Global Warming Fun 5: It’s a Dry Heat

by Gary J. Davies

  ****

  "Wake up, sleepy head," said Mary, as she shook Ed awake. "I want to see a little of the area before it gets dark. Look at this!"

  She held something in her gloved hand inches from his face. It was twice the size of a finger and yellow. He didn't realize it was alive until it moved its antennae and tried to crawl off Mary's glove!

  With a yell he jerked his face away from it and squirmed himself off the bed, wide eyed and shaking.

  "Thought that would wake you up!" she said, with a mischievous grin. "It's just a harmless banana slug thingy. Doll brought me this one. She said that there's dozens of them across the street leaving trails of slime on the ground. Truman says that we'll see even more of them in the damp mornings. Nifty, right?"

  "Swell," said Ed. "Yeah; that woke me up alright!"

  "Well get yourself together and carry me and my yucky friend downstairs then," said Mary. "Our companions await us."

  Downstairs, Doll awaited them grinning. "You should have seen Snake jump when I showed him the slug, Ed!" The Warrior Princess retrieved the slug from Mary and returned it to its natural habitat along the cliff-slopes near the lighthouse while in the dining room Ed and Mary dug into sandwiches procured for them by Truman from the restaurant around the corner.

  "A century or so before I moved here you folks wouldn't have had to drive half an hour to see redwoods, they were growing right here in Trinidad" mentioned Truman. "Loggers cleared out most of the big trees before the park system was set up. There were trees around here bigger than any we have now; over four hundred feet tall and more massive than the biggest sequoia. One that was 408 feet tall lived right here in Trinidad and was cut down in 1926. It measured out to be forty percent more massive than the General Sherman sequoia. History records that the ass-holes that cut it down to make shingles and picnic tables were quite pleased with themselves."

  "We're trying to regrow some the old-growth forests that were lost," said Mara. "We have to make sure that rising sea-levels don't flood them all out."

  "Ha! Come back in a few thousand years to see how that worked out," said Truman. "First off your tree-hugger project has got to go on for thousands of years, and second, despite all this climate change business the rains have got to keep coming that long. And third nobody knows how long it takes to establish prime old growth forest, but some say it could take many generations of trees and a redwood tree generation is maybe a thousand years. So good luck, Lieutenant Governor, but don't hold your breath. Growing redwoods isn't some damn video game you get done in fifteen minutes."

  "I just want to get through today having seen some nice redwoods," said Mary.

  "Then you folks better get going," said Truman, "while there's still a few left to see."

  "DID YOU NOTICE ANYTHING UNUSUAL HAPPEN EARLIER WHILE I WAS DRINKING WINE IN THE LOUNGE AREA?" Ed asked Wheels.

  "NO," the Stone-Coat responded. "ALTHOUGH YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I WAS PARKED NEAR THE STAIRCASE AND YOU WERE NOT WITHIN EFFECTIVE SIGHT OR LISTENING RANGE. I COULD HEAR VOICES BUT NOT WELL ENOUGH TO DISTINGUISH CONVERSATIONS."

  Perhaps Ed would have talked to Snake or Doll about it, but soon their entourage was on its way. He still felt a little woozy and out of it; he should probably pass up future wine opportunities, he concluded; that stuff was far more potent than he realized.

  They first drove down to the Bay where a surprisingly broad aluminum pier large enough for motor vehicles jutted out over the water. From there they had nice close-up views of the kelp beds and shoreline. There were many seabirds to see, and they even spotted a big starfish clinging to a rock near the water's surface.

  From there they drove to Route 101 and headed further north for about twenty minutes before reaching their next destination: the Thomas H. Kuchel Visitor Center. There Ranger Mark Warren introduced himself as their special Park point of contact as arranged by Mara. From Ranger Mark they got Park information and visitor permissions and badges they would need for the next few days. Ed even got himself a fishing license.

  "But I didn't buy you any fishing equipment!" said Doll.

  "I don't need any," said Ed. "I simply ask fish to leap ashore, that's easier. I am also careful to avoid harming pregnant fish. Don't worry; I have ways to gather food."

  "Sounds good," said Doll. "I keep forgetting that you have some very special skills."

  "And I can whistle too," added Ed.

  "We have time before dark for a quick walk through the Lady Bird Johnson Grove or a drive through the Newton B. Drury Scenic Parkway," said Mara. "Your choice. Ranger Mark is going with us in my limo."

  "We've already driven close by hundreds of nice redwoods, now I want to walk among them," said Mary. "While sitting in Wheels, of course. Lady Bird, here we come!"

  They drove through Orick, which featured some interesting roadside wood-carving shops they didn't have time to stop and explore. Shortly thereafter they spotted their first herd of Roosevelt Elk grazing in fields very near the road. The visitors stopped for a minute to watch the huge creatures placidly eat the tall prairie grass.

