by Skye, Harper
And then one day, in the blink of an eye, everything had changed. Now she wasn’t the same. Maybe that book’s description was right — a part of her spirit had left her and had gotten stuck somewhere else and without it she had become broken and empty inside.
For some reason, Ailsa found she had raised her hand off the bed and her index finger dropped towards her chest. “In here.”
Bear brings a message that our answers lie inside ourselves. She remembered sitting in Zach’s cabin reading. Some call this intuition. Others call this deep knowing.
Ailsa thought about everything she had read about the bear. She thought about the feeling she had standing among the tall spruce trees behind Zach’s cabin. She thought about the feeling of spaciousness that spread out around her and echoed inside of her. And she remembered the look of the bear she had seen outside Zach’s window.
What was she missing? She had obviously misinterpreted things. There was something. A connection she hadn’t made. Something she hadn’t accounted for. What was it?
Ailsa closed her eyes and tried to let her mind relax. Slowly she let her thoughts wander out into the sky, out beyond the confines of this room, until it felt like she was floating. She thought about the two bears she had seen. The first had come right after she had kissed Zach, right after she had decided to open up and let him in. She thought of the second bear she had seen outside of Zach’s window. The day after she had bared her soul and told Zach everything about the crash.
People used to think bears were humans dressed up in animal skins, she remembered reading. They are very close relations, bears and humans.
Ailsa’s eyes flew open. “That’s Ailsa’s Bear. Ailsa Bear. I named her after you.” She heard Zach’s voice in her mind, and she saw the face of the bear that had stood up in the summer snow behind Zach’s cabin and had looked at her with curious eyes.
“The bear is about me,” she whispered opening her eyes and staring at the ceiling. “Fuck! The bear is me.”
In a single instant, Ailsa remembered all the signs she had ever come across. Each one had always reflected something she had already known deep down in her heart.
The signs didn’t guide her from the outside. They brought out things from her own intuition, her deep knowing. The bear was the sign that the answers were inside.
Trusting the bear meant truly learning to trust herself again. She had to stop resisting, stop thinking and justifying, lean into what she knew in her heart was true.
“I’m not angry at the universe for not sending me a sign to warn me about the crash…I’ve been angry at myself for not knowing the crash would happen. I’ve blamed the failure of my intuition. I’ve been blaming myself for that crash for years.” She heard the words her lips whispered as if they came from another wiser self.
She had shut herself off from it, her intuition, her self. She had stopped trusting herself because her intuition had let her down. It had failed her. And she wanted to punish it by turning away. Only in the process she had accidentally turned away from part of her deeper self.
It was if Ailsa felt the weight of the whole building above her crash down on her chest. The weight of this realization was that great. The crash hadn’t killed a part of her spirit. She had killed it herself.
“What do I do now?”
The question left her lips before she had recognized the thought. But as soon as she heard the words echo through the empty hotel room, she knew the answer. She knew it deep down in her belly and deep down in her soul. The source of her healing had been so close she hadn’t even seen it. It had been far away not in physical distance, but because she had been looking the wrong way.
It was time to stop blaming herself. It was time to trust her heart again. It was time to ask for forgiveness.
Chapter 41
“Hey Ails, just checking in,” David was doing his brotherly duty and checking on her for her mum and dad.
“I’m good.” Ailsa nodded even though he couldn’t see her.
“Okay…yeah, you sound good.” David didn’t try to hide his surprise. “Was the music store gig a go-er?”
“No, I don’t think so,” Ailsa said. “Mr. McInnis was really nice, but that’s not what I’m supposed to be doing.”
“And what are you supposed to be doing?”
Ailsa didn’t answer. Instead she told him the more important thing that was now on her mind. “David, listen. I’ve done some thinking. Things have somehow come together for me while I’ve been up here. And I need to go back…to where we crashed…”
She paused, waiting for his response, wondering if he would try to talk her out of it.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I think…I need to go make my peace.”
“Are you still in Inverness?”
Ailsa looked out the window of the coffee shop she had stopped in for breakfast. “I’m just finishing up here. I’m going to stop by the music shop and speak to Mr. McInnis before I go. I want to tell him in person why I’m not going to take the job. And then I’ll drive down.”
She paused and sipped her coffee. Swallowing helped keep her emotions at bay. Being on Rannoch Moor where they had crashed wasn’t going to be easy.
“I don’t know how long I’ll be, David.”
“Just be safe. I’ll make sure mum doesn’t worry.”
“Thanks.” She bit her lip. “Hey David?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re a good brother. Thanks for being there for me through all this.”
She could hear her brother clear his throat. “Yeah, okay. Just don’t think too much, Ails. Sometimes I think that’s your problem.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. See you tonight.”
“Okay, love you.”
“Love you.” She tapped her phone to disconnect the call. Then she drained the rest of her luke warm coffee and took a deep breath. Time to speak to Mr. McInnis. And then drive south to speak to her friends.
