Global Warming Fun 5: It’s a Dry Heat

by Gary J. Davies

Chapter 10

  Silicon Valley

  The travelers were escorted by Custer and his CHiPs through several gates that were manned by other heavily armed CHiPs. Just beyond that were fueling stations, bars, restaurants and hotels to accommodate State truckers and traders. A CHiPs drone now continuously followed them overhead. The Rumsfelds were back in the late twenty-first century USA. Ed didn't know yet whether to be relieved or worried about that. He had already caught glimpses of the late twenty-first century in New York City and wasn't sure that he much liked it. Too many people and gizmos.

  "Quite a little boom-town you have here," remarked Mary.

  "Civilization!" said Ed. "Good roads, autos, new buildings, well dressed people, and the whole shebang!"

  Mara heard and responded via the radio link that Mack had established with the limo. "Largely our Northern California and Federal tax dollars at work," she said. "Decades ago the State learned that subsidizing the Stormtrooper Confederacy was far cheaper than directly providing order and disaster relief and fending off the Mexicans. This is the main gateway by which the State sustains the Stormtrooper Confederacy."

  "Sort of sounds like the State sold out many of its citizens," said Ed.

  "We did what we could," Mara replied. "Northern California had enough local problems when over twenty million people fled from Southern California to escape heat, draught, and chaos. Most people headed east or continued on even further north, but at least five million resettled in Northern California."

  "I thought that the draught hit the entire State," said Mary.

  "Yes, but it's not as bad in the North," Mara explained. "Except for millions of transplants from the South, things remained almost normal in our most northern counties and in Oregon and Washington states. But water has been a bad problem for most of California."

  "Bad enough that the North shut the aqueducts off and kept the remaining water for themselves," said Snake. "As a result the water wars in the South intensified. Thousands died from fighting and starvation."

  "Things gradually got better though," argued Mara.

  "Yes, a shitty new 'normal' got established," said Doll. "But every stable new normal social system seems to involve haves and have-nots. The Confederacy has the have-nots, the North has the haves."

  "Had to happen that way," said Snake philosophically. "They had the water, the people, and every damn other thing of value. We tried to capture the Delta area where Sacramento and San Joaquin Rivers merge and the aqueducts start but we failed. The best we could do was to settle for a steady trickle of assorted supplies from the North in return for over-all peace. Three quarters of the goods we get are paid for by the North, only one quarter are paid for by food that we grow mostly in greenhouses. We are merely the State's paid thugs, paid only enough to maintain general order and stop Mexico from spreading further north."

  "The Stone-Coats will change that," said Mary. "Within another five years you'll start to see a better new normal in both the North and South."

  "But any big change always means political destabilization and conflict," said Snake. "That's the way these things work. Ambitious people will always find something to fight over and about. They'll exploit the fears and hopes of their own people by deluding them to gain power and wealth for themselves."

  "But much human fighting will soon end," said Mack, startling the humans.

  "How do you know that?" asked Ed.

  "We have decided that humans fighting each other is not in our best interest," said the Stone-Coat. "We will inhibit human warfare."

  "Good luck with that," said Ed sincerely.

  The ride west to the San Francisco Bay area only took about an hour. Travel on the perfectly intact interstate highways was smooth and swift. They passed through a valley surrounded by scrub-covered hills that soon opened into a house-covered landscape with a sizable stretch of water beyond that stretched north further than the travelers could see. It was the southern part of the famous San Francisco Bay.

  Ed also sensed jant colonies scattered throughout the countryside, but particularly in each town. They sensed him telepathically also, and they exchanged cordial greetings with him but didn't initiate serious discussion. There was the usual scattering of native wild animals here also, including California condors. It was amazing how common the once rare giant birds had quickly become.

  Half an hour more driving through traffic laden highways and they were in San Jose itself, passing through the downtown area. The skyline of office buildings was much smaller but generally much newer than anything Ed had ever seen in New York City.

  "San Jose has for a long time had a much greater population and economic power than San Francisco." said Mara, "but San Francisco still seems to have the greatest historical and cultural appeal. Do you guys want to do a quick driving tour of the area now?"

  "Mary has had enough for today," Ed announced, though it was still only mid-afternoon. He had been monitoring her closely via her implant and she seemed to be very tired. "Can we get to a hotel soon?"

