NURSE. A gentleman.
From Cambridge; I think it be your son, forsooth.
MAUD. ’Tis my son Tim, i’faith; prithee, call him up
Among the women, ’twill embolden him well,—
Exit Nurse
[Aside] For he wants nothing but audacity.
Would the Welsh gentlewoman at home were here now!
LADY KIX. Is your son come, forsooth?
MAUD. Yes, from the university, forsooth.
LADY KIX. ’Tis great joy on ye.
MAUD. There’s a great marriage
Towards80 for him.
LADY KIX. A marriage?
MAUD. Yes, sure,
A huge heir in Wales at least to nineteen mountains.
Besides her goods and cattle.
Re-enter Nurse with Tim
TIM. O, I’m betrayed!
Exit
MAUD. What, gone again?—Run after him, good nurse;
He is so bashful, that’s the spoil of youth:
Exit Nurse
In the university they’re kept still to men,
And ne’er trained up to women’s company.
LADY KIX. ’Tis a great spoil of youth indeed.
Re-enter Nurse and Tim
NURSE. Your mother will have it so.
MAUD. Why, son! why Tim!
What, must I rise and fetch you? for shame, son!
TIM. Mother, you do intreat like a fresh-woman;
’Tis against the laws of the university
For any that has answered under81 bachelor
To thrust ’mongst married wives.
MAUD. Come, we’ll excuse you here.
TIM. Call up my tutor, mother, and I care not.
MAUD. What, is your tutor come? have you brought him up?
TIM. I ha’ not brought him up, he stands at door;
Negatur, there’s logic to begin with you, mother.
MAUD. Run, call the gentleman, nurse; he’s my son’s tutor.—
Exit Nurse
Here, eat some plums.
[Offers comfits]
TIM. Come I from Cambridge,
And offer me six plums?
MAUD. Why, how now, Tim?
Will not your old tricks yet be left?
TIM. Served like a child,
When I have answered under bachelor!
MAUD. You’ll ne’er lin82 till I make your tutor whip you;
You know how I served you once at the free-school
In Paul’s Churchyard?
TIM. O monstrous absurdity!
Ne’er was the like in Cambridge since my time;
’Life, whip a bachelor! you’d be laughed at soundly;
Let not my tutor hear you, ’twould be a jest
Through the whole university. No more words, mother.
Re-enter Nurse with Tutor
MAUD. Is this your tutor, Tim?
TUTOR. Yes, surely, lady,
I am the man that brought him in league with logic,
And read the Dunces83 to him.
TIM. That did he, mother;
But now I have ’em all in my own pate,
And can as well read ’em to others.
TUTOR. That can he,
Mistress, for they flow naturally from him.
MAUD. I am the more beholding to your pains, sir.
TUTOR. Non ideo sane.84
MAUD. True, he was an idiot indeed
When he went out of London, but now he’s well mended.
Did you receive the two goose-pies I sent you?
TUTOR. And eat them heartily, thanks to your worship.
MAUD. ’Tis my son Tim; I pray bid him welcome, gentlewomen.
TIM. Tim? hark you, Timotheus, mother, Timotheus.
MAUD. How, shall I deny your name? Timotheus, quoth he!
Faith, there’s a name!—’Tis my son Tim, forsooth.
LADY KIX. You’re welcome, master Tim.
[Kisses Tim]
TIM. [Aside] O this is horrible,
She wets as she kisses!—Your handkercher, sweet tutor,
To wipe them off as fast as they come on.
2ND GOS. Welcome from Cambridge.
[Kisses Tim]
TIM. [Aside] This is intolerable!
This woman has a villainous sweet breath,
Did she not stink of comfits.—Help me, sweet tutor,
Or I shall rub my lips off!
TUTOR. I’ll go kiss
The lower end the whilst.
TIM. Perhaps that’s the sweeter,
And we shall despatch the sooner.
1ST PUR. Let me come next:
Welcome from the wellspring of discipline,85
That waters all the brethren.
