I bit my lip. At that point I’d only been thinking that anybody could walk by, that I hadn’t meant we should do it right that second, and that I didn’t know why his mouth was so wide open. “No.”
Valerie sighed. “All indications are that you and Keaton are good friends. Nothing more.”
My heart thumped in my chest and my hands shook in my lap. “But you guys, Keaton has always been there for me. For as long as I can remember, he’s the one who’s there. We do everything together. Since we were babies, we’ve been living our lives side by side. Surely that means something.”
“Of course it means something,” Valerie said. “You do realize, don’t you, that you just perfectly described our relationship? The three of us sisters? That’s the kind of relationship you and Keaton have.”
“Maybe,” Cat interrupted, softening Valerie’s blow. “It’s only something to consider. It’s for you to decide. No one else can decide for you.”
They were right. They were both right. People had been pushing Keaton and me together our whole lives. Other people were designing my life. I’d kissed him because I’d been too afraid to say no, and because it might hurt his feelings. And if the look on his face when he dropped me off was any indication, I’d hurt him anyway, and I’d hurt myself too. “I can’t believe I waited all this time for that.”
Valerie patted my hand. “Don’t write off kissing altogether.”
“Yeah,” Cat said. “And if you decide to give things with Keaton another chance, keep in mind that he can improve with some coaching.”
I crossed my arms, still feeling stung by the whole experience. I didn’t want to coach Keaton. I didn’t want to tell him what to do with his lips. I didn’t want to try to force my feelings to comply. But most of all, I didn’t want to lose his friendship. I walked to the door. “I’m going to go take a shower and wash this night off.”
Standing under the spray and letting the water slide down my face, my mind wandered back to the growling of Johnny Bright’s motorcycle. His voice. You need a ride? I shivered under the warm water. Not everything tonight had been terrible.
Chapter 2
Johnny
Needing speed, needing space, I made a left turn and headed out of town. The neat rows of manicured homes turned to corn fields and pastures. My bike rumbled beneath me, and the wind cooled off my body, but not my temper. The headlight on my bike sliced through the black night. And in my mind, Audrey Sparrow’s face was bright as day.
My teeth were still clenched. I relaxed my jaw and tried to calm down. But dang. The sweetest girl I’d ever seen, ever known, had been kissed by that jerk, and kissed terribly. It would be laughable if it hadn’t been so awful. He was practically gnawing her face off. The worst part was, that had been her first kiss.
It woke the lion inside me, and I made a low growl in my throat, remembering how badly I wanted him to take that step forward and take the first swing.
I’d heard them talking about it at dinner. I’d been a couple booths away with a good view of the back of Audrey’s head. The guy—I was pretty sure Keaton was his name, he was an Asher anyway—was practically begging her to kiss him. It was pathetic. He was totally ignoring her body language, which was so obvious a rock would have understood it. I had to get out of there, so I left without finishing my food, and then of course I drove up on them going at it.
I snorted, the sound reverberating in my helmet. She deserved better. Better than that kiss and better than Keaton Asher.
I hadn’t planned to ask her if she needed a ride. The words had flown out of my mouth on impulse, and as soon as I said them, I expected her to recoil in horror. Instead, I saw her hesitation. I saw her considering. But she’d said no, and she’d said it so politely. I shook my head at myself and sped up, the trees blurring as I drove past them.
Audrey Sparrow certainly deserved better than Asher, but she deserved better than me, too. I’d hashed it out thoroughly over the years, and I knew the score. Put in simple terms, she was rich, I was poor. She was thoughtful and patient, I was rash and made bad decisions. She was sweet, I was...not. She didn’t hang around guys like me, and I didn’t hang around girls like her.
I sighed and stopped dead in the middle of the road. I idled a minute, then turned my bike around and headed out to Clay’s house. He told me earlier that he and Graham would be hanging out. I hadn’t felt like socializing at the time, but I felt like it now.