  "They aren't spooked by us at all, are they?" noted Snake.

  "If you weighed over half a ton and a carried a rack of big sharp horns on your head you wouldn't be very easily spooked either," pointed out Ed. "They are watching us and on guard but not alarmed. They've seen thousands of gawking humans."

  "Yes, just give them plenty of space," added Mark from the limo, "especially in mating and calving seasons."

  Before long they turned right onto a twisting side-road which very soon passed under a long wooden pedestrian bridge. They immediately parked in the Lady Bird Johnson Grove parking lot surrounded by several wonderfully huge redwood trees. Like most fantastic places in California, there were only a handful of other tourists. "The loop-trail here is relatively short and easy," said Mark, when they had gotten out of their vehicles. "Rains are supposed to start up again in a week or two that will muddy the trail up but right now it is relatively dry and one of the easiest walks in the Park. I can accompany you folks if you wish. It's quite safe, except for the rare bear."

  "Not necessary," said Snake. "Why don't I take point followed by the Rumsfelds, and Doll behind them. Mark, Ken, Mara and her CHiPs can wait here in the parking lot and screen folks coming in."

  "Yes, that sounds good," said Ed. "By the way, there are three bears and a cougar in the vicinity but I don't anticipate any trouble from them. That is, I feel confident that I can calm them down if necessary."

  Ranger Mark stared at Ed as though meeting him for the first time. "You're that Mohawk Chief from back East that can communicate with animals!"

  "I do my best," said Ed.

  "It's an honor to meet you! I hope that you enjoy our Park! Right now you have only an hour or so of good daylight left so you better get going."

  "That's the plan," said Ed. Snake had already crossed the wooden bridge and disappeared on the other side and Wheels was crossing the bridge carrying Mary. Ed dashed to catch up. Soon he, Mary, and Wheels were alone and moving slowly along an easy-to-walk loop-trail surrounded by fantastic redwoods and ferns taller than he was. The redwoods here were much larger than they had been in Muir Woods.

  "This redwood forest is so much more damp and filled with undergrowth than the sequoia forests were!" noted Mary.

  "YES, THERE IS MUCH MORE RAINFALL HERE," said Wheels. "SIXTY TO EIGHTY INCHES ANNUALLY HISTORICALLY, AND FROM HERE NORTH ALL THE WAY INTO ALASKA RAINFALL AMOUNTS FORTUNATELY HAVEN'T CHANGED MUCH DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE."

  "GOOD IDEA TALKING SILENTLY," said Ed. "TOTAL SILENCE IS IDEAL FOR GOING THROUGH WILDLANDS, UNLESS YOU NEED TO WARN BEARS OR OTHERS OF YOUR COMING. OF COURSE IN MY CASE I CAN DETECT AND WARN BEARS SILENTLY. THOSE FOLKS THAT NOISILY ROMP THROUGH WILD AREAS ON NOISY AND DESTRUCTIVE ATVS ARE LOCO LOUTS."

  "THIS FOREST IS WONDERFUL ED!" said Mary. "TOO BAD WE NEED TO RUSH THROUGH IT TONIGHT."

  "I'VE LOCATED A FRIENDLY HAWK THAT COULD GIVE US A NICE BIRDS-EYE V
IEW OF THIS FOREST, BUT WE DO NEED TO KEEP MOVING TO FINISH OUR WALK BEFORE DARK," said Ed.

  "YOU CAN CLOSE YOUR EYES TO FOCUS ON THE BIRD CREATURE IF YOU WISH," said Wheels. "SIMPLY MAINTAIN YOUR GRASP OF MY HANDLES AND I WILL LEAD YOU ALONG THE PATH."

  Indeed Ed found that he could close his eyes and focus on the hawk while Wheels led him slowly along the trail. Soon he and Mary were experiencing a hawk-eye view of flight through a redwood forest! They walked on and on, though they were flying through and sometimes above the forest.

  "My birds-eye view disappeared," said Mary suddenly.

  "The radios are being jammed," announced Wheels, "and unidentified flying machines are detected."

  Ed released the hawk. "What? Is that drones that I hear?"

  Not far ahead of them in the direction of Snake the drone-humming rapid gunfire erupted.

  "Snake!" said Mary. "Drones are attacking Snake!"

  "I'm being attacked by drones," confirmed Snake's broken voice over the radio, barely understandable through noisy interference.

  There was another spirt of rapid fire, followed by two much louder gunshots. The sharp sounds were disturbingly alien in this otherwise quiet and peaceful forest setting.

  "That's Snake's big handgun firing back!" said Ed.

  "I've scanned the area but detect no drones except the ones near Snake," said Wheels. More sounds of gunfire came from the vicinity of Snake.

  "Do something, Ed!" pleaded Mary.

  "If I were closer to the drones I could jam them," said Wheels. "Perhaps you could rush ahead to Snake while carrying my portable extension, Ed."

