I hugged my knees to my chest and closed my eyes. I imagined the clouds rolling by and counted one to ten slowly, slowly in my head. I got to five when I felt his hand on my arm. Gentle. Reassuring. I turned towards him and moved a little closer. He put his arm around me and pulled me in. I rested my head on his shoulder. I was sure he’d be able to hear my heart thumping. It felt good, sitting like that. Like maybe everything could end up being OK after all.
He kissed the top of my head. My heart felt like it wanted to jump out of my mouth. I turned to look at him. Heart thumping. Lips tingling. Shaking. I closed my eyes. He cupped the side of my face.
‘We did it!’ Mila shouted, making us both jump.
Red burst back into life with a sputter and then a roar. That car always had the worst timing.
CHAPTER 17
‘What the actual hell is going on?’
‘Crazy.’
‘Nah, nah, it’s like … surreal. Don’t you reckon?’
‘It’s messed up. Totally messed up.’
I sat on the couch and watched Z and his friends talking over each other. Now and then one of them would give me this sympathetic look, which kinda made me want to scream, but mostly they sounded pretty excited about the wall. And that made me want to scream even more. They analysed and argued like it was a debating topic for a school project, not something that actually affected some of us.
Riley had turned up first. Knocked on the door and scared the shit out of me because people only knocked like that if they had bad news or were the bad news. He was neither. He was Riley. And he was totally stoked (his words, not mine) that there was no school for a few days.
‘Oh, hey, Santee?’ he’d said awkwardly, and gave Z a look I couldn’t quite work out. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Me and Z got married and moved in together,’ I said. ‘Didn’t you know?’
Z cracked up laughing and Riley looked at me like I was some sort of contagious disease. Number Nine on my list of things I learned about Z: he didn’t change around his friends. He was just Z, and I liked that.
‘Santee’s my girlfriend,’ Z said, like it was no big thing.
I felt my face grow hot.
‘I mean, if she wants to be, we haven’t really talked about it, I mean it all kinda happened and, um,’ he stammered, and blushed, which made my heart ache just a bit.
‘Shut up,’ I said. ‘Boyfriend.’
And that was that: it was official. Well, maybe. It was a weird thing to be confused and happy and nervous about when there were way bigger things going on. Way bigger.
Anyway, Riley was there and then Will turned up and Gen and Bas and Imara and I think I’d forgotten how popular Z was. I mean, all these people just showed up to say hi and see how he was going and hang out. No-one ever dropped over to our flat anymore. I wondered if, when this was all over, Z would come and hang out at my place – or would he stay away, too?
Z’s friends were OK. I didn’t know them well enough to say I didn’t like them but I did hate how clueless they were. I sat there as they ate junk food and laughed at in-jokes I didn’t get and got all excited over their stupid theories about the wall. I didn’t say anything cos I was trying to not be the Weird Girl they all thought I was. I didn’t want to prove them right by going off, like I had in the past. But it was hard.
I liked Z. A lot. More than a lot, if that was even possible. But I didn’t fit in with his friends. ‘I’m going for a walk,’ I said suddenly, interrupting Gen’s story about her chihuahua or her cat or maybe her baby sister – I wasn’t really listening.
‘I’ll come with you,’ Z said, but I told him no, he should hang with his friends, and left the house quickly before he could change my mind.
I didn’t have a plan. Not really. I thought if I followed the wall I’d eventually find an opening somewhere, like what the family in the bush had told us. A fence I could crawl under or something. Like I said, there was no plan. There was just the need to get home. To see my family. To make everything better.
The wall looked even bigger than I remembered. I knew I wasn’t going to find an opening. It was complete. And it looked as if it had been there forever.
I tried to climb it, shoved a foot against the concrete, but there was no grip, nothing to hold onto. My fingers slipped. I tried again, even though I knew it was pointless. I took a run-up, thinking I could leap onto the wall like some kind of superhero. Stupid. But I couldn’t stop. Even though my fingers were burning and my body was screaming, I just kept running and running at the wall, bouncing off it, running at it again.
