by Amy Davies
“But you want to shag at some point tonight. Babe, I’m free, let’s hit the bathroom,” she says. Fucking hell, when did girls get so brazen as to offer up a quickie in the toilets?
“Oh honey, you don’t need to be so fucking desperate. I’m not going home with you tonight, so don’t bother trying.” I tap Luke’s arm and lean in to speak in his ear.
“Dude, I’m going to get a drink - which was the whole fucking point of you dragging me out tonight,” I tell him. I’m fucking pissed at him. I’m going to have one or two drinks and then head home. I walk farther down the bar and I see the one girl who has been invaded my thoughts for the past two weeks. Rachel fucking Cullen. And she is dancing all over some guy, rubbing her body all over his. My blood boils beneath my skin and I start moving forward. Her eyes come up and her gaze lands on me. Her face falls but she recovers quickly. I keep moving, our eyes locked, never wavering. I am beyond fucking angry at her right now. My body is buzzing. I stop next to them, my gaze staying on the woman I thought had feelings for me, deep down.
“Rachel,” I grit out her name. She’s stopped dancing but the muppet she is standing with is oblivious to the fact that she’s stopped moving. I take a step closer and, finally, the guy notices that Rachel is no longer dancing with him. He lifts his head and his eyes take me in. He sees the fury covering my face, and his gaze assesses me to see if he can take me. No such luck fucker, plus I have Luke here.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I ask her. She looks to the bloke and then back to me. She shrugs her shoulders and answers me.
“Dancing. What does it look like?”
“Really. This is how you want to play this? This is what you have to say to me after two fucking weeks of no contact.” My anger is building. I ignore the fucker standing next to her, still with his arms around her waist. I snap and grab her arm, tugging her away from him. I pull her towards the front door - we need a quieter place to talk. I need to get a few things off my chest, and I think she needs to come clean about some shit. I hear the guy yelling at me to stop but I ignore him. This is between Rachel and me, no fucker else. We walk past Luke and the three girls. He’s now sucking face with the brunette. I punch his arm and he lifts his head. I nod towards the front door and he gives me a nod back. He sees Rachel and a frown appears on his face. I still have her arm locked in a firm grip, but not enough to hurt her or leave a mark.
I give the doorman a chin lift as we exit the nightclub. The chilled air hits my heated skin and I feel Rachel shiver behind me, but again I ignore the reaction. I keep pulling her until we get to the side of the building. It’s dirty and smells like piss but it will have to do.
“Two weeks of not contacting me. Is this why? You’ve been shagging your way through town?” I bite out. The guy she was dancing with comes barreling around the corner before she can answer my question.
“What the fuck, man?”
“Fuck off, this has nothing to do with you. This is between me and her,” I say, pointing to Rachel, who is now leaning against the brick wall.
“It doesn’t look like she wants to talk with you. Come on, sweetheart, let’s go back inside.” He holds his hand out for Rachel. I snap my gaze to hers and she freezes. My eyes bore into hers, daring her to go back inside with this tool.
“Don’t you dare move,” I growl at her.
“What the fuck? Back off, mate. I’m taking her inside, she clearly doesn’t want to be out here with you.” He goes to shove past me but a large hand stops him. I see Luke standing behind him.
“I say let them talk, or I can give you a love tap and you can be unconscious while they talk. Up to you, pal.”
“Piss off,” the muppet says as he turns around to see Luke. His eyes widen as he takes in Luke’s size.
“You were saying?” Luke says, amused.
“Hey, listen, I just wanted to get the lady away from this bloke. He’s scaring her. No harm done.” Fucking wimp.
“They’re a couple, and she’s being a bitch. So why don’t you run along before you get up close and personal with my fist.”
“BITCH! Did you just call me a fucking bitch?” Rachel screeches from beside me.
“I did. You’re fucking up my boy here. He’s better off without you.” That’s Luke alright. Blunt as a fucking butter knife.
“Luke,” I say in a warning tone.
“What? It’s fucking true and you know it. I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking.” He shrugs his shoulders and pulls his phone out of his pocket, acting bored with this conversation.
