by Kerri Rawson
And to love him meant to forgive him . . . and I hadn’t forgiven.
OCTOBER
“You have a stress fracture at the top of your tibia.”
Oh.
I was on the phone with my orthopedic doctor’s office, who had called me with my MRI results. A few weeks ago, I’d been jogging on the treadmill at the gym, pushing myself even though my leg had been aching, when I felt a sharp, stinging pain under my knee. Since then, I’d been on crutches and crawling around on my rear in the house after the kids.
“We want you to stay off it as much as possible; pain is your cue to stop weight-bearing.”
Pain is your cue.
I ached all the time, and now I was grounded: no weekday meetups with church friends, no running errands, no outrunning the deep ache still inside me. The busyness that masked my deep, searing wounds slammed to a sudden halt.
I spent the next several weeks stuck on the couch, stewing over my latest predicament, bawling in pain as I tried to keep my toddler son out of trouble, and wrestling with God.
Quiet, peaceful, easy little life, God. Remember?
But God lets nothing go to waste.
We need to work on your forgiveness problem—we’ve got nothing but time.
I don’t wanna, God.
Do it anyway.
I am a daughter of God, and I was supposed to forgive my father. But I was so hard-hearted that if I knew our pastor was going to preach on forgiveness, I’d skip the service or walk out when he hit that part.
I told the women at church: I hadn’t forgiven my father. But I also told them of God’s unending capacity to forgive: he forgives as far as the east is from the west.1
God calls us to forgive, and I truly believe all people can be forgiven for their sins. I’d written my dad back in 2005: “God is with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you.2 He has loved you even before you were created, he loves you no matter what, and will forgive all your sins if you ask for forgiveness.”
In Isaiah, we read: “Wash yourselves and be clean! Get your sins out of my sight. Give up your evil ways . . . ‘Come now, let’s settle this,’ says the LORD. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.’”3
My father had written after his sentencing he asked God for forgiveness. So even though most people look at me skeptically, my father will be in heaven someday if he has accepted Jesus Christ—who died on the cross for everyone—including him.
I spoke of God’s unending ability to forgive—to love. But I was stubbornly holding out on doing it myself. I didn’t know if I could forgive my dad.
God? Are you asking me to forgive him or to write him also—let him back into my life? I don’t know if I can—I don’t know if I can trust him.
You can trust me—I’m your Father too.
But my father hurt me.
Yes. Remember Joseph?
We had been studying the life of Joseph in Genesis over the fall in my couples’ small group. Joseph’s brothers desired to murder him; they threw Joseph into a cistern before selling him into slavery. Over the next two decades, under the watchful, guiding hand of God, under immensely difficult circumstances, Joseph trusted and relied on God, rising to power within Egypt, overseeing the harvest and storage of grain.
When a famine hit, Joseph’s brothers came to Egypt seeking aid. With his family standing before him, seeking shelter, seeking life, Joseph declared: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”4
Joseph’s declaration to his family struck me square in my heart. Treated with depravity, discarded, sold, Joseph stood up to evil, clung to God, rose above his suffering, and lavished grace upon his tormenters—his family—saving their lives.
My identity didn’t belong to my broken father on earth. My identity was meant to rest in the arms of God—my heavenly Father. Who never fails and never gives up. God was asking me to trust and follow him.
You have a dad problem—which is a trust and obedience problem. You trusted your earthly father, who hurt you, so now you’re holding out on me. You’ve been holding out on me for seven years. Let’s fix that. You have a forgiveness problem, which is a love problem—which is a God problem.
I love you, God.
Then show me—do it.
DECEMBER
Softening over the fall, I asked Mom to mail me all of Dad’s letters from the past five years, and I read through them all.
On a late winter evening, I was driving back from the theater after seeing a movie with a friend, and forgiveness toward my father unexpectedly washed over me while I was sitting at a red light. I was sobbing so hard, I had to pull the car over.
White-hot cleansing light overwhelmed my soul—setting me free. It wasn’t from me—it was from God.
When I got home, I hurried upstairs and burst into our office, telling Darian I’d forgiven my father. I then sat down and wrote him for the first time in five years. After filling pages full of the past years, I finished my letter:
Wanted to make sure you heard from me; I hope you get this before Christmas. I miss you and think often of all the good times. I wonder about you a lot, how you are.
