by Dana Mason
“Is that a bad thing?” he asks.
“It’s not a good thing. We’re not exactly in the position to have another accident. Especially since our daughter doesn’t even know what’s happening between us.”
He lifts his hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear as his eyes ease back open. “I don’t care, Rachel. The rest of the world is going to have to get used to this because I’m not going anywhere.”
“I hope not. I don’t think I could live through losing you again.”
“I missed the last time my child grew inside you. I won’t miss it again… no matter when that happens. I don’t care if it’s now, next year, or in five years. I won’t miss one single day of it.”
My heart flutters at his declaration. I take a good long look at him and I believe him. Knowing I don’t have to live another day without him relaxes me. “Okay…”
He drags me closer and kisses me slowly and as he does, I feel his cock twitch against me.
“How are you not exhausted?”
“I am. My dick… not so much.”
I laugh at that and I lay my hand on his face. “I love you. Get some rest.”
A moment later, he’s snoring lightly and it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t even want to sleep. I just want to lay here and listen to him breathe… next to me.
Forty
Michael
I hated—and I mean hated—leaving Rachel sleeping this morning, but I had to get to my coaches’ meeting in time. She deserves to wake up next to someone every damn day. We’ll get there, eventually. But first, I need to get through this grand opening weekend, then I’ll have a little more time to spend with her.
She looked so beautiful and content when I got out of bed. And damn, the woman is a heavy sleeper. It was almost scary how far I made it not only inside her house last night, but in bed with her. I had my hands on her before she even stirred.
It was the same this morning. I got up, showered, dressed, and was gone before she even batted an eyelid. I miss her though, and it’s only been a few hours. I look around to see what I need to do next. It’s quietened down a little and it’s the first time I’ve stood still for more than a minute all day.
Mac’s on the patio with his broadcasting crew, with Kelley hovering nearby. Brianna is in the middle of a Pilates demonstration. Gavin is in the middle of a class in the open gym and I’ve been personally greeting every visitor and explaining what we do. I’m exhausted and tired of talking, but that’s okay. At least my fear of not having people show up hasn’t come true. We’ve gotten larger crowds than I was expecting.
I quickly turn when I hear a car door slam just beyond the roll-up doors. It’s my parents with Diana and Olivia. They’re all smiles and ready to work out in their gym clothes. I almost laugh at the sight of them.
Diana points to me and says, “That smile says it all. Everything must be going well.”
“Yes! I couldn’t ask for better. Seriously.”
She gives me a big hug and whispers, “I take it you didn’t sleep here last night.”
“Aha! No, I didn’t.” I withdraw and greet Olivia first with a hug that lifts her off her feet. Once she’s back on the ground, she goes to play in the bouncy house set up for the kids. Then I hug my parents. They’re both focused intently on the class currently working out. I’m so glad I warned everyone to expect to be watched today. Thankfully, nobody seems bothered by it.
My parents start to wander around and head toward the back patio where Mac and Kelley are and that’s when my sister pins me down. “Where’s Raegan? I thought they’d be here today.”
“Raegan spent the night with her grandmother last night and that’s why I didn’t come home. Rachel should be here with her anytime now. I’m actually a little surprised they’re not here yet, but I’ve been too busy to message them.”
“Wow! That many people dropping in?”
“Yes, and I have to explain the membership to each of them. I’ve gotten several sign-ups though. So many I’m gonna need to hire more coaches.” I point to Gavin and say, “Thankfully, Gavin can hang out in Sac for the next few weeks until we get some help.”
“How long before he starts searching for the next location?” she asks, eyeing him.
“He’s already searching, but the plan is to finalize something in a year. That gives us time to get this place fully settled.” I glance over when another car enters the parking lot. “There they are,” I say, heading out to greet them. Rachel gets out of the car and that’s when I realize she’s alone. “Where’s Raegan?”
She looks upset but calm. “I’m not sure. She wasn’t there when I went to pick her up. Uncle Mitch said they went shopping together, but they’re not answering my text messages.”
“I thought Raegan wanted to be here today. What the hell?” My voice is raised but I can’t help it. I’m upset, even a little hurt that she’s not here. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m sorry, Michael. I don’t understand either. She was looking forward to today.”
I point to her and say, “This is your mother’s doing.” I pace in a circle, trying to calm my anger. “She’s behind this. She’s purposely keeping Raegan away from me.”
“I’m sorry, Michael.” She lifts her keys back out of her purse and says, “I’ll go look for her.”
I close my eyes and shake my head. “What’s the point? If Raegan wanted to be here, she would be. Right?”
Before Rachel has a chance to answer my question, Gavin’s class breaks up and people start saying their goodbyes. I shake a few hands as they’re leaving, then I walk over to Gavin. “I need twenty minutes. Can you handle shit here for that long?”
He gives me a thumbs-up and says, “Yeah, you’re overdue for a break. I got this covered.”
I nod a thank you as I turn away and walk back to Rachel. “Let’s go into the office and try to call her. Maybe she’ll answer if I call.”
Diana and Rachel both follow me in and I close the door behind them. I quickly dial Raegan’s phone number and wait. She sends me straight to voicemail. I disconnect and shake my head. “I don’t get it.”