[Reels and falls]
TIM. Hoist, I beseech thee!
3RD GOS. O bless the woman!—Mistress Underman—
[They raise her up]
1ST PUR. ’Tis but the common affliction of the faithful;
We must embrace our falls.
TIM. I’m glad I escaped it;
It was some rotten kiss sure, it dropt down
Before it came at me.
Re-enter Allwit with Davy
ALLWIT. [Aside] Here is a noise! not parted yet? heyday,
A looking-glass!86—They’ve drunk so hard in plate,
That some of them had need of other vessels.—
Yonder the bravest show!
GOSSIPS. Where, where, sir?
ALLWIT. Come along presently by the Pissing-conduit,87
With two brave drums and a standard-bearer.
GOSSIPS. O brave!
TIM. Come, tutor.
Exit with Tutor
GOSSIPS. Farewell, sweet gossip!
MIS. ALL. I thank you all for your pains.
1ST PUR. Feed and grow strong.
Exeunt Lady Kix, Maudlin, and all the Gossips
ALLWIT. You had more need to sleep than eat;
Go take a nap with some of the brethren, go,
And rise up a well-edified, boldified sister.
O, here’s a day of toil well passed over,
Able to make a citizen hare-mad!
How hot they’ve made the room with their thick bums!
Dost not feel it, Davy?
DAVY. Monstrous strong, sir.
ALLWIT. What’s here under the stools?
DAVY. Nothing but wet, sir;
Some wine spilt here belike.
ALLWIT. Is’t no worse, think’st thou?
Fair needlework stools cost nothing with them, Davy.
DAVY. [Aside] Nor you neither, i’faith.
ALLWIT. Look how they have laid them,
E’en as they lie themselves, with their heels up!
How they have shuffled up the rushes88 too, Davy,
With their short figging little shittle-cock89 heels!
These women can let nothing stand as they find it.
But what’s the secret thou’st about to tell me,
My honest Davy?
DAVY. If you should disclose it, sir—
ALLWIT. ’Life, rip my belly up to the throat then, Davy!
DAVY. My master’s upon marriage.
ALLWIT. Marriage, Davy?
Send me to hanging rather.
DAVY. [Aside] I have stung him!
ALLWIT. When? where? what is she, Davy?
DAVY. Even the same was gossip, and gave the spoon.
ALLWIT. I have no time to stay, nor scarce can speak;
I’ll stop those wheels, or all the work will break.
Exit
DAVY. I knew ’twould prick. Thus do I fashion still
All mine own ends by him and his rank toil:
Tis my desire to keep him still from marriage;
Being his poor nearest kinsman, I may fare
The better at his death; there my hopes build,
Since my Lady Kix is dry,90 and hath no child.
Exit
SCENE III
Enter Touchwood senior and Touchwood junior
TOUCH. JUN. You’re in the happiest way t’ enrich yourself
And pleasure me, brother, as man’s feet can tread in;
For though she be locked up, her vow is fixed
Only to me; then time shall never grieve me,
For by that vow e’en absent I enjoy her,
Assuredly confirmed that none else shall,
Which will make tedious years seem gameful to me:
In the mean space, lose you no time, sweet brother;
You have the means to strike at this knight’s fortunes,
And lay him level with his bankrout91 merit;
Get but his wife with child, perch at tree-top,
And shake the golden fruit into her lap;
About it before she weep herself to a dry ground,
And whine out all her goodness.
TOUCH. SEN. Prithee, cease;
I find a too much aptness in my blood
For such a business, without provocation;
You might well spared this banquet of eringoes,
Artichokes, potatoes, and your buttered crab;92
They were fitter kept for your wedding-dinner.
TOUCH. JUN. Nay, an you’ll follow my suit, and save my purse too,
Fortune doats on me: he’s in happy case
Finds such an honest friend i’ the common-place.93
TOUCH. SEN. Life, what makes thee so merry? thou’st no cause
That I could hear of lately since thy crosses,94
Unless there be news come with new additions.