My prayer since 2005 has been for a quiet, peaceful life, and God has answered in abundance. I have a wonderful husband, two amazing kids.
I have come to terms with what happened with you and laid it to rest. I’m never going to understand it, but I forgive you.
I’m sorry, and I miss you.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to make it for a visit but know I love you and hope to see you in heaven someday.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”5
I realized my letter was filled with news of grandkids my dad won’t ever meet and my life he won’t ever get to be a part of again. I know now he cost himself this life—the one he lost—when he decided to take others’ lives from them.
EPILOGUE
On the Good Days
I’d been holding on too tightly to the bandages I wrapped around my wounds years ago, wearing my armor to protect my heart from getting hurt again. I wasn’t just holding out on my dad and myself, I was holding out on God. I was rotting within, so I forgave my dad for myself.
After I forgave my father, the rot was removed, the hardness lifted, and I came back to myself—the old me I thought was long lost, gone forever.
God led me through the canyon, one foot in front of the other, and God saw me minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, through all that followed.
One foot in front of the other, I continued forward after forgiveness. I began to unwrap the bandages, letting light and air in so my wounds could truly heal, rather than just be protected. Two years after forgiving my dad, I gave my first interview to the Eagle.
I began to share the story of my life, who my father was to me, and who God is to all of us. In the summer that followed, I shared my story with thousands at my church; my pastor tied my story to Joseph’s, whom he called an unlikely hero.
There have been massive struggles since forgiving my dad too. Return trips to therapy, suppressed trauma finally finding the light, almost nightly battles with night terrors, and PTSD that can still rear its ugly head. Anxiety can still seize me, and depression can still send me to the bottom of despair. But God has walked by my side through all of it—seeing me through, just as he did from the very beginning.
I’m now able to say—without shame or fear—I’m a trauma, crime, and abuse victim. I live with anxiety, depression, and PTSD.
What’s in my past is what it is; it can’t be changed—Dad murdered ten people and devastated countless lives. Yet on the days when I’m not wrestling with hard, terrible truths, I will tell you: I love my dad—the one I mainly knew. I miss him.
On the good days,
memories fill my soul.
When I was a little girl, I would slip my tiny feet into Dad’s brown leather boots with zippers on the side and stomp around, making a racket on our white kitchen tile. I’d usually fall over giggling, and Dad would chuckle too. He’d set me back up with an “ups-a-daisy,” his calloused, working-man hands gently placed under my arms. He’d tug on one of my pigtails, call me Sunshine, and send me on my way, barefoot, my yellow gingham sundress swishing around me.
On the good days—I’m as near as I can be to being healed. On the good days, I think of writing my dad—sharing the latest about my life.
Acknowledgments
It started with the question, “What’s next?” And that led to the best agent in the world, Doug Grad. Thank you, Doug, for your belief in me, unending patience, and years of work, to get this greenhorn scaling glaciers. L. Kelly, girls got to have each other’s backs and you’ve had mine. Thank you for getting my heart and head going again and showing me what was possible if I only moved out of the rocks.
A huge thank you to Nelson Books and Brian Hampton, for taking a chance on me and to Jenny Baumgartner, my editor with the patience and faith of a saint. Jenny, thank you for enduring my false starts, my stalls, my breakdowns, and my many months and words over. Thank you for your friendship and kindness. We got through it together and for that, I will always be grateful.
A big thanks to Belinda Bass, Brigitta Nortker, and the Thomas Nelson design team for a fantastic looking book and your hard work. Thank you to Jamie Chavez, for your careful work in editing. You cleaned up my mess and challenged me to be better. Thank you to Stephanie Tresner and Sara Broun from Nelson Books and Sarah Miniaci and Michela DellaMonica from Smith Publicity, for working hard to get this book out to the masses and bearing the load for me.
Thank you to my family for trusting me to tell our story that spans decades. Darian, Emilie, and Ian, thank you for enduring years of living non-stop with a stumbling writer and loving me through it all.
