by T. A. White
Sometimes you didn't know what you had until you lost it. Sometimes you knew, but you managed to fuck it up anyway.
He had a point. She had made him promises. Herself too.
Like it or not, they were both defined by what had happened to them as children. It was a weight they dragged behind them no matter where they went or what they did to escape it. They had forced themselves to rise above it but still carried the scars.
Kira's were too many to enumerate; Jin's fewer but more complicated.
He feared abandonment, of facing this world alone, a monster no one could ever truly understand.
Those first few years had been difficult, and Kira thought she'd lose him again. She'd vowed to find him a way back to a body—barring that, she would never leave his side.
"If I may, there might be an easy solution," Silas said when the silence lengthened.
Kira cut an angry glance at him.
"Come to Ta Sa’Riel. See who we are. Learn about us," Silas offered.
"And once I'm there, I'll likely never leave," Kira pointed out.
"We’re not interested in caging you," Silas said. "All we want is to see you thrive. If you truly cannot find a place there, you will be free to go. We only ask that you wait until your ki has been healed, and we’ve been assured you can protect yourself. Passing the sequence of trials leading to the adva ka would go a long way to doing that. Until then, you will be a treasured guest of our House."
Kira studied him. He seemed sincere, but she also didn't know him well enough to know if he was faking.
"We hope, of course, you will come to find your place among us and won't wish to leave," he said with a gentle smile.
Not likely. Kira had a place once. It was gone. She didn't plan to chance the pain of having a home ripped from her again.
Graydon's sober expression caught her attention. "Silas is honorable. If he says you can walk away at any time, he means it."
For all that they were on opposing sides, Kira found herself trusting Graydon. He hadn't given her a reason to do otherwise.
"All right, I'll do it. I'll come with you," Kira said.
There was a slight whirring noise as Jin started for the door.
"Where are you going?" Kira asked.
"Away. I don't want to see your face right now."
The door shut behind him, leaving Kira staring at the place where he'd disappeared.
"Ouch. I didn't know Tin Man could get that angry with you," Raider murmured.
Kira didn't answer. She couldn't. He'd left her. Even after she'd given in. This was a nightmare from which there was no escape.
"Is now really the time for this?" Jace asked.
Raider smiled. "There's no better time."
Her nostrils flared as she inhaled deeply, trying to compose herself, all too aware the Tuann were still watching.
Concentration was difficult with the incredible pressure in her chest. It was filling her up, making it hard to think or breathe.
He was gone. Jin had left her. She was alone, her secrets exposed. Vulnerable. Weak.
Kira’s eyes locked on Shandry, idly noting the other woman's casual posture, the slightly smug look on her face as if she'd won a point on an invisible scoreboard.
Shandry noticed her looking at her and her smile widened. Gloating as she basked in her victory.
She'd done this. Upended Kira's life, exposed one of her most closely guarded secrets, and driven a wedge between Kira and her oldest friend.
Now Shandry was happy.
Kira's body moved without conscious thought. She was out of the chair, halfway across the table before anyone could blink.
The room erupted, oshota springing forward. To Kira, their shouts sounded like nothing more than angry buzzing as she lost herself to the red haze in her head.
She'd lost control, she realized distantly. Even knowing what could happen from such a breach, she couldn't bring herself to care, intent on destroying the person who had hurt her.
Hard arms wrapped around her lower body, slamming her into the table. A second set pinned her upper half to the table. Raider and Jace hauled her toward them, shoving her into her seat.
Raider's arm ended up wrapped around her neck, nearly cutting off her oxygen. Jace was at her front, forcing her to stay in her chair.
Kira lurched forward before she gathered herself, letting them keep her there as she panted. Rage, the likes of which she'd lost herself to only a few times in her life, coursed through her.
Staying seated was hard. All she wanted to do was eliminate the threat, the thing that had already hurt her.
Instincts warred with control. She wasn't proud to admit control was losing.
"It's been a while since she's done this," Raider grunted, not daring to move even when she remained still.
"Let's keep it that way, shall we?" Jace didn't let up as she quivered from the urge to attack, somehow retaining enough of herself not to hurt her friends. "I'd forgotten how damn terrifying she is."
"No shit," Raider snapped.
Finn appeared next to them. Not touching, his physical presence was threat enough.
Kira forced herself not to move, not to struggle. As much as she hated what Shandry had done, what she had revealed without Kira's permission, it wasn't the healer's fault Jin had left. It was Kira's. She'd been the one who'd chosen to hide the extent of the damage her power caused her. She'd been the one to decide against upsetting him with the inevitable.
She had no one to blame for his current abandonment but herself.
After one final breath, Kira reached up and tapped Raider on the forearm. "You can let me go. I won't attack her."
Raider's grip didn't loosen. "Are you sure? I don't think they'll give us ships or people to fly them if you kill one of their people."
"Let me go, asshole."
Raider chuckled, his arm loosening as he stepped back. "Just like old times, Phoenix."
Kira mumbled to herself as she fiddled with her sleeves, straightening them before twitching them into place. Only when she had finished did she look up, her face expressionless.
