by Skye, Harper
Ailsa felt the playful smile flicker at the edges of her mouth as she met his kiss with equal passion. She pulled the zipper further down so that she could move her hand freely. “Fuck, Ailsa…” Zach’s breath caught in his throat, and he groped at her waistline until he had found his way down into her skirt and leggings. His thick forefinger moved against the warm wetness he had made between her legs, and he began to pull the breath from her to match the pace of his own.
The world disappeared as their fingers moved, Ailsa drawing her hand up and down his shaft, trying to focus as Zach’s hands brought her closer and closer to the oblivion of her own orgasm. They stood among the wilds of the land, exposed to the winds and the mountains. No one around for miles as the dance between them grew wild and desperate.
Zach’s fingers moved slowly and Ailsa cried out when he reached her clit with just the right amount of pressure. Again he ran his fingers along the silken heat of her cunt. Ailsa could hear herself begin to come apart, her voice gasping high, falling into that place that was piercing blinding ecstasy no breath could reach. She felt Zach shudder against her hand, but he did not let go of her as she almost collapsed against him.
And then the world slowly returned around them, and Ailsa could feel wind caressing the front of her belly, the back of her waist. Her eyes opened to the view of the land, and she rested her head against Zach chest, listening as his heartbeat gradually slowed, absorbed in the warmth of him and the beautiful colors of the landscape.
“Want to go back?” Zach asked at last, leaning away from her and buttoning his jeans.
Ailsa nodded, straightening her shirt over her waist.
“What is it?”
Ailsa frowned, her blue eyes flashing off to the distant mountains. How could he always tell?
“Ailsa…”
“What are we going to do?” Ailsa asked, turning back to him.
“Today?” Zach grinned. “Well, first I was going to make you pancakes with the blueberries you stole…”
“I mean in general,” Ailsa interrupted. “I’m serious, Zach. What are we going to do about us?”
Immediately Zach’s face grew serious, his eyebrows furrowing over his warm brown eyes. “We’ll figure out something.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Ailsa shook her head. She reached down to pick up her white bucket. Blueberries rolled around at the bottom of the massive container. “I’m going to have to go back eventually…I’m not American. They’re not just going to let me stay here!”
“Hey…” Zach brought his broad chest in front of her like a road block, forcing her to stop stamping through the bushes. “I know it’s not the most straightforward situation, but we’ll figure it out.” He put a warm hand on her shoulder, searching her eyes until he caught her gaze.
“It’s just…” She could feel the words burning in her belly, but her throat felt locked as if the fear wouldn’t let them out. “I can’t…” I can’t lose you. You make things okay. For the first time in so long it hurts. You make me feel okay. I can’t lose you. The words she couldn’t say squeezed at the knot in her throat.
“Hey…” his gaze held her blue eyes with a gentleness that make Ailsa’s stomach turn. “It will be okay. Trust me.”
Ailsa tried to nod. She could feel the emotion of uncertainty rising up inside her like a tide, and she began to walk again, hoping that would keep the tears from coming. Zach matched her stride, and she let him take her hand as they made their way back towards the house.
“Let’s just enjoy our time here. We’ll drive back into Nome and look around town today. Have some coffee. And then we’ll buy some food, and I’ll take you for a picnic dinner on the beach.”
He squeezed her hand comfortingly, and Ailsa couldn’t help but allow the smile to move back across her face. It was hard to feel upset when Zach was around. He always knew the right thing to say to cheer her up. Maybe she should trust him about the future too, Ailsa thought. Maybe she was worrying too much. Maybe they really could find a way to make it work.
Chapter 32
After a late breakfast, Zach and Ailsa drove back into Nome. The colorful wooden buildings sat in rows facing the sea like wizened warriors that had seen many winter battles. Moving from the immense space of the wild land, once they were in town the sky was no longer open but crisscrossed with electric wires. Ailsa looked out the window as they passed the proud white church, it’s steeple reaching tall into the winds, and the metal statues commemorating the miners who had come to Nome in search of gold.