  "We have rooms booked for all of us in Sunnyvale," said Mara.

  "Good; we need some rest time," said Ed. "You have to understand that we've mostly lived in Mack since we got to California."

  "Not that there's anything wrong with that." added Mary. "We love Mack, but a nice quiet non-moving hotel room would be wonderful about now. I badly need my old lady nap."

  "The Governor has a gala greeting and dinner for you planned for tonight," said Mara.

  "That will be OK if I have time for a three hour nap first," said Mary.

  "We'll take the time," said Ed.

  "And I could use a shower and some fresh clothes," Mary added.

  "Me and you both," said Doll. "While Mary takes a nap I'll do some shopping for both of us. And I'll even get something spiffy for Snake and Ed."

  "I'm not going to a damn clothing store or wearing no damn suit!" stated Snake.

  "Trust me, Baby," said Doll. "I'm thinking biker business casual. You and Ken can hang out at the hotel bar with your new CHiP buddies. Mara will take me to some stores and buy us stuff, won't you Mara?"

  "Sounds like a plan," said Ed.

  "But the Governor is expecting us at seven!" protested Mara.

  "We'll shoot for nine," said Snake. "Take us to the hotel. Now."

  "Mary's health takes precedence," noted Ed. "RUMPELSTILTSKIN," he added quietly, for good measure.

  Mara replied nothing but the entourage very soon took a left-hand turn. In minutes they were pulling in front of an absurdly new and lavish looking hotel. Mara led the strange group into a lobby so huge that it could have easily contained all of the Giants' Rest Mountain caves of the Tribe. There was a glass ceiling a hundred feet above their heads and dozens of full-sized potted palm trees scattered around the lobby floor. There were also a half-dozen stunningly attractive young ladies behind the front desk instead of a hulking Stormtrooper. One of them informed the travelers that they were already checked in and smiled incessantly as a team of uniformed bus-boy people picked up their luggage and led them to luxurious rooms twenty stories above. An armed burly CHiP followed them and checked the rooms before they entered, and then discretely disappeared.

  The Rumsfelds had an absurdly huge and nice suite; thankfully the State of California was paying for them. Ed had budgeted staying in someplace more affordable such as a Red Roof Inn. The suite included a complete living room and kitchen in addition to an immense bathroom and bedroom. It was all so new and clean that the Rumsfelds felt obligated to take showers and change into clean clothes before contaminating it with their trip tarnished clothing and bodies. Wheels rolled Mary to the bathroom to shower and then to a reclining chair in the living room where she at last stretched out her tired body. Wheels quickly assessed and replicated control signals for the room's entertainment system and he and Mary began experimenting with it as Ed retreated to the bathroom.

  In the bathroom Ed was interested to soon discover a modern low-seat toilet
. He had heard of them but this is the first time he had seen and used one. The toilet bowl was so low that the seat was less than a foot above floor level. The idea was to squat and do your business rather than sit upright, resulting in less toilet paper use and less flush water use. Less water use was important for most of the world. Nifty idea, but already obsolete since Stone-Coat toilets didn't require any water at all and would likely soon become the commode of choice world-wide. However that would take years to happen. This particular fancy squat-toilet featured hydraulic stand-assistance for the physically inept, which explained how Mary had been able to get up off the thing when she was done with it.

  When Ed emerged clean and refreshed from the bathroom a few minutes later he was startled to find himself in a mountainous pine forest. He could also see as ghostly shadows the living room furniture and walls that were closest to him, but almost everything further away than a couple of yards was holographic forest that stretched miles into the distance. The exception was the recliner that held Mary, which incongruently sat next to a bubbling brook that ran down from a rocky mountainside. Birds and chipmunks scampered about, chirping and rustling the downed leaves that littered the forest floor.

  "It's a holographic room decor and entertainment system," Mary explained. "I heard about them but didn't realize they were out into the world yet. There are hundreds of locations to choose from. We could spend the rest of our vacation here and travel almost anywhere in the world without even leaving our rooms. We can be visited by simulated people also."

  "Sort of like a Star Trek holodeck," Ed remarked. "Except that what we see is of course not really solid." He stretched out his left arm and watched it reach through a pine tree trunk before touching the solid hotel wall that lay beyond it. A few square feet of wall immediately appeared. "Nifty. Notice how it responds to what I'm doing so that I don't walk into walls and so-forth. The pine-and-earth scent is a nice touch also. You need your rest though."

