by Lyz Kelley
Ouch. But deserved.
“I get that you’re angry. You said you wanted no ties. The easiest way for me to let go was to get busy. I had to move on, and I have.”
His eyes widened and turned dark. “That’s fast.” His tone stung.
If he thought she’d moved on with another guy, and was stupid enough to believe it, she’d let him stew for a while before setting him straight. She held on with everything she had to avoid showing him how much his words hurt. She lifted her chin and took a deep breath.
“You promised we could be friends,” she reminded him.
“For someone who walked out with not even a glance back, or the guts to tell me to jump off the nearest high-rise, this is as friendly as it gets.”
“You’re mad I didn’t return your calls.”
His angry eyes blazed. “I’m mad because I ruined a perfectly good friendship with a beautiful and intelligent woman by sleeping with her. I told you it wasn’t a good idea, and you convinced me otherwise. I should have followed my gut.” He glanced at the pager hanging at his waist. “I need to go.”
Determined, she placed a hand on his forearm to stop him. He paused, studied her hand, and then her face. The tightness in his jaw and cold stare gave a clear warning. Her hands opened, releasing him. “I’ll give you a call,” he said before disappearing around the corner.
His bitter, cold reaction seeped into her bones, making her shiver. She missed the warmth of being in his arms. The days she’d spent with him had been perfect, heaven, but somewhere along the way she’d slipped into hell and had no idea how to climb back into the clouds.
Maybe she should have called, but the yearning to be with him, curled by his side, was forcing her to keep her distance. She’d promised to let him go, but the only way she could keep her word was to create a barrier. She’d hurt him and convinced herself he was too busy to be disturbed. The aloofness he projected chilled her to the core.
Her head felt light, and she wobbled back a step, spreading her stance to gain balance. She wanted to go after him, apologize, but what would she say? What could she say? Please love me again?
He’d made it clear. No strings.
A gentling hand touched her shoulder. “How about we go get that coffee now?”
McKenzie continued to stare down the hall a few more seconds before she turned and focused on Beth’s anxious face. She allowed her friend to escort her to the stairwell. After descending four flights of stairs, McKenzie followed Beth into the cafeteria.
By the time she reached the checkout counter with herbal tea and a croissant on a tray, she’d recovered enough to offer a twenty to pay for their drinks. Beth objected. The wallet-war continued for a few seconds before Beth graciously gave in and wandered off to find an empty table while McKenzie collected the change.
Beth wiped the table. “I don’t want you to get your fancy duds messy. You look beautiful, by the way.” She slid into the opposite chair. “That’s what’s nice about medical gear, it’s stain resistant.”
Today’s wardrobe choice, McKenzie had agonized over for hours. She shouldn’t have bothered. She dipped her tea bag, lost in thought, analyzing what had happened to regain a sense of balance.
Beth nudged her foot. “So how far along are you?”
Tilt. So much for gaining balance. Her chest squeezed. Oh well, the truth would be out soon enough.
“Twenty-two days.”
Beth laughed. “Want to be more precise? I gather Garrett didn’t take the news well.”
“How’d you know I was pregnant?”
“It was a guess. Very little goes on that I don’t see. That’s why I could kick myself that someone from the outside pointed out I had a thief on my staff.”
“Garrett isn’t an outsider. Not anymore. He needs your support.”
“You must love him if you’re still defending him after the way he just treated you. I couldn’t hear what he said, but his body language tempted me to walk up and stamp butthead on his forehead.”
“Don’t blame him. This is my fault.”
“You got it bad. Why don’t you open up and puke it all out. You’ll feel better if you do.”
Startled, McKenzie burst into rambunctious laughter until the thought of her baby sobered the mood.
“I’m ready for motherhood—have it all planned out—the clothes, furniture, and safety equipment. I even filled out applications for the best schools in the city, although I still think signing a kid up for school is too much since I don’t know the sex of the baby yet.”
“But…?”
“The doctor said I might not make it to term. Oh, Beth. What if I lose this baby? What if raising this child on my own isn’t what’s best for the child? What if my wanting a child is being selfish? What if—”
Beth’s warm hand stopped the tumult of thoughts clattering through her mind. “First off, you are one of the kindest, most generous, loving women. Second, women around the world raise children by themselves every day, with less resources than you have, and do an okay job.”
Her shoulders dropped under the weight of her decisions. “I don’t want to do an okay job.”
“You Carvers sure have a thing for perfection.”
The whine in her voice irritated like a paper cut. She could only imagine what poor Beth thought. She pinched the bridge of her nose to stop the pain threatening to spread from temple to temple.
“I’m far from perfect.”
“Closer than most people get.” Beth squeezed her hand, sending encouragement up her arm. “Things will work out. You’ll see.”
“What if I lose this baby? Losing Ellie almost sent me over the edge. Losing this baby would destroy me.”
“Listen to me. Thoughts like that aren’t allowed.” Beth’s authoritarian voice broke through her self-flagellating thoughts. “And don’t you ‘but’ me, or ‘should’ me, or ‘coulda-woulda-maybe’ me. Get plenty of rest, eat regularly, go gentle on the exercise, take your vitamins, and what will happen, will happen.”
