Being Billy

by Phil Earle

  ‘Yeah, why don’t you do that? Shame you can’t remember the date of your own kids’ birthdays, though, isn’t it?’

  ‘I know when you were all born. As if I’d forget that.’

  ‘Then why don’t you manage to get cards in the post? Lose our address or something?’

  Her head hung low as she lit a second cigarette with the end of the first.

  ‘You’re stuck in the past, Bill. I haven’t forgotten the twins’ birthday in years.’

  ‘Mine’s a different matter, though, isn’t it?’ I spat, but once the words were out there, I instantly regretted them.

  ‘Look, Bill, let’s not do this out here. Come in and have a cup of tea with me.’

  She tried to guide me down the path.

  The hairs on my arms stood up at her touch. These weren’t a mother’s hands. They weren’t gentle or soft, they weren’t the hands that had calmed me after a bad dream or rubbed me better when I fell over. Her hands were rough, older than she was. They were a stranger’s hands.

  ‘I don’t think so, Annie.’ And I saw her flinch as I used her name. ‘I didn’t come here to make conversation. I just had to see the house. For the twins, not for me. I’ll never step foot inside, not after what you let him do to us in there.’

  I made to walk away, but she had other ideas.

  ‘You think I can forget what happened either, Billy? I’ve been stuck in that house on my own for years, with nothing but memories about what he did to you. What I let him do.’

  The tears welled in her eyes, but they were cold tears. They held no regret for me, just for herself.

  ‘But I’m a different person now. I’m sober. And I want to make things better. I can’t make it all right, I know that, but I can try and make it better.’

  ‘What, by splitting us up? By taking away the only person that’s always been there for them? You’re just worried I’ll tell them the truth about you. About what a drunk you are. About how you sat there and watched your boyfriend beat me, just because I wasn’t his!’

  A light went on in my head.

  ‘That’s why you signed those papers, isn’t it? That’s why you wanted me to go to Jan and Grant’s? Cos Shaun didn’t want me. And with me out of the way, the twins might remember you as something you never were – a decent mother.’

  The tears rolled down her cheeks and she made no attempt to wipe them away.

  ‘You can’t think that, Bill. I didn’t realize what I was doing. I was still drinking, still drunk. They told me I’d never get you back, that it was kinder to let you have a second chance with someone else.’

  ‘Who told you that?’ I yelled. ‘Shaun? You listened to him?’

  ‘No, it wasn’t him. It was the social workers. They told me I wasn’t capable of looking after you. That you had needs that other people might be able to handle. Things I wouldn’t be able to cope with.’

  ‘So you gave up on me, just like that?’

  ‘That’s not how it was, Billy. But you were so angry. I didn’t know what to do with it. How to make it any better. You were so … so … angry!’

  I tried to swallow the bile in my throat, determined to show her that I could do calm, but the anger was burning, and unless it came out I thought I’d explode.

  ‘And whose fault is that, Annie? Who’s to blame there? Let’s think, shall we? Who did I learn that one off?’

  ‘I was never angry with you, Billy. I was just ill. I didn’t know what I was doing.’

  ‘But you stood there and you watched him. You watched Shaun as he took me apart. And you never stopped him. Not once.’

  ‘I wanted to, though. I did. I was just scared.’

  ‘You weren’t scared, Annie,’ I said, shaking my head slowly. ‘You were just pissed. It was easier to be pissed than be a mum, and that’s why you stayed with him. Because he gave you what you needed. He gave you booze.’

  I started to walk on. I’d heard all I wanted to hear, but that didn’t stop her, and she practically ran after me, shouting manically as she went.

  ‘But I’m sober now, Billy. Do you hear me? I’ve changed. But you,’ she spat, ‘you haven’t. And you know what, that’s why that family sent you back. Because you won’t let anyone near you, let alone love you.’

  ‘And whose fault is that?’ I asked her.

  I walked on a few steps before stopping one last time to face her.

