“It’s not exactly a waterfall,” Ash says.
“It is,” Spider says. “Lo would think it’s perfect.”
The water drags heavy and cold against my jeans, the stones underneath me made of ice.
“Come on,” I call to Ash. I need him close, so he follows us too. We wade through, the stream touching up to our knees, Ash shouting the cold like a madman into the air around us.
The sound changes as we get closer to where the line of water streaks headlong down the rock. Spider is first and he stands in the mess of bubbles close to where the water falls, presses his hand through to touch the rock behind. He makes it spray in all directions, ducks down his head, laughing as it hits into his eyes.
I go quicker to meet him, put my hand next to his, feel the rush of water hit my skin. I’d forgotten what it feels like to laugh and I let the sound and the feeling hit into the water too, as it covers my clothes, my hair, my skin with cold stars.
“She’s here, isn’t she?” I ask Spider.
“Yes.” His smile is wide.
I know that she is. I can feel her next to me, I can feel her watching in the trees, she’s sitting on the rocks and diving in the river. And I know she’ll always be with me.
“I found you,” I whisper.
“I’ll keep my promise,” Spider suddenly says. “I will, Lo.” He looks up to the sky through the sound of the waterfall.
I don’t ask him about his secrets, but I take Lo’s hand and hold it so tight.
I see myself push my arms into sequined sleeves, pulling the loop at each end over my fingers. I know I’ll find Lo balanced on the silver wire. We’ll be together, caught high on the trapeze. I’ll see Lo as I fly through the air.
And she will be there, ready to catch me.
★ ★ ★
The cold only hits me as we scramble back up the bank. Spider is already heading back through the trees.
“Wait,” I tell Ash.
“Are you OK?” he asks.
“Yes.”
I am. Aren’t I?
I hold his hand and take him back to the very edge of the river.
“What is it?” he asks.
The sky up above us is star-bright white. The ground underneath us holds us steady.
You can do this, Lo tells me.
“I want us to leave our footprints,” I say.
Ash looks at me, his eyes filled with a million words.
“OK,” I hear him say.
So I lift one foot, feeling the other press strong next to Ash’s on the ground. When I topple slightly, Lo holds me safe.
I promise we’ll burn bright for you, I tell my sister.
And together, Ash and I leave our footprints.
Acknowledgments
There are so many people who are the pieces of the jigsaw that made this book whole:
Firstly, my mom, who fought so hard to stay with us and gave us precious extra years. I love you, and I know that you’re still with me every step of the way.
Thank you, Miles, for listening to my self-doubt and somehow always finding the right words. And to Frank, Arthur, and Albert—thank you for making every day brilliant.
To Philip, Lara, Emma, and Anna—you are sibling gold! And to my nephews and nieces—Annie, Tobia, Freddie, Harry, Tilly, Amelia, Joshy, Oliver, George, Sammy, and Johnny—for putting up with the tea-towels and dancing.
To my friend and fabulous agent, Veronique Baxter, where all my books start—this one wouldn’t have ended without you. Thank you for keeping me going—your belief and encouragement means the world to me. And to all the wonderful team at David Higham—especially the lovely Laura West—thank you!
To my truly amazing editor, Ali Dougal—thank you for wanting Lo’s story to be told. And for not just holding my hand but dragging me to the finishing line! I learn so much from you, and you make me a better writer every day. Thank you also to Rachel Mann—you were so in tune with me straight away and your editorial input was invaluable. And Amy St Johnston—thank you for being so patient with all my last-minute changes and wobbles!
To the rest of the brilliant team at Egmont—I’m so proud to be with your publishing house. Especially to my star-shine publicist, Emily Thomas—my Rescue Remedy in human form! Thank you, Cally Poplak, for welcoming me with so much warmth and support. To Laura Bird and Janene Spencer—thank you for creating my beautiful cover. And thank you, lovely Tiff Leeson, for all your support.
Thank you also to my copy-editors whose detailed brains never cease to amaze me—especially Susila Baybars—you went above and beyond when technical issues melted me.
Thank you to my editor-in-waiting Ffion Edwards—you will be a brilliant addition to the publishing world! And thank you also to Nancy Hornby and Ellis Rossiter who read early chunks when I was panicking—your feedback was perfect and all of it was integrated into the final book.
