“Okay.”
He squeezes my arm and then leaves me standing in front of my mansion on high. There are four beds—one on each wall, like in a dorm room. Three of the beds are obviously taken, as they've been made up with quilts of varying color, and personal items have been placed on small tables next to each one.
Why are there beds? Do we need beds? Do we sleep? I am exhausted and could use a good nap.
Placing my box on what I figure is my bed, I search the quiet emptiness. This is my life now—this place, these people. I fall to the mattress, completely disillusioned and wanting to cry. The ache is still there.
I've ruined my life—completely ruined it.
Things were supposed be better after I died.
How could I have been so stupid?
CHAPTER THREE
~Drifting Alone~
Brecken
The days lengthen as spring approaches, and the darkness of winter fills Brecken's heart. Nothing feels right in his life. He's just a performer acting out a part, and the performance never ends. He drifts through a timeless space.
Since the drawn-out illness and death of his mother, his dad has been distant. No. More than distant—nonexistent. He's never home. He's always taking out-of-town jobs. Not that Brecken minds that much. He and his dad have never seen eye-to-eye. Their moments together are a series of arguments that Brecken always loses. With his dad gone, he has total freedom, but also total responsibility for his two little sisters, and that responsibility weighs heavy. Bills need to be paid if they want to stay in this stupid little house, and groceries have to be bought.
Brecken doesn't have a job, and he knows his only way out is to stay in school. In the afternoon, he helps his sisters with homework, makes dinner, and does the laundry.
It isn't an ideal situation. The constant complaining of his sisters weighs him down. They don't want him to replace their dad, let alone their mother. They don't want to be told to clean their rooms, help with chores, or anything else by their dumb older brother.
He doesn't blame them.
There are many nights he lies awake in bed wishing he could talk to his mom, that her ghost would appear and comfort him. She never does though. Nothing is more acutely disappointing.
His grades are dropping and he has gotten in a few fights at school—nothing he started, but he's not about to stand by and take crap about his nonexistent parents and the fact that he doesn't buy his clothes from Nordstrom.
The only light on the horizon is Jill, who is beautiful, kind, and wonderful. Always there like a balm of happiness, ready to cheer him up at the end of each dark day. She is the miracle he needed, and he plans to hang onto her as long as he can.
CHAPTER FOUR
~Roommates~
Alisa
I have no idea how long I lie on my new, unfamiliar bed—which is made with a quilt that looks exactly like the one on my bed at home. I miss the tick-tock of my clock, the pictures on my walls, my closet full of clothes. And let's not forget the ability to judge the passing of time.
No shadows move across the walls here, nor does anyone call me for dinner. When is it time to go to bed? When are the classes I'm supposed to attend? How do the people here stand it? How will I? In that moment I know I'll go crazy if I stay, and I wish more than anything to turn back time.
Within a few moments, my new roommates show up, barreling through the door. The front-runner is laughing, and when they see me, they freeze, stiff smiles appearing on their surprised faces. It's easy to see they have already become friends and that I'll be the odd one out.
My death is turning out to be as wonderful as my life. What a nice surprise.
“Hi!” the laughing, boisterous redhead exclaims when she sees me. She plops down beside me on my bed and gives me a one-armed hug. “It's great to meet you! I'm Shana.” She takes my hand and pumps my arm up and down with a firm grip.
“Hi.” I pull away slightly. She smells like buttered toast. Weird. Gram smelled like apple pie. I wonder what I smell like, if anything.
“That’s Cinder,” she says, pointing to the sullen girl whose long, black hair hangs over one eye. Cinder doesn't brush it back or even tuck it behind her ears, but carries her aura of sorrow like a heavy shroud. I feel depressed just looking at her. She may have brown eyes, but I can't tell. She walks slowly to her bed and sits, keeping her chin tucked to her chest.
The third girl, who is at least six feet tall with the shoulders of a linebacker and thick flexing hands, towers over the rest of us. She glares, animosity radiating from her in palpable, threatening waves.
