by Ali Winters
Azira gave an energetic salute, bouncing on her toes. “Yes, sir!”
“I want to go with them,” Nivian said quietly. “Please.”
Caspian’s internal debate showed in his eyes, and after a minute of Nivian waiting on bated breath, he conceded. “Very well, I need you to get some rest too.”
Nivian looked to Caspian and took a deep breath. It felt as if it were the first one she had taken in a year. “I will.”
She would stay by Kain’s side as long and as often as she was able.
THIRTY-TWO
KAIN
KAIN LACED HIS fingers and rested his hands atop his head as he leaned back in his chair. He blew out a breath, trying to process everything. It was all a little too fantastical to be real. But then again, only hours ago he had been dead.
“So,” he started and leaned forward, running a hand through his hair before resting his elbows on the table. Colin looked at him, surprised and… hopeful? “I’m sorry, what branch of the government do we work for again? Are we spies?”
To Colin’s credit, he kept his face a mask of neutrality, even if he blinked slowly while trying to keep his patience in check.
Kain didn’t mean to be exasperating, but even with his empty mind there was only so much it could take in at once.
“We don’t work for the government,” Colin said as if Kain were a halfwit, though over the past several hours of questioning and explanations, Kain certainly felt like one. “We are tasked with guarding life and working with Reapers—the kind responsible for deaths, not a cute nickname for assassins. And together we keep the balance between life and death.”
“And this Holter person gave his life for me?”
Colin flinched. “Yes.”
“And he was my…?” Kain raised an arched brow.
“Father. He was your father.” Colin’s face twisted up into a combination between anger and sorrow.
It was clear Holter meant a lot to the man, to everyone. But without his memories, Kain didn’t feel a connection to the father he’d never met, or to any of this.
He would have liked an opportunity to shake the man’s hand and thank him.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—” Kain said, interrupted by the door opening.
Colin waved his apology off.
Kain frowned down at the polished surface of the table, tracing a finger along the grain of the wood. He needed to be more careful with his words. Nivian and Colin had both given him hurt looks at some of the things he’d said and asked, though they thought they’d hid it from him. And they were trying to help him remember who he was. They obviously had a close connection with him before he had died. The two of them had been nothing but understanding.
Though they had each pressed that they were under a deadline to preform a transfer of powers—whatever that meant—they had done their best to avoid putting too much pressure on him or make him feel bad.
They were doing something important and had taken time from their mission to help him understand so he would help them willingly when it probably would have been easy enough to force him.
Kain looked through the empty spaces of his mind again, wishing he could find even just the smallest fragment of memory he could build upon. But there was nothing there.
When no one said anything, Kain looked over his shoulder. Nivian stood in the doorway, her questioning eyes bounced from him to the other man.
Colin didn’t speak until Azira walked through the door. “There is some good news,” he said dryly.
“Kain seems to have retained a basic working knowledge of the world.” The faces of both women remained the same, though Colin held up a hand as if that news would excite them. “But he’s lost everything else. If it was personal, or in anyway important to who he was… is, it has been taken.”
There it was again, that sad look on Nivian’s face. How could she stand to be around him if he always made her feel like that? He ran his hand through his hair, giving it a slight tug of frustration.
Nivian’s head ticked to the side at the movement, and he realized Colin had given him a similar look when he’d done that same gesture earlier.
“We will take you home now, if you are ready,” Nivian said to him.
He was exhausted and sleep sounded amazing. “Yeah, I think I need a chance to process everything.”
As he stood, Colin clasped his hand and pulled him close then clapped him on the shoulder in a movement that felt anything but natural. It was as if he’d wanted to give him a hug but then thought better of it.
“I am glad to have you back, we all are,” Colin said.
Kain tried to smile, but it ended up being more along the lines of a grimace.
Azira drove with the radio at a low volume. Kain sat slumped in the back next to Nivian who had curled up, leaning against the window with her knees pulled to her chest as she silently dozed.
Lights from the passing streetlights were hypnotizing, but he wasn’t ready to let his heavy eyelids close, even though it was very, very tempting.
It wasn’t until the city came into view that he sat up straight. He couldn’t remember anything about the city in particular, so it must have meant something to him.
Several minutes later, Azira pulled up to a tall building. “I’ll be back tomorrow for you two.”
Nivian pushed away from the car window and rubbed her eyes, a faint pink marked the cheek she had pressed against it.
Nivian and Kain got out of the car and watched the other Hunter drive off before Nivian led him up the many flights of stairs. She held her cloak bundled up in her arms but didn’t put it on.
Neither spoke a single word as they climbed to the top floor. He was tempted to ask her why they didn’t take an elevator, and whose home were they going to—hers or his— among many others. But just looking at her, exhausted and deep in thought, kept his mouth clamped shut.
“This is it,” she said in a raspy voice.
Nivian pulled a key from her pocket and swung the door open, motioning for him to enter first.
