I felt awful for him when he further explained what he had gone through after her death, turmoil that had him spiraling uncontrollably until he’d hit rock bottom.
Having read articles about the biography his wife had written, I knew some of what he’d just admitted. The rest of what I knew came from articles that I couldn’t assume were true. Yet hearing every detail from his mouth caused that sympathetic ache I already held to swell and twist violently in the middle of my chest.
There was no emotion in the way he spoke or behind his bland expression until he said, “Since you appeared on my doorstep, I’ve been trying so hard not to fall into the familiar pattern whenever something good came into my life. But it’s been hard as fuck not to dwell on how long it’ll be before I fuck it up, or before the Universe reminds me I’m not deserving. And being in the position to have all the times I do fuck up aired for the public to see is just the cherry on top of my crap sundae.”
“I am so sorry you went through all that.” Tears that had threatened the entire time finally fell, and he robotically reached his free hand over to catch a few of them. “But Trey… you are deserving.”
“So, everyone keeps saying.” I hated seeing so much doubt in those pale-blue eyes. “It’s hard for me to believe it after all I’ve been through. After almost two years of therapy, my doctor barely nicked the surface of layer upon layer of self-sabotage. Maybe Leila’s right, and it’s time for me to bust through this tornado of negativity that keeps circling me.”
“You spoke to Leila?” I asked, failing to hide the surprise behind my words.
“Yeah. That little wacko is always yapping about the Law of Attraction or some romantic crap.” For the first time, the corners of his lips lifted into a half smile. “She went as far as giving me a book she swears by. It only took me an hour to read that thing from cover to cover. I closed it, called Alec, and here I am.”
Often referring to that book myself, I glanced at where it currently sat on the top of my desk. “So now what?” I asked hesitantly.
“I don’t know.” Again, he looked down at our hands. “Clearly I’m not good at this.”
When I placed my free hand over our entwined ones, he raised his gaze. “Neither am I, but knowing we’re in the same boat helps a bit, don’t you think?”
“It does.” When his eyes remained tethered to mine, that familiar quickening that I’d become used to pulsated in my chest. “I just ask that you cut me some slack when I stand in the boat and threaten to capsize us.”
“Well then, I’ll try to always have life jackets on hand.” He released a humorless chuckle. “And I ask that you’re always completely honest with me.”
“I’ll try. I won’t lie to you, but I’m so good at hiding my feelings it’s as natural as breathing.” With a small smile, he leaned forward and pecked my lips before tucking me under his arm. We fell silent, and my head spun with all I wanted to ask regarding what he had unexpectedly just admitted to.
What were those feelings that he developed?
Was he confusing his love for Alivia with his connection to me?
How would this work?
How could two people who lived in different worlds mesh without issues?
On and on the doubts popped up like tiny bubbles in a freshly poured glass of champagne. And one day I’d have to know more, but for now, I just wanted to revel in the fact that whatever our relationship would become down the road, this moment represented us walking through an opened gate hand in hand.
Chapter 26
Trey
“You’re very quiet,” I finally said, dying to know what was rumbling through her thoughts.
“I guess I’m in shock. I had no idea you were feeling this way.”
I huffed before asking, “Complete honesty, right?” Her nod prompted me to admit, “Until you walked out, neither did I.”
The same had happened with Tara. It took her walking away for me to realize I didn’t want her to. And I couldn’t compare my relationship with Tara to mine with Camilla. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. But the common denominator in each situation was my need to hide behind the brick wall I’d erected. Of one thing I was sure, that wall had failed to protect me from heartbreak in the past. It may as well have been made of Styrofoam.
Camilla stared up at me while processing my confession but said nothing. “What?” I asked.
“I have a ton of questions, but that’s just me trying to find a way to also self-sabotage.”
“I get it.” I wasn’t much different.
“I do have one that I need to know the answer to.”
“Okay.”
