by Phil Earle
Once the conveyor belt of dinner was over, the other lifers piled into the lounge for their dose of TV before Operation Bedtime begins, the most stressful part of any scummer’s shift. It’s hardly fun for the lifers either. I still see it in the twins, despite being here so long.
‘You are going to read to us tonight, aren’t you, Bill?’ asked Lizzie.
‘After your bath I will,’ I replied, waiting for the next question.
‘And you will wait outside the bathroom while I’m in there, won’t you?’
‘If that’s what you want, yeah.’
‘The others are always trying the door while I’m in there. I don’t like it.’
‘I know you don’t, Lizzie. But there’s no need to worry. Anyone coming near the door will get a dig from me, all right?’
And that seemed to help a bit.
But it’s the same anxiety every night as bedtime approaches. Hardly surprising when you’re faced with being put to bed by scummers who are practically strangers.
No one puts the twins to bed but me.
And they won’t have it any other way.
I don’t know how they managed when I was living at Jan and Grant’s.
I was a mess.
When bedtime came around, I’d sit in my posh new room and try to remember who would be on shift that night. But even if it was one of the better scummers, I still wanted to run back to them, screaming that I was on the way, not to worry.
I never did run back there, though. Well, I did at first, but the scummers would never let me past the front gate. And when things got a bit lairy, it was never long before they called the rozzers, who’d drag me home, much to Jan and Grant’s delight.
I had to make do with nightly phone calls, followed by hours worrying myself sick.
About someone different tucking them in every night. Not knowing what stories to read and in what order. Not knowing to tuck the duvet in under their feet to keep them warm. Not sitting in the doorway until they nodded off.
Killed me, it did.
Still does.
So now I make sure that, whatever’s gone on in the day, I’m here for bedtime.
Sitting in the doorway, listening to their breathing deepen, I could feel the knot tightening inside me.
As the crying started down the hallway and the yells for mummy pealed off the walls, I knew it was going to be another typical night in hell.
Another night sitting and counting the stars in my room, thinking about escaping, thinking about screaming myself, thinking I’m about to lose the plot.
CHAPTER 4
The chair groaned as I pushed back on to two legs, forcing me to make eye contact with the rest of the room. Quite a turnout, it was. In fact, never in my long and illustrious career as Billy Finn, professional lifer, had I seen such a collection of scummers.
The Colonel was there of course, shoes glistening and shirt pressed. I was almost surprised he hadn’t buffed up his medals and pinned them to his chest as well, then he’d really have been ready for inspection.
Tony, the fat controller who ran the home, was there too, though how they squeezed him into his chair was beyond me. Must have poured him into a mould, I decided, grinning inwardly.
Then there was Dawn, my social worker of the month. A decent sort. Kind, caring, thoughtful. Everything a social worker shouldn’t be. Still, she was young. She’d learn. Either that or have a breakdown within six months. She wouldn’t be the first, believe me.
The other bod in the room I didn’t recognize, or trust for that matter. He stank of social work. Covered in corduroy and spectacles. Except he didn’t smell of fear, like Dawn. He had a calm about him, as if he knew why he was here. And that bothered me.
He clocked me, gave me a smile, and nodded to Dawn to get the ball rolling.
‘Right, shall we start?’ she cooed, like she was about to run a game of bingo rather than sounding the bell for round one. Made me think this was probably her first case-review meeting.
‘Let me introduce everyone to you, Billy. Obviously, you know me, Ronald and … er, Tony,’ she added, checking her notes nervously. ‘But this is Christopher, head of childcare services for the borough. Given your age, and the, um, challenges we face in finding you some stability and forming a comprehensive new care plan, we thought Christopher’s input would be invaluable today.’
‘Very nice to meet you, Billy. I’ve been reading your file at length.’
I bet you have, I thought to myself. You could have built me and the twins a house to live in from all the files on me.
‘But I thought it might be more useful if you gave me an idea of your background. I can only learn so much from this,’ he said, gesturing at a bulging A4 file.
Silence.
If he thought he was getting the life story from me, he was mistaken.
But if the quiet bothered him, he certainly didn’t show it. He just sat there looking at me. I don’t think he even blinked for the first minute.
The others were getting twitchy. I could see it. Tony was tapping his teeth with his biro. Dawn was flicking through her notes as if that was going to help her. If it was answers she was after, she wasn’t going to find any in the pages of my file.
It was certainly too much for Ronnie. Sweat was already pooling on his top lip and his leg was twitching against the table, causing the teacups to shudder.
‘It’s over eight years now since Billy first came to live with us,’ he barked suddenly. ‘It was just after his sixth birthday. The twins came at the same time, obviously. Life at home had been very unstable. Mum and her boyfriend, Shaun, who is the twins’ father but not Billy’s, had alcohol and substance issues, and there were obvious indications of both emotional and physical abuse.’
I felt my pulse quicken for a minute at the mention of his name, but tried to breathe through it.
Keep cool. Keep cool.
