by Kate Stewart
I took a steadying breath. “I have to go.”
“I’m right. You’re punishing me. You’ve been punishing me. And won’t even give me the time of day.”
“I’ve been living my life. You’ve been busy yourself.”
“And you never answered a single phone call.”
“You’ve called once a year,” I said accusingly.
“On our birthday. It was a good excuse.”
“For what?” I snapped.
“To show you I was still waiting!”
“Oh, this is ridiculous.”
“No, what’s ridiculous is you won’t even listen to what I have to say. You refuse to try to see how hard I’ve fucking worked to get straight. I went to counseling. I kept my promise to you, and I’ve sat back and respected your wishes when it comes to him, but no more. You belong with me.”
I guffawed. “Practicing abstinence, too, Crowne?”
“Fuck no,” he said. “But say the word, Stella, and I’m yours, and you’re mine, and we end this fucking charade.”
“My life is not a charade.”
“Where is he when it’s important, like tonight?”
“Don’t you dare judge him, ever. He’s the best man I know. And who in hell are you to talk? When it’s important? Are you serious? He’s been there for the last three years. Where were you?”
“In here,” he said, pressing his fingers to my temple before placing his burning hand to my chest, “and in here.” His palm seared me. “And working my ass off to get to this moment. To this. Right now.”
“I love him.”
“You love me, too, and I’ve been robbed long enough.”
“Oh? Have you now? You’re finally ready for Stella?” I scoffed. “Ship has sailed, Reid. Get out of my way.”
In a flash, I was pinned to the door, his hands holding my wrists, his eyes unforgiving. “I love you.”
“No.” It was a throaty whisper.
“I love you. And I miss you, Stella. And that’s not going to change.”
“Stop it,” I said, fighting his hold on my wrists.
“I miss hearing your dreams when you wake up. I miss spending nights just talking in our bed. Simple shit I would never take for granted again, as long as I got to do it with you. You’re all I think about. I haven’t slept a full night since you left my bed. Everything I’ve done since the minute I left Austin has been about getting back to you a better man. A man more capable of giving you what you deserve. I’m there. I’ve been there for a while, and it’s time you knew. And today and every day after is about getting you back. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wait anymore. I don’t want to, Stella. It’s our time.”
I bit my trembling lips.
“Stella, you haven’t forgotten. I see everything by just looking at you.”
“I’m with Nate.”
“Be with me,” he pressed. “You got me off my knees, Stella. Living with you, even in that shitty apartment, was the best time of my life. I don’t want to sleep another night without you.”
“Reid—”
His jaw ticked. “He’s going to ask you to marry him, if he’s smart. Don’t say yes.”
“Are you crazy?”
“Worse.”
“What is worse?”
“In love.” He dipped to kiss me, and I moved my lips away. He cursed and bit his lip, staring down at me, his frustration palpable. Exasperated, he took a step back. “Fine, I’ll play fair, but I’m playing. I want you back. I want you in my life.”
“You’re about to tour the world, Crowne. Just how do you propose to make that happen?”
Reid looked at me stunned, as if he’d just remembered he was about to play on five other continents. “Fuck!”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, there is that small rock ‘n’ roll thing.”
“Come with me,” he said softly. “Stella, I’ll give anything for seven more minutes. But I want all of them. You said I could have them all.”
“This was your plan? To drag me into an interview and then lure me into your life with an I love you?”
“It’s been three years and you haven’t chosen him.”
“I have,” I said with a leaden voice.
“No, you want to, but you can’t. There’s a reason, Stella, and it’s me.”
“We have a life together. I’m happy with Nate.”
“But something’s missing,” he said, forcing me to look his way. “You wonder what it would be like if we were together, if we had gone further. You still want the fairytale, but it’s mine to give you, and I can’t give it to you if you’re with the wrong fucking prince.”
“I’m not,” I said breathlessly.
“Stella, we aren’t finished and you know it. You’ve always known it.”
“Why are you doing this? We don’t know each other anymore.”
“I know you aren’t yourself, not the version you want to be. This housewives shit is only going to take you so far, and then what?”
“I grew up, my dreams changed.”
“To match his,” he retorted confidently. “Don’t marry him, Stella. You don’t belong to him. I scare you and that’s good. Do it scared, remember? You were always so quick to believe in me without reason. I’ll give you as many as you need. I’m right here, Stella.”
His words struck deep as I gasped out his name. “Please, don’t.”
“I love you,” he said, releasing me before he slid his thumb across my bottom lip. “I think about you every time I play. Every single day, I take you with me wherever I go.”
Anger and hurt surged through me as I shook my head. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to come here after years—”
“I couldn’t make promises then, Stella. I had nothing—less than nothing—and inside I felt like I was constantly on the spin cycle. I couldn’t stop spiraling. I couldn’t tell you this then. You were scared enough just starting out, and I was so damn desperate.”
It was the truth. He had been in no position to offer me anything but the day we lived in. He had been hanging on by a thread then. It was one of the reasons I could never fully hate him for leaving. Probably one of the reasons why I never stopped loving him.
“I remember.”
He leaned in on a whisper. “That first night you came over and washed my hair? Do you remember that?”
