As I forced one foot in front of the other down the corridor towards his unit, I thought about the last time we’d seen each other. He didn’t get a whole lot of time off to come home and I hadn’t seen in him almost two years but finally, he’d come home on leave – and true to his word, he’d come to batter down our door just as soon as he’d gotten home.
I was absolutely delighted to see him, to the point that I actually couldn’t stop myself from throwing my arms around him and hugging him. I’d have felt awkward about it if he hadn’t hugged me right back, burying his face in my neck and actually kissing my neck before pulling away from me again. The trouble was, that he was full of stories about some guy called Tom. Tom sounded like the best friend a guy could ever have – a far better mate than I’d ever been – the type that always had your back, no matter what.
Larger than life and no doubt, twice as good-looking... He showed me a photo of the two of them in the desert, arms around each other’s shoulders and looking kind of cosy. My heart sank. He really was twice as good looking as I was, “He looks like a really great guy.” I said, my voice coming out all scratchy.
He beamed at me, “He really is the best,” he said warmly, “you’d love him, Ed.”
I doubted that. The only man I loved was currently mooning over Tom, the amazing army bestie…
So instead of being an adult about the whole thing and telling him that I had feelings for him and asking him if there was any chance (of which I assumed was a total zero, but if you didn’t ask, you didn’t get) I was a total douche-bag for the rest of the evening. I had too many beers and being a total lightweight I lost the plot completely and lunged at him, trying to kiss him. He’d taken it well, laughing it off and pushing me gently away, “Mate,” he said, “It’s uh, it’s not like that between us.”
No. Of course it wasn’t like that between us. I was so fucking delusional. It was like that between him and Tom. I was sure of it...
“Is he your boyfriend?” I asked harshly, nodding towards his smart phone, “That Tom guy?”
He blinked, “Tom?” he laughed, “Are you fucking serious? No way. He’s not a faggot, Ed – and neither am I.”
I felt like I’d been slapped. A faggot? Wow. It had been so long since I’d bandied that term about, I’d forgotten how awful it was. Was that what he really thought of me? Jesus, that stung. It was like he’d thrown cold water in my face. I was shocked at the way his words made me feel. Fuck, I’d called my brother, Franz, a faggot a million times growing up – and he’d gotten mad over it and hit me a few times – and for a skinny little fucker, he had a mean right hook. It had never occurred to me just how hurtful an off-the-cuff remark could be but that word cut me to the quick. I stood up, my face still aflame, “I think you’d better go.” I said stiffly.
And he did, and that was the last time we’d seen each other – or spoken to each other – until now...
*
I pushed open the door to the ward he was on.
Please don’t let anyone else be here...
“Can I help you, sir?”
I jumped violently. I was so lost in my own thoughts, I hadn’t even noticed the reception desk. I blinked and focused on the girl behind the desk. I smiled automatically, “I’m uh, here to visit my friend, Wade Jackson?”
She beamed at me and nodded, “Oh, Wade!” she said, a dreamy look that I could totally relate to coming over her face, “He’ll be delighted to see a familiar face, what’s your name?”
“Uh, it’s just Ed.” I mumbled, beginning to wish heartily that I’d thought my impulsiveness through a little longer before coming. “Ed Krämer.”
She nodded, “I’ll go and tell him you’re here – give me a minute.”
I nodded and sat down in one of the chairs before my legs gave out completely. At least I had a few minutes to compose myself, or not...
No sooner had my arse hit the hard plastic of the chair, she was bustling back towards me, “Come on through.” She said enthusiastically, “He’s absolutely delighted that you’re here.” She winked conspiratorially at me, “You must mean a lot to him.”
Delighted? To see me? Seriously? Fuck me...
My legs began to shake even harder and the adrenalin coursing through me was enough to make me light-headed. I walked into the ward in a bit of a daze.
“Ed?” His voice hadn’t changed a bit. I turned towards the voice.