TOUCH. JUN. Why, there thou hast it right; I look for her
This evening, brother.
TOUCH. SEN. How’s that? look for her?
TOUCH. JUN. I will deliver you of the wonder straight, brother:
By the firm secrecy and kind assistance
Of a good wench i’ the house, who, made of pity,
Weighing the case her own, she’s led through gutters,
Strange hidden ways, which none but love could find,
Or ha’ the heart to venture: I expect her
Where you would little think.
TOUCH. SEN. I care not where,
So she be safe, and yours.
TOUCH. JUN. Hope tells me so;
But from your love and time my peace must grow.
TOUCH. SEN. You know the worst then, brother.
[Exit Touchwood jun.]—Now to my Kix,
The barren he and she; they’re i’ the next room;
But to say which of their two humors hold them
Now at this instant, I cannot say truly.
SIR OL. [Within] Thou liest, barrenness!
TOUCH. SEN. O, is’t that time of day? give you joy of your tongue,
There’s nothing else good in you: this their life
The whole day, from eyes open to eyes shut,
Kissing or scolding, and then must be made friends;
Then rail the second part of the first fit out,
And then be pleased again, no man knows which way:
Fall out like giants, and fall in like children;
Their fruit can witness as much.
Enter Sir Oliver Kix and Lady Kix
SIR OL. ’Tis thy fault.
LADY KIX. Mine, drouth and coldness?
SIR OL. Thine; ’tis thou art barren.
LADY KIX. I barren? O life, that I durst but speak now
In mine own justice, in mine own right! I barren?
’Twas otherwise with me when I was at court;
I was ne’er called so till I was married.
SIR OL. I’ll be divorced.
LADY KIX. Be hanged! I need not wish it,
That will come too soon to thee: I may say
Marriage and hanging goes by destiny,
For all the goodness I can find in’t yet.
SIR OL. I’ll give up house, and keep some fruitful whore,
Like an old bachelor, in a tradesman’s chamber;
She and her children shall have all.
LADY KIX. Where be they?
TOUCH. SEN. Pray, cease;
When there are friendlier courses took for you,
To get and multiply within your house
At your own proper costs, in spite of censure,
Methinks an honest peace might be established.
SIR OL. What, with her? never.
TOUCH. SEN. Sweet sir—
SIR OL. You work all in vain.
LADY KIX. Then he doth all like thee.
TOUCH. SEN. Let me entreat, sir—
SIR OL. Singleness confound her!
I took her with one smock.
LADY KIX. But, indeed, you
Came not so single when you came from shipboard.95
SIR OL. [Aside] Heart, she bit sore there!—Prithee, make us friends.
TOUCH. SEN. [Aside] Is’t come to that? the peal begins to cease.
SIR OL. I’ll sell all at an out-cry.96
LADY KIX. Do thy worst, slave!—
Good, sweet sir, bring us into love again.
TOUCH. SEN. [Aside] Some would think this impossible to compass.—
Pray, let this storm fly over.
SIR OL. Good sir, pardon me;
I’m master of this house, which I’ll sell presently;
I’ll clap up bills this evening.
TOUCH. SEN. Lady, friends, come!
LADY KIX. If ever ye loved woman, talk not on’t, sir:
What, friends with him? good faith, do you think I’m mad?
With one that’s scarce th’ hinder quarter of a man?
SIR OL. Thou art nothing of a woman.
LADY KIX. Would I were less than nothing!
[Weeps]
SIR OL. Nay, prithee, what does mean?
LADY KIX. I cannot please you.
SIR OL. I’faith, thou’rt a good soul; he lies that says it;
Buss, buss, pretty rogue.
[Kisses her]
LADY KIX. You care not for me.
TOUCH. SEN. [Aside] Can any man tell now which way they came in?
By this light, I’ll be hanged then!
SIR OL. Is the drink come?
TOUCH. SEN. Here is a little vial of almond-milk—
[Aside] That stood me in97 some threepence.
