J R

by William Gaddis

  —Embarrassed! but what kind of . . .

  —Don’t worry about it whole thing laid out in the script here might run through it with Milliken on the plane down from Wonder’s funeral pep him up about getting in the act want him right up there on the platform with you sending a man out from Endo to handle the appliances topflight sales . . .

  —Wait no wait Mister Davidoff I mean this whole trip is something I hardly . . .

  —Don’t worry about it haven’t wanted to bother you with . . .

  —I’m not worried about it! Now will you . . .

  —But holy, I mean look Mister Bast glad to go to your funeral pow wow with your Indians myself but the Boss wants me on deck here pull your band together set up your taping tramp out these brush fires get as much of this off your back as I can but you don’t make it easier Mister Bast try to help you out but you don’t make it easier, little communications gap between you and the Boss glad to be the messenger boy but I can’t help what’s in the message even tried to back you up to him he comes right back with how much he’s done for you responsibilities as the parent’s chief executive officer option on five thousand shares at ten I might feel a little different but just coming in to carry your PR load see what it’s like running the store here brush fires calls gang camped out over there on the sofa feeling I’m the only one that keeps things . . .

  —Mister Davidoff listen I know . . .

  —Dave just make it Dave time we got on a first name basis Bast look I know the Boss isn’t easy to handle never are or they wouldn’t be where they are but hire a topflight speechwriter to draft his statements get some mileage out of them hardly reach him myself but some press boy calls him last night he hands out the word on She over the phone, draft of your speech here for the security analyst boys probably call and read them that on the phone too says he’ll call here and doesn’t when he does sounds like he’s in Afghanistan sends through these blunt memos have to fill in the spaces myself wants us to look into Ampex Campbell’s Soup Union Underwear Franklin Mint this SSS insurance outfit tie in with his Health Package Champion Plywood Erebus Productions talk him out of Western Union he finds Walt Disney selling for peanuts wants to look into that sounded on the phone like he said he’d just like to get Mickey Mouse by the short hair even asks me how’s Russia making out, says he has these Russian Imperial bonds what he’s got against Mickey Mouse not saying he’s stupid Bast wouldn’t be where he is if he was real feeling for the gut issue some of this though I just tie up my . . .

  —I know yes but please sit . . .

  —Wants a receptacle for these depletion allowances has Nonny set up Alsaka Development Corp all this energy crisis legislation comes along chance to get in on these gas exploration write-offs retains Milliken’s hometown law firm out there to represent Alsaka so now Milliken’s in touch with the AEC about setting off an underground blast golf game arranged down there for you to discuss it what else can I do carry your golf bag? Even sheep membranes Milliken in on that one too minerals gas timber up to our ass in Indians I mean holy shit Bast what am I supposed to do!

  —Yes well, well please just sit down Mister Davidoff I . . .

  —Yes didn’t mean, just reach the point ask Mooneyham over there for a time cost estimate clean up that pollution mess out at X-L to head off this lawsuit he starts to describe a dream about a hair growing out of his eyeball see what I, what, what’s . . .

  —Just your, your foot here I’d better just put my case down on the . . .

  —Foot? Oh, oh top page there brush right off certainly do meticulous work don’t you Bast wrote a novel once myself you know, maybe a little jealous of you boys with a knack for the arts luxury I can’t afford never finished it, couldn’t just sit on my butt and indulge myself like that why the Boss is impressed the way you keep both balls in the air corporate picture and a hand in the music game had a feeling though since I came on board your corporate hold slipping a little Bast, mind not quite focused may just be the pressure of . . .

  —No it’s, I’m thinking of leaving it the company I mean, I . . .

  —What leaving the, leaving the company? Knew you and the Boss had a little communications gap didn’t know things had gone that far though Bast you . . .

  —No it’s not exactly that it’s just, you see I . . .

  —Always happens better offer someplace else these headhunters sniffing around first whiff of dissatisfaction they know it before you do the way we got Mister Ten-forty there, have you bought and sold before you know what’s happening the Boss know it yet?

  —Yes well I’m sure he expects, I mean you see I just came in originally to help him to . . .

  —Get things on their feet see why they came after you, not exactly a secret what you two put together overnight here really just starting to take off though can’t be planning to pull out tomorrow of course or you wouldn’t have picked up this option probably talked to Piscator just so you don’t plan to sell . . .

  —No I mean I thought that’s why the loan was the only way I could . . .

  —Don’t worry about it just so you’re not planning to sell, get it straight with Nonny wouldn’t leave you up the creek like the lawyer company I just left little weasel named Beaton father was a law partner of Senator Broos’ brother and their Washington lobbyist Frank Black only reason they keep him, left the barn door open when their top man picked up his option day before he quit ten minutes later they’re facing a minority suit paid out a fistful . . .