“You’re a fucking twat, Luke. Do you hear me?”
“Yep,” is all he says. I chuckle and Rachel’s head snaps back to look at me. I cock an eyebrow at her, waiting to see what she has to say. I know she’s going to lash out at me but I don’t give a fuck.
“And you. Who the bloody hell do you think you are? Coming here tonight and cockblocking me. God, you are such a knob. I’m going back inside. I am fucking done with you. Don’t contact me again. You want what I can’t give you, it’s better to end this shit now. Fucking hell.” Her words cut me like a knife, even though I kinda knew how she felt, but it still hurts. I stumble back a little, my shocked expression locked on her angry one. She’s just as livid as I was when I saw her in there, dancing with that man.
“Done? We would have had to have started something in the first place, for us to be done. You never let me get close to you, Rach. For fucks sake. Why?” I ask her, my anger showing through again.
“Why? I don’t want to settle down - at all, Jay. I have told you this over and over again, but you chose to ignore it. You want more and I can’t give you that. Just leave me the fuck alone.” She screams the last few words. She goes to stomp off but I grab her wrist and pull her to a stop. She swings her body around to face me. The anger is rolling off her, but I don’t give a fuck. Things need to be fucking sorted, we can’t go on the way things have been. I feel like a fucking ping pong ball, being hit back and forth.
“Rach, we need to talk. You’re angry right now and have no doubt been drinking, but we need to sort things out. We need to see where the hell we are going with this.” I gesture between her and me. “What do you want out of this? Be fucking honest with me for once, Rach. I can’t take the games anymore.” I don’t give a fuck if I sound like a girl right now, I am so fucking over her bullshit games.
“I want nothing, Jay. You want kids and a perfect fucking wife. Well, I can’t do that, I’m not built that way. I-I just want to love and have fun. Simple really. So, there’s no point in carrying on anything we started. You want one thing and I want another. Find a nice girl who will treat you right. I will never be that girl; I like fucking around, I like the freedom. Sorry.” She walks past me, and this time I let her. Her words have stunned me. I can’t move. I stare at the brick wall in front of me and start to count the red bricks, subconsciously. My heart is pounding in my chest and my breathing is heavy. I know that it’s stupid for me to feel this way, but I honest to fucking God thought she would want more, the more time we spent together. What a dick I am to think that. She has made an absolute fucking fool out of me.
“Rachel,” I call, and turn to face her. She stands there and waits to see what I have to say. A frown on her beautiful face. “You really made a fool out of me, didn’t you? Well, you know what? Fuck you, Rach, fuck you for making me think that we had something here. That we could possibly become something more. I am worth ten of you, and I will find a girl that will love me for me. Who will give me the fucking world. The perfect kids and the perfect house. You? Well, you will still be shagging fucking wankers when you’re old and saggy, because you will never learn to let people in and love you. Have a nice fucking life.” I storm past her but she stops me as she whispers.
“I hope you get it all, Jay. I truly do.” With that, she walks back into the club. I watch her go. She made me see that it’s for the best that we part ways now, before I invest more feelings in her. Feelings that I can cle
arly see she would never have given back to me. Luke leans against the wall, looking bored, as usual.
“You done?” he asks, looking up from his phone.
“So fucking done. Let’s get out of here, I need a fucking drink.” He nods his head and we walk away from the club, leaving Rach to find herself an empty fuck for the night. It’s something I have never been good at: one-night stands, but I am a bloke after all and we have needs. But obviously something has happened to Rachel in the past for her to have these feelings, and there was never going to be a chance that I could get her to feel for me what I was starting to feel for her. This is for the best. Yes, she ripped me open, but now I need to find someone to stitch me back together.
rachel
I roll over in my bed and my stomach rolls in the other direction. Holy crap, I am hungover. Why did I drink so much last night? Everything that happened comes flooding back into my head, causing the pounding to increase. Oh God. I bury my head in the pillow, praying like fuck that the spinning stops. When I went back into the bar after the bust up with Jay, I drank like a fucking fish. Shot after shot. Gavin matched my shots. I’m pretty sure he turned into Jay at some point last night, after the many shots of tequila. I’m sure we stopped with the salt and limes after a few more. My mouth tastes like a week-old ham sandwich. I slowly sit up, dangling my legs over the side of the bed, getting my bearings before I attempt to stand. A warm hand touches my back, making me yelp in surprise.