‘HEY!’ a voice stopped me in my tracks. ‘MOVE ALONG.’
The Unit.
I took off, and ran and ran until my lungs felt like they were going to burst wide open.
The News was on because it had to be. As much as Diggs complained about it, he still seemed to follow the rules. Sort of.
‘Good Citizens,’ Varick said.
Instead of saying Our Leader, Diggs burped loudly, which made Mila giggle. Mum had always made us repeat the response. It’s respectful, she would say. But that wasn’t it. She was worried the neighbours might be listening. That didn’t seem to be such an issue in this house.
Varick was making a Special Announcement. He sat at his impressive desk in front of an impressive bookshelf stuffed with impressive books. You get the idea. He smiled gently, calmly, like he was about to tell us a bedtime story.
‘Tomorrow we will open the Checkpoints and allow Citizens with the correct identification to be reunited with their families,’ he said.
‘What?’ I almost screamed, and shuffled closer to the TV to make sure I’d heard him correctly. There weren’t many Checkpoints in the wall and the ones that did exist were for Unit access only. They were so heavily guarded and terrifying that no-one would have even imagined trying to get through them.
‘Worryingly, it has been brought to my attention that a small number of Citizens have ignored Section 28B of the Movement Act. These people are not where they are supposed to be. They have broken the law.’ Varick kept his steady gaze directly at the camera. It was as if he was looking through the screen and right at me. ‘Whilst I am not condoning their actions, I do believe in family. It is one of the pillars of our society, making us a better and stronger people. And so, I am offering immunity to those who need to cross the Safety Border to be reunited with their families.’
I kinda expected him to add something like, But not you, Santee – you don’t deserve your family. He didn’t, of course. He talked about necessary measures and reasonable demands and protection and prosperity and other empty-sounding words. I wasn’t really listening. My mind was racing. I was going home.
‘You can’t go,’ Z said.
‘Bullshit,’ I said, and laughed, cos I assumed he was trying to be funny.
He wasn’t.
‘It’s not safe, come on, you know that. Remember what happened at the fence?’
Of course I remembered. When I closed my eyes, I’d see the blood on the barbed wire, hear the screaming baby. It was something I’d never be able to forget.
‘People are going to get hurt,’ Z said. ‘You’ll get hurt. I don’t want you to get hurt. So you can’t go. Please.’
I stared at him. Speechless. No-one spoke. I looked at Diggs but he was pretending to watch the News. Even Mila wouldn’t make eye contact with me. What the hell was going on? Of course I’d be going to the Checkpoint. They were all crazy to think I’d miss that chance to get home.
‘I appreciate everything you guys have done,’ I said, and tried to steady my voice, ‘but I want to go home. I have to.’
‘It’s not safe,’ Z said.
‘You don’t know that.’
Diggs turned off the TV and stood up. ‘He’s right. You’ll stay here. OK? For as long as you need to. You’re important to Zac, so you’re important to us. Simple.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, still trying to hold onto a little bit of calm. ‘But I’m
going.’
‘No,’ Diggs said, as if it were final.
‘Diggs, come on, you can’t –’
He walked out of the room before I could finish. Just like that. Conversation over. I looked at Mila for backup, but she still wouldn’t look at me.
‘Really?’ I said.
‘Sorry, Santee,’ Mila said. ‘I think he’s just worried about you.’
‘And you, Z? You’re just worried about me?’
‘Of course I am,’ he said. He looked hurt.
‘You can’t stop me from going home!’ I shouted, so Diggs would hear me, then stormed into the guest room and slammed the door.
CHAPTER 18
I woke early the next morning. I didn’t need anyone’s permission to sneak out. That’s why it’s called sneaking out. And that was why I was going to do it. Partly cos I didn’t want to fight with them and partly cos I didn’t want to say goodbye.
