‘Also, for the record, I’m not worried. I could win this thing without even trying,’ Sabah continued. ‘I’m upset that you have no issues screwing over your best friend just to prove a point. I thought things would be different this time.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Do you really want me to spell it out? In front of her?’
‘Sabah,’ I started, too uncomfortable to keep quiet anymore, but the look she gave me would have been enough to silence a hundred wailing babies. I retreated, shrinking back into the concrete steps.
Noor stared at Sabah. I stared at the floor.
The silence was excruciating. I wondered, not for the first time, how well I really knew these girls.
‘Yeah, I didn’t think so,’ I heard Sabah say.
Noor was standing at the foot of the stairs when I looked up. ‘A real best friend would support me, not ask me to squash my ambitions,’ she said, before stalking off.
‘Good luck finding one,’ Sabah called after her. She hurled her samosa on the ground. In less than a minute, a handful of pigeons swooped in to pick at its remains, delighted at their luck.
‘Don’t act so naive,’ Sabah scowled at me just as the bell rang. She got up and brushed the crumbs off her skirt.
She looked down at me, still sitting there with my apple, brown and disgusting now.
‘No one is born at the top,’ she said before she walked off, ponytail swinging as she strode across the ground and disappeared amidst the crush of students.
I threw the apple away and made my way back to class. Sabah was sitting in her usual spot, but Noor had moved back one seat so she was next to me.
No one is born at the top.
I filled in the rest of Sabah’s sentence myself as our Physics teacher drawled on about force and power.
No one is born at the top, but those who are willing to do whatever it takes can work their way there.
ALIA
‘Thank you for agreeing to see me,’ I say. ‘I can’t even begin to imagine how painful this must be for you. To lose your daughter like—’
‘Divya,’ the woman sitting next to me says, her words broken, punctured with grief. ‘Her name was Divya.’
I look at the framed pictures propped up around the room. They all show the same girl at different ages. As a baby clutching her mother’s hair, as a toddler grinning at the camera, as a teenager in her school uniform, as a fresher standing at the steps of her college. I feel the knot in my chest twist as I put my tea down.
I can feel Omar’s gaze burn into me from across the room. He was very clear on the car ride over. No matter how bad I feel for the girl’s parents, I cannot make any promises. With the accused’s father, Saeed, not only a junior minister but also a member of the Muslim Congress, any comment would be construed as a move against the alliance. And with the election nominations due in a few weeks, I need to be on my best behaviour, putting my political interests above everything else.
I need to compromise.
I reach across the sofa and place a hand on her knee, which hasn’t stopped shaking since she sat down. I murmur a few comforting words. My gaze keeps drifting back to the pictures, but the face that flashes before my eyes doesn’t belong to Divya. The words slip out before I can stop myself. I take the mother’s hand and look her firmly in the eye.
‘Let me help.’
It’s past midnight by the time I finish work for the day. I push myself to my feet, allowing myself a moment to stretch my back before stepping out of the office and through the corridor that leads into the house.
I roll my shoulders as I walk into the living room, wanting nothing more than a glass of wine and a hot bath. I go straight to the drinks cabinet and pour myself a large glass of wine in the moon-streaked dark, my mind still on the press conference scheduled for the morning. It’s no secret that Saeed has been harbouring the three accused in his constituency for weeks now, just the mention of his name enough to keep them safe. Even though I’ve spent hours trying to find the perfect words, I know that no matter what I say, any statement I make will create a certain level of chaos. There is a reason no one has spoken publicly about this case. My heart clenches as I imagine the backlash and I force myself to breathe deeply. Faraz will not be happy – Saeed is one of the founding members of the Muslim Congress – and if Omar is right, this could be fatal for the alliance. It could be fatal for my career. But just the thought of letting this go makes me sick. Divya knocked on every door she could think of, and everyone she turned to let her down. I will not be one of them. Not again.