  ‘I know the twins are coming to you, because I know you’ve convinced them all that you can do it. But just remember, I know you better, and when you mess up – WHEN, not if, WHEN – the twins will never forgive you, and neither will the scummers. Then we’ll see who’s unlovable, won’t we?’

  As the last of the words fell out of my mouth, I could see doubt take root in her head, but I took no pleasure from it. Whatever happened next meant pain for someone, whether it was the twins or me. And all I could do, it seemed, was wait for it to happen.

  CHAPTER 26

  For normal kids, bank holidays mean trips to the seaside, long days in the park or the chance to be spoilt rotten by grandparents. There’s a separate set of rules for a lifer’s bank holiday. In my world, the three-day break was seen as the perfect time to send the twins to live at Annie’s.

  It was the beginning of the end of the world. After today, their heads would be full of Annie and their new room, the friends they’d play with in their street. It would only be a matter of time – weeks, I reckoned – until they forgot about this place. Forgot about me.

  Ronnie tried to put a gloss on it, promised to keep me busy with training, and loads of one-on-one time, but it was no use. There was nothing he could offer that would soften the blow or make me feel less alone.

  I watched the light invade my room that morning, the same way I had for the past few months, dozing fitfully as Louie curled himself next to me. His visits had become a nightly event since he’d learned of their return to Annie’s, and as much as I worried about how he would cope once there, I didn’t have the heart to put him back in his own bed. Besides, his company meant I relaxed enough to grab patches of sleep as well.

  Lizzie, on the other hand, seemed more at ease about it all, excited even, and only really joined Louie when she woke to realize he wasn’t there.

  They knew what was going on. The scummers had gone into overdrive to prepare them, constantly encouraging them to be as independent as possible. They even brought in this counsellor, who had them drawing pictures about what life would be like at their mum’s. I don’t know whose drawing killed me most. Lizzie’s picture was so detailed. A house and garden, with her, Annie, Louie and me waving happily from the doorway, whereas Louie’s was a one-colour scribble. There was no inviting smoke coming from his chimney, no garden in bloom, while the three figures he’d drawn certainly weren’t smiling. And I was nowhere to be seen.

  I think this must have freaked the scummers out a bit, as I got this lecture from the counsellor about the part I could play in preparing them. I was told to talk to them regularly, whenever I could or whenever they had questions. What did they expect me to say? How could I tell the twins it was for the best, when all I wanted to do was lock them in my room and never let them out of my sight? It stank. The whole thing stank, but I had no way of getting out of it.

  As I slumped down the stairs on that final morning, I had no idea of how we were going to fill the hours before Annie’s arrival. All I’d been told was that we had to make it as normal as we possibly could, for the sake of the twins. Fortunately, Ronnie had planned the morning with his normal military precision, and for once I just went with it. I didn’t have the fight in me to disagree.

  He’d started off with a full English, which broke his golden rule of fry-ups being only a Sunday treat. Watching him destroy his mountain of food, I wondered if this abandoning of barrack rules was just for his own pleasure.

  He hadn’t let us off the washing-up of course and it h
ad taken us a good half-hour to get everything gleaming to his standards. As we finished the drying, I noticed that the other lifers were being gently prodded out of the door, and judging by the amount of stuff they were carrying, they wouldn’t be back for the rest of the day.

  I had to admit, it was a relief to see them go. The last thing I needed was someone getting in my face. I didn’t want to spend my last morning with the twins eating carpet for giving someone what they deserved.

  Ron seemed relieved to see them go too. As the minibus swung out of the gates, I saw his face relax slightly, although it still wore the creases of a worried man as he turned to face us.

  ‘Right then, troops. Shall we have a sit in the lounge? Billy’s got something that you might want to watch.’

  I frowned as I tried to work out what he meant.

  ‘The life-story book, Bill?’ he whispered. ‘I thought this would be a good time to show it to the twins. You want me to grab it from your room?’

  ‘Er, no. It’s fine. I’ll get it,’ I said.

  Although I hadn’t thought of watching it with them, I supposed it made sense. So I could explain what it was for, and so they could take it with them.