Notes
Chapter 3: Hope for Happily Ever After
1.Katherine Ramsland, Confession of a Serial Killer: The Untold Story of Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer (Lebanon, NH: ForeEdge, 2016), 52.
2.Ramsland, Confession of a Serial Killer, 4.
3.Ramsland, 24.
4.Ramsland, 92.
5.Ramsland, 104.
6.“The State of Kansas vs. Dennis Rader,” (18th Judicial District Court, Sedgwick County, Kansas, August 17, 2005), 67.
Breaking News
1.Roy Wenzl et al., Bind, Torture, Kill: The Inside Story of BTK, the Serial Killer Next Door (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 75.
Chapter 4: Weave Among the Pines Like a Tomboy
1.Katherine Ramsland, Confession of a Serial Killer: The Untold Story of Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer (Lebanon, NH: ForeEdge, 2016), 5.
Chapter 7: Allow Yourself to Grieve
1.Heb. 3:15.
Chapter 8: Attempt to Outrun What Haunts You
1.John 14:2–3.
Chapter 10: Know and Respect Your Limitations . . . Yeah, Right
1.“Warning, Heat Kills!” is paraphrased by Kerri Rawson, based off signs posted at the Hermit trail head and handouts given to Dennis Rader from the National Park Service in May 1997.
2.Sarah Bohl Gerke, “Hermit Trail,” Nature, Culture, and History at the Grand Canyon, Arizona State University, 2008, accessed July 27, 2018, http://www.grcahistory.org/sites_rimtoriverandinnercanyon_hermittrail.html.
Chapter 11: Miscalculations of the Ego Can Be Deadly
1.Stephen Whitney, A Field Guide to the Grand Canyon, 2nd ed. (Seattle: Mountaineers, 1996), 168.
Chapter 18: Make a Place of Your Own
1.Ps. 27:1.
Chapter 19: Head Down the Wedding Aisle, Even If You Have to Hobble
1.1 Cor. 13:6–8.
Chapter 21: Don’t Say Goodbye—Say See Ya in a While
1.Roy Wenzl et al., Bind, Torture, Kill: The Inside Story of BTK, the Serial Killer Next Door (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 222.
Breaking News
1.Roy Wenzl et al., Bind, Torture, Kill: The Inside Story of BTK, the Serial Killer Next Door (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 266.
Chapter 24: Don’t Google for an Alibi
1.Roy Wenzl et al., Bind, Torture, Kill: The Inside Story of BTK, the Serial Killer Next Door (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 54.
2.Ps. 23:1–3, 4, 6 ESV.
3.Wenzl et al., Bind, Torture, Kill, 287.
4.Wenzl et al., 290.
Chapter 25: Media Circuses Belong in Big Tops, Not Apartments
1.Roy Wenzl et al., Bind, Torture, Kill: The Inside Story of BTK, the Serial Killer Next Door (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 292.
2.“Report: Daughter of BTK Suspect Alerted Police,” CNN, February 26, 2005, www.cnn.com/2005/US/02/26/btk.investigation.
Chapter 26: Respite Can Be Found Thousands of Feet in the Air
1.“Local Kansas Man, Church Leader and ‘Guy Next Door,’ Arrested in Decades-Old ‘BTK Killings’ Case,” NBC, February 27, 2005, www.nbclearn.com/portal/site/k-12/flatview?cuecard=47773.
2.Ps. 18:2.
3.Ps. 27:1.
Chapter 27: There Is Safety in Numbers
1.Roy Wenzl et al., Bind, Torture, Kill: The Inside Story of BTK, the Serial Killer Next Door (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 297.
2.Wenzl et al., Bind, Torture, Kill, 297.
3.Wenzl et al., 297.
4.Ps. 27:1.
5.Ps. 27:1.
Chapter 28: Maybe Love Is Enough
1.Excerpts seen here are taken from longer originals and have been lightly edited.
2.John 1:5.
3.To maintain accuracy, spelling and grammatical errors in Dennis Rader’s and Kerri Rawson’s letters have not been corrected intentionally, unless required for meaning.
Chapter 29: Leave the Crime Solving to the Experts
1.Katherine Ramsland, Confession of a Serial Killer: The Untold Story of Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer (Lebanon, NH: ForeEdge, 2016), 212.