I glance at my phone, checking for a text from my husband, but there are no new messages. Arjun and Saurav had finally managed to lock John down into signing the contract and they were out celebrating. I was supposed to go along but I’d had to cancel last minute. Knowing him, though, he’ll be upstairs in bed already. Arjun’s never been a big drinker and the only time he stays out late socializing is when I’m with him. I pick up my glass and slip out of the living room.
I am at the foot of the stairs when I hear it, the sound of footsteps. I pause, standing completely still, my hearing amplified. I remind myself that it could be any of the staff, moving through the house. But it’s nearly one a.m. No one is allowed in the house after the guards have done their nightly check at midnight. I have all but convinced myself I imagined the noise when I hear it again, this time accompanied by the sound that still turns my stomach: hushed whispers.
I tiptoe into the pitch-black darkness of the dining room and towards the kitchen. I want to turn, leave. Pretend that I can’t see the small strip of light peeking out from under the door, that I can’t hear the muted voices drifting from within. I force myself to swing the door open.
I can’t decide if the feeling that rushes through me is relief or shock.
The first thing I see is the heels, kicked off and strewn across the floor, the red soles jarring against the polished white marble. Next my gaze lingers on the midnight-blue jacket, flung over a stool, the matching tie I’d help pick out in Harrods tossed on top of it. The Gucci handbag I know so well, snakeskin with gold trims, lies slumped on the floor.
I can feel my heart thumping as I lift my eyes away from the detritus on the floor and look at the people responsible for it. Niv is perched on the kitchen island, bare feet dangling. Arjun is standing next to her, elbow resting on the granite countertop, his back to me.
I am used to feeling like an intruder, but never in my own home.
I watch Niv nod along, her hand resting lightly on Arjun’s arm as he talks, the words nothing but a symphony of murmurs that glide across the polished kitchen floor and crawl under my skin. It takes less than a few seconds for them to notice me, but a few seconds is all it takes for me to get drawn back, the memory of a different kitchen but the same man pushing at the edges of my brain.
‘Alia,’ Niv squeals, her fake cheer conveying more than a sharp remark ever can. It’s a tone I’ve adopted hundreds of times myself.
Arjun steps away from her and I see the bottle of tequila sitting on the counter between them. ‘Hungry?’ Niv asks, holding out a Tupperware box towards me.
‘We just got back,’ Arjun says, his voice deep, his eyes restless. He’s drunk, I realize. ‘I didn’t want to wake you.’
I don’t say anything, letting the silence stretch and twist between us, the low hum of the fridge the only sound in the room.
Niv slides off the counter. ‘Well, I should be off,’ she says. She circles around me to slip on her shoes and pick up her bag.
‘I’ll see you out,’ I say, on automatic, as I follow her through the dining room and into the hall.
Niv turns to me, arms outstretched, and in the milky moonlight leaking in through the porch window, she looks younger, far more like the schoolgirl I had known a lifetime ago than the woman I’ve come to think of as my best friend.
The schoolgirl whose secrets I had once betrayed.
She gives me a quick h
ug.
‘Thank you for being such a good friend,’ she murmurs.
Her words echo in my ear long after I have closed the door and climbed into bed, my husband snoring softly next to me.
ALIA
Fifteen years ago
The night felt important even as it was happening.
‘Truth or Dare,’ Noor yelled out to a chorus of rowdy hoots from across the room.
I plonked myself next to her, pulling my top down to hide the little strip of skin along the waistband of my jeans.
Noor’s parties were legendary at Wescott and everyone was there. Everyone except Sabah, of course.
We were in the basement, sprawled out on beanbags and cushions munching on bread pakoras and chilli paneer. A few girls from our class were clustered in the corner talking in low whispers while a playlist of Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera songs played in the background. For a party that had been thrown together at the last minute when Noor found out her parents were away, it was all very well organized.
Dhruv grabbed a beer from the nearly empty bucket and sat down next to me as we all scrambled to arrange ourselves into a circle.
Dhruv and I had been flirting for weeks now. We’d gone out a few times, mainly with friends, but we always managed to break away from the group. It seemed to be going well, but even with my limited experience, I could tell something was holding him back.