  It was a bit weird watching it. I hadn’t dared to look at it since Daisy had handed it over. But the twins seemed to get what it was about, once they’d stopped howling with laughter at me talking to the camera. They had both wanted to sit next to me, although once it was in full flow, Lizzie slid on to the floor and laid on her front, chin resting on her hands. You’d have thought she was watching The Princess Bride again, not her brother bumbling his way round the house.

  Louie remained next to me, and while he giggled at the memories of the gallery wall, I could feel the tension in him, the firmness of his grip, as he pushed his hand into mine. I squeezed gently and pulled him close to me.

  It wasn’t until it was nearly finished, and Ronnie appeared on the screen, that I really paid attention. To be honest, I’d forgotten that he’d hijacked Daisy and the camera that day, and watched nervously as he began to speak.

  ‘Hello, you two. It’s me, Ronnie.’

  Despite the casualness of his words, there was still an air of the military about him as he sat, ramrod straight, hair neatly combed.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind me butting in on Billy’s film, but I just wanted to say hello and, er, goodbye as well. I’ve had the honour of being your key worker all this time. In fact, I was there on the very night that the three of you arrived. It seems hard to believe that you’ve been here ever since and that we’ve all been together so long. I just … well, I suppose I just wanted to tell you to enjoy life back at your mum’s. It’s a wonderful thing to have a family, and you only ever get one mum, so look after her, and behave for her as well. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had to make your beds over the years, so don’t have Annie running after you like I have, you hear?’

  He waved as he finished his speech and the camera angle fell as Daisy began to lower her arm. But the camera never flicked off, as Ron butted back in.

  ‘Oh, just one more thing. I’m sure Billy has done a brilliant job of showing you around the house you’ve lived in all this time. But if there’s one thing that you must never forget in the years ahead, it isn’t this house, or any of the carers that have looked after you.

  ‘The thing you mustn’t ever forget is your brother. Because Billy … well, I’ve never met anyone like your brother, and he’s the reason you’ve grown up to be as brilliant as you are. Sometimes I forget that he’s only six years older than you. I shouldn’t. But I do. He’s been like your mum and dad rolled into one for the last eight years. So, whatever you do, don’t forget that. And don’t forget to ring him as well. Go on now, go off and have some fun. I’ll see you soon.’

  With that, the screen fuzzed to black, before I heard my voice again coming from the screen. But I couldn’t see for the tears that were stinging my eyes.

  I don’t do tears. Haven’t done for years. Being angry generally gets in the way. So when I started misting over at Ron’s words, I didn’t know what to do except choke them down before anyone saw. I managed to get them down past my throat, where my anger usually sits, just before it explodes everywhere.

  Once the DVD finished, the Colonel appeared at the door.

  ‘Right then, you two, your mum’s going to be here in an hour, so I need you to go upstairs and check every bit of your bedroom and make sure every last toy is packed and in your bags. I’m not running over to your house last thing tonight just because you’ve forgotten something.’

  The twins rolled their eyes before ambling out of the room, probably wondering if that was the last time they’d have to listen to him having a moan.

  ‘You all right, Bill?’ he asked.

  I didn’t dare mention the film, his bit especially, not with the tears still swimming near the surface. Instead I just nodded.

  ‘I know it’s not going to be easy today. But I’m going to be here all weekend in case you want to talk.’

  I frowned. ‘What do you mean all weekend? Doesn’t your shift finish tonight?’

  ‘Should do. I just thought it might be better if I stuck around, you know …’

  I could see the fear in his face. The fear that I’d give him the same brush-off that I always had. So when I just nodded and walked past him, he looked properly relieved.

  The twins’ room looked weird. With the beds stripped and the walls empty of their posters – well, except for half-peeled football stickers – it looked like a room in a crappy hostel. Which, I reckoned to myself, was just about what it was.

  They’d scoured the room and crammed the remaining bits and pieces into their bags. It all looked so final now that I was desperate to get out of there and back downstairs.