Everyone in the room stared at her with varying expressions of disbelief.
She stared blandly back. Hadn't they ever seen a grown woman lose her shit before?
Liara was shocked, her oshota reflecting their Overlord's dismay. Graydon and his warriors were poised to interfere if the humans couldn't keep her contained.
Silas seemed thoughtful as he watched her regain her composure.
"You'll have to forgive Kira," Jace said smoothly into the silence. "In our culture, a doctor revealing such personal information as yours just did to such a public forum is considered a grave breach of privacy and trust. For someone with her issues, it acted like a trigger."
"It is similar for us as well," Graydon said, shooting Shandry a hard look. "Such things are not to be done lightly and should have been handled with caution and respect. Something Luatha's healer seems to have forgotten."
Shandry flushed slightly at the rebuke, her gaze shifting.
The exchange allowed Kira to regain the last of her composure. She settled in her chair and fixed Graydon and Silas with a cool stare. "Can you really fix what's wrong with me?"
For so long, Kira had lived with the knowledge that using her powers was slowly killing her. She was afraid to let herself hope.
What she'd told Jace had been true. The life of a Cur was dangerous. You risked death anytime you left for battle on a hoverboard.
In that situation, it had been easy to ignore how her body was slowly killing her. She'd done what she needed to do like any good soldier, never really expecting to survive the war.
When she lived, and so many others didn't, she'd had to find a new way forward. It had lengthened her life expectancy, but she knew it was only a matter of time. She could feel the broken bits bleeding her out slowly.
"We can," Graydon promised.
Kira closed her eyes. It was harder than she thought to
let them try. Death had been a familiar stalker since she could remember.
So why was she hesitant to take their help now?
"Take the hand they're offering you, Kira," Jace urged.
There was no choice, she realized. Even if Jin hadn't thrown his ultimatum, she would have had to take this road. She was stubborn, not stupid. No matter how much she wanted to knock Graydon and the rest of the arrogant Tuann down a peg or two, she wouldn't kill herself to do it.
"How are you going to fix me?" she asked.
Silas and Quillon exchanged a look. This time Quillon was the one to answer her. "Our species rarely spend extended time away from our planets. The Mea'Ave provides something vital so we can live. Those who have not had contact with it weaken. If enough time goes by, they eventually die."
"With enough time, the planet will heal me," Kira guessed.
"That is an oversimplification. A healer will need to guide the process, but yes. We are familiar with this ailment. It is something we can fix," Quillon said.
Easily, it sounded like.
"Looks like this round goes to you," Kira told Graydon. "Don't think you’ll always get your way."
Graydon watched her for several seconds. Kira could see the thoughts moving behind his eyes, the plots, the schemes. Graydon wasn't the sort to let life happen around him. He prodded and guided until he got the outcome he wanted.
She didn't know why he'd fixated on her, but she had no doubt he would try to figure out a way to make her stay. She looked forward to the battle.
"Good enough. There will be time later to change your mind," he promised.
She snorted. "Not likely, but you're welcome to try."
His smile was wicked as it curved his lips. "I look forward to it."
Shandry sat forward. "I have a healing regimen that should help things along."
Kira's glance was cutting. "You're not touching me."
Shandry's mouth dropped open, shocked disbelief on her face. "You can't mean that."
"I do exactly mean that. I don't trust you. It'll be a cold day in hell before I let you close to me." The tone of Kira's voice made the depth of her resolve unmistakable.
Quillon's nod was sharp, his expression understanding. "This is acceptable. House Roake has many skilled healers, including myself."
The tight ball in Kira's stomach loosened. Her history with doctors and the like was a complicated one. They were a necessary evil in her mind. She needed them; her life had been too dangerous not to. But they reminded her of a childhood spent being poked and prodded, experimented on like a common lab rat.
"Fine," Kira finally said, sweeping her gaze over the room. This wasn't what she would have chosen, but it was a path forward. Sometimes that was all you could ask for.
Adapting was one of the first tenets of warfare. She'd gotten good at that. The Tuann were about to learn how good.
THREE
A day later Kira stood in front of an archway that stretched three stories high, symbols and runes carved along its sides. Different metals were etched into the design, creating a complex pattern that wove between the symbols. Like most of the Citadel of Light, the structure was breathtaking. Awe-inspiring even. Impossibly delicate while at the same time speaking of strength and an endurance that would outlast even the fall of empires.
Humanity had many marvels in its history. All those achievements paled in the face of this.
A gate, designed to take you from world to world without ever setting off into space. An impossible dream that turned out to be all too real.
The physics of it was mind-boggling in the extreme. Kira didn't pretend to understand, but she didn't need to. All she needed to do was walk through when the time came. That, and pray she survived the experience.
Graydon and Silas had decided it was their best option for reaching Ta Sa’Riel. Traveling by ship was too dangerous after the incursion by the Tsavitee. Both Graydon and Silas's vessels were diplomatic ships, not equipped for war. They had their fangs, sure, but they wouldn't last long against anything over elite class.