I knew it had something to do with his ex but every time I tried to ask him about her, he clammed up. All I had managed to learn was that she was a senior like him, and they had had one of those on again, off again relationships. Other than that, I knew nothing. Not even her name or what she looked like. I could’ve asked Noor, but for some reason, that was the time I decided I had principles. And anyway, the one time I had mentioned to Noor that things seemed to be slowing down, she offered to invite Dhruv over after school, the subtext being that she wouldn’t be there and I would. I laughed it off, both touched by her generosity and appalled at the suggestion. I was looking for a boyfriend not a quickie in my friend’s bedroom.
‘Are you ready for this?’ Noor leaned in and whispered into my ear. She looked at my empty glass and poured a large shot of vodka before passing the bottle on.
She crawled forward and placed an empty bottle in the middle of the circle. I couldn’t help but notice the way Mohit was looking at her, his eyes travelling across the deep hollow of her back and resting on her bottom. My skin crawled on her behalf.
‘Does everyone know the rules?’ Saloni asked after Noor was done positioning the bottle.
‘It’s Truth or Dare,’ Dhruv smirked. ‘How complicated can it be?’
‘We do things a little differently,’ Saloni replied. ‘We’ll spin the bottle, and whoever the bottle points to has to pick truth or dare. The person sitting opposite them chooses the challenge.’
‘But,’ Noor chipped in, ‘we don’t ask questions. If you pick truth, your challenger reveals a truth about you.’
I smiled. This was Noor’s favourite game. She seemed to know everyone’s secrets and she revelled in the power it afforded her.
‘So . . . ready?’ Noor asked, slinking back to the centre to spin the empty Smirnoff bottle.
The girl from Noor’s art class went first. ‘Dare,’ she yelled out, looking straight at Yash sitting across from her, before picking up her glass and draining her vodka and Coke in one go.
‘I dare you,’ Yash said, ‘to go upstairs and get another bottle of vodka from the kitchen.’
‘What is this, kindergarten?’ She straightened up, popped a couple of mints in her mouth and ran upstairs. She was back in less than five minutes carrying a bottle and a big bowl of popcorn. ‘Lame,’ she said to Yash before setting both on the floor and sitting down. She filled her glass up, adding a drop of Coke to take the edge off, and then leaned forward to spin the bottle at the centre.
I took a large gulp from my glass, the alcohol easier to stomach with every searing sip, and rearranged myself so I was a little bit closer to Dhruv. At some point during the game, his hand had come to rest on mine and I became acutely aware of the pattern his fingers were tracing, sending ripples of excitement through me with every agonizing graze.
The bottle slowed to a stop, pointing straight at Saloni, sitting across from Vineet.
‘Dare,’ Saloni said, a little too quickly.
‘I dare you . . .’ Vineet smiled, ‘to pick truth.’
Saloni made a show of rolling her eyes. ‘Fine. Truth.’
‘Ninth grade. Finals. You cheated on the French exam,’ Vineet started and Saloni shrugged, as if to say, so what, but Vineet just cocked his head. He leaned forward, resting his hands on the floor, and looked at Saloni for a long moment. ‘You had the verbs written down on your thigh, snaking all the way up . . . Let’s just say you’re the reason Yash and I failed that paper.’
‘You bastard,’ Saloni shrieked. I found myself laughing with the rest of the group as she threw a fistful of popcorn at Vineet. The only person sitting quietly was Niv. I noticed her looking at me and shrugged. We were all friends here. I turned my attention back to Dhruv.
‘Another drink?’ he whispered, tightening his grip on my hand and leaning in so close I could feel the shape of his words in my ear. I nodded, not trusting myself to move.
Dhruv poured us both a drink and shuffled closer to me.
I became very aware of his hand snaking up and down my back and the sensation that generated between my legs. I felt Noor’s eyes on me as I leaned forward, letting Dhruv’s fingers slide lower as I reached out to help myself to some popcorn.
When I straightened up, Dhruv let his hand slip under my top, his fingertips cold against my skin.