  ‘Come on, then,’ I said, surprised by how chipper my voice sounded. ‘Let’s get your kit out of here. She’ll be here soon.’

  As much as I wanted to stop time in its tracks, I knew it couldn’t happen. And in fact, it felt like only seconds later that Dawn (unbelievably, still our social worker after eight long months) rapped on the door, Annie lurking behind her.

  ‘Hello, all,’ Dawn chirped, her smile fading a little as her eyes landed on me.

  Lizzie couldn’t get past her quick enough and almost knocked Annie clean off her feet as she leapt into her arms.

  ‘Hello, my love,’ Annie sighed as she pushed her face into Lizzie’s hair. ‘I’m so pleased to see you. You’re looking pretty today.’

  ‘Are we going home now?’ Lizzie asked, throwing looks at Dawn, Annie and Ronnie, like she was unsure of who was in charge any more.

  ‘Soon, Lizzie, soon,’ answered Annie, as she looked around. ‘Now, where’s your brother? I haven’t even seen him yet.’

  I frowned as I scanned in front of me, but she was right. No Louie. I looked over my shoulder to find him stood right behind me, a frown threatening to take over his face.

  ‘What are you doing there, Lou?’ Ronnie asked quietly. ‘Aren’t you going to say hiya to your mum?’

  ‘Hiya.’ He waved, an attempt at a smile on his lips. But he didn’t move from behind me.

  ‘Right,’ said Dawn, breaking the tension quickly. ‘Why don’t I start loading up the car and leave you to say your goodbyes?’

  She grabbed an armful of kit and hoisted it over her shoulder, before scuttling away as quickly as she could.

  ‘Louie?’ came Annie’s voice. ‘Louie, I know this is bound to feel weird today. But it’s going to be OK, I promise. It feels weird for me too. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. But I promise you, it’s going to be fine. More than fine. It’s going to be great.’

  She held out her hands to him and slowly he edged closer to her, before allowing her to fold him into her arms.

  He stayed there for a second or two, then levered himself backwards, his eyes flicking over to me, to see my r
eaction.

  ‘Can Billy come with us, Mum?’ he asked quickly, hope appearing suddenly in his voice. ‘Just for an hour or two this afternoon?’

  Annie didn’t know what to say. She looked around, hoping Dawn was on her way back, ready to dive in and save her. Luckily for her, Ronnie did what he always did and butted in.

  ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea today,’ he said, stroking the top of Louie’s head. ‘Any other day, I’m sure that would be fine. But today it would be best if you went with just Dawn and your mum. Give yourself time to settle in at home. Get your stuff unpacked and your pictures on the wall. It’ll be nicer for Billy to see it when it’s finished, won’t it?’

  ‘Suppose,’ Louie answered, his eyes still fixed on mine.

  ‘And don’t forget. We’ve arranged a visit for next Saturday afternoon. We’re going to meet at Pickering Park, then go for a pizza. That’s only seven days, mate.’

  ‘It’ll pass in no time,’ said Annie, unmistakably relieved that Ronnie was there. ‘Look, why don’t I take the rest of the bags to the car and give you some time to say goodbye to Ronnie and Bill? I’ll wait for you there.’

  She picked up their two small bags, before sparing me a smile, the best one she had in her locker. ‘Thank you so much, Billy. I don’t know what else to say. Except, you know, I’m sorry.’

  ‘What for?’ I asked sharply. ‘For what you said to me the other week?’

  Ronnie’s face creased in confusion, but he said nothing.

  ‘For that and everything else.’ For a second, I saw emotion in her eyes and hoped it was regret.

  ‘I don’t know what else to say to you, Billy. I wish I knew.’

  Try I’ve changed my mind, I thought to myself. In fact I’d even settle for Come with us. Anything that meant they weren’t going to walk through that gate with her today. Not without me.

  As she left, I couldn’t help but notice how small their bags actually were. That the contents of their lives could be shoved inside two simple holdalls. They deserved more than that. We all did.