That night, Z hadn’t knocked at my door to check on me or say goodnight or anything. I tried not to think about it too much. It was easier this way. Just leave. Get out of there.
I folded the clothes they’d lent me and piled them neatly at the end of the bed. I was back in my school uniform, which felt kinda weird after living in Z’s jeans and T-shirts. But I wasn’t going to start thinking about that, either. I made the bed (Astrid would be proud), left a note that said THANKS FOR EVERYTHING (I was crap with words) and crept out of the bedroom.
The apartment felt dull and grey in the early morning light. I wandered through the kitchen, where I half expected to find Diggs, drunk and passed out at the table. Or Z, stuffing his face with toast. Or Mila, setting up her music stand and asking me if I wanted to hear her play the violin or the flute. Which one, Santee? I hesitated before unlocking the front door and slipping out into the hallway.
‘You’re up and about early.’
I jumped.
‘Sorry, love,’ the woman said. It was their neighbour. The woman from Number Six. She was watering the collection of pot plants that surrounded George the Gnome. She shuffled towards me. Grey hair, glasses, fluffy pink dressing gown and floral slippers. Like some kind of walking sofa. ‘I always give his a little something,’ she said, and watered the very dead-looking pot plant at Diggs’s front door. ‘Don’t tell him. He’ll get cross at me. Say I’m interfering. You know what he’s like.’
I nodded. Yes. I knew what Diggs was like. I mumbled something about being in a hurry and rushed off down the stairs, but it was too late – she’d heard me.
‘Santee!’ Mila shouted.
I considered pretending I hadn’t heard her. I could have done that, I suppose. Just kept on walking. Not looked back. But I didn’t. Mila’s voice was impossible for me to ignore. The realisation hit me as I watched her skip down the stairs: she was kinda like a sister to me. I wiped away the tears that had abruptly filled my eyes.
She was not happy. She said I was irresponsible and inconsiderate and impetuous and other words I didn’t think a ten-year-old would ever use.
‘I’m discussing your behaviour,’ she added. ‘Not you, as a person, but your behaviour.’
It was difficult not to smile but that would have just upset her more. So I nodded and said I was sorry. Because I was. Kind of. Still, she had to understand why I was sneaking out.
‘If you were me, wouldn’t you try everything you could to get back to your family? Wouldn’t you miss them?’
‘Yes,’ Mila said, and then she fell quiet for a moment. ‘I miss Mum so much it hurts,’ she said finally, her voice small and soft.
‘I know,’ I said. When I thought of Dad I’d imagine he was in a cell, locked up but alive. And as much as I hated that, I could still feel a little hopeful that I’d see him someday, somehow. Mila didn’t have any of that.
‘We’re coming with you,’ Mila said.
‘What?’
‘To the Checkpoint. There’s no way we’d let you go without saying goodbye.’
We?
And there he was. Z. Almost tripping down the stairs in his hurry.
‘I brought supplies,’ he said, holding up a paper bag of snacks. ‘Could be a long wait.’
I didn’t know whether I wanted to yell at him or kiss him. The night before he hadn’t listened to me at all, hadn’t cared what I’d wanted to do, and now he was willing to come along even though he was sure it wouldn’t be safe.
‘Don’t bother,’ I said coldly.
‘I’m sorry,’ he replied. ‘I was being a stupid overprotective dickhead last night.’
‘Yep, you were.’
‘I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. And I was being selfish cos I – I like you, a lot, and I didn’t want you to go because who knows when we’ll see each other again,’ he said.
He was right.
‘I’m sorry,’ he added quietly.
I hugged him. Tight.
‘Does this mean you forgive me?’ he said.
‘Yes,’ I said and kissed him without even caring where we were or who saw.
‘Gross,’ Mila said. ‘Can we go now? Please?’