“I’m scared.”
“Sunshine, perfectly healthy babies are born every day. Cows drop ‘em in the pasture and horses in a stall. We’ve got all this fancy equipment. We humans, we’ve got it good.”
Faith. She wanted to believe everything would be all right. “Sunshine. You haven’t called me that in a long time.”
“That’s ’cause you haven’t smiled the way you used to. Why don’t you get out of here, take a hot shower and tuck yourself in for a mommy nap? The decisions chasing you around will be there tomorrow or the next day. You have plenty of time to decide what to do.”
Her friend’s mention of a nap made her wilt. She hadn’t slept the night before. She kept waking up, wanting desperately to go back to sleep, thinking of Garrett and the baby instead. A nap might be the butter on the popcorn she needed. She arched her back. A yawn escaped while she was finishing the stretch.
“What would I do without you?” She reached for her friend’s hand.
“Do me a favor. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve got those Carver genes running around in your body, but if you can, let life happen.”
“You’re asking a rock to roll up a hill.”
Beth’s eyes lit. “I’m asking that rock to sit and ponder and enjoy the view of the surrounding flowers, and the occasional honey bee that might pass by. Enjoy this time, my girl. It will go by fast. Way faster than you might think.”
She pushed her chair back, stood, and then walked around the table to give Beth a hug. “Thank you.”
“Go get some rest. Things will look different once you’ve slept.”
A nap sounded good, but doubtful. Maybe she’d paint. Watching paint flow onto the canvas, mixing with other colors, might calm her mind enough to figure out what to do next.
She had created this mess.
Beth was right. Nothing would be solved today. Tomorrow, Garrett would still be angry with her, and Weston and Liam would still have their doubts. She fought to keep the
queasy-making, negative thoughts at a distance. She needed to do something, but a nap wasn’t it.
Chapter 23
Beth ignored his question and walked into the supply room, picking up a pen and inventory list. “Don’t you have someplace else to be?”
Why couldn’t women ever answer a simple yes or no question? With two surgeries and fifteen critical beds filled, Garrett didn’t have time for petulance or drama. He needed to take a shower. He’d been on his feet way too long.
“May I ask why you didn’t answer my question?” he demanded
Beth turned so fast he almost knocked her into the shelves. “Why don’t you put a sign around your neck that says, back off, I’m grumpy?”
He moved out of arm’s reach to ensure he didn’t do something irrational. All he needed was another Board hearing. “You’re out of line.”
Her eyes sparked with anger. “I’m calling it as I see it.”
A tanker full of anger, fueled by McKenzie’s visit, had sprung an emotional leak and ignited with Beth’s disrespectful flack. “Give me an answer or I will recommend you be transferred out of this unit.”
The words slipped out before he could prevent his frustration from exploding and creating unintended consequences.
Beth threw her pen on the counter and took a step toward him. Her eyes narrowed, lips pursed. “That’s just great. You asked me to support you and be on your side, and I’ve done everything within my power to make it happen. And you want to fire me? She should have allowed me to use my butthead stamp on your forehead this morning.”
“She? You mean Mac? What does she have to do with this?”
“By my calculations, everything. Since her visit, you’ve been acting like you’ve stepped in a pile of poop, and the mood of this place has taken a dive. Just because you didn’t like what she had to say doesn’t mean you can take it out on the rest of us.”
“She made her choice.” What was he doing? He never brought his personal life to the hospital.
“You of all people should know it takes two people to make one.”
Relationships did take two, and McKenzie didn’t want one. He’d tried. Lord knows he’d tried. If she had returned his calls, he’d have told her he missed her, missed their time together, but she’d made it clear she wanted nothing to do with him.
Discouraged and lonely, he’d taken extra shifts at the hospital, trying to drive thoughts of her from his mind, working himself to exhaustion so his mind wouldn’t drift back to how her soft skin felt beneath his hands. Yesterday, a peds nurses had an orange for lunch. It smelled so much like McKenzie’s shampoo he wanted to gather up the peels and toss them in the trash.
Seeing her this morning about stopped his heart. God, she was gorgeous, with her hair falling over her shoulders, her heart-shaped face looking at him, and then she told him she’d moved on. Within a few days, she took what they had, put it in an envelope and shredded it into tiny, meaningless pieces. How could he have forgotten that a guy like him, a guy from the wrong side of the tracks, couldn’t play with girls who rode in chauffeured vehicles?
His gaze returned to Beth. “Yeah, it does take two, but she doesn’t want it.”
Beth stepped back like she’d been hit. “This is the only thing McKenzie’s ever wanted. If you knew anything about her, you would know that. The question is, are you going to stand there chewing your cud or are you going to do something?
“It’s not my responsibility.”
Beth’s fists lifted to her hips, and she leaned forward. “That’s the last thing I expected from a pediatric surgeon. If you think you can walk away from that child, then I quit. There are plenty of hospitals in the city that need my help. You, Doctor, can go to hell.” She pushed past him, but without thinking, he wrapped his hands around her arm and spun her toward him.
“What are you talking about?”