"We have to travel through that?" Raider didn't bother to hide his skepticism as he set his duffel bag next to Kira’s and peered up at the giant structure. He shifted a second bag to his other hand.
"Doesn't really inspire confidence, does it?" he told her.
She frowned at him. "What are you doing here?"
Blue darted forward before he could answer, a small sound of wonder escaping her. "These runes aren't like any of the others I've seen in the Citadel. How does it work?"
Blue was short and wiry, her coloring pointing to an Asian descent. She'd been an orphan when Kira had found her and was now a Cur along with Raider. Her real name was Yuki, but everyone knew her as Blue.
The tips of her hair were the color of her namesake; a color Blue had used in one way or another since the day they'd met. Her bone structure made her appear delicate, and more than one person had mistaken her as weak.
Blue was always quick to teach them the error of their assumptions. She was a scrapper, and she didn't always fight fair. Actually, she almost never fought fair. That was one of the perks of being scary smart.
An ever-present curiosity lit her expression. Kira could practically see the gears turning as she schemed how to take the gate apart to pry its secrets from the scattered pieces.
Blue drifted toward the gate, almost as if she couldn't help herself.
"No touching, Blue. You know the rules," Jace ordered. "We can't afford to upset our hosts."
The look Blue shot him said she wasn't dumb. Kira hid her grin, knowing that was exactly what she'd been considering. Blue was nothing if not predictable in this. She had a bad habit of disassembling the things that interested her so she could find out how they worked. It had often led her into trouble in the past.
"The pathway to other worlds is one of the most heavily guarded secrets of the Tuann. You should count yourselves lucky to experience it," Liara said.
Kira could see why. Something like this would offer its owner a strategic advantage.
Liara moved toward them, dressed much the same as she'd been the first time Kira had seen her. The synth armor polished to a deep green that reminded Kira of the forest, a cape trailing behind her. It was far too long to be considered anything but a liability during a fight.
Liara's eyes were fierce and guarded as she studied the four of them. She was still pale but no longer looked as if she could be knocked over with a gentle push.
Kira frowned at Raider and Jace again, not having forgotten her question.
Raider jerked his head at Jace. "He managed to convince them of the necessity of joint training operations."
Kira considered Jace. Now, how had he managed that? The Tuann didn't exactly consider humans trustworthy—or even overly useful.
Jace lifted a shoulder. "It wasn't hard. The attack proved the Tsavitee aren't interested in only humans. They’ve made themselves everyone’s problem. It'll be a lot easier to deal with them if we work together. Familiarizing ourselves with the Tuann’s society and military capabilities can only help both of us in the long run."
Maybe so, but Kira doubted the Tuann would have accepted that argument so easily. They were nothing if not reclusive, and they didn't like others playing in their sandbox.
"And they're sending you?" Kira didn't bother hiding her skepticism. Raider had never been known for his diplomacy. From what she had seen, time hadn't changed that much.
"They have a version of our waveboards," Raider said. "I'm the best pilot we have, so it made sense."
"Second best," Kira corrected.
"Seven years is a long time. I've improved a lot since the old days." Raider's grin was sly. "And we both know you're not up to your old standards."
Kira glared. “On my worst day, I could still kick your ass on a board."
"Promises, promises."
Jace was well accustomed to their arguing and waited with only the slightest hint of impatience for th
em to stop before continuing. "Blue and Raider will accompany you to Ta Sa’Riel and participate in joint training. I expect all of you to represent the human race with dignity and poise." He leveled a no-nonsense stare on them, waiting for their grudging agreement before relenting. "Maverick, Tank, and I will escort the ships back to a station of Centcom's choosing."
Kira whistled. "I don't know which of us has the worst task."
Cooped up on a ship with Tuann who didn't like you and saw you as a burden. The end destination a nest of vipers and bureaucracy. She didn't envy him his mission.
"Him, definitely," Raider said.
Jace's expression was pained.
"One of the many perks of not being a rear admiral," Kira teased.
"You'll be among the first humans to ever travel this path," Liara told Raider.
"Lucky me," Raider muttered.
Jace sent him a quelling look. Raider's mouth pulled down on one side even as he straightened and made a half-assed effort to mask his dour expression. Kira should have felt sympathy for him, but found herself amused instead. He never did do well when strange things happened. Raider liked order and the universe obeying the laws he knew.
It made her wonder why he had chosen to accompany her. Jace could easily have sent either Tank or Maverick. Probably should have given the history between Raider and her.
That Raider was here meant he wanted to be here. And that she didn't understand.
"What can you tell me about House Roake?" Kira asked Liara.
If this was really to be her future, it paid to know all she could. Kira was nothing if not a realist. Her goals relied on her being fighting fit. She'd never intended her mission to be a one-way ticket, but she'd accepted that might be the cost. With Roake's help, she could hedge her bets.
She was a person of action. Patience had never come easy. Ever since Rothchild she'd had to take a masterclass in the attribute. Roake's demands were another bump on the way. A delay in a long line of them. A detour—but a necessary one.
Liara hesitated, her gaze going to Silas and Quillon. Warriors, unless Kira's instincts were wrong.