I drove back into town, past the shops and nice houses, and over to the west side. At Clay’s house, I drove my bike up his driveway and onto the grass, passing his house and crossing the huge expanse of his backyard, until I reached the tree line.
I revved the engine and Graham flipped me off. Clay swatted him on the back of the head. I shut off my bike and hit the kickstand, setting my helmet on the seat. I joined my friends around the cinder block fire pit, which smoldered gently, a thin column of smoke rising in the night. They’d been here a while. They each held a bottle of beer, which they’d probably nurse all night, because the excitement of doing something forbidden had worn off long ago, and being black-out drunk had lost its allure. And personally, I was tired of getting dragged into the police station for underage drinking and being picked up by my disappointed mother. Thankfully, she hadn’t worn that sorrowful look in at least four years.
I dropped into the empty chair beside Clay.
“I thought you weren’t coming,” he said.
I answered by sighing loudly.
Clay took a sip of his beer. “Need a drink? There’s one more back at the house I could go get for you.”
“Nah.” I rarely drank anymore, and Clay knew it, but he always offered. You wouldn’t know it if you asked most people in this town, but Clayton Jones was a stand-up guy. I sighed again. “I saw Audrey.”
Graham leaned forward and grinned at me. “Did you talk to her this time?”
I smirked. They loved to give me crap for not approaching her. It wasn’t that I was shy, it was that I knew better. “Actually, yes.”
“What did you say?” Clay asked.
“I asked her if she needed a ride.”
Graham snorted. “I bet that went over well.”
I tapped a rhythm on the arm of the plastic chair. “About as well as you’d expect. She said, ‘No, thank you.’”
They busted out laughing.
I rolled my eyes at them, and waited for them to stop. “Listen,” Clay said. “She’s not the bike riding type. Can you picture her in a leather jacket and a helmet?”
My eyebrows flew up. I very much liked the picture that formed in my mind. Audrey in a helmet, wearing my jacket, her arms tight around me and her long hair blowing in the wind as we drove the back roads.
“You need to ask her to dinner or something a little more tame,” Clay continued.
I laughed. “I wasn’t making my move, Clay. I didn’t just walk up to her and ask her to get on the back of my bike. Keaton Asher was kissing her—more like mauling her—right on the street, and it was obvious she didn’t like it. I drove up and gave her an exit plan.”
Graham nodded, having turned thoughtful. “That’s actually really good.”
“Except she didn’t take me up on my offer.”
Clay pointed at me with his beer bottle. “That’s because Audrey Sparrow has impeccable manners. She’d never walk away from a guy she was on a date with to be with another guy. That would have been rude.”
I rubbed the scruff on my chin and felt a little better. That was probably true. I had seen her eyes. She wanted to say yes. She wanted to escape that situation. And yet, she said no. I’d thought that had to be because of who was doing the asking. Me. But maybe it was because of who I was asking. A polite woman.
“Just bad timing, sounds like,” Graham said, agreeing with Clay. He tapped his temple. “But you planted the seed. I bet she’s thinking of you right now.”
“Yup,” Clay nodded. “She’s daydreaming about riding on a bike with a bad boy.”
Clay drew out the last two words in a high, silly voice, and I chuckled. It was why I’d come here. People thought my friends were punks, but I knew the truth.
“Here’s the thing,” Graham said. “You need to dress a little nicer.”
I looked at my ratty jeans, threadbare black T-shirt, and black leather jacket. The jacket was nice at least, but Graham had a point. I could upgrade my wardrobe a little bit.
“Nah,” Clay put in. “If she won’t have you as you are, you don’t want her. The clothes don’t make the man. That’s the dumbest crap I’ve ever heard.”
In theory, I agreed with what he was saying. But I knew the way this town saw me. I didn’t know if Audrey bought into it, too, but the way she saw me mattered. If clothes would help, it was worth a try.
I’d been trying to get out from under my father’s reputation my whole life. He was a literal bank robber. I didn’t see how being the son of someone who’d been locked up since I was five years old was supposed to make me a bad person, but apparently people thought it did.