“Hey. Are you okay?” I turn my head around to see who I brought home with me. Not that I had a clue that I did bring someone home with me. I see Gavin laying there, looking truly shagged. His hair is sticking up in every direction. He looks so relaxed, sleepy still. I smile at him.
“Yeah, just feeling a little nauseated. Be right back, I need to use the bathroom.” I don’t wait for his reply. I pick up my dressing gown from the floor and put it on. Once I’ve done what I needed to do, I lean on the vanity and take a good, hard look at myself in the mirror. A horror story stares back at me. My hair is matted; my makeup smudged all over the place. I wash my hands and splash a little water on my face, trying to clear the fog clogging up my brain. Last night was an absolute mess, but a part of me knows it needed to be done. Now Jay hates me and I have some random bloke in my bed. I shake my head and move towards the shower, before reaching to switch the water on. Not waiting for it to warm up, I climb in. The coldness wakes me up but soon the warm water is washing over me, taking away the shitty night I had.
Everything that has been said between Jay and I, even the tense moment with Penny and I comes flooding back, causing my head and heart to hurt. Why can’t I give him what he needs?
Because everyone leaves you and you hate the feeling of being helpless.
The words slice through my head, making me shiver at the truth and pain in them. Fuck my life, I need to get out of here. I quickly wash my hair and body and then climb out. After a quick towel dry, I walk back into my bedroom. Gavin is sitting on my bed, fully dressed. He lifts his head and offers a small smile.
“You okay?” he asks. I nod my head.
“Yeah, I just need to get going. I have to meet my best friend in an hour,” I lie. I just need to get out of the house and clear my head.
“That’s fine. I know all the shit that went down last night with that lad. I don’t know what’s going on with you two but I like you, so... Can I call you sometime?” Shit, I thought this was a one-night thing.
“Shit,” I whisper, and walk towards my wardrobe. I pull out a simple dress that I can wear my flat shoes with. I am not in the mood to doll-up today. This hangover is killing me. I turn to face him.
“I’m in a crappy place right now, Gav. If we had met at a different time, then maybe…” I leave the sentence hanging.
“Yeah, I get it. I’ll see you around, Rach.” He walks over to me and kisses my cheek, before quietly leaving my house. I hold my breath, waiting for the front door to shut behind him. I hear the noise of the door opening and closing, and I collapse onto my bed. Shit. Why can’t things in life be bloody easy. I finish getting ready for the day and head into town. I need to pick a few things up, ready for my next bout of night shifts.
* * *
Not even an hour later, I’m walking through town, smiling at people who pass me. The sunshine is lightening my mood. All that vitamin D does wonders to the body. I pop into a small bakery boutique that sells the most amazing cakes. I would marry these if I could. Mouth-gasm.
“Hi, Martha. Can I have my usual, please?” I ask the older lady that owns the shop.
“Big night?” she asks, smirking at me. She knows me well. I always ask for my usual when I’m hungover. The pastry helps soak up the alcohol – well, that's my excuse anyway. I smile at her and watch as she boxes up the deliciousness.
“You could say that, yeah.” I say. I push down any thoughts of last night. Of Jay. I can’t go there anymore, it will only hurt in the end, so what’s the point in starting anything. I know it will end with me being hurt. Whether he leaves me or I leave him, the pain is guaranteed. As she places the box on the counter, I force my now frowning face into a polite smile once more.