I have to live with these people? Okay, I can deal with Shana, Miss Happy Cheerleader, but I don't do well with roughnecks like Miss Muscle, or goths, like Cinder. They are the kind of people I usually avoid.
“That's Deedre.” Shana points to the giant who lies on her bed with her hands intertwined behind her head. “She's... not as bad as she seems. She just needs a smoke.”
“You can do that here?”
Shana leans closer slowly shaking her head. “That's why she's so ornery. Just stay out of her way.”
I stare at Deedre's spiky blonde hair and muscular body. Staying out of her way won't be a problem. I have no desire to get close.
Deedre's head whips around and she stares at me hard, her dark eyes cold, hateful. A river of hostile thoughts plows into my mind, and pictures of Deedre's hands around my neck, her yellow teeth gritted above my face, will be forever imprinted on my mind. She shakes her head slowly, never taking her eyes from mine.
I shuffle back on my bed in surprise, my hands automatically raised over my face to protect myself from the mental onslaught. I feel pummeled and, to some degree, violated, which somehow leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Deedre laughs and the attack stops.
I look up to see Cinder and Shana staring. Deedre snickers, a make-believe cigarette held between her fingers. She brings her hand to her mouth and takes an imaginary puff, then blows the pretend smoke toward me. “Dweeb.”
“Be careful who and what you think about,” Shana whispers, leaning in. “If you think about someone, they'll know. Good thoughts or bad.”
Great. A shiver runs over my shoulders, and I straighten out on my bed. I don't even know Deedre, but her thoughts—which run along the lines of murder—totally freak me out.
This is not going to work. I cannot live here.
“How 'bout a tour?” Shana says, interrupting my thoughts. “I'll show you around.” Her peppiness and undisguised gaiety rouses me from my paralyzed state, and I let her lead me out into the bright light of day. Or what looks like day. I feel lighter and happier instantly.
Shana takes me through town, points out the sites, and even shows me the library. I had no idea they'd have libraries in... wherever I am, but I'm not going to complain. The library is one place I'll happily explore. Getting lost in a good book sounds like heaven. And if I can't live in heaven, I'll live in la la land instead.
***
After my brief tour, Shana and I stand in front of the white, marble building where Rafael's office is located. “I have to go inside,” I say, remembering he wants to speak with me.
“Oh, right. See you later then.” She leaves reluctantly and doesn't seem happy to go back to the cottage alone. I feel sorry for her. I wouldn't want to be alone with Cinder and Deedre either.
With a sigh, I take a moment to prepare myself for the coming interview. What will Raphael want to talk about? Will he ask about my suicide? Will I have to explain? Can I request new roommates? That thought is enough to propel me through the double doors in search of his office.
He is all smiles once I enter, and he gestures to a chair across from his black desk, then moves to the other side and sits down. “How do you like your new place?” he asks. I have a feeling he already knows.
“Uh, about that.”
“I know, I know,” he says, raising his hand to stop me. “The beds are the most conf
using. Why beds instead of tables and chairs? We get that a lot.”
“Um, it's not the beds. The beds are fine.”
“Oh. Good. Did you find the quilt inside the box I gave you?” A bright light radiates in his eyes and his lip twitches.
“Yeah. I got it. Thanks.”
Leaning forward and clasps his hands on his desk. “Did you notice anything special about it?”
I scowl, picturing the quilt in my mind. “It's like the one I have at home?” I couldn't care less about the stupid quilt, or The Spirit's Guide to Immortality book that was also in the box. If it had been my real quilt, that would have been something. But it's not. It's only a look-alike. A cheap copy.
“Yes!” he says, excited. “We do that on purpose, you know. To help you feel more at home here.”
It doesn't work. I don't feel at home. I feel lost, hovered over, and frustrated. Everything is different and weird, and a quilt doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. “Actually, it's my roommates I want to talk about.”
“Oh?” He leans back.
“Well, I wondered if I could get different ones. Shana is okay, but I really don't think I should hang out with Cinder or Deedre.”