I feel bad for being angry at Rachel, but I can’t help but think this is her mom’s doing. I was looking forward to today. I was looking forward to sharing it with Raegan and now she’s not here and we don’t even know why. How do you brush it off when your kid hurts your feelings? I have no idea. I just wish I knew what was going on.
“I’m going to look for her.” Rachel tugs the office door open and says, “I’ll let you know when I find her.”
After she’s gone, I plop into my desk chair and put my phone on the desk. “I don’t get it, Diana.”
“I wish I understood too. I can’t imagine why she’s ignoring us… but I’m absolutely sure it’s not Rachel’s fault.”
“Fuck. I know. I’m sorry I snapped at her, but I know Raegan’s doing this on purpose.”
“She might be, but that’s still not Rachel’s fault.”
“I’ll apologize when she gets back.” I grab my phone and try Raegan again. It goes straight to voicemail so I leave her a message. “I don’t understand, Raegan. I thought you wanted to be a part of this grand opening. You worked as hard as I did all week… This isn’t just about me. It’s about what we did together… and now you’re not here. I miss you and I really wanted to share this with you. What’s up, kid? What’d I do wrong? I can’t fix it if you don’t talk to me. Call me back. I love you… I don’t know if I’ve said that yet, but it’s true.”
I disconnect and lean back in my chair. I take the next ten minutes trying to calm my nerves. I have to coach the next class so I need to get back on task. After several more deep breaths, I get up to walk back out to the open gym but I’m stopped when my phone rings.
“Hello, did you find her?”
“Yeah. Michael, I’m sorry for this.”
“I know. I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I know it’s not your fault. What’s happening? Are
you bringing her here?”
“No, I’m taking her home. She’s got a serious attitude and I didn’t want to bring her around your parents when she’s being such a brat. I’m so sorry. I’m hoping she gets over it before dinner tonight.”
“Wow… that sucks, Rachel.”
“I know you wanted her there today. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into her.”
I can hear the frustration in her voice and I feel just as frustrated. I shrug, even though I know she can’t see it. “All right. I guess we’ll see you when we get there this evening.”
“I’m not staying home with her. I’m coming back to the gym. Just because she’s a jerk doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be there. I want to support you.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that, but I think you should stay with Raegan. Maybe she’ll confide in you and tell you what’s going on with her.” I clear my throat in an effort to hide the disappointment in my voice. “Besides, I have everyone here. I have support, babe. Thank you though.”
“Michael… are you sure? It’s really okay to leave her here for a few hours alone.”
“I’m sure.” I walk into my office and sit down. My body is heavy and I need to get off my feet for a few minutes. “There’s something up with her. I don’t see her acting like this for no reason at all. Until we know what’s going on, you should probably be there for her.”
Forty-One
Rachel
Dear Michael,
Life is full of surprises. Today, I learn that four-year-olds like to wander off on their own when you’re not watching. Do you have any idea how fast kids can disappear? I didn’t either. I only looked away for a second, and then she was gone.
Yes, I lost our child today. It’s been the scariest day of my entire life. It’s okay. We’re home now and safe, but she gave me such a fright. I’m so happy she’s okay, yet so mad at her for putting me through that. It’s crazy, you know? Crazy how you can love someone so much yet be so angry at the same time. It’s the strangest feeling. There’s no love like the love we have for our children. One day I hope you get to experience it. Maybe one day you’ll see Raegan. Maybe one day we’ll meet again, and you’ll tell me you love me and we’ll be a family. Just like we always should have been.
I miss you terribly. My heart aches daily for you and for what you’re missing and for what Raegan is missing by not having you in her life. You’d be such a great dad. You always were so caring and loving.
I’m in college, BTW. I started my third year at Sac State. It’s not so bad. I’m not like all the other students. I’m twenty, and I already have a four-year-old, but that’s okay. I’ve made a few friends and even been out on a few dates. Of course, they don’t usually work out. Once they find out I’m a mom, they suddenly don’t have time to date. That’s okay, though. I’ve found that whenever I’m with someone else, all I can do is think about you.
How’s the University of Oregon? I hope you’re enjoying everything there is to enjoy about college life.
Here’s a fun fact: Raegan’s favorite color is red.
Here’s another fun fact: Raegan is so damn cute, it’s hard to be mad at her for very long.
I love you… still,
Rachel
Forty-Two
Raegan
I’m been ignoring my mom’s text messages. Eventually, I’m gonna have to answer her, but I’m not sure what to say. I’m not sure how to get rid of Mike. At this point, my only plan of action is to be a complete jerk to him in the hope that it scares him off. Nobody wants to deal with bratty teenagers. If he doesn’t want to be around me, he won’t need to be around Mom. She’ll be safe from him and we can go back to the way things were before.
When Grandma comes into the room, she smiles at me and says, “So, what’s the plan? Should I take you home, Raegan?”
“No. I’m sure my mom’s looking for me but I really don’t want to go. I’m not sure what to do. I’m worried about her and I feel like I’ve pushed her into having to deal with an abuser.”
