laugh. “Why? This is weird and you’re—”
“Get in the bathroom,” Mom ordered with a grin. “Or you’re grounded.”
“What?” I gasped out another laugh. “Have you lost your mind?”
Mom folded her arms. “I will drag you in there and change you myself.”
“Oh my God. Okay, okay.”
Taking the bundle of clothing, I went inside the bathroom, having no idea what she was up to or why I had to change right now. Did I smell that badly of fried chicken tenders? I’d barely worked up a sweat at Joanna’s, but I took a quick shower anyway, like I always did when I got home. I’d kept my hair up in a bun, so I didn’t have to mess with drying it. Changing into the clothes, I discovered the bundle had included a pair of thick socks. I rolled them on, tugging them up my calf.
Mom was waiting for me in the hallway.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on yet?” I asked, pushing up the sleeves on my thermal.
“Nope.” She pivoted around. “Follow me.”
Beyond curious, I followed her back downstairs and to the kitchen.
“Put these sneakers on.” She motioned at the pair by the door. “And then go outside.”
“I’m a little freaked out at this point.” I slipped my sneakers on. “Like I’m about to walk into a trap.”
“Now, why would I do that to my daughter?”
I shot her a look over my shoulder but opened the door anyway and came to a dead stop.
Sebastian was waiting outside on the patio Mom never used anymore, dressed like me with the exception of the leggings. He had on sweats and a slouchy gray knit hat. Over his shoulder, I thought his backyard looked brighter than normal, but then I saw what he held in his hands.
A corsage—rose petals in a vibrant, dewy red and in full bloom, sprinkled with baby’s breath and fresh leaves.
I dragged my gaze to his.
A shy smile tugged at his lips. “Since you didn’t go to homecoming, I thought we’d do something better.”
My brain completely emptied of all thoughts.
“Be good.” Mom passed both of us a long look. “Have fun.”
With wide eyes, I turned back to Sebastian as Mom closed the door behind us. “I thought you were going to homecoming.”
He shook his head as he walked over to me. “Nah. We can always do prom, right?”
We. The way he said that... “Right,” I whispered.
“May I?” he asked, and in a dumb daze, I held up my arm. He slipped the corsage over my left hand and secured it to my wrist. “Looks good on you.”
Blinking rapidly, I gave a little shake of my head. “Thank you.”
“You can’t say thanks yet.” Taking my hand, he led me off the cracked cement, toward the gate between our yards. “So, I came up with something I thought would be much better than a dance.”
With a knot in my throat, I followed him, absolutely stunned.
“I’ve actually been wanting to do this for a while and figured this was the perfect chance.” He pushed open the gate and tugged me through. “What do you think?”
My mouth was hanging open as I took in the sight in front of me. Twinkling lights were hung from the shed to the trees, casting a soft glow on the narrow yard. In the center, several feet away from the patio, was a tent. A light flickered inside it.
“Camping?” I whispered.
Sebastian let go of my hand and shoved his hands into his pockets as he nodded. “You remember doing this when we were younger?”
“Yeah.” Of course I did. “Every Saturday night. Either your dad or mine would come out here and set it up for us.”
“We’d make s’mores.” He nudged me gently with his shoulder. “Until that one time you caught your hair on fire.”
“I didn’t catch my hair on fire!” I laughed, and it was a real, deep laugh that shocked me into silence. When had I last laughed like that?
“I stand corrected. It was only a few strands. Same thing.” He leaned into me this time, and I turned slightly, dropping the side of my head against his arm. “We’re not roasting s’mores tonight, but I got the next best thing.”
“What?” My voice was hoarse.
“You have to wait and see,” he answered. “It’s a surprise.”
“Another?”
“Another.”
Oh God.
Lifting my right hand, I rubbed my palm over my eyes. A slight wetness clung to my lashes.
“You okay?”
“Of course.” I pulled it together as I stepped away and glanced at the back door. “Where are your parents?”
“They’re doing date night. They’ll be home later.”
“And they know about this?”
He chuckled. “Yeah. Mom wanted to hang around and take pictures of us standing in front of the tent, since she feels she got cheated out of the senior homecoming pictures.”
Another laugh burst out of me, shaking my entire body, and as the laugh faded like ashes in the wind, I saw Sebastian staring at me in the glittering lights.
