Of stature and proportion very comely:
These are most shrewd temptations, Lollio.
LOL. They may be easily answered, sir; if they come to see the fools and madmen, you and I may serve the turn, and let my mistress alone, she’s of neither sort.
ALS. ’Tis a good ward;23 indeed, come they to see
Our madmen or our fools, let ’em see no more
Than what they come for; but that consequent
They must not see her, I’m sure she’s no fool.
LOL. And I’m sure she’s no madman.
ALIB. Hold that buckler fast; Lollio, my trust
Is on thee, and I account it firm and strong.
What hour is’t, Lollio?
LOL. Towards belly-hour, sir.
ALIB. Dinner-time? thou mean’st twelve o’clock?
LOL. Yes, sir, for every part has his hour: we wake at six and look about us, that’s eye-hour; at seven we should pray, that’s knee-hour; at eight walk, that’s leg-hour; at nine gather flowers and pluck a rose,24 that’s nose-hour; at ten we drink, that’s mouth-hour; at eleven lay about us for victuals, that’s hand-hour; at twelve go to dinner, that’s belly-hour.
ALIB. Profoundly, Lollio! it will be long
Ere all thy scholars learn this lesson, and
I did look to have a new one entered;—stay,
I think my expectation is come home.
Enter Pedro, and Antonio disguised as an idiot
PED. Save you, sir; my business speaks itself,
This sight takes off the labor of my tongue.
ALIB. Ay, ay, sir, it is plain enough, you mean
Him for my patient.
PED. And if your pains prove but commodious, to give but some little strength to the sick and weak part of nature in him, these are [gives him money] but patterns to show you of the whole pieces that will follow to you, beside the charge of diet, washing, and other necessaries, fully defrayed.
ALIB. Believe it, sir, there shall no care be wanting.
LOL. Sir, an officer in this place may deserve something, the trouble will pass through my hands.
PED. ’Tis fit something should come to your hands then, sir.
[Gives him money]
LOL. Yes, sir, ’tis I must keep him sweet, and read to him: what is his name?
PED. His name is Antonio; marry, we use but half to him, only Tony.
LOL. Tony, Tony, ’tis enough, and a very good name for a fool.—What’s your name, Tony?
ANT. He, he, he! well, I thank you, cousin; he, he, he!
LOL. Good boy! hold up your head.—He can laugh; I perceive by that he is no beast.
PED. Well, sir,
If you can raise him but to any height,
Any degree of wit, might he attain,
As I might say, to creep but on all four
Towards the chair of wit, or walk on crutches,
’Twould add an honor to your worthy pains,
And a great family might pray for you,
To which he should be heir, had he discretion
To claim and guide his own: assure you, sir,
He is a gentleman.
LOL. Nay, there’s nobody doubted that; at first sight I knew him for a gentleman, he looks no other yet.
PED. Let him have good attendance and sweet lodging.
LOL. AS good as my mistress lies in, sir; and as you allow us time and means, we can raise him to the higher degree of discretion.
PED. Nay, there shall no cost want, sir.
LOL. He will hardly be stretched up to the wit of a magnifico.
PED. O no, that’s not to be expected; far shorter will be enough.
LOL. I’ll warrant you I’ll make him fit to bear office in five weeks; I’ll undertake to wind him up to the wit of constable.
PED. If it be lower than that, it might serve turn.
LOL. No, fie; to level him with a headborough,25 beadle, or watchman, were but little better than he is: constable I’ll able26 him; if he do come to be a justice afterwards, let him thank the keeper: or I’ll go further with you; say I do bring him up to my own pitch, say I make him as wise as myself.
PED. Why, there I would have it.
LOL. Well, go to; either I’ll be as arrant a fool as he, or he shall be as wise as I, and then I think ’twill serve his turn.
PED. Nay, I do like thy wit passing well.
LOL. Yes, you may; yet if I had not been a fool, I had had more wit than I have too; remember what state you find me in.
PED. I will, and so leave you: your best cares, I beseech you.
ALIB. Take you none with you, leave ’em all with us.
Exit Pedro
ANT. O, my cousin’s gone! cousin, cousin, O!
LOL. Peace, peace, Tony; you must not cry, child, you must be whipped if you do; your cousin is here still; I am your cousin, Tony.
ANT. He, he! then I’ll not cry, if thou be’st my cousin; he, he, he!
LOL. I were best try his wit a little, that I may know what form27 to place him in.
ALIB. Ay, do, Lollio, do.
LOL. I must ask him easy questions at first.—Tony, how many true fingers has a tailor on his right hand?
ANT. As many as on his left, cousin.
LOL. Good: and how many on both?
ANT. Two less than a deuce,28 cousin.
LOL. Very well answered: I come to you again, cousin Tony; how many fools goes to a wise man?
ANT. Forty in a day sometimes, cousin.
LOL. Forty in a day? how prove you that?
ANT. All that fall out amongst themselves, and go to a lawyer to be made friends.
LOL. A parlous fool! he must sit in the fourth form at least, I perceive that—I come again, Tony; how many knaves make an honest man?
ANT. I know not that, cousin.