SIR OL. I hope to see thee, wench, within these few years,
Circled with children, pranking up a girl,
And putting jewels in her little ears;
Fine sport, i’faith!
LADY KIX. Ay, had you been aught, husband,
It had been done ere this time.
SIR OL. Had I been aught?
Hang thee, hadst thou been aught! but a cross thing
I ever found thee.
LADY KIX. Thou’rt a grub, to say so.
SIR OL. A pox on thee!
TOUCH. SEN. [Aside] By this light, they’re out again
At the same door, and no man can tell which way!
Come, here’s your drink, sir.
SIR OL. I’ll not take it now, sir,
An I were sure to get three boys ere midnight.
LADY KIX. Why, there thou show’st now of what breed thou com’st
To hinder generation: O thou villain,
That knows how crookedly the world goes with us
For want of heirs, yet put by98 all good fortune!
SIR OL. Hang, strumpet! I will take it now in spite.
TOUCH. SEN. Then you must ride upon’t five hours.
[Gives vial to Sir Oliver]
SIR OL. I mean so.—
Within there!
Enter Servant
SER. Sir?
SIR OL. Saddle the white mare:
Exit Servant
I’ll take a whore along, and ride to Ware.
LADY KIX. Ride to the devil!
SIR OL. I’ll plague you every way:
Look ye, do you see? ’tis gone.
[Drinks]
LADY KIX. A pox go with it!
SIR OL. Ay, curse, and spare not now.
TOUCH. SEN. Stir up and down, sir;
You must not stand.
SIR OL. Nay, I’m not given to standing.
TOUCH. SEN. So much the better, sir, for the 99
SIR OL. I never could stand long in one place yet;
I learnt it of my father, ever figient.100
How if I crossed101 this, sir?
[Capers]
TOUCH. SEN. O, passing good, sir,
And would show well ’a horseback: when you come to your inn,
If you leapt over a joint-stool or two,
’Twere not amiss [Aside]—although you brake your neck, sir.
SIR OL. What say you to a table thus high, sir?
TOUCH. SEN. Nothing better, sir, if ’t be furnished with good victuals.
You remember how the bargain runs ’bout this business?
SIR OL. Or else I had a bad head: you must receive, sir,
Four hundred pounds of me at four several payments;
One hundred pound now in hand.
TOUCH. SEN. Right, that I have, sir.
SIR OL. Another hundred when my wife is quick;
The third when she’s brought a-bed; and the last hundred
When the child cries, for if ’t should be still-born,
It doth no good, sir.
TOUCH. SEN. All this is even102 still:
A little faster, sir.
SIR OL. Not a whit, sir;
I’m in an excellent pace for any physic.
Re-enter Servant
SER. Your white mare’s ready.
SIR OL. I shall up presently.—
Exit Servant
One kiss and farewell. [Kisses her]
LADY KIX. Thou shalt have two, love.
SIR OL. Expect me about three.
LADY KIX. With all my heart, sweet.
Exit Sir Oliver Kix
TOUCH. SEN. [Aside] By this light, they’ve forgot their anger since,103
And are as far in again as e’er they were!
Which way the devil came they?104 heart, I saw ’em not!
Their ways are beyond finding out.—Come, sweet lady.
LADY KIX. How must I take mine, sir?
TOUCH. SEN. Clean contrary;
Yours must be taken lying.
LADY KIX. A-bed, sir?
TOUCH. SEN. A-bed, or where you will, for your own ease;
Your coach will serve.
LADY KIX. The physic must needs please.
Exeunt
ACT IV, SCENE I
Enter Tim and Tutor
TIM. Negatur argumentum, tutor.105
TUTOR. Probo tibi, pupil, stultus non est animal rationale.
TIM. Falleris sane.
TUTOR. Quœso ut taceas,—probo tibi—
TIM. Quomodo probas, domine?
TUTOR. Stultus non habet rationem, ergo non est animal rationale.
TIM. Sic argumentaris, domine; stultus non habet rationem, ergo non est animal rationale; negatur argumentum again, tutor.
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