  "True enough," Mary agreed, as the pine forest instantly disappeared, though the scent of it lingered. "And I can't wait to explore the bedroom."

  Ed carried Mary into the bedroom and laid her out on the conventional looking king-sized bed. They checked the bed for bugs but of course there were none. They hadn't encountered such clean sheets in years. There was of course a second holographic entertainment system for the bedroom and Ed through his implant had Wheels display its menu on a wall. The system included several 'adult only' settings that Ed was not curious enough to explore and Mary was too old and tired to try out. It of course also included simulations of many restful locations world-wide, as well as several spectacular views of the universe as recorded by telescopes in space. They could even fly together on their bed trough the sky or throughout the universe if they wanted to, in Bedknobs and Broomsticks fashion.

  "The human-manufactured computational resources required for this system are immense," Wheels remarked, "including terra-flops of instructions and terra bytes of memory."

  "Well this is after all Silicon Valley," said Ed, "a world famous tech center. But this is opulence to such an absurd degree that it bothers me greatly. Not very far from here people are trading spinach for toilet paper that they will haul for hundreds of miles in desert heat using motorcycle trailers. Next to that this level of luxury seems utterly obscene. Pretty nifty though, I have to admit. I wonder if our Stone-Coats back home could replicate this in our caves?"

  "Yes they could," said Wheels, "though the purpose would not be understood. Why humans would wish to delude themselves about their surroundings in such a way is incomprehensible."

  "There have got to be truly useful applications such as on space voyages or to provide psychiatric therapy, but there's some sort of dangerously slippery slope here that could be hazardous, and humanity is already faced with far too many slippery slopes that cause us to often metaphorically fall on our asses."

  "You think about things too much and too critically, Ed," said Mary. "I think I'll take my nap on a Hawaiian beach. Wheels will keep me company, Ed. Why don't you go find your buddies at the bar? Maybe they'll have some nice holographic female entertainment."

  "Throwing me down a slippery slope, are you? OK, I'll check out the bar."

  Ed first assured himself that Mary was settled into her nap. The Hawaiian beach at sunset that she had chosen as her as her room decor was spectacularly restful. The air seemed slightly damp and salty with a tinge of exotic flower smell. In the warm glow of sunset she was soon nodding-off to the sound of gentle waves and the cries of distant sea birds. Wheels confirmed to Ed that she was deep into sleep and that her vital signs were within acceptable norms.

  Ed made his way downstairs to the hotel bar where he found Snake and Ken engaged in a serious discussion while eating and drinking. A ring of CHiPs including Custer surrounded them at a discrete distance, also munching on sandwiches and drinking beer. Ed felt safer already.

  "The beer selection here is disappointing unless you prefer something mild like traditional Anchor Steam," Snake told Ed, as he joined them at their table. "I like something more hoppy myself." He hoisted a big mug of dark beer and chugged down a few ounces.

  "I'm just drinking lemonade," said Ken.

  "I'll have the lemonade also," Ed told the waitress that had materialized nearby. He couldn't tell if she was real or holographic, but she was slippery-slope cute. "Haven't been able to find good lemonade in years."

  "Well I'm getting too damn old for alcohol," said Ken, "especially when I need to keep my head on straight, such as now. In a few hours you guys will be the subject of a press conference and you need to plan out what the hell you're going to say to California and to the world."

  "California and the world?" said Ed. "I thought that we were just going to have a quiet dinner with the Governor!"

  "And with the press and assorted VIPs;" said Ken, "hundreds of them of all political flavors. Make no mistake, your amazing rescue from the wilds of Southern California is a mega news story. Flanders wants to be seen publicly with you guys."

  "Mega news?" said Ed. "You have to be kidding! On any day somewhere in the world there are wars and other assorted mayhem that cost thousands of lives."

  "But who wants to hear about that?" said Ken. "That stuff happens every day! You guys are unusual news and you need to prepare yourself for the publicity."

  "I'm going to simply wing it," said Snake. "I n'll thank the Governor for his hospitality and for our peaceful relations with the State and so forth, of course."