Kain took in the single room apartment, the kitchen separated from the main room by a single partition counter. There was a closet along the far wall, and a door he assumed led to a small bathroom befitting the rest of the apartment.
There wasn’t much in the way of decoration or furniture. A threadbare couch faced the foot of the bed, angled toward large balcony doors. Several packed boxes were lined up against walls, and a few more on the kitchen counter.
Nivian sat down on the couch, clasping her hands in her lap while he took his time looking around. It surprised him that he didn’t seem to own much. Didn’t he have any hobbies? Or was being a Hunter all he ever had time for?
Kain picked up a white stuffed bear sitting on the kitchen counter.
“Are you okay?” Nivian’s voice made him blink and look up from the toy. “You’ve been looking at that for a while.”
He set it back down on the counter. He’d spaced out looking at it. It had made him want to remember something. There was a feeling, a strong emotion, tied to it that he’d wanted to identify, but everything surrounding it, the memory he knew belonged there was just… gone. And the harder he tried to grab it, the faster it slipped through his fingers.
He opened his mouth to tell her, but remembering how sad she’d been every time he wasn’t able to remember any details… he decided to keep it to himself.
“It’s soft,” was all he managed to say.
Kain ventured into the bathroom. It was exactly how he expected. Small and cramped with a stand up shower crunched into the far corner. Two towels hung on a towel rack; one blue and white striped, the other a baby blue with pink stars. On one side of the counter was a small bottle of hand soap and, on the other side, a cup with two toothbrushes. Above the sink basin was an oval mirror.
When he was finished looking through that room he made his way back out to the main area. Nivian had gone to the kitchen and was heating water over an old electric stove. Her back was to him a
s she readied teabags, placing one in each of the two identical mugs.
Kain felt the heat of color moving up his neck as he realized, too slowly, that they lived together.
The kettle whistled, letting them know the water was ready. She picked it up and tipped it, pouring some in each cup. When she turned around, she didn’t seem to be surprised to find him standing there, watching her every movement.
Nivian handed him a mug without speaking then walked around to his side of the counter and sat down on a stool.
He took the other.
She placed her drink on the counter as the tea steeped, then picked up the bear. A dreamy look crossed her face, then she hugged it to her chest and smiled.
“You gave this to me when you took me to the zoo… it feels like such a long time ago now.” Her eyes remained glued to the small black eye beads of the stuffed toy as she spoke. She sat it down and finally looked at him. “Um, so, I know there’s not much here, but how do you like the apartment?”
Her hesitation in emphasising the history they’d shared was apparent in her wording. Not his apartment, not hers, not theirs… but the apartment.
She brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, waiting for his response. The look of uncertainty was strangely out of place on her.
Since they’d met, she had asked him if he remembered or had some expectation in her eyes. Now she was making small talk. Because, even without meaning to, he’d put her in a position of having to walk on eggshells.
“I know not remembering hurts you.”
“No, it—”
Kain shook his head. “You don’t have to deny it. It’s not just you, but everyone. I can’t imagine what that feels like.”
She hunched her shoulders a little and dropped her chin. The longer he waited for his memories to return, the more frustrated he became.
“Caspian thinks that if I spend time with you, your memories might return.”
“Why is that?” he lifted his mug and blew on it before taking a sip.
“I was once like you, a Hunter that is. But I was turned into a Reaper and lost my memories. But as soon as you interfered with a mark of mine, they returned.”
“I interfered?” He choked on his tea, the hot water nearly scalding his throat.
She laughed. A real laugh that warmed a spot in his heart. “You didn’t know you were a Hunter at the time. You didn’t realize what you were doing.” She listed her head and gave him a rueful smile. “That was the first mark I ever had fail on my first attempt. I was so angry with you for ruining my streak.”
He listened to her tell the story of their first few meetings. Nivian’s eyes glazed over as she told him, laughing at how they kept showing up in each other’s lives, meeting but not meeting, how she’d threatened to kill him after he’d snuck up on her checking her mail and how he never seemed to be scared of her but looked at her as if she were playing a joke on him. Then how he had rescued her from a washer.
They laughed over the stories until long after their forgotten drinks turned tepid and over-steeped.
He was enjoying the stories she told him. But when she started another about driving, he yawned. He couldn’t stop it as hard as he tried. Nivian cut herself off.
“It is getting late,” she said.
“What will happen tomorrow?” Kain asked.
She thought for a moment then said, “I’m not sure. A ceremony, a transfer of powers, maybe for just one of us, maybe for both. I’m not sure. It depends on what you want to do, if you decide to help us.”
He couldn’t believe the words he was about to say. “You said we need to do this to save the balance, the world… and that I’m the only one who can be…” he trailed off, forgetting the term.
“Guardian of Life.”
“Yeah, that. So, even if I’m not sure about all of this, I owe it to you for everything you’ve done.”
“You don’t owe me anything.” Nivian dropped her chin.
“Whether you think I do or not isn’t the point. You said I was the only one who could. So I’ll do it.”