To Tony Sharp—thank you for taking the time to talk with me about the wonderful circus life you shared with your wife, Maria. Thank you, Mari, for answering my endless stream of medical questions—even when balancing Gwilym on your hip in the middle of a camping field! And to Dr. Chris Nicholson—thank you for your feedback and advice. I hope that Lo’s story will stop at least one person ending up as your patient.
To Miss Madras and Mr. Trotman—the books you taught me are among my favorites to this day—thank you for being inspiring teachers and soldering my love of words.
Thank you Lucy for your friendship—and for long meals with your beautiful family—Martyn, Oliver, Finn, and Ava. And to my Rooty Toots, for love and laughter.
Thank you, Nikki, for turning me into a mermaid and to the rest of my brilliant writing group—Suzanna, Sandi, Lucy, Debs and Allie. And the people who make my world tick happy—the wonderful Whinneys, our Cameroooons, Stephen M. Nash, Abi, Er, Wally, Helen, Sarah, Laura Treneer, Shanaz, Nick M-M, Andrew, Jo Sykes, Becky, Sam, Rosie, Francoise, Fabia, Cathy, Carlene, Ula, Ian, Karen, Karolina, Helen Benson, and Lou.
To Oliver and Lucy Lapinski—your support means so much. And a big thank you to all of the amazing bloggers—especially my friend Michelle Toy (Tales of Yesterday), Grace Latter (Almost Amazing Grace—but it should just be “Amazing Grace”), Lisa (City of YA Books), Viv Dacosta (Serendipity Reviews), and to all those at Maximom Pop Books. And to Jules, Ness, and Naomi who run the fabulous Book Nook—where I could happily live.
To Jason Brown, “one of the good guys,” who left this earth too young.
And finally, to my writing spirit—you held on tight as I put you through the wringer. It wasn’t an easy path, but thank you for staying by my side and leading me along it.
Topics for Discussion
Why do Rita and Lo’s parents forbid them from associating with flatties? Do you think something bad happened in the past, or are they trying to avoid something bad happening in the future?
Why does Rita feel jealous of Lo when she meets Dean? How does this affect Rita’s approach to romantic relationships later in the story?
Rita thinks their family is lucky to live in the circus because it’s the only place they fit, but Lo isn’t so sure. Why does Lo feel as though the circus lifestyle is a restriction on her freedoms but Rita feels the opposite?
Would the circus be better off with or without Rob? Why?
When Dean finds Lo crying by the fountain, why does he take her right to the abandoned soap factory without asking what’s wrong?
Why does Lo slowly begin to identify with her changeling character in the circus act as the story progresses?
Is Lo protecting others or hurting others when she keeps her troubles secret? How does her decision to keep it all inside affect her?
Why does Lo begin to question the circus lifestyle when she meets Dean?
Lo says it is possible to miss what you’ve never had. Why does she think this, and why does Dean disagree? Do you think you can miss what you’ve never had?
Why is Rita drawn to Rob and what makes him more interesting
to her than Ash? When Rita confesses her love for Rob to Lo, is Lo’s reaction helpful or harmful to Rita?
Why is Lo not able to come forward about her mother’s affair? Is it her responsibility to do anything? Is she helping anyone by keeping it secret?
Lo gets to know her grandfather much better after they talk about her grandmother on the beach. What are the similarities and differences between how her grandfather misses her grandmother and how Lo misses Dean?
Why doesn’t Lo decide to paint herself alongside the portrait she makes of her family?
Rita tells Lo that settling with someone from the circus is the right thing to do, but Lo doesn’t want to settle for anyone less than Dean. Is it better to settle for safe love or strive for something riskier? Is Rita being hypocritical when she says this because Rob was originally a flattie, or does Rob now count as circus family?
Dean is worried that pursuing his passion for art as a career is a bad choice. What is he worried will happen, and what’s the right decision for him to make to be happy?
Who or what is most responsible for Lo’s decision? Why does she regret it? Which has a more permanent effect: Lo’s decision or the problems that drive her to do so?
About the Author
Lisa Heathfield launched her writing career with Seed, her stunning young adult debut about a cult. Before becoming a mom to her three sons, she was a secondary school English teacher and loved inspiring teenagers to read. Paper Butterflies is her beautiful and heart-breaking second novel. Lisa lives in Brighton, England.
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