‘Hmmm,’ said Christopher, with a chin stroke added for dramatic effect. You’d have thought someone had just explained the secret of eternal youth to him, not read out my admissions report. ‘You must know this house inside out by now.’
I smiled my falsest smile.
More than you could ever know, pal. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to talk to you.
‘Tell me, Billy,’ he asked, leaning forward. ‘How is that for you? For the three of you of course, but in particular for you? I’d imagine the twins’ memory of arriving here is sketchy at best.’
‘S’like Disney World,’ I mumbled.
‘I’m sorry?’ he asked, leaning further still.
‘I SAID –’ cupping my hand around my mouth like a foghorn – ‘s’like Disney World. Everywhere I look I see Mickey Mouse.’
I could feel Ronnie stiffen beside me. Perfect.
Christopher, though, looked unflustered, as relaxed as before. In fact, he even allowed himself a sympathetic smile.
‘No, I can imagine it must be incredibly difficult for you. To be so long in one place. Although I did notice,’ he said, flicking through the file, ‘that you had a placement outside of the home for a period.’ And again he leaned forward, inviting a response.
Bollocks. First Shaun and now this.
I didn’t like where it was going and I dropped my eyes for the first time, which I realized instantly was a mistake. He knew he’d hit on something, and if he was like the other scummers I’d met, he wasn’t going to move on until he was ready.
I tried to hold on to the silence that I’d started with, focusing on the coffee cup still gently shaking on the table. Until I noticed it wasn’t Ronnie’s leg making it quiver any more. It was mine, and that was too much.
‘What is it you’re trying to get at? I don’t see what it is you’re trying to get out of me here.’
‘All I’m trying to do, Billy, is understand you. Because if I don’t understand what has happened to you over the years, then h
ow can we sit here and work out what’s best for you going forward?’
Typical social-work cack, but I knew there was more to come, and the sooner he spouted it, the sooner I’d be out of there.
Christopher turned his eyes back to my file. I knew what was coming.
‘I see that you spent six months with a family, Billy. How long ago was that?’
‘Three years ago now,’ interrupted Ronnie.
It was almost a relief to see someone as on edge as me, but for different reasons. He was just ticking down the seconds until he had to put my arm up my back again. He knew he was the only one in the room capable of stopping me from ripping Christopher’s throat out.
‘It’s incredibly rare, you know, Billy, to find a placement at the age of eleven. People looking to foster, or in the case of …’ He paused as his eyes flicked back to the file.
‘Jan and Grant,’ I muttered. Why was I helping him?
‘Thank you, yes, the Scotts. I see here that it wasn’t just a fostering placement they were offering you. They were adopting you. I can’t begin to tell you how rare that is. You know that, don’t you, Billy?’
I shrugged, as if it was news to me.
‘So what happened? I need to understand, when you were offered the chance that so many children like you dream of, why or how it could go so wrong.’
As he spoke, and dug away at me, at stuff that no one dared to go near, I could feel a knot building in my stomach, and as it built I could feel it bumping the anger that sat above it ever closer to the surface.
‘Why are you asking me? Don’t you think you’re asking the wrong person here? You should be asking them, Jan and Grant. They’re the ones who sent me back. I didn’t leave. They didn’t WANT me.’
‘But, Billy, you have to understand your part in this. These people did want you. Wanted you to be their son, not for a year, not until you turned eighteen, but for the rest of your life. But you made their lives impossible. You smashed windows, you disappeared for days on end. You know what else you did, don’t you? I don’t want to go over the other incidents. I’m not here to provoke you, I’m here to move things on.’
The rage was in my throat now. It was impossible to speak. He’d gone too far and he knew it, so Dawn stepped in.
‘What worries us, Billy, what worries all of us here is that we can see you repeating yourself again. The absconding, the vandalism, your non-attendance at school. All behaviours you exhibited towards the end of your stay with the Scotts. And no one here wants to see the same incidents unfold again.’
‘Do you realize how many times we’ve had to restrain you in the last two months, Bill?’ Tony chipped in. ‘Fourteen times. Twice in the last three days! And it’s not like you’re eight years old any more. You’ll soon be fifteen. Do you realize how hard it is for the staff to go through that week after week?’
‘Then back off and leave me alone,’ I spat. ‘Every time they put me on the floor, it’s because they don’t know how to leave well enough alone.’
‘Come on, Billy, that’s simply not true. Your behaviour is completely unpredictable. We never know what’s going to trigger the next incident.’ Ronnie looked almost believable.
‘What Tony is saying, in a roundabout way,’ interrupted Christopher, ‘is that you are standing at a crossroads here, Billy. The current state of affairs simply can’t continue, for Ronnie, for the other carers and residents, and for you.’
‘We just can’t cope with you in the same way any more, Billy. We’re just not equipped to give you what you need.’
The knot inside me turned into a fist and started jabbing at my stomach. I couldn’t believe I’d arrived at this point again.
‘Where are you sending me?’ I asked.