Zach parked the truck on a side street and strode around to open Ailsa’s door. She still had a hard time getting used to him doing this. These little gestures of care touched her deeply, and yet they were sometimes the hardest to accept. Ailsa threaded her slender fingers through his thick muscular ones, and they headed towards Front Street.
“Now…” Zach paused looking up and down the street. “Let’s go find this museum everyone keeps talking about. We’re tourists you know! Let’s go have some fun.”
They spent the afternoon wandering around Nome. The museum was full of amazing art, artefacts, information on Inuit culture and histories of the gold rush. They wandered up and down Front Street, poking their heads into tiny shops and stopping at the Polar Cub Cafe for some coffee. Ailsa loved being in new places. She wrapped both hands around her coffee cup and gazed out the window, her mind wandering over the buildings and out to the Bering Sea, wondering what they must look like covered in snow and ice, and what it must be like to live in this isolated town on the edge of the arctic circle.
“What was your favorite part of the museum?” Zach asked, sliding into the chair across from her.
“I don’t know about favorite, but the craziest was definitely the buffalo!” Ailsa laughed. “Definitely! What about you?”
“I liked the look of those fur parkas! And the wooden sled,” he added. “Put those two together and you could have a real adventure!”
“This place must look incredible in the winter.” Ailsa gazed out towards the ocean, trying to imagine it still and frozen white.
“The Iditarod ends here every March,” Zach nodded. “That’s the biggest dog sled race in Alaska. I’ve seen pictures as the mushers come in. Everything is white, even the sea. Must be amazing to see in person!”
There was something here. Something in the air and in the land of this wild place. Humans and animals and the forces of nature still lived in delicate and sometimes treacherous balance with each other, and Ailsa couldn’t help but think about the people who had lived here the longest — the Aleut, Inupiaq, Yup’ik, Tlingit, Haida, Tanana and so many more — the first peoples of Alaska, and how deeply they must feel this connection between the natural world and the human spirit.
Ailsa could feel the dream of the bear pulling at the edges of her mind. She missed that feeling. The intimate connection with the land. She had felt it once herself in the land of her birth. Maybe if she could reconnect with that again, she could figure out this dream. And then her own sense of belonging to the wild world might finally return to her.
Zach glanced over at her as if reading her thoughts. “Just try to trust, Ailsa. If you keep looking and you keep your mind open, you’ll find what you need to know. Maybe not today. Maybe not this week. But eventually something will shift and things will become clear.”
Ailsa squinted her eyes against the glaring sun and shifted her attention from Zach’s brown eyes back out across the vast expanse of ocean. “I hope so. I’ve read so much already about what a bear is supposed to mean. But it all seems so vague. Hibernation associates bear with dreams and with introspection. Re-emergence in the spring associates them with rebirth. But what does any of that mean for me? What is this bear trying to tell me?”
“I don’t know, babe. All I know is that life sometimes requires more patience than we really want to give.” Ailsa could hear something in his voice, as if he were really referring to something else, although she couldn’t imagine w
hat he might mean.
They stopped at the grocery store later that afternoon to pick up supplies for dinner and then jumped into the truck and headed down the coast until Zach found a place to pull over next to the beach. It was completely empty. Zach turned the engine off, and they sat for a minute sheltered from the wind and gazing out over the vast Bering Sea.
Ailsa felt Zach’s wide hand stretch across her thigh. When she looked back at him, he wasn’t looking at the ocean. His eyes rested on her instead. Ailsa felt herself shift self-consciously under his gaze. She pulled her hair out of its loose knot and shook the length of it. All the while she could feel Zach’s fingers pressing gently into her inner thigh.
“I had a really nice time with you today.”
“Me too.”
“Come over here…” He reached out his arm to make space for her, and Ailsa unbuckled her seatbelt and shifted until she was leaning back into his warm chest. He rested his face against the side of her head, smoothing her hair with his hand. Then he sighed and Ailsa felt something melt inside of her at the sound of it.