“Really?”
“Deedre wants to kill me. That kind of bothers me even though I'm pretty sure she can't do it.”
Raphael sputters and coughs. I smile, because this is such a ridiculous conversation. I'm sitting in an office asking for new roommates, when I should be flying free through clouds of snowy white. Where is my harp? My golden wings?
With an exasperated sigh, I lean forward. “Listen. I'm not sure what I'm doing here, but I'd really like to get on with the rest of my life.”
After regaining his composure, he becomes serious again and leans forward until our faces are only inches apart. “This is the rest of your life.”
***
Needless to say, I feel completely disillusioned. All my dreams of rest and happiness have slipped through my fingers. Not only that, but the aching hurt of missing Natty and Gram is now replaced with missing everybody.
And now I have to go to school? My first session in class is one to be remembered though. The classroom is an expansive area with high windows. Bright light shines through the crystal clear glass, and I can smell that strange, musky aroma I associate with high school. Like old paint and worn carpet. It's funny how smells affect me here and bring back memories... good and bad.
The only thing to do is go along with their silly routine, to attend the classes—which let me just say—make me miserable. I hated school—well, at the end anyway—and now I have to endure it after death too? Sitting at a desk, listening to angelic teachers ramble on about things I'm not interested in, and living with depressing people, makes me think this isn't really Idir Shaol after all.
Make no mistake. It is hell.
Shana, who is with me on that first day of class, wants me to sit on the front row. Everyone stares as I step through the door, like I have a big, red “A” glued to my chest. They watch me with accusatory glances even though they're here for the same reasons I am. I sweep the room with a cursory glare, then turn and face the front. There are about twenty people in the class, and we all look pretty much the same age.
Our teacher stands before us, her golden hair falling over her slender shoulders in waves. The light around her is bright, and I find myself studying her pink robes. I was never a pink girl myself, but the hue, one I've never seen before, takes my breath away. Her small feet are bare, and her hands fly through the air as she speaks.
“Welcome to Idir Shaol, class. I will be your instructor during your brief time here,” she says in a lilting voice.
Brief? My time will be brief? Am I going somewhere else? Oh, I hope so. Thoughts of escape swirl through my mind until I realize I'm not paying attention, and the teacher has stopped talking. She looks directly at me, her gaze intrusive, piercing right through me. She can see inside me, I just know it—to my whole life, to my inadequacies. Right then and there, I don't like her, and I don't think she likes me either—even though I didn't do a thing to earn her disapproval.
Her eyes narrow and she frowns, and after a second she turns back toward the rest of the group. “I am Anaita. I will be your instructor for this course. This class may be the only one you need, as some of you will move on more quickly than others. As most of you know, Idir Shaol is a waiting place for those who need to redeem themselves in some way. A place for those who were too ignorant, stupid, or selfish to change during their mortal lifetime. Most of you took your own life. The reason you're here and not already in Soul Prison is because someone up here thinks you deserve a second chance.”
Her angelic appearance does not match her accusatory tone, and I wonder if everyone gets that same feeling.
She glances in my direction, her pretty pink lips pursed, her creamy skin resembling Raphael's. I'm willing to bet hers is a body of flesh and bone.
How do they get those?
CHAPTER FIVE
~The Funeral~
Alisa
At the start of my second day—at least I think it's my second day, because there are no clocks here—I receive my first assignment. It begins the next stage of my progression, but it includes doing something so terrible, so heinous, that I debate running away. I have no idea where to go, but there has to be somewhere to hide. It's not like I'm in Soul Prison... yet.
Up until the moment I see my grandmother at the entrance of Idir Shaol, waiting to guide me on this exciting adventure, I had decided to rebel. I don't need to move on, I don't need roommates and school, and I certainly don't need difficult assignments I can't pass.
“Hello, my sweet Alisa,” Gram says, cupping my face. “Are you ready?”
“No.”
Chuckling, she draws me close, and I smell the tangy scent of apple pie on her robes again. The taste of her pies coats my soul's tongue with longing for one bite of apple sweetness.