It was electric.
I fought to keep a straight face, and focused on the bottle spinning in front of me as it slowed down and came to rest pointing towards . . . me.
I took a deep breath. I said a little prayer in my head.
‘Dare,’ I said, looking straight at Addi across from me, willing her to read my mind.
‘I dare you . . .’ Addi said, ‘to kiss Dhruv.’
I just about managed to hide my smile.
A few of the boys cheered, as I turned to Dhruv, eyebrows raised. Though we’d been teasing each other for weeks, all we had done so far was hold hands. This would be our first kiss, and though he didn’t know it, it would be my first kiss ever.
I waited for him to nod, and then leaned in, intending to give him a quick peck. But the curl of his hand on my neck changed everything. I felt my lips part as he kissed me softly, and in hindsight, a little sloppily.
I looked away when we parted, grateful that the dim lighting was enough to conceal the flush that I knew would be creeping up my neck.
I leaned forward and spun the bottle, quickly, carelessly. I laced my fingers through Dhruv’s and looked around the room. Everyone looked happily drunk, and I found myself smiling until my eyes came to rest on Niv. She looked disgusted and made as if to get up but Noor stopped her.
‘Hey,’ Noor said, ‘you know the rules. No one leaves until the game’s over. It wouldn’t be fair.’
‘Fine, whatever,’ Niv said just as the bottle came to rest, pointing directly at her, with Noor her challenger.
‘Truth?’ Noor asked, her words slurring a little. ‘I’m not sure you can handle a dare from me, Niv.’
‘Dare,’ Niv replied without missing a beat.
‘You asked for it,’ Noor shrugged. She paused, as if she was trying to come up with something, and my heart clenched. I knew that look.
And I knew, instantly, that I’d made a huge mistake.
‘I dare you to take those bandages off,’ Noor said to Niv.
Niv looked like she had been struck. This was a step too far, even for Noor.
‘What the hell, Noor,’ I said.
‘That’s not funny,’ Dhruv said at the same time and I looked at him, surprised. He was in the same year as Niv, but I didn’t know th
ey were friends.
‘Lighten up, guys, it’s just a game. And you, of all people, want to see this Dhruv,’ Noor said.
‘What . . . what does she mean?’ I turned to Dhruv.
‘I’m done here,’ Niv said, getting up.
‘I told you, you couldn’t handle a dare,’ Noor said to her. ‘How about the truth then? There are no scars underneath those bandages, it’s just another trick to lure your ex back.’
The whole room went quiet. Someone gasped.
‘Is that true, Niv?’ Dhruv asked and all of a sudden, it fell into place.
‘You and your lies. I don’t know why I bothered coming,’ Niv spat before spinning around and running out of the room.
‘Is she your—’ I started, needing confirmation, but before I could finish Dhruv got up and ran after her.
‘Prove me wrong. Show us,’ Noor called out as the group fell into an uncomfortable silence.
‘What?’ Noor said, reaching out to spin the bottle again. ‘It’s true,’ she added, looking at me. ‘I’ve seen it.’
When I asked her later why she did it, why she humiliated Niv so cruelly in front of everyone, Noor looked genuinely confused. ‘I thought you wanted her out of the way . . . so you could make things official with Dhruv. Isn’t that why you told me about her?’
‘I didn’t even know she was his ex! All you and Sabah said was that he’d dated a senior. You never told me it was her.’
‘Oh,’ she said, giving me a wounded look. ‘I was just trying to be a good friend.’
She looked so hurt and so puzzled that there was nothing for me to do but forgive her. I smiled and – this is the bit that haunts me to this day – I said, ‘I know. I know you were. Thank you.’
ALIA
I wake in the milky pre-dawn light, the sheets a hot tangle around me, the memories from last night resurfacing even before I’ve had the chance to open my eyes.
I listen for the sound of Arjun breathing next to me, but the bed is empty and all I can hear is my own heartbeat. Rapid. Panicked.
Can You See Me Now? Page 7