“You need to find yourself a nice boy and settle down. A pretty girl like you needs a man to look after her. My sweet Michael… Oh, he doted on me and our children. God rest his soul. He was the best man I could have asked for. You young ‘uns these days want to sleep around and be wild, which is great, don’t get me wrong. But nothing beats coming home to the family after a long, hard day at work.” I stand frozen, listening to her words that bounce around my head. But they do just that: bounce, not sink in. Her words have an impact on me but not enough make me want what she had. Because just like her husband, dying and leaving her… I know I won’t survive that. So, I refuse to put myself through it.
“I’ll find a nice boy one day, Martha, I promise. But for now, I’m married to my job, which is important to me. Thanks for these,” I say, lifting the box of cakes and walking out of the bakery. I walk out into the sunlight and make my way down to the bigger supermarket to get what I need for work.
Martha’s words are still rattling around my head when I see him. Jay Castle. The man that has been in my thoughts for months, who I can’t get over taking things further with. But at this moment, jealousy rages through me. He’s talking to a woman. A very pretty woman with short blonde hair that reaches her shoulders. She’s slender but looks toned, and wearing a black dungaree dress with a white crop top underneath and white trainers.
He says something to her and she throws her head back and laughs. I instantly hate her. The feelings that are running through me make no sense. I know I shouldn't be jealous of her, Jay isn’t mine and he never will be, but the feelings seeping into my blood makes me hate him just as I hate her. I hate that he makes me feel like this. The feeling of being torn. I know I can't give him what he wants, so these stupid feelings are moot.
I stand and stare at their interaction. Mixed emotions race through my body. I watch as she lifts the hem of her dress a little and Jay’s face lights up. Fucking slag. To flash him in broad daylight! Bloody hell. I watch as Jay bends to get a closer look at whatever she’s showing him. His hand slowly lifts to touch her skin, and that's when all my resolve snaps.
“Wanker,” I say louder that I should have. I never use that word but it slipped out, warranted at this moment. A gasp comes from my side as an elderly lady walks past me. I mutter a ‘sorry’ before dragging my eyes back to where Jay is standing with the girl, only to find they are both looking in my direction. Great. Just fucking great. I turn around and storm away, not waiting to see if he has anything to say to me. These emotions are driving me crazy. And me feeling crazy, makes me do crazy things.
* * *
What did I say about feeling crazy making me do crazy things? Yeah, well, here I am proving myself right, again. What a tit I am! It’s just past ten at night and I’m waiting at his door for him to answer. The sight of seeing Jay wi
th that girl today, sent me in a tailspin. I need to feel his body against mine. I need to feel his tongue do amazing things to my core. To taste him on my tongue. The feel of him inside me, pumping into me like no other man has. All these mixed emotions are running rampant in my head and heart. I still know I can’t be with him, but my selfish desires are leading the way right now. The door opens and there he is. Jay Castle in all his half naked glory. He stands there in a pair of grey jogging bottoms that hang low on his hips. That special V standing to attention. He sighs loudly, making my gaze snap to his.
“What are you doing here, Rachel?” He sounds pissed.
“I wanted to say that I’m sorry. Can I come in? I really don’t want to be standing out here all night.”
“Fine.” He sighs again. He opens the door a little more and moves to one side so I can walk past him. His house is amazing. I remove my coat and drop it to the floor, smiling when I hear Jay take in a sharp breath behind me - he likes what he sees. Tonight, I decided to wear my red and black lace two piece. The lace corset matches the lace knickers. The red panels are silk and the black lace covers the sides. The knickers have the lace panel right over my wet, pulsing mound. It’s waiting for Jay to come and have some fun. I finished off my look with black peep-toe pumps. I turn and smile up at him. I see his fists are clenching at his sides, he is trying so hard not to touch me.
“Do you like it?” I ask seductively. I lick my lips but Jay’s eyes stay locked on mine.
“Rachel.” His tone is carrying a warning. A warning for what, I don’t know yet.
“What? Don’t you like it?” I step closer to him and lay my hand on his hard chest. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Finally, he opens them and looks at me, directly into my eyes as if he’s searching for something. Different emotions slide through his face and I find it hard to read him.
“Stop.” He steps back from me. “Why are you here, Rach?” he asks again, like he didn’t believe my earlier answer.