“Are you confusing your feelings for Alivia with me?” When I went to respond, she placed her finger against my lips. “Let me rephrase. Two months ago, I literally threw you a curveball. Although you’ve amazed me in how you accepted our daughter into your life without any sign of doubt, you had no choice in the way that I kind of came along for the ride.”
“I have no idea what you’re getting at. A bit of insight…” Leaning in as if I were about to share a huge secret, I said, “I don’t speak ‘woman’ all that well.”
She laughed. “Okay, you know the movie Jerry Maguire?” Finding her adorable, I nodded while suppressing my grin. “Don’t laugh at me, but you know how Jerry instantly falls in love with Ray?” She waited for another nod. “Well, he kind of got swept up in that connection. And in addition, the eager way Dorothy gave everything up to help him had Jerry confusing gratitude with love.”
“Ah,” I said, completely understanding what she was getting at. “And then she realized he made a mistake and decided to let him off easy by leaving.”
“Right.”
“I’m not confusing my feelings for Alivia with you,” I easily admitted. “Want to know why?”
“Why?”
“Because for the longest time I resented you for keeping her from me. With time, that resentment lessened until it completely dissipated and turned into something else.”
“Something else?” she prompted.
“Other than resentment,” I stupidly responded. I knew what she was hinting at. I kept to myself that my therapist firmly believed love was a weightless emotion, like a helium balloon. It didn’t take much to suppress it. The slightest touch could keep it down, just as the lack of an obstacle allowed it to soar. Removing the obstacles—resentment, fear, stupidity, or even self-sabotage—made room for love to rise. I wasn’t sure yet if this thing I felt in my heart for Camilla was love, because it was so different than the other times I had loved. But now that I identified the presence of this emotion, I needed to keep it to myself until I figured it out.
Not surprisingly, Camilla wasn’t accepting my blatant omission when she asked, “Are you saying you love me?”
Despite how adrenaline shot through me, I instantly grumbled, “No.” I ignored the breathlessness even as my gaze wavered, my heart pounded, and my hands became clammy. These symptoms were just the old me trying to claw his way to the surface. Until then, I planned to ignore the panic I knew would come, but now that she’d pushed me up against the wall, that was easier said than done.
I need space, the old Trey cried out.
Without conscious thought, I released her hand and sprang up to relieve a gnawing feeling that came from nowhere. “I’m just sayin’… I feel something…”
Shit, here I go again.
When push came to shove, the hotshot I pretended to be took off into a sprint, leaving behind the coward with no balls. But admitting to something I didn’t have a handle on myself wasn’t fair to Camilla… and now I regretted trying to come clean at all.
As I stopped and stared at her while lost as to what I should admit, she watched me without judgment. All I wanted to accomplish was to open up and acknowledge she wasn’t the only one who’d developed feelings. This conversation had taken a turn I wasn’t prepared for, and I couldn’t help but think this was the first hurdle I’d tripped over and knocked to t
he ground in the race toward fucking up.
I guardedly watched her stand and walk over to where I remained glued to the floor. Staring up into my eyes, she gave me no indication of her thoughts, and I couldn’t help but assume the worst.
But then she placed her hands on my chest and smiled, effectively knocking the wind from my lungs. Calm. Instantly, my breathing evened out while I drank in her beautiful expression as it boldly stood toe to toe with old habits that refused to die within me.
“Complete honesty?” she asked, and I nodded. “I was never in love, so I have no idea what it feels like. Whereas you have been but are afraid to succumb to it. Either way, we’re both confused. Let’s not label anything, force anything, promise each other to always be brutally honest… and take one day at a time.”
I circled her in my arms. “That I can do,” I said before taking her lips in a soft kiss. It slowly went on, unhurried and purposeful.
Regardless, with each leisurely nibble, the desire I had suppressed for so long began to bubble up to the surface. Normally I was able to separate lust from love without a problem. With Camilla, they seemed to be one and the same. It had been that way with Tara as well. My entire life, my knee-jerk reaction had been to tamp it down… but I couldn’t fathom the need, garner the strength, or ignore the desire to do so now.