LOL. No, the question is too hard for you: I’ll tell you, cousin; there’s three knaves may make an honest man, a sergeant, a jailor, and a beadle; the sergeant catches him, the jailor holds him, and the beadle lashes him; and if he be not honest then, the hangman must cure him.
ANT. Ha, ha, ha! that’s fine sport, cousin.
ALIB. This was too deep a question for the fool, Lollio.
LOL. Yes, this might have served yourself, though I say’t.—Once more and you shall go play, Tony.
ANT. Ay, play at push-pin,29 cousin; ha, he!
LOL. So thou shalt: say how many fools are here—
ANT. Two, cousin; thou and I.
LOL. Nay, you’re too forward there, Tony: mark my question; how many fools and knaves are here; a fool before a knave, a fool behind a knave, between every two fools a knave; how many fools, how many knaves?
ANT. I never learnt so far, cousin.
ALIB. Thou puttest too hard questions to him, Lollio.
LOL. I’ll make him understand it easily.—Cousin, stand there.
ANT. Ay, cousin.
LOL. Master, stand you next the fool.
ALIB. Well, Lollio.
LOL. Here’s my place: mark now, Tony, there’s a fool before a knave.
ANT. That’s I, cousin.
LOL. Here’s a fool behind a knave, that’s I; and between us two fools there is a knave, that’s my master; ’tis but we three, that’s all.
ANT. We three, we three, cousin.
1ST MAD. [Within] Put’s head i’ th’ pillory, the bread’s too little.
2ND MAD. [Within] Fly, fly, and he catches the swallow.
3RD MAD. [Within] Give her more onion, or the devil put the rope about her crag.30
LOL. You may hear what time of day it is, the chimes of Bedlam goes.
ALIB. Peace, peace, or the wire31 comes!
3RD MAD. [Within] Cat whore, cat whore! her parmasant, her parmasant!32
ALIB. Peace, I say!—Their hour’s come, they must be fed, Lollio.
LOL. There’s no hope of recovery of that Welsh madman; was undone by a mouse that spoiled him a parmasant; lost his wits for’t.
ALIB. Go to your charg
e, Lollio; I’ll to mine.
LOL. Go you to your madman’s ward, let me alone with your fools.
ALIB. And remember my last charge, Lollio.
Exit
LOL. Of which your patients do you think I am?—Come, Tony, you must amongst your school-fellows now; there’s pretty scholars amongst ’em, I can tell you; there’s some of ’em at stultus, stulta, stultum.
ANT. I would see the madmen, cousin, if they would not bite me.
LOL. NO, they shall not bite thee, Tony.
ANT. They bite when they are at dinner, do they not, coz?
LOL. They bite at dinner indeed, Tony. Well, I hope to get credit by thee; I like thee the best of all the scholars that ever I brought up, and thou shalt prove a wise man, or I’ll prove a fool myself.
Exeunt
ACT II, SCENE I
Enter Beatrice and Jasperino severally
BEAT. O sir, I’m ready now for that fair service
Which makes the name of friend sit glorious on you!
Good angels and this conduct be your guide!
[Giving a paper]
Fitness of time and place is there set down, sir.
JAS. The joy I shall return rewards my service.
Exit
BEAT. How wise is Alsemero in his friend!
It is a sign he makes his choice with judgment;
Then I appear in nothing more approved
Than making choice of him; for ’tis a principle,
He that can choose
That bosom well who of his thoughts partakes,
Proves most discreet in every choice he makes.
Methinks I love now with the eyes of judgment,
And see the way to merit, clearly see it.
A true deserver like a diamond sparkles;
In darkness you may see him, that’s in absence,
Which is the greatest darkness falls on love;
Yet is he best discernèd then
With intellectual eyesight. What’s Piracquo,
My father spends his breath for? and his blessing
Is only mine as I regard his name,
Else it goes from me, and turns head against me,
Transformed into a curse: some speedy way
Must be remembered; he’s so forward too,
So urgent that way, scarce allows me breath
To speak to my new comforts.
Enter De Flores
DE F. [Aside] Yonder’s she;
Whatever ails me, now a-late especially,
I can as well be hanged as refrain seeing her;
Some twenty times a day, nay, not so little,
Do I force errands, frame ways and excuses,
To come into her sight; and I’ve small reason for’t,
And less encouragement, for she baits me still
Every time worse than other; does profess herself
The cruellest enemy to my face in town;
At no hand can abide the sight of me,
As if danger or ill-luck hung in my looks.
I must confess my face is bad enough,
But I know far worse has better fortune,
And not endured alone, but doted on;
And yet such pick-haired33 faces, chins like witches’,
Here and there five hairs whispering in a corner,
As if they grew in fear one of another,
Wrinkles like troughs, where swine-deformity swills
The tears of perjury, that lie there like wash
Fallen from the slimy and dishonest eye;
Yet such a one plucks sweets without restraint,
And has the grace of beauty to his sweet.34
Though my hard fate has thrust me out to servitude,
I tumbled into th’ world a gentleman.
She turns her blessèd eye upon me now,
And I’ll endure all storms before I part with’t.
BEAT. Again?