“This is nice,” she whispered.
“Yeah.”
She could feel his breath across the crown of her head. It caressed the side of her cheek as he shifted against her.
They were quiet for awhile, looking out at the vast scenery while their fingers skimmed over each other’s skin. Bare forearms. Necks. Faces. Ailsa could feel the energy tingling through her as Zach ran his fingers over her temple and into her hair. She was expecting him to continue. She was hoping he would continue. But instead he shifted and brought her slightly away from him. “You ready for dinner? I brought wood from the cabin so we could have a fire on the beach.”
They piled large stones into a circle to give the fire a bit of protection from the wind, and then Zach knelt placing kindling, wood, coaxing a tiny flame to life. Between the dancing flames of the fire and the soft rushing sound of the ocean, Ailsa couldn’t imagine anything more perfect. She looked over at Zach. He sat with his knees bent up and his broad back curving into them. His brown eyes rested on the wide expanse of sea, and he rubbed his hands together methodically so that Ailsa could tell he was lost in thought.
Just looking at him, Ailsa felt her heart fill her chest. Maybe this really was enough, she thought. Maybe this was really all she needed. Time and love to heal her. Just like Leah had said — someone to help her hold her pain just by the way they loved you.
All through dinner, Zach was quiet. An easy expression rested on his face, and he still smiled every time he looked over at her to fill her small cup with wine or pass her the bread and cheese. But Ailsa could tell something was on his mind.
“Let’s go for a walk,” she suggested at last, draining the last sip of wine from her paper cup and sinking her feet into the sand. She held out a hand to Zach where he sat, and he flashed her a smile and let her pull him to his feet. They threw sand on the fire and packed up the food in the truck. Then they set off down the lonely beach with the sea to their right and the wide sky still bright above them.
Ailsa walked to match Zach’s pace, listening to the murmuring of the waves and the quiet rhythm of Zach’s breath. Finally she gave his hand a squeeze. “Out with it.”
Zach shot her a look from the corner of his eye and smiled softly at her. Something about the look of his face told her he was uncertain whether to share his thoughts. Or perhaps scared of where they might lead.
“What is it?” Ailsa asked again more gently this time. She let go of his hand and reached her arm around his waist.
“I’ve just been thinking…” He began and then his voice fell away again and the sound of the quiet sea moved into its place. She waited until he looked back at her, and there was a vulnerability in his brown eyes.
“I was wondering…if there were no obstacles in your path. If there was a situation where visas weren’t a problem and you could stay here in Alaska…would you?”
He said Alaska. But Ailsa knew he meant stay with him.
It was hard to love him more than she did in these moments when he stood a lone man beneath earth and sky looking as strong as a warrior in body but showing her the piece of himself that could break apart.
“Zach…” she whispered his name as she eased away from his side to look into his face.
He was looking away from her now, out towards the ocean, as if he didn’t want her to see his face when she gave her answer.
“It would mean giving up so much, Ailsa. Your home, your friends. This is literally half a world away. I could understand how that would be too much…” He was fighting to keep his voice steady.
Ailsa thought about this question. What if she could just stay? Would she? Would she give up her life in Scotland? Would she be able to live here in Alaska through the long cold winters? Would she be able to make Zach’s cabin her home?
It hurt her to think about leaving Scotland. A part of her wanted to cry as she thought about it. But she knew the answer to this question.
“I think so…” she said quietly to him.
He looked over at her then, and whether from the blowing wind or the surge of emotion, Ailsa could see his brown eyes were moist.
“Are you sure?” He asked seriously.
She reached out and pulled at his hand for him to stop walking. Standing barefoot on the sand, Ailsa dug her toes into the earth and took a deep breath. “It would be hard to leave Scotland,” she nodded. “It’s home. But…it’s difficult to explain sometimes what the accident did to me. It’s as if part of me has been dead inside. I’ve had some pretty bad years in Scotland, so I know it’s not the place that makes a person happy.”