Oh, my God... He was even better-looking than I’d been imagining him in my dreams. His mop of white-blonde hair had been cut into a really short buzz cut, his face had filled out into a proper man’s face and his skin was tanned, making his eyes glow brightly in his face. Fuck he was really handsome. Those eyes, they’d always made my breathing speed up a little...
His body had changed. He was still slim but he was broad in the shoulders now and his frame was muscular. In short, he was fucking gorgeous.
“Wade.” I breathed, “It’s really good to see you, buddy.”
I went across to his bed. He had a massive frame around his legs. I didn’t want to even think about the fact that one of them was missing....
He beamed at me, “Ed, mate! How the hell have you been?” he asked, opening his arms wide so I could totally hug him. I breathed in his masculine scent. Fuck. He smelled good.
He was asking me how I’d been? When he’d been just about blown to bits? What the hell was that all about? “I’m, uh, I’m fine...” Better for seeing you.
He grinned, “Great!” he said, then with a dry chuckle, he added, “I’ve gotta tell you, mate, I’ve been better!”
I gave him a watery smile, “Uh-huh.” I cast around for something to say, “So how long will you be in here before you can go home?”
He shrugged, “Dunno,” He said, “Six months or so. My left leg wasn’t so badly injured but it’s broken so that’s been pinned. It looks a right fucking mess, too,” he rolled his eyes, “and what’s left of my right leg has to heal properly, of course – and then they’ll have to fit me with a prosthetic leg and the like.” He sighed and shook his head, “then I’ll have to learn to walk again...” He pulled a face, “It’s a total ball-ache, mate.”
I nodded. Ball-ache? Fuck. I’d be sobbing my heart out for weeks for the loss of my wonderful leg. I was absolutely sure of it. “I guess.” I murmured. Swallowing hard, I asked the question that I really wasn’t sure I wanted the answer to, “So, how much of your leg did you lose?”
He looked up at me, his eyes darkened with emotion and I realised that he wasn’t quite so bright and breezy about this as he was making out. He was putting a brave face on it and I was so impressed by his bravery but I was quite relieved at the same time that he wasn’t quite so emotionless about the whole thing as he’d first appeared.
He didn’t need to do that. He was talking to me now. He didn’t have to be brave. He was allowed to cry if he wanted to. “Just above the knee.” He said, his voice coming out a little hoarse, “It was an IED. I’d have preferred not to lose my leg, obviously – but it could have been a whole lot worse.” He smiled up at me, “I’m still here, even if I am a bit battered and bruised – and at least no one died. Tom and the others all got away with minor injuries.”
What sort of sick bastards wanted to blow people up? I would never understand warfare. Never... “That’s good.” I mumbled, as an image of his big mate, Tom, flashed through my mind. I had no idea what to say. I glanced towards the massive frame.
“I still feel pain in the missing limb,” he blurted out and then forced a laugh, “I always thought that was bullshit but it’s a real thing and it’s so fucking weird, Wade.” He frowned up at me, his forehead creasing and looking incredulous, “Apparently that’ll fade with time. They said it could take weeks or even months. I dunno, we’ll see, I guess. I’m hoping sooner, rather than later…”
I nodded, “I’ve heard about that.” I said, “So what are you gonna do? You know? When you’re all better and back on your feet?” Was that an insensitiv
e thing to say? Back on his feet? He only had one now. Fuck. I was such a wanker.
He shrugged, “I was thinking that maybe I could still keep up with my fitness. My plan has always been to leave the army and to open my own gym or something...” he trailed off, his eyes fixed on the frame over his legs. “Not sure how that’s gonna pan out, now.”
I bit my lip. I’d been wondering about a change of direction for a couple of months now. Would he be interested in going into business with me? Well, there was one thing for sure, if I never asked, he would never be able to make the decision. “There’s an old pub for sale next door to the office I work in. I’ve been toying with the idea of taking it on for a while. Of course, I can’t do it on my own but I could make some enquiries about what they want for it…” And then I could see you every day again…
He looked at me with bright eyes and nodded, “A pub?” he asked, “Wow, yeah. That’s a great idea.” He smiled at me, “And you’d like us to do that together?”