  "I can do better than that," said Ed. He held up the flashlight-sized Wheels extension as the big hawk he was in contact with swooped down to snatch it up. In mere seconds the swift bird was approaching the scene of the gunfire as Ed watched through the bird's eyes.

  A half-dozen man-sized drones hovered over a stretch of path just ahead where the hawk was headed. Below them was a patch of tall ferns where Snake must have evidently hidden himself. Two gun-shot drones lay smoking on the ground nearby. Abruptly the guns of the remaining drones erupted, sending hundreds of deadly small-caliber rounds into the ferns, which disintegrated within seconds in the hail of lead.

  Mere seconds later the interference produced by the Stone-Coat element carried by the hawk took effect, and the sputtering guns and humming engines of the drones were silenced. Ed was pleased to witness through hawk eyes the drones plunge harmlessly to the ground, but feared that it happened too late to save Snake.

  Ed and Mary were both surprised and very relieved to see Snake emerge from behind a big nearby redwood tree apparently unharmed.

  "That was a close one!" the Confederacy leader said. He walked calmly to the bullet-shredded clump of ferns, picked something up off the ground, and held it out for the hawk/Ed and Mary to see. It was one of the CHiP visicom units that the visitors had been issued, shot up almost beyond recognition. "Their attack was so precise despite my evasive maneuvers that I surmised that they must have been homing in on my radio signal. I hit the red panic button and tossed my visicom into the ferns. Looks like I was right. I assume the piece of Wheels carried by your hawk friend jammed the drones."

  Snake held out his open hand and Ed had the hawk give the Wheels extension to him. "That was a smart move to have the hawk fly here with Wheels. In a few more seconds human or automated drone handlers miles away would have realized their mistake and homed in on me by real using other sensors. I shot down two of them but I was still badly outgunned."

  Snake walked to each downed drone and with a big boot-clad foot bashed them enough to ensure that none of them would fly again anytime soon. Doll pushing Wheels and Mary soon arrived, followed minutes later by Mara, Ken, Ranger Mark, Fred Custer, and several additional CHiPs.

  "Crap!" said Custer, as he examined one of the downed drones. "This is an armed CHiP unit! These things have only been authorized for use to counter terrorist attacks and in the battle for LA! Usually such units do surveillance or at most carry smoke or pepper spray and so-forth for crowd control. But these units carry deadly little five-millimeter rapid-fire guns for military level deadliness, not for normal CHiP law enforcement."

  "Yes we're well acquainted with this model," said Doll.

  "What the hell are they doing here?" asked Ken.

  "And what the hell were they doing attacking Snake?" asked Doll.

  "There will be a full investigation," said Mara.

  "Damn straight there will!" echoed Custer.

  "I have recorded associated radio control signals," said Wheels. "That may prove useful to the investigation."

  "I feel safer already," said Ed. "But I think we should get back to our Trinidad B&B. That's enough excitement for one day.

  "More than enough," agreed Mary.

  The trip back to the B&B was blissfully uneventful, but after getting Mary settled in for the night Ed contacted the local jants.

  "WE INFLUENCE HUMAN ACTIONS BUT DO NOT FULLY CONTROL EVEN THE INDIVIDUALS YOU CALL ZOMBIES," the jants claimed, after establishing communications with other jant hives. "WE BECAME AWARE OF THE ATTACK AS IT UNFOLDED BUT DID NOT EXECUTE IT."

  "WHO DID IT THEN?" Ed asked.

  "WE WILL NOT SAY," the jants responded after a pause.

  "AND YOU DID NOTHING TO STOP THE ATTACK FROM HAPPENING?" Ed had to ask.

  "TO DO SO WOULD BE TO INTERFERE IN HUMAN AFFAIRS TO A DEGREE THAT WE HAVE AGREED WITH YOU NOT TO DO."

  "TOUCHÉ," responded Ed, as he ended the conversation in frustration.

  Then he met with the others in the lounge to discuss the situation.

  "What the jants said hints that Scar is behind the attack," said Snake, after Ed relayed the jant statements to the group, "but I don't believe it. Scar would love to kill me, but only by his own hand. Anonymous drones aren't his style. He actually wouldn't like it if drones killed me. He wants to gut me himself with his knife, up close and personal."

  "I agree," said Doll.

  "On the other hand Scar may be too irrational to be predictable," said Ken. "I think that having a huge tick buried in my back would drive me crazy."

  "But how would he get control of CHiP drones?" asked Ed. "If it's not the jants pulling the strings then someone else with a lot of influence has got to be involved."

  "Or the jants are lying and they are indeed pulling the strings," said Doll.

  "OK, great then, so we all agree that we don't know what the hell is going on," said Snake. "We might as well quit our useless yammering and get some sleep."

  "Swell," said Ed.

  ****