  "Winging it sounds good to me too," said Ed. "I'll thank Snake and Doll for helping Mary and me, and try to honestly answer any questions they give me. We'll stick to the story line you outlined earlier, Ken, but mostly we will simply truthfully answer any questions they give us as best we can. I've been interviewed by the press dozens of times before. The main thing is to stay relatively honest but vague, and I'm a master at that."

  "Wow you guys are naive, unless 'relatively honest' includes some well-constructed lies," said Ken. "Here comes Mara. I'm sure she'll have some sobering advice to give."

  "Gentlemen," she said, as she pulled up a chair. "We have some things to talk about."

  "Where is Doll?" asked Snake.

  "I left her with my credit card and several of my most trusted CHiP agents, happily shopping in the trendy Silicon Valley Shopping Center only a few minutes from here. Ed and Snake can expect a new set of clothes to arrive here in a couple of hours. Meanwhile we can talk here fairly openly and safely."

  "Safely?" asked Ed.

  "This particular hotel is jant and Stone-Coat free, except for Wheels and your implants, of course," she explained, "and the CHiP escorts that surround us carry disruptive electronics gear to foil bugging devices."

  "If course," said Ken. "I had assumed as much. I was in the process of explaining to Snake and Ed the importance of the upcoming event and how they need to be prepared to say a few thoughtful words."

  "True," said Mara. "I need to also disclos
e to you some things you should be aware of. We have suspicions that jants plot to steal the upcoming State election for governor."

  "Ants are running to be governor of California?" asked Ed.

  "Through their med-tick controlled candidate, Lorna Rippa," said Mara. "Mostly they simply control people using cash, but selected people are what we call jant drones."

  "It could simply be rumor that she's jant controlled," said Ken.

  "HIPPOPOTAMUS," Mara added for Ed's benefit. "I'M TELLING YOU SOME HARD-WON JERRY-GATHERED INTELLIGENCE."

  "We call them jant zombies," said Snake. "My biggest enemy in the Confederacy is a jant zombie named Scar. Jants gave us some problems only a couple of days ago." He outlined the recent events experienced by the travelers at the aqueduct outpost.

  "Not surprising," Mara remarked. "They didn't want to kill you or stop you, but they did try to get control of you."

  "I need to have a serious discussion with my jant friends," said Ed.

  "Not yet," said Mara. "First we should try to figure out what they want. Knowledge is leverage and we need more. We do know that they are part of a nationwide network sponsored by the Falcone Unlimited Corporation. The so-called Falcone family controls many important people nationwide and internationally through bribes and med-ticks."

  "More rumors," said Ken.

  "So-called Falcone family?" asked Snake.

  "There is no Falcone family, at least not originally," said Mara. "A man named George Falcone appears to run the company, but his last name used to be Kelso."

  "George Kelso?" said Ed. "Why does that name sound familiar?"

  "He was the first human to be cured of cancer by a med-tick about twenty years ago," said Mara. "He may have also been the first jant drone."

  "Son of a bitch!" Ed exclaimed. "I think I've met the man at some sort of UN shindig in New York!" He asked a cute hovering waitress for mild beer. The conversation was getting too serious and crazy for just lemonade.

  "Was he hosting a tick?" asked Snake.

  "I don't remember," said Ed. "A lot of people host med-ticks for medical reasons. I probably would have noticed but not paid it any attention. On the Reservation I'm surrounded by jants and constant jant chatter."

  "Falcone holdings and interests are world-wide," continued Mara.

  "Hacker and I suspected some such shenanigans," said Snake. "After all, it wouldn't make sense for desolate Southern California be their only interest. Jants are world-wide so it's only logical that jant zombies are world-wide."

  "We have found possible links between the Falcone Corporation and Lorna Rippa, the LGBTQAIMRJ advocate and candidate for California Governor," said Mara.

  "The what advocate?" asked Ed. "LGBT folks are mainstream now; you lost me after that. The letters after LGBT keep changing."

  "Yes, that has become a controversial problem among civil rights advocates," said Mara. "Too many sorts have folks have tried to hitch their wagons to the establishment LGBT people in order to gain legitimacy. Now Rippa advocates for jant drone equality. They want jant drones to be legal and accepted by society as a legitimate life-choice. Right now people with med-ticks and no medical problem are more or less arrested and their ticks are anesthetized and removed."