Chapter 30: Light Will Overcome the Darkness
1.Ps. 27:1.
2.Ps. 18:2.
3.Ps. 27:1.
4.John 1:5.
5.Song 2:4.
Chapter 33: Most Folks Are Good and Intend You No Harm
1.Roy Wenzl, “BTK’s Daughter: Stephen King ‘Exploiting My Father’s 10 Victims and Their Families’ with Movie,” Wichita Eagle, September 25, 2014, www.kansas.com/news/local/article2251870.html.
Chapter 34: Fight for Those You Love
1.Ps. 27:1.
Breaking News
1.“Breaking News: Guilty Ten Times Over” is written by Kerri Rawson and based off information obtained from: Roy Wenzl et al., Bind, Torture, Kill: The Inside Story of BTK, the Serial Killer Next Door (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 302.
Chapter 37: Truth and Justice Can Hurt
1.Roy Wenzl et al., Bind, Torture, Kill: The Inside Story of BTK, the Serial Killer Next Door (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 360.
2.Roy Wenzl, “When Your Father Is the BTK Serial Killer, Forgiveness Is Not Tidy,” Wichita Eagle, February 21, 2015, www.kansas.com/news/special-reports/btk/article10809929.html.
3.Katherine Ramsland, Confession of a Serial Killer: The Untold Story of Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer (Lebanon, NH: ForeEdge, 2016), 85.
4.Ramsland, Confession of a Serial Killer, 116.
Chapter 38: 175 Years Is a Long Time
1.Roy Wenzl et al., Bind, Torture, Kill: The Inside Story of BTK, the Serial Killer Next Door (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 313.
2.Wenzl et al., Bind, Torture, Kill, 313.
Chapter 39: Keep Faith in the Good
1.1 Cor. 13:13.
Chapter 40: A Desert Is a Great Place to Hide
1.From an article in US News & World Report, October 27, 1986, quoted in “Elie Wiesel,” Wikiquote, accessed April 5, 2018, en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Elie_Wiesel.
Chapter 41: PTSD Blows Chunks
1.Roy
Wenzl, “When Your Father Is the BTK Serial Killer, Forgiveness Is Not Tidy,” Wichita Eagle, February 21, 2015, www.kansas.com/news/special-reports/btk/article10809929.html
Chapter 42: Therapy Might Just Save Your Life
1.Heb. 3:15.
Chapter 43: Laugh or Cry to Survive
1.Deut. 31:6.
2.Ps. 139:13.
3.Roy Wenzl, “When Your Father Is the BTK Serial Killer, Forgiveness Is Not Tidy,” Wichita Eagle, February 22, 2015, www.kansas.com/news/special-reports/btk/article10809929.html.
Chapter 44: Grit Your Teeth and Keep Going
1.Ps. 27:1.
2.Ps. 27:1.
Chapter 45: Put Your Armor On
1.Ps. 27:1.
2.Ps. 27:1.
3.Beth Moore and Melissa Moore, James: Mercy Triumphs (Nashville: LifeWay Press, 2011).
4.1 Peter 5:8.
5.Ps. 27:1.
6.Eph. 6:13.
Chapter 46: Try to Forgive
1.Ps. 103:12.
2.Deut. 31:6.
3.Isa. 1:16, 18 NLT.
4.Gen. 50:20.
5.Deut. 31:6.
About the Author
Kerri Rawson is the daughter of Dennis Rader, better known to the world as the serial killer BTK. Since her father’s arrest, Kerri has been an advocate for victims of abuse, crime, and trauma, sharing her journey of hope, healing, faith, and forgiveness. She lives with her husband, two children, and two cats in Michigan.
Photos
CHRISTMAS DAY 1981
JULY 1982
Fishing at a Kansas lake.
OCTOBER 1985
Visiting an ice cream shop at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago.
DECEMBER 1988
MAY 1993
Dad and I in our front yard.
MARCH 1994
Canoeing at the Strip Pits, near Parsons, Kansas.
MARCH 1995
Our first hike in the Grand Canyon.
MARCH 1995
Dad in the Grand Canyon.
MARCH 1995
Camping on the rim.