“I missed that sound,” he said, angling his body toward me. “Your laugh. I missed it more than I even realized.”
Feeling a little breathless, I brought my gaze to his. “Me, too.”
“Good.” His eyes searched mine and then he exhaled heavily. “Ready to check out the tent?”
Toying with a string of baby’s breath on the corsage, I started to follow him when suspicion suddenly blossomed, and I stopped to look up at Sebastian. “Did you...talk to Felicia?”
He grinned, hands still shoved into the pockets, obviously pleased with himself. “Maybe.”
“You did!” My eyes widened. “That’s why she let me go home two hours early. When did you do it?”
“Thursday night I swung by and asked,” he said, eyes glimmering in the low light.
“And obviously you talked to my mom.”
He nodded once more. “A couple of days ago. She said, and I quote, ‘You’re such a sweet boy.’ Not that I needed to be told that.”
“You are a sweet boy.”
Chuckling, he peeled back the flap of the tent. “You first.”
I toed off my sneakers, then ducked inside the tent and was able to stand straight. Sebastian wasn’t able to as he stepped inside, so he knelt beside me as I inhaled the musty scent, immediately swamped by memories of the long summer nights spent in a much smaller tent.
There was an air mattress on the ground, along with two sleeping bags and a comforter I vaguely recognized from Sebastian’s house. Pillows were stacked at one side of the mattress. A little LED lantern sat on a plastic folding table. A pile of food waited in the corner—chips, sodas, Tupperware containers and even a bag of Funyuns.
That was pretty much when I knew I would forever be in love with Sebastian.
Sebastian reached over to the pile of food, picked up a container and popped the lid open. “Mom made s’more brownies.”
My mouth watered. “S’more brownies? That sounds like heaven.”
“They are amazing.” He put the lid back on and picked up another. “The last time she made them, I ate so many I thought I’d vomit.”
I laughed as I watched him open another lid. That one had strawberries and pieces of watermelon in it.
“Cut them up myself,” he said, sitting down on the edge of the mattress. “I think I deserve a pat on the head for that alone.”
Grinning, I patted the top of his knit cap and then looked around the tent again. Emotion closed up my throat. This was amazing, perfect and so incredibly thoughtful.
I kind of wanted to cry. “This is...”
“What?” Sebastian looked over at me.
“Thank you.” I dropped down on the mattress beside him. Leaning over, I clasped his cheeks. “Thank you so much. I never expected you to do anything like this, and I know I don’t—”
“Don’t say it.” He folded his hands over my wrists. Our eyes met. “There will be none of that tonight. At all.
It’s just you and me and a ton of calories waiting to be consumed. Nothing else. No past. Nothing.”
I just stopped thinking. Right then. Right there.
And I just acted.
Closing the distance between us, I kissed Sebastian on the lips, throwing not just the welling gratitude behind it but also everything I felt for him. There wasn’t a moment of hesitation from him. One hand moved to the nape of my neck and he moved off the mattress, onto his knees in front of me. His mouth was soft and hard all at once, and when my lips parted, he deepened the kiss.
He was the one who eventually pulled away, and when he spoke, his voice was deliciously thick. “We should probably start eating.”
“All righty.” I would’ve agreed to almost anything at that point.
We broke apart and started rifling through the bags of chips and containers. While we ate, we talked about utterly nothing important, and it was glorious, because it had been so long since I could just...just be. Since I could talk about my favorite show or the books that were in my room, yet unread, and listen to Sebastian go back and forth on what he’d like to study in college without my mind being caught up in the past.
Once I was stuffed and Sebastian was closing up the bags, I asked, “Are we really going to sleep out here?”
Sebastian chuckled. “Hell yeah.” Craning his head back toward me, he raised his brows. “Unless you’re not comfortable.”
“I’m comfortable,” I said. I was and wasn’t at the same time, because being out here all night with him wasn’t anything like when we were kids.
His lashes lowered. “You sure about that.”
“Yes.” I scooted down. “I’m just curious to how our parents are okay with this.”
“They trust us.”
I snorted.
Sebastian crawled up the length of the mattress and stretched out on his side. “I want you to know I don’t expect you to stay here all night,” he said. “You can hang out for however long you want and leave whenever you want.”