  "It all sounds like over-reaction to conspiracy theory nonsense," said Ken.

  Ed was having a hard time getting his head around all this. He had lived with jants for forty years and seen no hints of jant drones/zombies, and he was Tribe Clan Leader for several people that had indeed chosen to host med-ticks indefinitely. Here in California his Tribe Jant Clan would probably be illegal. "So you are saying that an international mega-corporation is providing a front for jants?" asked Ed. "The jants control the Falcones and this Rippa woman?"

  He chugged down the Anchor Steam that the waitress brought him, wishing that he had ordered something stronger alcohol-wise or stayed in his room on a nice Hawaiian beach. He had been comfortably assuring himself that this jant zombie business and the incident at the aqueduct station were mere aberrations in jant behavior; bizarre and disturbing but local to California. It all had to be some sort of misunderstanding. But now a trusted Jerry agent was telling him that this thing, whatever it was, was nation-wide and even world-wide! After he and Mary finished their vacation they would return to Giants' Rest and get the whole thing straightened out through the local jants there.

  "Not exactly; in essence the jants ARE the Falcones!" explained Mara again. "The most powerful international corporation in the world is jant-owned, corrupted, and controlled."

  "That sounds crazy!" Ed protested. "Why? What do they want?"

  "Earth," said Snake. "Ultimately this planet ain't big enough for the both of us. They are using our own culture and people to infiltrate and control us. Pretty damned clever! Me and Hacker are amateur despots compared to them; but then using their hive minds they are said to be much smarter than any humans."

  "Sounds far-fetched," said Ed. "Say! Didn't Tog mention Scar being with a crazy woman named Rippa back at the outpost?"

  "You're right!" said Snake. "He said something about Scar being in the company of a crazy-ass woman named Rippa: The Wicked Witch of the North! That can't be a coincidence. Kind of figures that there had to be a woman involved somehow in corrupting Scar. I have a theory that behind most evil men there is an evil woman."

  "Actually I suspect that behind most good men there is a good woman," countered Ed, "and behind most bad men there is an inability to relate to good women."

  "Well in this case poor old country boy Scar never had a chance!" said Scar. "Mara says that Rippa is a lawyer that worked her way through law-school as a used car saleswoman. Imagine the concentrated evil! In any case the plot thickens, Ed. You guys want some more brew?" He waved his empty mug in the air and a waitress carrying a pitcher of dark beer quickly appeared to refill it.

  "If this zombie business is true maybe it's better that they control us a bit rather than outright wipe us out," said Ken. "Maybe it's a good trade-off for humans. But then I'm even more inclined to believe that all of this business is empty conspiracy theory BS anyway. What would this be all about if they were doing it?"

  "We don't know what they want, exactly," said Mara. "We are hoping you could somehow help us find out, Ed. Jerry doesn't want to confront them directly himself. Jerry wants you to figure out what's happening jant-wise here in California. From his perspective that's mostly why you're here."

  Ed felt as if he had just been sucker punched in the gut. This explained why Jerry had gone to such great lengths to accommodate Mary's innocent wish to visit California! For Jerry their vacation was a mission to help figure out what was up with the jants! Once again he had been suckered into something much bigger than he ever wanted to be involved in, a situation that put both him and Mary in danger!

  "TELL YOUR BOSS JERRY THAT HE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF!" he tele-pathed to Mara.

  "HE SAID THAT YOU'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT," replied Mara.

  "YES, I'M PRETTY FUCKING PREDICTABLE, AREN'T I?" he replied curtly. He chugged down the rest of his beer, slammed the empty mug down on the table, then got up and walked out of the bar.

  By the time the elevator reached his floor he was steaming mad and his head was spinning with ideas about what to do. There were commercial flights out of San Francisco Airport only a few miles north towards San Francisco. Maybe there was a red-eye flight east that they could catch straight to La Guardia. By this time tomorrow he and Mary could be home at Giants' Rest sleeping snugly in their humble little isolated-from-the-world Jant Clan longhouse cave adorned with comforting Mohawk artifacts and indisputably friendly Stone-Coats and jants.