“I'll be with you every step of the way,” she says. “Everyone who takes their life has to do this. It's a requirement. Committing suicide is serious business, and can't be taken lightly. It affects everything and everyone around you. Forever.”
I know she's right, but dread fills me. Gram takes my hand and with a wink, we disappear from Idir Shaol—the waiting place of wounded souls.
***
An organ plays the familiar hymns I grew up with, and the unmistakable doors of my neighborhood chapel rise up before me.
I squeeze Gram's hand for support. With vast reluctance, I step through the entrance and feel the cool breeze of air-conditioning waft past me. Over a hundred people fill the benches, sniffling and dressed in black. Familiar faces sit in row after row of the little chapel, and the high windows allow rays of light to filter through onto the tear-streaked faces before me.
“Should we sit down?” I ask Gram in a terrified whisper.
The aroma of flowers fills the air. I can smell them but not in the same way I could smell the blossoms up in heaven. My senses here feel muted and slightly dulled. But for the most part, I can smell everything, hear everything, and feel everything.
I hate it.
“We can sit if you want to,” Gram answers with a pat on my hand.
I take a seat at the end of a pew just as the doors at the back open. Everyone stands. Gram takes hold of my arm and pulls me up too. For a spirit, she's pretty strong.
Three guys from my school, my two brothers, and two of my cousins enter slowly, carrying a gleaming mahogany casket. Clutching my throat, I freeze as it rolls by. I can’t stand seeing the tears that drip down my brothers' faces, staining their clean, white dress shirts, their red, swollen eyes and their white knuckles as they clutch my coffin. I try to turn away, but some unseen power forces me to watch.
The casket comes to rest before the pulpit. My family sits on the second row. Friends and relatives fill up the rest. I can't believe how many people have come; people who I didn't think even kne
w I was alive or cared that I had been.
Everyone carries an aching heart, and I feel it, heavy, like iron, weighing down my soul in despair. Their pain rips through me like a rusted, jagged saw, opening fresh wounds, slicing, slicing, slicing. I feel rent in two, and pulled into the depths of unexplainable misery.
I turn to Gram.
She puts her arm around my shoulders, and holds me. “I know, honey. I know. Let it out. Let it all go.”
I tremble in her arms as she leads me to the second row where my family waits.
“Sit down, dear.”
I lower myself into the space at the end of the bench.
“All these people,” Gram motions over the crowd, “are here for you and your family.” I see kids I knew from school, and I stare, shocked. Why are they here? They never cared about me when I was alive. I can't even count the times I walked down the hall at school feeling totally alone, no one talking to me. Maybe they just wanted to see a dead body roll by.
But their mournful feelings of despair wrap around me like a suffocating blanket, telling me otherwise. I can't even begin to understand their feelings. All this time, I thought I'd had no one.
Then, as if a dam has broken, memories of these very people come rushing to mind. A soft pat on the shoulder, a smile of sympathy. They had been there trying to befriend me. I just hadn't seen it, hadn't wanted to see it.
My mother's head bows as she presses a hanky to her eyes. She wears a beautiful black dress I've never seen before, and her makeup doesn't hide the paleness of her skin or her sleepy, red-rimmed eyes. My dad sits next to her, his face stoic, his eyes swollen too. My brothers, who are usually laughing or teasing each other, are silent, staring straight ahead.
I was sixteen years old, and now I'm dead. This isn't a dream. My brain isn't making this up. I'm really here, watching my family mourn over my wasted life.
A hard wrenching grips my stomach, and I feel sick, like I'm going to throw up, but I can't. I'll never be able to rid myself of the corrosion churning inside me. Emotion wells hot, black, and poisonous, fighting for a way out. I realize with horror how selfish I've been, thinking only of my pain.
Oh, how I want to turn back time—to go back to that moment in the car. I should have stuck it out longer. I might have been happy again, living the rest of my life, getting married, having kids. Now I'll never get the chance.
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