Ailsa’s hands were trembling when she finally got into her car later that afternoon. Her talk with James McInnis had been pleasant enough. He probably thought she was some flaky musician and he was better off without her, Ailsa thought. It had been slightly awkward but frankly compared to what lay ahead, it had been by far the easiest thing Ailsa was likely to do today.
She slid in front of the steering wheel and took three deeper breaths. Her hands were still shaking, but her head had cleared a bit. “It will be okay,” she said to herself in the rearview mirror. “You’re going to be alright.” She hoped that that wasn’t a lie.
It was a strange truth that the closer Ailsa drove to Glen Coe, the calmer she seemed to feel. It was as if part of her had been waiting to do this for a long time. It felt like part of her spirit had gotten stuck in the past and was waiting for her to return and retrieve it. Ailsa wound down through the valley, past the visitor center, past the Clachaig Inn. Deeper into the valley between the mountains she drove, past the place where they had parked the car for their hike that day.
As soon as she reached the place she felt a hauntingly cold sensation run through her. As if she had driven straight into her past. The same road they had all been on together. The same place, separated only by the thin veil of time. Ailsa gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying to keep herself in this present time, trying not to get dragged into the past where she had sat making light conversation and gazing innocently out of the window of Jon’s little blue car.
And then she was there.
The place was completely unmarked and indistinguishable from the rest of the moorland that stretched out below the mountain range at her back. Yet she knew it. And when she saw a tiny space in the shoulder of the road she pulled off to the side and turned off the engine. Stepping into the autumnal weather, Ailsa pulled several more layers on. Her brown coat, blue cotton scarf and woollen hat with the small brim. Then she brought her welly boots out of the back of the car and shoved her feet in. And when she was wrapped up against the winds that w
hipped through this clear passageway between the areas of higher ground, Ailsa turned and looked out into the face of the wild land where part of her had died four years ago.
Slowly she strode out into the landscape, choosing her footing carefully, pausing often and for long periods of time to breathe in the wind and calm her pounding heart. Tears continually fell from her eyes, and she used her hands and scarf to brush away the cold trails they made on her cheeks. She could feel her long hair being picked up and tossed about behind her, and she let the wild winds take it, tangle it, make it wild like the land.
“Are you out here?” Ailsa called. To her friends who had been lost. To the part of herself she had lost. To the spirit of the wild land itself.
She had expected to have a flashback. She was so used to them happening in her sleep, she thought surely being in this place would bring strong memories of the crash to her mind. But it was as if the wildness of the land held her safe and instead most of her attention was taken up by the way the vast space reminded her again of the vast space within herself. Of the way the low grey sky gave her of a sense of protection and calm. Of the wind that was always moving, always changing, always moving on.
“I can’t bring you with me.” She said. To Caitriona and Jon and Fraser. “I’m so sorry. I tried. But I can’t carry your lives with me. It’s crushing me. To try to live a life full of four people’s dreams…I can’t do it anymore.”
The tears were falling faster now as she remembered their faces. The way Jon had rolled his eyes when Fraser was talking about climbing gear. The way Fraser had looked when you asked him about climbing gear. The way Caitriona had smiled and winked at Ailsa when they were sharing a thought neither boy could guess. The way Jon’s eyes had turned from hazel to green when the sun shone out. The way Fraser had scratched his hand against the new beard he was trying out. The way Caitriona had laughed with her whole body.
She had loved them so much. Each of them. They had been her friends. They had each been so precious.
“I couldn’t have known we were going to crash.” Ailsa said. And she realized she had stopped talking to her friends and had started talking to herself. “I couldn’t have known. I’m sorry. I wish I had felt something, but I didn’t. I just didn’t know…”
“And neither did you,” she said to Caitriona, Jon and Fraser. “You didn’t know either. We didn’t know that this terrible thing was going to happen to us. And it did happen. And you died. You all died. And I’m so sorry.” She was sobbing now and the wind was drying the tears on her face because she had stopped trying to wipe them away. “I miss you all so much. I’m so sorry you died. Cait. Jon. Fraser.” She said each of their names as she remembered all that they were.
“But I lived. I didn’t die in the accident. I lived…Except I haven’t really been living. I’ve been trying to carry us all through, four lives in one. But that’s not possible. And so I have to put you all down now. Because I’m still alive. And I have to get back to living…”
It was as if a great wind pushed its way through Ailsa’s body. She felt it pick up a weight as it passed through her. And then she watched as the great weight she had been carrying against her heart travelled off with the wind. And for some reason she couldn’t explain, Ailsa started to laugh. Relief. Understanding. Acceptance. They all flowed over her like a wave of peace. And Ailsa stood alone in the middle of the wide open moorland letting it wash over her completely.