She felt Zach reach a hand up to caress the side of her face. Her blue eyes looked up into his brown ones trying to say the things she felt that had no words.
“I need you to know that you’re it for me, Ailsa.” Zach’s voice was rough with emotion. “Leah was right. Whatever she said to you that night at dinner about me. Over the last few years, a lot of the magic of this place has been lost to me. There’s been a loneliness to my life I didn’t used to feel when I first moved out here.”
He always seemed so strong. He always seemed like the earth, solid and unbreakable. But Ailsa could see as he stood before her now that he was just like her. A mixture of strength and weakness, confidence and vulnerability, embracing his solitude and tired of feeling so alone. She ran her hand up his arm, her fingers curling around his biceps as he gazed back at her, tucking back the strands of hair that blew across her face.
“I tried,” he continued. “The last few years I’ve tried to date different women. I was with someone for almost a year. But I didn’t love her. And,” he swallowed and she watched his Adam’s apple move against his throat. “I guess I started thinking there was something wrong with me. I thought maybe I was one of those people who isn’t going to find it. I started thinking there were people like Seb and Leah. And then people like me.”
Ailsa heard Zach take a deep breath, and it slightly shuddered in his chest. She felt the icy cold brush of the waves climbing up the beach and brushing against their feet as they stood near the shoreline. And she felt herself rise up through her feet, through her legs, to the crown of her head. Standing steady in herself as she held Zach’s hands while he wavered.
“And then I saw you,” he whispered through the salty wind, smiling despite the emotion in his face. “I went to the lake house down south with Seb expecting to spend a few days out on the lake, drinking beer, enjoying a few days off. And then I got out of the truck, and I saw this beautiful woman run and launch herself into that cold lake while everyone else seemed to be too damn scared to get in. And I thought, there’s a woman with adventure in her soul.”
The smile was creeping across his face now, into the corners of his brown eyes, into the edges of his mouth, as he sank into this memory. “When you walked into the cabin at the lake house, with your blue eyes like the open sky and your hair like a waterfall and your sk
in so soft and pale with cold, it felt like I was knocked backwards. There was something about you, I couldn’t understand it. And then when you played your fiddle that night by the fire, and I could tell that was your way of speaking. And somehow I could understand what you were saying. Things that had no words but went straight into the very soul of a person.”
“I could see then there was that quiet wildness in you that shies away from people. I knew I didn’t have a chance, but I couldn’t stay away from you. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. And when I finally worked up the courage to kiss you and you kissed me back, I’ve never felt anything like it. It was like, I finally felt what I’d been missing.”
It was all pouring out of him now, and Ailsa held his hands securely in hers, listening to him tell her everything that was weighing on his heart. He was telling her things he had never spoken of to anyone, and Ailsa could feel him reaching out to her with his own vulnerability. Neither wild nor wood nor mountain could defeat this man. But she knew what he was telling her. There was something much closer to home that could break him.
“Ailsa, it was fucking hell for me after you got on that airplane and I knew I’d lost you. I’ve always liked living up here in the quiet among the trees and mountains. But this winter I felt really alone. There was a loneliness eating me alive, and I knew there was nothing I could do but learn to bear it. So I tried to do what the wild things do when it’s winter. I tried to put that part of me to sleep. So when I saw you standing in the doorway of the bar, I was sure I was hallucinating. I couldn’t believe you had found me. Somehow in all this vast land, you had tracked me down. It was like the universe was giving me another chance with you,” he paused.
She waited for more, but although he opened his mouth again, no more words came out. She saw him teetering on the brink of this cliff he had stepped up to, and she wanted nothing more in that moment than to take his hand and jump with him together into this beautiful unknown. She felt his hand reach up to her face, and she realized he was wiping tears away from her eyes. He had told her his story, but her own story wasn’t so different. Loneliness. A loss of hope. Over the months and years these two things could break a person. And they both knew it because they had both felt it.