I felt my face heating up but I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather do than to spend every day with my favourite person in the world. “I nodded, “I’d love to do that.” I replied sincerely.
He beamed at me, “Thanks, Ed.” He said, “I know things got a bit awkward between us last time I was home, but, buddy – I’ve missed you so much.”
I smiled, “Missed you too.” I said. You have no idea how much...
Chapter 2 – Eduard…
Wade
I’m not gonna lie. It was a shock to be told that Eduard had come to see me after the last time we’d been in each other’s company – and I’d been a total wanker. He’d caught me off guard, assuming I was in a relationship with my buddy, Tom – who was actually happily married and had three kids with a really lovely woman and wouldn’t have floated my boat in a million years.
I’d handled things badly, said some things that I’d instantly regretted but had no idea how to put right again – and we hadn’t spoken to each other since, which, I’m not gonna lie, was totally gutting for me.
So now, I didn’t really know how to act around him. I looked towards the entrance of the ward, feeling inexplicably nervous. Hell, it was Eduard. If he’d come to see me, surely, he couldn’t still have beef with me for being a twat?
As soon as I saw his face, all of my apprehension dissipated. He looked anxious. I relaxed. He was still the same old Ed he’d always been – a little bit awkward if I’m honest, but a really solid mate – and my absolute hero. I totally loved the guy and it had been a very long nine months since we’d last spoken to each other.
He looked at the frame covering my legs with trepidation and I couldn’t blame him. I’d looked at it that way too, wondering if I’d ever be able to walk again.
The weirdest thing was that I kept forgetting that my leg had been blown off and I honestly felt as if I could still feel it. They said that would fade over the next few days but it hadn’t so far – in fact it was only when I looked at the frame that I remembered half the time…
I couldn’t remember anything after the bomb blast itself and I was rather grateful for that. I remembered the day beforehand quite clearly and I remembered the utter confusion and helplessness that I felt the instant the explosion occurred. I didn’t remember feeling any pain. Just Tom’s yell of horror and the look on his face before I lost consciousness. Up until that point, we were all in good spirits. We were travelling back to the base from a day helping out the community up in the mountains. Tom and I both had leave planned and would have been travelling back to the UK the day afterwards. I’d got plans to go and sort things out with Ed. I had no way of knowing that my life was about to change dramatically and, looking back, I was kind of glad about that.
The next thing I remembered was waking up in the hospital and being told that I’d got extensive injuries to my legs and that they’d managed to save one but the other had been so badly damaged they’d had to amputate. The consultant was droning on about my good leg, explaining the level of damage it had sustained but that it was easier to fix because the bones had been broken more cleanly. Apparently, my right leg had been shattered so badly it had damaged the tissue beyond repair and I was at risk of losing my life through infection.
I remember the feeling in my stomach and the tingling sensation that went through me from head to toe as his words washed over me. A thrill of utter horror… I realised that my life in the army was over, that I’d lost the one job that I was good at. I felt that everything that had made me the man I was, was gone. Wiped out in one fell swoop.
It had taken a few weeks to be stable enough to be transferred back to the specialist unit in the UK and from there I’d been transferred closer to home and was now in St Hugh’s Hospital.
Fortunately for me, the rehabilitation unit that would fit me with my prosthetic leg, in time, and get me walking again, was linked to the hospital and wasn’t miles away in another part of the country. I’d be allowed home, so, I might even be able to see Eduard – if he wanted to see me, that was.
Clearly, since he was here, Eduard must have heard what had happened and wanted to see me, which, I’m not gonna lie, I was absolutely thrilled about.
I couldn’t, however, let Eduard see how devastated I’d been to lose my leg. I didn’t want him thinking I was less of a man and I felt that I had to put a brave face on it, even though I just wanted to cry my heart out – and did on quite a regular basis when I was alone.
Hell, I was damned sure that if he thought I was going to be a total pussy over the whole thing, he’d never want to be seen with me again. Not that we ever really went out and about with each other – our relationship with each other was all about the gaming and the texts and the wrestling.