“Yes,” I said as hot tears streaked my cheeks.
He thumbed them away, his hands cupping my face, and waited for my eyes. “I was about to end it.”
He leaned in slowly, so slowly, and brushed his lips against mine. “You saved my life that night just by showing up.”
I burst into tears beneath the weight of his confession before he pulled me into his arms.
“It’s okay, Stella,” he whispered with warm breath in my ear. “I had to get straight. And no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t fix it.”
“I was so worried,” I said against his chest. “Every single day I worried. Especially when you left.”
“I know,” he said regretfully, “and I’m sorry you went through that. Stella,” he said in a breathy whisper, “you thought you weren’t enough, but that was just it. You were enough to make me want to try to figure it out. You were enough to make me want to get better, feel better, and eventually want more. You saved every part of me. The parts I thought were empty, you filled up. The parts I thought were lost, you brought them back to me.”
I lay my head over his heart as he gripped my arms.
“I can make those promises now, Stella. All of them. Any you need to hear.”
“Reid,” I said as I shook in his hold. Green eyes of fire searched mine. “Just once, say everything you want to say to me. Just this once.”
“I can’t do this,” I said truthfully. “I can’t. It was never a choice.”
“It is now,” he said, resolute.
“That’s not fair.”
He released me and clenched his fists. “Don’t tell me about fair when I have
to stand back while some other man touches you, fucks you, sleeps with you, holds you. Don’t tell me about fair, Stella. I had to get my shit together. I’ve done the work. I deserve you, too, goddammit,” he said through clenched teeth. “I deserve to be as happy as the next guy. It took me a while to realize I deserve you. Too long, but it’s not too late.” He leaned in on a heated whisper, my body firing off in response. “I want you. I want inside of you Stella, where I belong. Do you remember how it felt? How I felt?”
His breath tickled my neck as he pressed his body to mine.
“How we fit?”
White-hot heat slid between my legs. “Stop,” I said, my pulse skyrocketing as I hissed out a needy breath. “Don’t.”
“Please end this shit. Stop punishing me.”
“I’m not punishing you.” I pushed at his chest, giving myself some distance. We were too close to not being able to take it back.
I crossed my arms and gripped my sides. “I hurt him, I hurt me. You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“Tell me you don’t love me,” he whispered. “Say it, Stella,” he dared as I blinked out a fresh set of tears. When I stayed mute, he shoved his hands back into his slacks. “I thought so.”
But he wasn’t done, and the charged air between us said he might never be.
“Come with me,” he beckoned, and I shook my head. “I can’t.”
He cursed as he ran a hand through his hair.
“You can’t expect me to leave my life for you, Crowne. Last time you—”
His eyes snapped to mine. “I what, Stella?”
“You forgot me,” I whispered. “You showed up at that concert with another girl. Did you forget?”
“I was so hell-bent on trying to get you out of my head, Stella. It meant nothing. Nothing to me.”
“But it meant everything to me, Reid. You—” I swallowed. “It doesn’t matter. It can’t. I’m with Nate.”
“Stop saying his goddamn name!” Reid hissed as he looked at the floor between us, taking rapid breaths before he slowly brought his gaze to mine. “I’ll keep waiting.” He leveled me with the sincerity in his voice and leaned in to kiss my temple. “I never forgot you, Stella. Not you, not us, not any of it.”
He pulled back, leaving me spent completely by his smell, his words, and his eyes trailing down my body. “It’s not too late.” He opened the door behind him and slipped out, taking his warmth away.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Burn: Usher
I walked toward the private bar to avoid the eyes of everyone at the party. I needed a minute to get my head together. Tumbling from his words, the faint press of his lips against mine, his promises, I stumbled blindly into the room and was stopped short by the sight of my sister, Neil, and Reid drinking at the bar.
Paige saw me and stopped my retreat. “Stella.”
“Hey,” I said, approaching her.
“We’re hiding. Uncle Moto is trying to DJ now.”
Reid piped in, “How many uncles do you have?”
“A million,” my sister and I said in unison.
Paige was three sheets to something as she sat a shot of tequila down in front of me. I looked back at Reid as the blood rushed to my face. It was there, the heat, the burn, his words pulverizing all reasons to stay away from him. He loved me, and I was helpless against the pull. I needed to get away before the flames licked me and the rest of him consumed me.
“You okay?” Paige said, looking over her shoulder. “What’s going on?” she asked between Reid and me.
“Nothing,” I murmured.
Paige looked accusingly at Reid. “I thought this was over.”
“It is,” I snapped.
She turned in her seat, surveying us both. “Clearly it isn’t.”
“Paige,” I protested, realizing my sister was the most intuitive drunk in the history of mankind.
“Bullshit,” she snapped. “I could sense it then and I can sense it now.”
She glared at Reid. “She has a boyfriend, you know.”
“Stop it,” I barked.
Reid nodded with an, “I know,” his eyes burning a hole through us both.
“Paige, I’m fine,” I said, trying to keep the angry, tequila-filled Latina at bay. Seemed I wasn’t the only one with some unspoken resentment.