“Do you want something to drink?” she asked shyly.
Her lips still glistened from our kiss, and when my eyes continued to stare at them, her teeth bit down seductively. Although I probably would have kept going, Camilla pulled the pin on my grenade before it detonated. It was a smart thing to do. Scratch that, it was dumb as fuck, but that was the head below my waist arguing the point. The fucker had been hibernating for so long that these heated kisses she tortured me with served only as an invite to mating season.
The head attached to my shoulders was quick to remind the prick to chill the fuck out and stop acting like a horny teenager. That forced his accomplice, my balls, to retract and pout.
“Trey?” Consumed with my inner battle, I glanced at her while still in a horny daze. “Can I get you a drink? Or coffee, if you prefer? It’s that hour I usually need a cup.”
“Oh, um, coffee would be great.” She smiled and escaped into her kitchen, which was the corner of her living room. As I waited, I distractedly looked around, taking in her place. I’d been here plenty of times, but I’d never really paid attention to the little details I now knew were so very Camilla.
I hadn’t realized how bland it was. Such as the plain yet sturdy furniture that could probably last decades. The desk against the window neatly piled with stacks labeled by a sticky note with its deadline date. Alivia’s toys all neatly boxed in a convenient cubicle setup. No artwork, no color.
The personal touches came from the pictures she had scattered of her and our daughter, or a few starring Camilla’s best friends.
While she prepared the coffee machine, I wasn’t sure why, but I realized I hadn’t seen Camilla’s room before. Curiosity had me continuing down the short hall, past the bathroom, to a door I’d never walked through.
After a quick glance over my shoulder, I opened it like a creeper and then smiled at seeing the neatly arranged room. Although small, nothing was out of place. The bed was perfectly made and had more color in its floral motif than appeared anywhere else in her apartment. In fact, the entire room screamed of sunshine and bright summer days.
“What are you looking for?” she asked from behind me.
I pushed off the doorjamb that I’d been leaning on and shrugged. “Just curious.”
Amused, she raised a brow and asked, “And?”
“It’s very girly.”
“That surprises you?”
“Only because it’s different than the rest of the apartment.” Her expression instantly altered. For a moment I thought she took offense, but then she stepped past me and sat on the edge of her bed. Embarrassed to meet my eye, she stared down and shrugged. “What’s wrong?”
“That’s deliberate.” She gave me a small smile before explaining. “There was a time when Alivia was an infant that I had a few social workers randomly checking in on me.”
My heartbeat sped up. “What? Why?” Guessing it was the shock in my tone that caught her attention, I felt bad when she stared back at me with remorse creasing lines across her forehead.
“My ex once casually told my parents I had…” Her words died as she sucked in a breath. “I had left Alivia up here alone for hours. He meant to be funny, always siding with my brother and relentlessly teasing me. Even after breaking up, he never stopped playing mind games with me.”
“The truth was, I ran downstairs to grab something I had forgotten in my car. When I pulled the door shut, it automatically locked behind me. It was an honest mistake, but my landlord wasn’t home, and I couldn’t get back in without calling for help. Debbie wasn’t home, and he was the only other person I could think to call. Afterward, my mother wanted to make a point by contacting child services. They all seemed to think I wasn’t capable of fending for myself, much less a baby.”
Having been blessed with a vile set of parents myself, I wasn’t shocked at the callousness they’d displayed. It had to have occurred to them that they’d be unleashing a shitstorm with that phone call. Assholes.
“Anyway, it scared me. I read up as much as I could on what to expect and how to be sure they didn’t unfairly judge me. One website suggested keeping things at home clean, organized, and modest… which was what I did.”
When she still refused to look at me, I sat beside her. “Babe. That was an honest mistake.”