“You have to take it one day at a time, Raegan. He’ll show his true colors soon enough, so be careful.”
I hear the front door open and I know it’s my mom, and I can tell by the sound of her footsteps that she’s pissed.
I hear her before I see her. “Raegan, you ready? We need to go.” She comes in and says, “What are you playing at, Mother?”
Grandma looks a little shocked, but I know it’s my fault. I’m the one who didn’t want to go home.
“Mom, Grandma hasn’t done anything wrong.”
She looks at me and says, “We had plans today. Where have you been?”
“I went to breakfast with Grandma and we did a little shopping. I’m ready so we can go now. You don’t have to be all huffy with everyone.”
“Raegan Elizabeth, do not speak to me like that. I’ve been trying to reach you all day and you’ve ignored me.”
“My battery died!”
“The house phone still works. Your grandmother’s phone still works.”
“Whatever, Mom. Let’s just go!” I shout back at her. Jeez, she doesn’t need to be so mean to me. I’m doing this for her. She’ll be better off once Mike is out of our lives.
My mom doesn’t say two words to me on the way home. I know she’s mad. I know she’s upset that I didn’t go to the grand opening, but if she knew why… If she knew I knew about Mike’s abuse all those years ago, she’d appreciate my effort.
When we get inside the house, my mom goes to her room to make a call. I know she’s calling Mike, but I don’t care. I go to my room and slam the door. I need to keep up the act if I’m really going to scare him away. He can’t think this is a one-time thing. He needs to know that I’m horrible all the time. Mom’s going to hate it. She might even be embarrassed, but she’ll get over it once it’s just us again.
It’s not that hard to act mad. I am so disappointed in Mike. I thought he was a nice guy. I thought he cared about my mom. Now I know he’s just a… what was the word Grandma used… narcissist. I get out my computer and Google it. I want to make sure I understand what kind of person I come from. I don’t want to turn into him.
I read the definition and I have trouble putting Mike into that category. Yeah, he looks good and he cares about his looks, but mostly, he really cares about his health. But if everything my grandma says is true, he’s worse than the typical narcissist.
While I’m looking it up, my mom comes into my room. She really looks upset, but I know I need to stick with this. I can’t let my sympathy for her keep me from doing what I need to do… even if it means I don’t get to have a father.
She comes in and sits on the end of my bed so I close my laptop. I don’t want her to see what I’m looking at. “Raegan, are you going to tell me what’s happening?”
“Mom, there is nothing going on. I don’t want to go to the gym. Why is it so important for me to be there?”
“It’s an important day for Mike. It was important to him for us to be there. He’s hurt that you’re acting like you don’t care.”
“I’m not acting. I actually don’t care.”
“Stop, Raegan, I know you don’t mean that.”
“I do, Mom.”
“Please, please adjust your attitude before the Murphys get here this evening. I need you to behave yourself.”
This really makes me feel bad because I was excited about having a large family and cousins too. “What am I doing wrong?”
“Excuse me? Your attitude? Do you not recognize how you’re acting?” I think she’s waiting for me to say something, but I don’t have anything to say. I’ll do what I need to do to save her. Even if it hurts.
“I’m just not interested in hanging out at the gym again today.”
“Honey, did Grandma do something… or say something to upset you?” She bites on her lip, like she does sometimes when she doesn’t want to tell me something. “You know, she’s never liked Mike, but that doesn’t mean it should affect
your relationship with him.”
“What about your relationship with him?”
“I’m not sure why you ask that, but my relationship with him shouldn’t affect you either. He’s your dad and that’s not going to change.”
I know that’s not true. If I have a relationship with him, she has to as well. She can’t pretend he doesn’t exist. He’ll be around… like, a lot. I’m not stupid. I have several friends who come from split homes. Weekends with different parents. Constant fighting. I’ve seen it. “You’re reading too much into this, Mom. It’s not about Grandma—and it’s not about you. I just don’t want to go.”
She slaps her hands on her knees and practically jumps up in exacerbation. “Fine, Raegan, but you’d better be on your best behavior when they get here. I’m not kidding. If you act out, you will be punished.”
She won’t even meet my eyes as she leaves my room. I’m sorry, Mom. It’s all I can think. I’m sorry for being such a jerk. I’m sorry for pushing you to bring that man into our lives. I’m sorry I have to act out in order to save you from him. I just wish you’d told me before.
If she’d trusted me in the beginning, I wouldn’t have pushed. I wouldn’t have searched for him. He wouldn’t be in our lives and she wouldn’t have to deal with trying to keep him at arm’s length while also trying to keep me happy.
I fall back on my pillow and try to relax. I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was so worried this wouldn’t work. What if I’m mean to Mike and he takes it out on my mom? What if I make things worse? Maybe I should tell her that I know. What would be the point, though? We all live in the same city. It’s not like we can move away from him… and I know he’s here to stay.
I grab my phone to put my music on and see that I have a voicemail. I click the notification… it’s from Mike. Gosh! Why won’t they leave me alone? I hit the play button and listen to his message. With every word, I feel worse and worse. This cannot be the monster Grandma has portrayed in everything she said. Surely he’s not that good an actor?