For a while, way back in middle school, I gave into it. I thought, fine, if people expected me to be like him, maybe I should be like him. They seemed to want it, craving the drama and the gossip, so I gave them what they wanted. And now I couldn’t escape my own reputation, either. Mistakes I made when I was thirteen years old still followed me, and were as present as my shadow. I hadn’t been in real trouble for years, but I saw actual fear on the faces of some of the ladies around town when we crossed paths.
I ignored the pit that opened up in my stomach thinking about these things. People would never change their minds about me. There was nothing to do about it but move away, and I wasn’t moving. My mom was here. My friends were here. Alden was my home, even if I didn’t always feel welcome. I lifted a boot and inspected the spot where the sole was peeling away from the leather. “I could try a little harder, though. I could spend a little money on new clothes.”
“Don’t change for anyone, Johnny,” Clay said. “You’re fine the way you are. You’re good enough for Audrey Sparrow.”
Graham nodded. “Heck, you’re too good for her if she’d choose Asher over you. Maybe she’s not that smart.”
He laughed at his own joke, but I glared at him. I loved Graham like a brother. I really did, and I knew he meant well. But sometimes he tested my patience.
Clay saw me glaring and slapped Graham on the arm for me. “Shut up.”
Audrey was both kind and intelligent, so I had no idea why she was with Keaton Asher. I’d seen them together around town a lot, and she never seemed that happy with him. When he was around, it was like her color was gone and she existed in black and white. She had this fierceness inside her, but for some reason she kept it hidden most of the time. I wished she’d let it out. But a person had to be comfortable in their skin in order to do that, and she rarely seemed to be fully at ease.
Of course, I’d only ever seen her from a distance. I’d made up a lot of stories about Audrey Sparrow over the years, all based on my observations. I wanted the real story. After tonight, I was ready to take a shot. I didn’t know if I was good enough for her, but maybe that was for her to decide, not me.
I settled back in my chair, feeling better about the whole thing. I was still plenty mad at Keaton Asher for being such an idiot and ruining her first kiss like that, but I’d made a decision. I was going to throw my hat in the ring. She’d probably tell me no, but at least this torture I’d put myself through the last several years would be over.
“Hey guys,” came a voice from behind us.
We turned our heads to see Adam, Clay’s younger brother, walking toward us. He stumbled a little and caught himself on Clay’s chair.
Clay shot me a dark look. Adam was only fifteen, and he was making some stupid decisions—even stupider than the ones we’d made when we were younger. It was hard to watch it happen, and even harder feeling powerless to help him. He was as stubborn as I had been, and there was nothing anyone could have said to me that would have slowed me down, so I knew there was nothing Clay or I could do. Not really. The most we could do was try to be there for him. Clay didn’t want to give up, though, and I understood that, too.
Clay stood and grabbed Adam’s arm, swinging him into the chair he’d just vacated. “Have you been drinking?” Clay demanded.
Adam pointed to Clay’s bottle. “Like brother, like brother.”
Clay huffed. “Where’d you get it?”
“Where’d I get what?” Adam slurred, his brows furrowing.
“Where’d you get whatever alcohol you drank tonight?”
“From Rick. And the guys.”
Clay’s nostrils flared and he put his hands on his hips as he glared at his brother. “Rick Hall?”
Adam blinked slowly, as if trying to remember Rick’s last name, as if there were any other Ricks in Alden, then nodded.
“I told you to stay away from him, Adam.”
“And I told you I can take care of myself.”
“Anybody taking care of themselves would stay away from Rick and his friends.”
Adam swung his arms in a wide circle, and smiled. “Well, I like Rick. He’s my friend. I’m one of the friends you’re saying I should stay away from.” He laughed.
I nudged Clay with my foot. “Let it go, man. You can’t reason with him right now, when he’s in this state.”
Clay ignored me. “Adam, you only like him because he wants you around. He’s testing your loyalty because he wants to use you. Can’t you see it?”