“Well, if they thought it would have me begging for help and returning to Puerto Rico with them, then it backfired.” She shook her head at the memory. “Anyway, they got the hint and left me alone after that.” Although she seemed fine with that part of her past, her big brown eyes failed to hide the hurt she still carried.
I guessed we had that in common. Abandonment. From the very people who were supposed to love us unconditionally. It made me want to protect her from anyone who tried to hurt her ever again.
Chapter 27
Camilla
Trey stayed for dinner, and we sat on the floor around my coffee table, sharing a pizza before he attacked the cupcakes Debbie had brought over.
We ended up calling Leila so we could say good night to our daughter. The beaming smile on her face when she saw that we were together at my apartment made it clear what she hoped would happen.
“Lose the grin, Little Lair, and put our daughter on.”
“Sure, sure. Hold on.” The screen rapidly shifted as Leila handed the phone to Alivia.
“Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy.” Seeing her beautiful face combined with her salutation brought me such joy.
“Hey, Squirt,” Trey said, leaning his shoulder harder against mine. “Having fun?”
“So much fun! Leila painted me and Siarra’s nails. Look.” She shoved her fuchsia-tipped fingers toward the cell phone. “I picked this color because it matches Hello Kitty’s bow.”
“It’s so pretty, sweetie,” I said.
“I know. Are you coming for pancakes tomorrow? Leila said she’s going to make Mickey Mouse ones.”
“Only if Leila makes me a Goofy pancake,” Trey said firmly. “I like him better.”
Alivia waved a hand with mock disdain. “Oh, Daddy.”
“Sweetheart, make sure you’re a good girl for Jack and Leila, and Miss Beverly, okay?”
“Yes, Mommy. Love you.” Her eyes widened before she added, “Oh, and you too, Daddy.”
“We love you too, Squirt.” Chills covered my arms at hearing him say that. After the day we’d shared, I dared to imagine us as a family. Sure, we were a long way from that reality, but in just one day so much had already changed.
“Wait. I almost forgot. Miss Leila said today was your birthday. We’ll have to have another party so you can make a birthday wish.”
“I already got my wish… you.�
�� He smiled wide for her and winked. “But okay, we’ll have another party if that’s what you want.”
“I do. And I have a surprise for you when you come tomorrow.”
“I can’t wait.”
“Bye, guys.” When the call ended, he tucked his phone back into his pocket. “She looks like she’s having a ball.”
“She won’t forget you okayed a party,” I teased, fully aware he was still pressing his body against mine. “FYI, her last birthday involved mani-pedis.”
“What the hell are mani-pedis?”
“Oh, you’ll see,” I said around a grin. But my smile soon faded as he drilled that hypnotic gaze right through me. His eyes then shifted down to my lips and held there, igniting me from the inside out.
He looked up for the briefest moment, as if debating, and then crushed his lips against mine with no warning. Until now, his kisses served as the worst form of foreplay… firing me up only to leave me hanging. And I had no idea what his position was on crossing a line we hadn’t yet, but I knew damn sure at that moment that if he were to go further, I’d take the leap willingly.
As if reading my mind, he wrapped his hand around my ponytail to ease my head back and deepen the kiss. Sexy strokes of his tongue against mine drove me insane. He tasted of sugar, and I gripped his wrist just to be sure he wasn’t stopping anytime soon.
Thankfully, Trey had no intention of stopping when he easily lifted me with one arm to position my ass on his lap. And when I shifted on his crotch, a sexy moan traveled through him. It spurred him to skim his hands around my hips and up my back. After a few firm passes across my T-shirt, they then slipped under the fabric to run over my bare skin.
They suddenly stopped to grip my sides, bringing his thumbs just below my breasts. This was too much. He was driving me crazy, and I needed more. The opportunity couldn’t be more perfect, and the mere thought of stopping caused a swell of panic so strong I took matters into my own hands by pulling away from his mouth to remove my shirt.
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