“You can’t get upset, Stella. I can’t ever see you like that again!”
I jerked her to face me. “Stop!”
She pulled away from my grip to face Reid head on. “No. Not this time. He needs to know.”
“Please, Paige. Please,” I pleaded.
“Know what?” Reid asked, his jaw turning to granite. Neil took a step forward. “Paige.”
“He needs to know you had a stroke the last time he left your door.”
All animation fell from Reid’s face.
“Yeah,” Paige continued. “After you decided to drop by that New Year’s Eve and pay her a visit. She had a stroke in her sleep.”
Reid stumbled back as if she’d just struck him. “What the fuck?”
Neil gauged Reid’s shock and interjected. “Paige!” he scorned, trying to do damage control, “Reid, chill out, man,” he said, backing him away from the both of us.
“It’s true,” she snapped at Neil before she looked back to Reid. “Loving you damn near killed her. She went down hard, Reid. Proud of yourself? Because you hurt her, my baby sister! She had to put medical tape on her eye to keep it closed for months so she could sleep normally.
I skipped right from horror to humiliation.
Tequila. Is. The. Fucking. Devil.
Or Paige was. I couldn’t definitively decide at that moment.
That was the most embarrassing fact about my stroke, aside from my slightly lazy eye, which everyone swears is barely even noticeable. I was over the theatrics of the whole episode, which was ironic because that’s what got me in the hospital in the first place. Waking up with my motor skills on the fritz was terrifying, but I recovered quickly. Still, my family made too much out of it. I wasn’t dying. I didn’t have a condition. I’d had a reaction. And Reid was feeding into it.
He was throwing Neil’s arms off as he tried to get to me. “Stella.” His face fell as his eyes swam with unshed tears while he tried to push past Neil, who was doing his best to try to keep him from confronting me. I remained calm because I had to. My heart was threatening to start that odd beat. As much as I wanted to push past all the debris between us, I was helpless against it. My family, my new life with Nate, even my own damn heart refused to let him past it.
“Is it true?” he asked with a haunted voice. He was so breathtakingly beautiful in that moment, vulnerable and susceptible to the cruelty of whatever venom that came at him. Larger than life, he had conquered the world, only to be spat at by the ones who set him off to do it.
Paige would never forgive herself when she sobered up.
“Reid, it’s not your fault,” I swore to him as he shattered like I knew he would.
“Goddammit, Neil,” he said, pushing at him to get to me, “just let me talk to her!”
“Stop, please,” I begged them both as I turned to glare at Paige. “Why? Why hurt him like that?”
She threw her shoulders back. “He can’t hurt you anymore, Stella. He won’t.” She looked back at Reid. “Just leave her alone. If you care about her, just leave. Her. Alone.”
Reid stopped fighting as her words hit him like blows. He jerked himself away from Neil’s clutches before he cleared the bar of every piece of visible glass.
Paige shrieked as I took a step toward him. “Reid.”
His breath sounded in gasps as he hung his head, broken. I reeled on my sister, rage boiling over. “Damn you, Paige!” I turned to Neil with a shriek. “Get her out of here!”
Paige looked between us with wide eyes and hesitation, but let Neil usher her out of the room.
I steadied my breathing in an attempt to calm his.
“Stella.” His voice was a whisper
as he turned to me. A tear fell from his eyes, pain twisting his face.
“I had my first stroke when I was fifteen,” I told him. “It was not your fault.”
I saw him visibly crack in front of me with his question. “And when I left?”
I shook my head. “It was so mild, Reid. I didn’t even feel it. It happened in my sleep. The doctors think it was because I overheated and then stood in the cold.”
“For how long?”
“Long enough,” I said, hating myself for it.
“How long were you out there after I left?” he asked.
“Too long.”
“It’s not my fault, huh?” He looked me over skeptically. “Then why did you overheat?”
I shrugged. “I’ve always been emotional. Like I said, the same thing happened when I was fifteen. I was fighting with Paige, of all people, so easy for her to point the finger. That had nothing to do with you.”
“Please don’t lie to me,” he said softly. “Please, Stella.”
“This isn’t life-threatening.” Okay, that was a small lie. “I have to try to stay cool, calm. It’s not a big deal. I just can’t do extreme weather, and I can’t go postal. I’ll live a long life.” That was the truth.
“Why wouldn’t you tell me?”
“Because that night was supposed to be goodbye,” I said. “Because I had Nate, Reid. I have Nate, and he takes care of me.”
Reid swallowed hard as he looked at the mess of glass on the floor.
“How the hell did we get here?”
“I was just thinking that,” I said softly. “I was thinking, if I had never asked you to kiss me, would we both be better off? And then I remembered all the good that came from it.”
“Baby,” he croaked, shaking his head as if to ward it off, “you had a stroke?” His eyes fogged, and then I saw more emotion run down his cheek. I felt it then, the ruin. The same pain I saw all those years ago when we parted.
“I did,” I said as my eyes filled. “But it’s not your fault, Reid. I don’t blame you, and if I weren’t so whacked out after, I never would have told Paige you were there the night before. She told my dad but my mother doesn’t know. That’s why you’re still alive. You should probably save yourself.”