A few months back, Rick told Adam to steal a pack of cigarettes for him. Adam did, and got caught. Sheriff Martin had let him off easy, seeing as it was his first offense, and a rather small one at that, but I’d been here when the sheriff brought him home. Sheriff Martin had been to Clay’s house a few times in the long ago past, usually for the times Clay got into fights or that one time he spray painted a bridge, and when he brought Adam home that afternoon, he told their dad to watch out or Adam would turn out just like Clay.
It had been a punch to my gut, seeing the look on my friend’s face when he heard that. The thing was, Clay was the nicest guy. He’d made some bad choices, but he’d never been a thief. All that was in his past, anyway. Their dad had told Sheriff Martin he would make sure that didn’t happen, and I knew he’d only said it to appease the officer, but it still threw some salt in Clay’s wound.
Since then, Clay had taken it upon himself to try and guide Adam to the right path. I’d tried to help, and I’d do anything Clay asked me to. I thought what Adam really needed was some good friends, friends like I had now. That wasn’t something Clay could snap his fingers and make happen for Adam. We tried to include him as much as we could, but Adam didn’t want to hang around his brother and his brother’s friends.
“Screw you,” Adam said, softly, and tipped his head back in the chair and closed his eyes.
I stood and put a hand on the back of Clay’s shoulder. “He’ll be okay.”
Clay sighed and looked down at his feet. “You sure?”
“I’m ninety percent sure.”
He looked me in the eye and smiled. “I guess that’ll have to do. Help me get him to the house?”
We hefted Adam, who had thoroughly and suddenly passed out, out of the chair. I took one arm, Clay took the other, and we sent Graham ahead to distract their father. As we dragged him across the grass, I looked up at the pitch black sky. Tonight had made me think. I wanted some things to be different. I was ready to make some changes.
Chapter 3
Audrey
I pulled the front door open at eight the next morning. Keaton stood there, dressed and pressed, a tentative smile on his face. I was in pajamas with messy hair, holding a bowl of cereal. He leaned in, as if to kiss me, and I shoved a spoonful of corn flakes into my mouth and gave him my cheek. He pressed a kiss there, and I waved him in. “I...I thought you were going to call.”
“I decided to stop by before work
instead.”
I smiled at him, my lower lip trembling. “Okay.”
Dad was at work for his Saturday morning office hours, Cat was at the caves where she worked, and Valerie was still asleep. Not wanting to be alone with Keaton, I led him to the kitchen where Mama sat at the table drinking her coffee and reading the newspaper. I sat beside her, and Keaton took the seat across from me.
“Good morning, Keaton,” Mama said, a wide, warm smile on her face. “How nice to see you so early. Would you like something to eat? We have bagels.”
“No, thank you. I already ate.”
“How’s your mother this morning? I’m dragging, that’s for sure, but that movie was worth it. Have you seen it? I hope we weren’t laughing too loud and annoying you.”
He smiled at her. “No, you were fine. And Mom was up early to make pancakes and bacon, so I think she’s okay.”
“Oh, good,” Mama said, and went back to reading the paper. I ate my cereal in silence, and if Mama noticed the tension between us, she didn’t point it out.
My heart was pounding and I was chewing so fast my jaw ached. I tried to calm down, but it was no use. I’d decided something last night. I was going to tell Keaton he and I could only be friends. I would lay it out plainly, but gently. I could do it. I would do it. I just hadn’t expected to do it first thing in the morning.
Every time I pictured myself actually saying the words, I wanted to die. Every time I resolved that I would tell him, I would then waver and decide I’d rather pretend for the rest of my life than hurt him and upset our families.
How could I tell him this and ensure that we stayed friends? I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him altogether, but it was a distinct possibility. And I had to think about our families. If I wanted to hang out with Ruby at their house, I didn’t want him to feel like he had to avoid me. I wanted Mama to have her best friend, and for her to keep inviting their family over for dinner, and I wanted Keaton to come. I wanted to be his friend.
I was terrified that wouldn’t be enough for him.
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