She smiled, her teeth catching the corner of her bottom lip. “Thank you.”
“Is it dangerous?” He wasn’t necessarily afraid, he just wanted to know what to expect. Knowing one thing would at least take a little of the uncertainty away.
“Yes,” she said thoughtfully. “Just make sure your heart is in it. Don’t do this if there’s any doubt.” She looked ashamed then. “I tried once, but I didn’t dedicate myself to it enough and… it didn’t work. But next time. I will make sure that doesn’t happen again.”
He yawned again. “Thank you for the honesty.”
“We should get some rest.”
Kain’s eyes drifted toward the single, queen sized bed.
“You take the bed,” she offered. “I’ll take the couch.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Kain, you were dead this morning. Take the bed,” she insisted.
She stood, but he placed a hand over hers still on the counter. “You saved me at the gate.”
Kain swore at himself internally. Why was he bringing up a topic he knew would be upsetting?
She nodded.
“I don’t…” he started and looked to his hand resting upon hers. “I don’t remember you.”
She cringed, even her fingers curling under his as if he’d dealt her a physical blow. He regretted his words immediately. Every time he said them, he’d meant to say something kinder, more meaningful. But it never came out right.
“I wish I did,” he added quickly, forcing himself to look at her. She had her face angled down and away from him. “I feel like I owe you.”
“I told you, you really don’t owe me anything, Kain.” She still wouldn’t look at him.
He had the urge to reach out to her and push the strands of hair separating them behind her ear so he could better see her face. Instead, he let his hand slip from hers and fall into his lap.
“I knew you meant it when you said you loved me, and when you almost drowned in the river trying to get to me.” She blinked rapidly. Shining silver drops coated the ends of her lashes.
He was silent for a long moment. Spending the last few hours with her alone here was something he’d expected to be awkward, but it wasn’t. Talking to her, being near her, seemed to come naturally.
Kain reached deep inside his heart, feeling for that spark of warmth that flickered then. Stoking it, he willed it to reveal more of itself. “There is no delicate way to ask this, but did I love you?”
Nivian bit down hard on her lip then said just above a whisper, “Yes.”
Kain swallowed the lump that formed in his throat. “There was a reason the old me loved you, and ever since you found me, there hasn’t been a moment when you haven’t given me a reason not to believe we had something worth fighting for.” She looked up at him then and blinked her strange, wintery eyes.
I can’t imagine not falling for you again, he thought, not yet brave enough to say the words out loud.
She looked up at him then and blinked wide, ice blue eyes. A single tear rolled down her cheek. Her lips parted as if she wanted to speak, but words refused to form. Nivian pressed her lips together and after several agonizingly long heartbeats, the barest smile formed.
Tentatively, he reached up and brushed the tear away with the pad his thumb. His hands found their way to her shoulders, then pulled her to him. It was a movement his muscles seemed to find natural, a movement his arms seemed to say, yes, this is familiar.
And the second she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed, he knew it was right. That every word she told him was the absolute truth.
“What if you never get your memories back?” she asked against his chest.
“Then we’ll start over,” Kain said, “together.” His memories—of her, his friends and family, his entire life—might be gone for good. There was no way he could tell, but he had every faith that someday they would return.
Perhaps his he
art or some part of his soul remembered. He’d given everything in his power to move on to his afterlife but this, this wasn’t his to give up and it would always stay with him, because she’d saved him.
Because she’d risked everything to bring him back.
Her fingers dug into his shirt and he held her closer. The feel of her skin even through their clothes set his on fire, the kind that saved a man from cold rather than the harsh destruction the river of the Underworld had brought.
It wasn’t her or anyone else telling him he’d meant something to them or they to him that made him long for the connection. It was the way his body seemed to remember even though his mind was unable. It was the way his heart beat in his chest when she was near.
Nivian pulled away and another tear rolled down her cheek, but she seemed to glow with a joy that he longed to make sure always remained. Kain cupped her face with his hands.
Once again, her face flushed pink. He liked that he had that effect on her. Nivian’s mouth parted and her teeth scraped along her full bottom lip. Kain’s eyes were drawn to the movement and, for a moment, he wondered what the sweetness of her mouth would taste like.
He fought the urge and restrained himself. He couldn't do this, not yet, not if he didn't mean it the way she wanted him to.
“It’s late,” she said again and pulled away.
He cleared his throat, feeling as if he had just woken up from a trance, the gentle haze of dreams wrapping around his mind, lingering.
Nivian walked to the couch and spread a blanket out over it, then moved a pillow to one side. As she busied herself with the covers, she avoided looking in his direction.
Not knowing what else could be said, Kain crossed to the bed. It looked so large and cold after holding her to him, but he climbed underneath the blankets anyway, alone.
Only then did Nivian turn around and pick up the stuffed animal from the counter, looking at him from between her lashes and out of the corner of her eye before she clicked the light off.
She climbed under her own blanket and hugged the bear to her chest tightly, closing her eyes.