  Before the heavy winter snows hit he and Mary could visit nearby forests and he could exchange therapeutically simple thoughts with the owls and the local wolf-pack that still lived there. He would wake Mary and they would be out of this hotel and in a taxi before the others even knew what hit them. He didn't yet know how the hell they would get by t
he cops but once they were in Mack they'd have a hell of a time stopping them. Big Stone-Coats could shoot deadly icicles; could Wheels and Mack do that? He'd have to ask them.

  When Ed entered the suite he was surprised to find Mary sitting in the living room lounge chair, cheerfully munching on yogurt. The entertainment system was turned off.

  "I want to be ready when Doll gets back here with our new clothes!" she explained. "I can't wait to get to this fancy reception by the Governor but we need to be strict with these people. Within three days we better be seeing redwood trees and Pacific coastline or we're going to rebel! We can't be dragged into some damn gubernatorial campaign! We'll talk to these guys tonight and tomorrow make rounds for Jerry and that's it! At that point we'll be done with Jerry problems and Snake's problems! Then after no more than a couple of San Francisco days we'll head north to the big trees, just you and me, Mack and Wheels. Maybe we won't even need Snake and Doll, and we certainly won't need Ken or Mara or any of her CHiP goons."

  She was really excited about continuing the vacation; Ed hadn't seen her this happy and excited for months! He immediately dismissed his idea to cut the trip short. He and Mary snuggled in the recliner as they waited for Doll to bring the new clothes. Without the distraction of the entertainment system it was truly quiet and restful in this hotel room and he let his mind wonder. He searched telepathically until he located a falcon loitering a thousand feet above the city skyline, looking for careless plump pigeons below.

  Ed linked his awareness with that of the falcon, until he sensed what the bird sensed, and felt what the bird felt. The view was spectacular; the bird and by extension Ed could see everything for miles in sharp relief. The sky was first scanned by the bird for rivals but there were none nearby. In the distance there were what looked like huge birds that came and went from a point on the ground several miles to the south. Strangely they seemed to line-up in perfect lines as they approached, the landing area, and were in lines when they left it.

  The falcon harbored ill will towards these distant intruders. Ed linked an inquiry to Wheels who responded with information on ultra-lightweight aircraft that were used in much of the Western United States by commuting humans. Of course! No wonder the falcon harbored some ill will towards these intruders to her domain!

  Inhumanly keen falcon eyes could see that there were dozens of plump awkward food birds far below, easy pray for a swift dive and strike with powerful talons and ripping beak that would then devour tasty flesh. But mere survival wasn't enough for the free-flying bird. She found a nearby thermal and soared yet higher, above a thin layer of low clouds and far above the puny works of man, into the rays of the setting sun to feel its warmth through her insolating feathers. Beating her powerful wings she soared higher still, and screamed out to all the world that she was its master!

  But she was also hungry. Her last brood of chicks had grown and flown away to live their own lives, and her mate often fended for himself. So this evening she needed to feed only herself, but she did need to feed. Remembering where she had seen her most likely prey she folded her wings back and dove down towards it, exhilarating in the rush of cool damp air around her as she regained sight of her unsuspecting prey and dropped towards it with deadly talons extended, a swift winged death!

  Ed didn't much like the killing of others being part of life, and it was time for him to get on with his own serious business anyway. He withdrew from the mind of the falcon and searched for jants. As promised by Mara there were none in the hotel but there was a large colony in a neighboring building. Too large for this concrete-dominated neighborhood, Ed realized; Humans had to be feeding them. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" he asked them frankly, in their own language.

  There was the expected pause as the local colony communicated with others and formulated a response. "WE REQUIRE TO LIVE AND FLOURISH EVERYWHERE THAT HUMANS DO," came the answer. "THAT IS A NON-NEGOTIABLE TREATY REQUIREMENT."

  "WHY DO YOU CONTROL SOME OF US?" he asked.

  "TO LIVE AND FLOURISH," they repeated. "TO ACCOMPLISH OUR GOALS ADJUSTMENTS TO HUMAN BEHAVIOR ARE SOMETIMES NECESSARY."

  "BUT WE HAVE BEEN WILLFULLY COOPERATING WITH YOU!" Ed noted.

  "NOT ENTIRELY. MANY HUMANS OPPOSE US HARSHLY. CONTROLLING A FEW KEY HUMANS IS A NECESSITY. IN THE SOUTH