’s yonder.
Ha, what news here? is the day out o’ the socket,
That it is noon at midnight? the court up?
How comes the guard so saucy with his84 elbows?
LUS. The bastard here?
Nay, then the truth of my intent shall out;
My lord and father, hear me.
DUKE. Bear him hence.
LUS. I can with loyalty excuse.
DUKE. Excuse? to prison with the villain!
Death shall not long lag after him.
SPU. Good, i’faith: then ’tis not much amiss.
LUS. Brothers, my best release lies on your tongues;
I pray, persuade for me.
AMB. It is our duties; make yourself sure of us.
SPU. We’ll sweat in pleading.
LUS. And I may live to thank you.
Exit with Lords
AMB. No, thy death shall thank me better.
SPU. He’s gone; I’ll after him,
And know his trespass; seem to bear a part
In all his ills, but with a puritan85 heart.
Exit with Servants
AMB. Now, brother, let our hate and love be woven
So subtly together, that in speaking one word for his life,
We may make three for his death:
The craftiest pleader gets most gold for breath.
SUP. Set on, I’ll not be far behind you, brother.
DUKE. Is’t possible a son should be disobedient as far as the sword? It is the highest: he can go no farther.
AMB. My gracious lord, take pity—
DUKE. Pity, boys!
AMB. Nay, we’d be loath to move your grace too much;
We know the trespass is unpardonable,
Black, wicked, and unnatural.
SUP. In a son! O, monstrous!
AMB. Yet, my lord,
A duke’s soft hand strokes the rough head of law,
And makes it lie smooth.
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