Easing down next to him, I hadn’t imagined in a long time that I’d find myself spending the night in a tent again. When we were kids, I wasn’t picturing him shirtless or thinking some of the things that were crossing my mind now. I rolled onto my side, facing him. I had no idea how long I would stay, but I knew deep down, no matter what I decided about tonight, Sebastian would be okay with it.
No expectations.
Except one.
I felt my cheeks heat before I even got the question out of my mouth. “Is it... Is it okay if I call myself your girlfriend?”
The smile that raced across his striking face nearly stole my breath. “I’ve been trying to call you my girlfriend since I realized I liked girls.”
Happiness bubbled up, and I didn’t let anything stamp it down. Nothing. Stretching across the tiny space between us, I placed my hand on his chest, above his heart. His hand folded over mine. Courage rose, pushing me to take a big step, to allow myself to do it.
I kept my eyes open as I said what I’d wanted to say for so many years. Words that, for a while, I thought I no longer deserved. “I love you,” I said. “I’ve been in love with you for as long as I remember.”
Sebastian moved instantly.
One hand cupped my cheek, and then his mouth was on mine and we were kissing. There was nothing artful about these kisses. Our lips and mouths crashed together. He tasted of chocolate and salt, and when the kiss deepened, he shifted even closer.
He worked one arm under me, and we were fused together, chest to chest, hip to hip. When he rolled me onto my back, he followed, and our hands were needy, slipping under clothes, skin to skin in a heady rush.
My hands roamed the length of his back and his sides. His hand traveled down my hip, over my thigh. He hooked my leg around his waist, bringing us even closer together, although I hadn’t thought that was possible. His shirt came off, then mine. And then we were truly skin to skin in a way we’d never been before.
Acute shivers raced over my skin as the small, rough hairs of his chest brushed against me. Unbridled sensation pounded my senses.
“This wasn’t why I did this tonight,” he said, his voice unlike I’d ever heard before. “We don’t have to do anything. We don’t—”
“I know.” Curling my hand around the nape of his neck, I opened my eyes. “I know.”
I tugged his mouth back to mine, and this time when we kissed, there was something different about it. It was uninhibited and more...more purposeful, and I felt wild in the most wonderful way. I had no idea where tonight would go, where we would end up, but I trusted him. He trusted me.
“I love you,” I whispered against his mouth.
Sebastian made this sound, this rugged and deep sound against my mouth, as his hips settled between my legs and his chest was once again pressed into mine. He moved, and I was falling, swimming, drowning in sensations.
And I lived.
I loved.
And it was okay, more than okay.
It was beautiful.
It was living.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Brown leaves floated from nearly bare limbs, falling down to the ground silently. It was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and on Monday I had my last session with Dr. Perry.
I had my assignments.
I’d been following them dutifully.
I took Sunday evenings to truly remember my friends, and God, that had not been fun at first. Since the accident, I’d avoided looking at their Facebook and Instagram accounts or any of the pictures I had of them. I hadn’t read their old messages on my phone or their emails.
The first Sunday I’d lasted for only a half an hour before I tossed an old photo album aside. I didn’t cry. I had no idea why, especially since my eyes were their own water park at that point. The second Sunday night, when I went to their social media accounts, I’d lost it. Seeing their last posts killed me.
Megan had posted about Dance Moms that Saturday afternoon. That had been what she was thinking about, having no idea she’d die later that night, and I think that was what messed with me the most. None of us had even the tiniest of ideas that our lives were about to be irrevocably altered.
Cody had an Instagram post from that night before, a picture of him holding a red cup, smiling into the camera. He was with Chris. Both of them so bright and so happy. I focused on their smiles, because that was what I needed to remember.
Phillip had shared a video of pranks being pulled with the caption “LMFAO.” Those were his last words on the internet. LMFAO.
The worst part of seeing their accounts was scrolling through all the messages left on their pages after the accident. All the words of mourning and sorrow, the #RIPs and the shock left in the wake of their deaths.
It broke me all over again.
I’d spent most of the evening sitting on the couch eating chocolate, wrapped in my mom’s arms and talking about them. I woke the following morning expecting to feel like crap, but I’d felt a little better.
A little lighter.
But I still hadn’t gone to their graves yet.
When I left the room with the lamest motivational posters ever, the smile Dr. Perry had given me was as real as any of the ones from the past, but it had been a little different.
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