CHAPTER 19
The Checkpoint was located at a section of the wall near the university. The one Astrid used to go to. That old ivy-covered building had remained on the ‘right’ side of the wall. Of course. On a normal day the lawns would be full of students with their heads in books or typing on laptops or having smart conversations. On this day it was empty. But across the road, in front of the wall, stood a mass of people. So-called law-breakers like me who just wanted to get home. Home. It was so close. I couldn’t believe it. All I had to do was step through the terrifying Checkpoint and I’d be there. But first I had to join the huge queue. It looked as if some of them had ignored Curfew and camped out overnight, which was a bit like cheating, and I wished I’d thought of it. But then, seeing the bits of cardboard they’d slept on made me pretty grateful that I’d had the guest room. My room. Santee’s Room. I wondered if Mila would keep calling it that, even when I wasn’t there anymore. I kinda hoped she would.
Unit Officers were everywhere, ignoring us even while they watched us, if that makes sense. They kept shoving people away from the wall like it was some fragile, precious thing we might accidentally break. If only it were that easy. Move back, move back, they shouted. And everyone did. No-one was about to argue with the Unit. Not that day.
I imagined Mum and Astrid waiting in an identical crowd on the other side. Or maybe Mum would have stayed home, just in case. She was always careful. Perhaps it would just be Astrid at the wall, and we’d walk home together. She and Mum wouldn’t be angry, just relieved, but I’d still say, Sorry, a million times over. I’d mean it, too. And I’d be a better sister and daughter and I’d help out more and take maths seriously and keep my temper and cook dinner and never give them anything to worry about. That’s what I thought about as I stood in the crowd at the Checkpoint.
It sounded like a party. Everyone was happy and talking and someone had brought a guitar and people sang along to old songs and I never thought I’d see so many people that excited about heading back to the wrong side. Maybe the wrong side wasn’t so wrong after all? We weren’t all bad. No-one in the crowd seemed like a Threat. They were just normal people who wanted to go home.
The excitement calmed down as the hours passed and the heat increased. The heat seemed to bounce off the wall and slam through our skin. Mila sat on a piece of cardboard, her head on her knees.
‘Maybe you should take her home,’ I whispered to Z.
‘I’m fine!’ Mila said and sat up a little straighter. ‘We have to stay until you’ve made it through.’
‘Waiting is so boring. You should go,’ I said.
What I didn’t tell them was that if they stayed they would make me cry. I knew it. I was a mess of emotion. And I didn’t want them to see that. I didn’t want Z’s last memory of me to be full of snot and tears.
‘Sorry, Santee. You heard her. We have to stay,’ Z said, and shrug
ged.
There were lots of rumours flying around the wall, all these ideas about what was going on and why. It was a socioeconomic experiment. Or an army drill. Or there had been a huge Threat incident that they needed to contain. That one scared me the most because it was the most credible. Something could have happened on my side of the city because something always happened there. A bomb threat. A hostage situation. A shooting. If something like that had happened again that would definitely explain the wall. The people on the nice side of the city always got mad when stuff like that went down, as if it affected them more than us. They’d say how unsafe they felt and more security cameras or Unit Officers or drones would appear. Maybe this time, instead of all that, they’d made the wall.
‘You’re all wrong!’ a woman sitting near us said loudly. ‘Blind and stupid. All of ya.’
People shuffled away from her. They shot her anxious looks. Some told her to be quiet.
‘Ever think maybe Varick’s just an arsehole who wants to keep control?’ she said. ‘Power and greed. That’s what this is.’
‘You sound just like my dad,’ Mila said, and both me and Z told her to shush.
‘Your dad is a smart man,’ the woman said, and laughed.
‘Would you like a snack?’ Mila said. ‘We have sultanas.’
Mila filled the woman’s hands with sultanas and started chatting away with her new best friend. Her name was Lizzie and she loved to talk almost as much as she loved snacks. She told us about her two dogs, who were waiting for her to return, and how scared they’d be, and wondered aloud if any of her good-for-nothing neighbours (her words, not mine) had fed them. She showed us photos of the dogs and we were all saying how cute they were when I realised the whole place had suddenly become very, very quiet.
Everywhere Everything Everyone Page 9