Finally she turned back to the car. But it wasn’t just to the car, she knew. She was turning back to her life. She was turning back to Zach. She would go back. If there was any chance he could forgive her, she was going to try. Maybe he would understand. She had fucked things up pretty badly. But maybe she could get him to understand. Her stomach knotted at the thought of what she had put Zach through. The memory of his face alone was enough to make Ailsa feel sick. That she had caused that pain to someone she loved so deeply physically hurt her. But Ailsa knew she had to try to make him understand. She had to ask for his forgiveness as well.
With a determined stride she picked up her knees and waded through the boggy land towards the little red car she had left in the distance. She had wandered further away from it than she had realized. But then there was still plenty of light in the sky, and she was in no hurry to get back to her parents’ house.
As Ailsa got closer, she noticed another car parked behind hers.
David’s car.
What was her brother doing here? Had he decided to drive out to make sure she was okay? Ailsa was touched. What would she have done if she hadn’t had her family at her back all these years? She had always been closer to David than to Scott. They had shared the love of the wilderness and had often gone out hiking or kayaking together. But they had all been there for her. All of them had kept calling to check on her when she was living in Glasgow. All of them had put up with her shifting moods. All of them had loved her in spite of what she had become these last four years.
Now striding towards her brother’s car, Ailsa thought of the other person who had loved her like this. In spite of… Even because of…
She could see her brother move away from the side of his car where he had been waiting and step out into Rannoch Moor to meet her. But there was something in his stride that had changed. Something about him that was not like her brother. Ailsa walked towards him, carefully glancing down at the uneven ground so she could choose her footing.
When she looked up, he was closer and Ailsa’s breath caught in her chest and she found her hand had flown up against her heart. Because the man walking towards her over the boggy moor was not her brother after all.
Chapter 42
For a split second Ailsa paused as she watched Zach walk through the boggy moor of heather and orange grasses. She could make out the reds and browns of his plaid button-down shirt, his jeans, his brown boots she knew so well. And then Ailsa caught sight of his golden brown eyes and she was running through the sinking land towards him.
“Zach!” He stopped walking as she ran towards him, and she could see the edges of his mouth begin to flicker with a smile. She was running as fast as she could. She felt like she was flying with the wind. A second later, Ailsa launched herself at him, and Zach caught her against his solid chest and wrapped his arms securely around her.
“Is it really you?” She whispered into his chest, breathing in the smell of him as she buried her face into his neck.
“Yeah, it’s me.” She heard his deep voice gruff against her ear.
“Thank fuck!” She crushed her mouth against his and felt him immediately open to her. I’m sorry. I love you. She brought these silent words into his mouth, pressing her tongue against his. Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, and she could feel the strength of him holding her at her back. He could never hold her tight enough.
Ailsa felt Zach ease away from her face. “Please don’t stop,” she whispered, finding his eyes and holding the brown in her light blue ones.
“I won’t.” He was looking deep into her eyes now.
“I mean all of it.” Her eyes glistened with tears. But for the first time in longer than she could remember, they were tears of joy.
“I know.” Zach brought his rough hand to her face, and she lay her cheek against it and let out a sigh that was of relief and love and the profound feeling of coming home.
“I was such an idiot, Zach.” Her fingers wrapped around his forearms as he ran his hands through her long tangled hair. “Please forgive me. Please. I don’t know what I’ll do. I completely fucked things up with us and…”
“Shhhhh.” He placed his mouth against hers again, and this time his kiss was gentle and said all the things that needed to be said. I love you. Forgiven.
When they came up for air at last, Zach brought Ailsa against his chest and took a deep breath as the winds whipped around them across the wide open land. “It’s so beautiful here,” Zach murmured, his voice deep and echoing through his chest as Ailsa pressed her face against
him. She nodded her head against him, unwilling to loosen her grasp around his waist.
“Ailsa…?”
She lifted her face to look up at him. His face was so familiar, and she had missed him so much over the last week, it felt like just the look of him took her breath away.
“I have something for you.”
“You do?” She relaxed her arms a bit so she could look into his face.
“I came a long way to give it to you. And this wasn’t exactly what I’d planned. But seeing as how the most beautiful woman in the world just ran across a bog and threw herself at me, I think this is probably the best chance I’m ever going to get.”
She didn’t understand what he was doing. He’d come all the way across the ocean to bring her something? She didn’t need anything. She didn’t want anything. Just him. Just the steady rhythm of his heartbeat against her cheek, the sound of his voice in her ear, the feel of his hand against her face.
“Ailsa…”
“Yeah…” She shook her head and looked at the small box he had brought out of his pocket. “What is it?”
“Open it and see…”
Ailsa took the small box into her hands and lifted the lid. Inside an antique ring glittered, picking up the late afternoon light. Ailsa gasped and shut the lid. She looked up at Zach’s face, her blue eyes wide with sudden understanding. Zach was watching every flicker of her face, every slight shifting color of her eyes. She looked down at the tiny box resting in her slender fingers and slowly opened the lid again. The ring was beautiful, a square diamond resting in a white gold setting that swirled with architectural patterns. Ailsa had never paid much attention to rings. But this was the most beautiful one she had ever seen.