She raised her arm to get him to release her, but he held fast until he got her attention. The tingling sensation he always relied on blared full volume. He raised his hands. “Stop. I’m sorry. Please. What are you talking about?”
“A man who can walk away from a child he conceived needs a rectal exam.”
“I agree. Wait a minute.” His gut twisted, his mind replaying the morning’s conversation. Something had been gnawing at him all day. McKenzie’s visit. The way she looked at him. Her words.
He studied Beth, her raw anger and motherly protectiveness. He paced three steps away to think, and then dropped his head and slid his hand over the top and down his neck.
Mac, why didn’t you tell me? “I’m an asshole.”
“Now you’re getting somewhere.”
He turned. “Would you cover the floor until I can find someone to do my rounds?”
Beth’s face went white. “Oh, crap. She didn’t tell you, did she?”
His mind raced back, examining each time he’d made love. Only once did he not use protection. “No, she didn’t. But to be fair, I wasn’t listening, either. I need to talk to her.”
“Doctor, if I were you, I wouldn’t try the same tactic you used this morning.”
“Smartass.”
“Look, you fired me. I can say anything I want.”
The only thing in life he ever seemed to get right was surgery and caring for children. Relationships he’d pick at until they were bloody and messy. Insecurities made him find fault, misinterpreting an action or conversation. How ironic the one person he believed to be perfect considered herself flawed.
“I wouldn’t have let you get out of this room before retracting my statement. You are the best nurse in the city. I know it, and you know it.” He placed a hand on her shoulder. “I need you to forgive me for being a jerk because I gotta see a girl about a baby, and I need your help.”
“Finally you said something halfway smart.”
Dropping his hand, he took a step toward the door, but Beth stopped him. “She’s scared, Garrett.”
The warning in her eyes made him listen.
“The pediatrics doc says she might not be able to carry the baby to term. This baby means everything, and she’s scared she might lose it.”
“There’s nothing I would do to harm her or our child. If she loses the fetus, I’ll be there for her.”
Beth released his arm. “Then go.”
He squeezed Beth’s hand in gratitude before opening the door. The charmed look on her face gave him relief from the bittersweet moment. Fatherhood, something he never thought would happen. But after this morning, he had some explaining to do. He needed to tell Mac the truth. The whole truth.
Whatever happened, though, he wouldn’t walk away.
Beth was right. He needed to proceed with caution.
Garrett did everything he could to remain calm.
Seconds earlier, he’d heard Mac’s voice give permission to allow him up to her apartment. The cold metal of the elevator had no tranquil effect on the wild heartbeat drumming in his ears. Excitement, and then fear, and then anticipation tumbled around in dizzying circles.
She had come to the hospital to talk to him. That was something, but he needed to be prepared for her rejection. Since showing up unannounced, she wouldn’t have time to prepare for the confrontation. Her tone had sounded even, not angry, not sharp like this morning.
Seconds trickled by before the elevator reached her floor.
The time had come.
He brushed a hand through his hair and raised his arm to knock.
The handle turned.
Peering around the door’s edge, she looked tired and harried, like someone who’d spent the day fighting her way through the crowded streets of New York.
Entering, he dangled a handled paper bag from his index finger.
“What’s this?” She peered inside, and then lifted the clear plastic carton, raising the box higher out of curiosity. “Carrot Cake?” She moved to the kitchen.
Relieved for the distraction, he followed. “You like chocolate, but I thought you might like so
mething different.”
“I just put on some tea, would you like to join me?”
“Sure.” But I’d prefer a shot of whisky.
She passed George, who sat swishing his tail in the middle of the hallway.
“Hey, buddy.” He gave the feline a good scratch behind the ears while McKenzie deposited the bag on the kitchen island and moved to retrieve mugs from the cupboard.
“I hate to be pushy, but why are you here?”
“When you visited this morning, I was distracted.” He slid off the jacket adding extra weight to shoulders already overburdened. “No. That’s not fully accurate. I was pissed off that you hadn’t returned my calls, and I didn’t want to hear excuses. I said some inappropriate things.”
After selecting two forks from the drawer, she walked to the breakfast bar. He took a seat at the kitchen island. She studied him while laying utensils next to the dessert box.
“What did Beth tell you?” Her eyes squinted with a sense of accusation.
“Don’t blame her. I fired her, and she got angry and started—”
“You fired Beth?”
He lifted his hands in front of him. “Hold on. We worked it out.”
“But she told you I’m pregnant.”
Pregnant. Just like Cynthia.
Garrett remembered sitting in Cynthia’s dorm room, holding her hand. Telling her everything would be all right. She showed him the pregnancy test. Two lines. Definitely pregnant. After he’d left her, he’d called a buddy to help him pick out a wedding band. That was when the truth came out. Instead of spending money on a ring, he purchased a paternity test.
The baby wasn’t his. Was Mac’s baby his? IVF. Had she had a treatment?
The past bitterness of the betrayal he could still taste. “I have to ask, is the baby mine?”
The tension in the room ignited and she charged him, hands out, connecting with his chest. “Get out.” She pointed at the door. “Get OUT.”
“Mac, wait.”
“Leave. Get out of my apartment. Don’t ever speak to me again.”