‘We’re not sending you anywhere, Bill. Not at the moment. We’re offering you one last opportunity to turn yourself around. Cut out the challenging behaviour and attend school. You know what it is you have to do.’
‘And if I don’t?’
‘Then we will have to look at an alternative placement for you. There are some brilliant therapeutic units that could offer you the help you need. The chance to sort out whatever it is that’s bothering you.’
‘You mean secure units?’
‘No, Billy. We’re not talking about locking you up. It’s not about that. It’s about keeping you safe, sorting you out. These places could offer practically one-on-one care, sessions with therapists, and there’d be fewer kids living there, so fewer distractions.’
‘But what about the twins? I don’t see how that would help them. They don’t need therapy. They’re nine years old.’
Christopher shook his head. ‘No, Billy. Let’s get one thing straight. This placement would be just for you. It wouldn’t involve the twins.’
Too much, too much, and before I knew it I was on my feet.
‘Hang on a minute here. You can’t split us up. They need me, they do. I’m all they’ve got.’
‘I appreciate that, Billy. But have you stopped to consider the twins in all this? How do you think they feel when they see you so angry all the time?’
‘They know the score. They can see Ronnie keeps setting me up. He tries to do the same to them, for God’s sake!’
‘I’m sorry, Billy, but that’s just not true. Ron has only their best interests at heart, just as he does for you. What you have to try and understand is that the only bad influence around the twins, the only danger around them, in all honesty, is you.’
The dam burst at his words, and before I knew it, I’d launched myself across the table, scattering the teacups in all directions.
I didn’t reach Christopher, however, as Ronnie and Tony flew from their chairs, grabbing a leg each, before pinning me on the table. So that’s why Tony was really there. Backup. Hired muscle.
Lifting my head, I caught a glimpse of fear on Christopher’s face for the first time. For the first time he’d seen the real me. Knew what I was all about. Knew what I was capable of.
I could read what his eyes were saying.
I’m not surprised they gave you up. I’m not surprised they sent you back.
That made two of us.
CHAPTER 5
I’ve never been much good under pressure, and the weeks following the review were no exception, especially as school decided they wouldn’t be ready for me to return for at least a month. Apparently they needed time to plan my ‘integration’, which I knew was a lie.
They just didn’t want me there. Either that or the teachers were demanding extra training to cope. Or more money.
Either way, it didn’t help me.
Now they had me over a barrel, I knew I had to at least look willing, and it’s easier to do that in a room of thirty kids than sat on your own in the kitchen with the Colonel watching you like a hawk. Every minute was shocking and, to be honest, I hadn’t a clue what the textbooks were on about most of the time. I’d missed too much to catch up without someone explaining everything to me like a toddler.
So I just tried to copy as much from the textbooks as I could and used the limited time I had with a computer to download stuff.
It was so dull, although the Colonel had such low expectations of me that I didn’t worry about getting anything right. I doubted he’d even look at it. As long as I was quiet and he didn’t have to sit on me, I reckoned he might give me some space.
I just wished he’d leave the twins alone.
Now I was working during the day, he had no option but to let me join him in picking them up from school, and my God he was a pain in the arse.
They’d come screaming out the gates like any of the other kids, full of joy at finishing for the day. But within seconds he’d knock the stuffing right out of them. If they didn’t have their tie on they’d get the third degree, or if their jumper was round their waist you’d think the world had ended. The man was obsessed.
But what co
uld I do? I just had to sit there and simmer.
And I could see he loved every minute of it. He knew he could wind me up and there was nothing I could do, except kick off. And I wasn’t going to give him what he wanted.
I never had and I wasn’t going to start now.
I just ploughed every bit of energy I had into the twins. They didn’t have a clue what was going on, and I certainly wasn’t going to tell them. They’d been there before. I’d seen how gutted they were when I went to Jan and Grant’s; there was no way I was putting them through that again.
There were so many nights when they’d called me before they went to bed, and although they never actually cried down the phone, I could hear the fear in their voices. Knew that once the call was over and they were left alone in their room the tears would follow. Killed me, it did, made me feel so guilty, like I had abandoned them, just as Annie had.
No, it had to be business as usual, and that included getting them ready for contact.
Saturday afternoon was contact time. Had been for as long as I could remember, and, as always, the twins were bouncing off the walls with excitement.
‘Where do you think Mum’ll take us, Bill?’ asked Louie.
‘The cinema. She promised last week.’ Lizzie was in no doubt, and I didn’t have the heart to put her right. Annie had a shortlist of places to take the twins. All of them were cheap and none of them the cinema.
But at least she was turning up now. There had been periods in the early days when she didn’t appear for months on end. And there were never any apologies. We were lucky if she remembered birthdays. Not that the twins noticed. I became pretty good at forging her signature on cards.
‘Why don’t you come with us today, Bill?’ asked Louie. ‘Mum won’t mind. She’d love to take us all out.’
My heart sank, as it always did. They didn’t understand, and why would they? How do you explain to your brother and sister that your mother doesn’t want you any more? That she’s only interested in them.