[Aside] This ominous ill-faced fellow more disturbs me
Than all my other passions.
DE F. [Aside] Now ’t begins again;
I’ll stand this storm of hail, though the stones pelt me.
BEAT. Thy business? what’s thy business?
DE F. [Aside] Soft and fair!
I cannot part so soon now.
BEAT. The villain’s fixed.—
Thou standing toad-pool—
DE F. [Aside] The shower falls amain now.
BEAT. Who sent thee? what’s thy errand? leave my sight!
DE F. My lord, your father, charged me to deliver
A message to you.
BEAT. What, another since?
Do’t, and be hanged then; let me be rid of thee.
DE F. True service merits mercy.
BEAT. What’s thy message?
DE F. Let beauty settle but in patience,
You shall hear all.
BEAT. A dallying, trifling torment!
DE F. Signor Alonzo de Piracquo, lady,
Sole brother to Tomaso de Piracquo—
BEAT. Slave, when wilt make an end?
DE F. Too soon I shall.
BEAT. What all this while of him?
DE F. The said Alonzo,
With the foresaid Tomaso—
BEAT. Yet again?
DE F. Is new alighted.
BEAT. Vengeance strike the news!
Thou thing most loathed, what cause was there in this
To bring thee to my sight?
DE F. My lord, your father,
Charged me to seek you out.
BEAT. Is there no other
To send his errand by?
DE F. It seems ’tis my luck
To be i’ th’ way still.
BEAT. Get thee from me!
DE F. So:
[Aside] Why, am not I an ass to devise ways
Thus to be railed at? I must see her still!
I shall have a mad qualm within this hour again,
I know’t; and, like a common Garden-bull,35
I do but take breath to be lugged36 again.
What this may bode I know not; I’ll despair the less,
Because there’s daily precedents of bad faces
Beloved beyond all reason; these foul chops
May come into favor one day ’mongst their fellows:
Wrangling has proved the mistress of good pastime;
As children cry themselves asleep, I ha’ seen
Women have chid themselves a-bed to men.
Exit
BEAT. I never see this fellow but I think
Of some harm towards me, danger’s in my mind still;
I scarce leave trembling of37 an hour after:
The next good mood I find my father in,
I’ll get him quite discarded. O, I was
Lost in this small disturbance, and forgot
Affliction’s fiercer torment that now comes
To bear down all my comforts!
Enter Vermandero, Alonzo, and Tomaso
VER. You’re both welcome,
But an especial one belongs to you, sir,
To whose most noble name our love presents
Th’ addition38 of a son, our son Alonzo.
ALON. The treasury of honor cannot bring forth
A title I should more rejoice in, sir.
VER. You have improved it well.—Daughter, prepare;
The day will steal upon thee suddenly.
BEAT. [Aside] Howe’er I will be sure to keep the night,
If it should come so near me.
[Beatrice and Vermandero talk apart]
TOM. Alonzo.
ALON. Brother?
TOM. In troth I see small welcome in her eye.
ALON. Fie, you are too severe a censurer
Of love in all points, there’s no bringing on you:39
If lovers should mark everything a fault,
Affection would be like an ill-set book,
Whose faults might prove as big as half the volume.
BEAT. That’
s all I do entreat.
VER. It is but reasonable;
I’ll see what my son says to’t.—Son Alonzo,
Here is a motion made but to reprieve
A maidenhead three days longer; the request
Is not far out of reason, for indeed
The former time is pinching.40
ALON. Though my joys
Be set back so much time as I could wish
They had been forward, yet since she desires it,
The time is set as pleasing as before,
I find no gladness wanting.
VER. May I ever
Meet it in that point still! you’re nobly welcome, sirs.
Exit with Beatrice
TOM. So; did you mark the dulness of her parting now?
ALON. What dulness? thou art so exceptious41 still!
TOM. Why, let it go then; I am but a fool
To mark your harms so heedfully.
ALON. Where’s the oversight?
TOM. Come, your faith’s cozened in her, strongly cozened:
Unsettle your affections with all speed
Wisdom can bring it to; your peace is ruined else.
Think what a torment ’tis to marry one
Whose heart is leaped into another’s bosom:
If ever pleasure she receive from thee,
It comes not in thy name, or of thy gift;
She lies but with another in thine arms,
He the half-father unto all thy children
In the conception; if he get ’em not,
She helps to get ’em for him; and how dangerous
And shameful her restraint may go in time to,
It is not to be thought on without sufferings.
ALON. You speak as if she loved some other, then.
TOM. Do you apprehend so slowly?
ALON. Nay, an that
Be your fear only, I am safe enough:
Preserve your friendship and your counsel, brother,
For times of more distress; I should depart
An enemy, a dangerous, deadly one,
To any but thyself, that should but think
She knew the meaning of inconstancy,
Much less the use and practice: yet we’re friends;
Pray, let no more be urged; I can endure
Much, till I meet an injury to her,
Then I am not myself. Farewell, sweet brother;
How much we’re bound to Heaven to depart lovingly.
Exit
TOM. Why, here is love’s tame madness; thus a man
Quickly steals into his vexation.
Exit
SCENE II
The Duchess of Malfi Page 58