I was desperate to get back to some sort of normality. Desperate to start my rehab program and to get to grips with a prosthetic so that I could at least appear normal when I was dressed. Fine, I wouldn’t be able to wear shorts until I’d come to terms with things in my mind. Thankfully, with the changed attitudes – mainly due to people like Jonny Peacock and the nation embracing our Paralympians, it was going to be much easier for me to fit in with my prosthetic.
I just hoped that Eduard wouldn’t be too repulsed by me, because I’m not gonna lie, seeing him stood there, looking incredibly handsome, my heart picked up a little and I wasn’t all that sure it was only apprehension I was feeling… “Hi Ed.” I said with the first genuine smile I’d managed to muster in forever, “Good to see you, buddy.”
Chapter 3 – Four months later…
Eduard
I was bored out of my mind. I had a few days off work since I was being forced to use up my holiday rather than losing it – and I was never very good with holidays, anyway. I had no one to share the time with, so what was the fucking point? It never failed to piss me off that Franz had Buzz to play with – and Georg and Tony were getting married… I was the only one left and I’d known for years who I wanted my husband to be. It just wasn’t fair.
Dad frowned at me over the top of his paper, “What’s eating you up today?” he asked.
I huffed another massive, petulant sigh, “Nothing.”
“Well, good,” he said, “you can go down to the supermarket for me then and get some more milk, bread and something for dinner – get a couple of chicken breasts and I’ll make us a chicken Kiev each.”
I nodded, “Fine.” I said with another sigh. I got up and headed for the door, picking up my car keys as I went. I needed to get out of the house. I’d go stir crazy if I spent any more time indoors, doing nothing.
“And Eduard’s back home.” Dad called after me, “It wouldn’t hurt for you to drop by and give him some support. Bit of bad-timing if you ask me. Julie and Bryan are away for a few days. Julie’s sister’s getting married again.”
I bit my lip. Julie and Bryan were Wade’s parents. Did that mean he was trying to cope in there by himself? Something I was sure he was quite capable of doing under normal circumstances but hell,
he’d only just got out of the rehab centre.
Both his sister and brother lived away from home now, so other than medical staff coming by to check on his wellbeing, he was in there alone. That couldn’t be good for his mental health…
I sighed. I had no idea what good I could do for him. Since I’d been to see him that one time at the hospital, I hadn’t gone back. I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t want him to get pissed off with me hanging around him like a bad smell while he was trying to recover – and besides, he still thought I was a faggot, after all.
Going to the hospital had been a bit of kneejerk reaction and he wouldn’t have thought it was weird. He might, however, not be all that enamoured at me invading his personal space at home. I didn’t want to make things awkward between us again – not when he’d been happy to see me. It had nearly killed me the last time we weren’t speaking to each other but that didn’t mean he’d want me around all of the time…
“Yeah,” I muttered, “I might go later.” I drove down to the supermarket, bought everything Dad had suggested and then also threw a load of my favourite snacks in the trolley too. They were also Wade’s favourites. We both loved crisps, nachos and dips and all sorts of other savoury snacks that were no good for us but what the hell? I guess in the back of my mind, I really was planning on taking them over to Wade’s for us to have a night in on the X-Box, but in the current state of misery I was indulging myself in, I was convincing myself that he wouldn’t want me to hang around him, they were all for me to binge eat, telling myself that it didn’t matter what I ate, I had no one to stay in shape for. No one wanted me anyway. Yes. I really was feeling horribly sorry for myself…
I got home again and sat in the car for a moment. I could see Wade’s house in the rear-view mirror. My heart started to beat a little harder. Could I really go over there just to say hello and stay a while to keep him company? Would he welcome me into his home? Sure, he’d been pleased to see me at the hospital, but he was kind of a sitting duck there – and no doubt high on painkillers and bored out of his skull… I shook my head. Maybe later… I got out of the car and was heading back for the front door when I heard a crash from across the street.
Back for Good Page 2