  —Yes but all I . . .

  —Better ride uptown with you put our heads together with the Boss go over the whole thing Bast heard he started looking at Diamond Cable when it fell to sixteen may be another of Crawley’s stunts specialist for Diamond probably sold it short there himself when Typhon pulled back on that tender offer rumor some big blocks in family trusts didn’t move when old man Cates cracked the whip but with City National banking Crawley Wiles all the rest of them got the Boss up to his ass in bellies on these five percent margins price drops and . . .

  —Yes but listen Mister Davidoff about this stock opt . . .

  —Thinking of leaving the company Bast sooner we sit down with the Boss the better see he’s expanding the board of directors for instance couple of names I never heard of looked in the Directory of Directors for Urquhart and this other one Teets? Not there either where he recruited them . . .

  —No well you see I recruited them all he wanted was I think the law requires a certain number of . . .

  —Seen how I’ve been running the store here Bast might want to put in a word at dinner for what’s this Virginia, Angels East what’s Angels East . . .

  —That bald man Mister Davidoff his name is Mister Wall . . .

  —Decker here give him this tell him I’m in conference oh and Virginia gang on the sofa there tell them Mister Bast and I have to get uptown the Boss wants . . .

  —No please I’m listen I . . .

  —Little embarrassing for me sometimes you know Bast admit I’ve never met the Boss put this profile together want to get a little feel for him chance to get across his image start grooming him for something big just take this X-L pollution mess, make a front page image as the good corporate citizen but he’s so mad at that smartass Boy Scout came up with those color ink samples from the stream there some school science project wants to let them sue get the kid in court have Nonny wipe up the floor with, wait you didn’t wear a coat?

  —No but listen . . .

  —Get mine be right with you put Mooneyham there on the stand they’d end up fining X-L triple damages plus costs shut down production till it’s cleaned up, get you or the Boss out there call it accidental spillage study underway get out for five six thousand good corporate citizen image give the little bastard a fifty dollar award engraved certificate banquet at Howard Johnson pull in his scout troop science teacher American Legion Woody Owl get the whole what lose something . . .?

  —No I thought there were some sandwiches here I thought I’d just tak
e . . .

  —Must have cleaned them up wait something right behind plate right behind you Virginia what’s . . .

  —It’s that cottage cheese with ketchup Mister Hopper had but he put out his cigar in the . . .

  —No no call room service order Mister Bast a ham and like ham and cheese?

  —No I’m never mind Virginia listen Mister Davidoff I have to leave and we can’t . . .

  —Hold out a little longer put our heads together with the Boss over beef Wellington little place up near . . .

  —No but listen I’m trying to tell you he’s not here he’s not at the uptown not in town at all Mister Davidoff he . . .

  —Up there last night thought he was still on tap don’t worry about it ride up with you anyhow never seen the uptown layout you know, use some of that equipment you’re getting in right here if we had it shredder for instance and this Telecopier four hundred reminds me you might want Virginia on staff up there too, good hearted really tries heard you’re having some problems gal answering your phone told Crawley to wait Virginia want to call off those media boys tell them to freeload someplace else tonight oh and Vir . . .

  —But wait that wait that that woman over there who’s . . .

  —Skinner’s gal thought you’d met her Bast real topflight track record in curr something wrong there Virginia what’s . . .

  —Listen I have to leave I’m . . .

  —She put these contack lenses in this glass of water Mister Davidoff she thinks maybe Mister Mooneyham got it only now she can’t see who’s . . .

  —Yes well look for just tell her to wait where’s Mister wait tell Mister Bast to wait be right with him man in the cowboy hat there what’s cowboy hat and boots who’s . . .

  —That’s this Mister Brisboy Mister Davidoff he . . .

  —Yes well tell him to Skinner’s gal there tell her to sit down find who drank that glass of wait get Mister Bast at the door there be right with him if Mister Ten-forty doesn’t show up tell Skinner to . . .

  —But he’s here Mister Davidoff this Mister disomething he’s over at the sofa with them he said please don’t interrupt them and this Mister Duncan was up the hall he said Mister Skinner got mugged up by the mop closet they . . .

  —Ever hear the one about the fellow named Skinner who took the young lady to supper?

  —Now if we pay attention this may help us understand our real life roles and aggressive feelings in a merger situation, and help us in the dedecision making process, now Mister . . .

  —No no it was Tupper took a young lady to dinner, by quarter of nine . . .

  —Mister Mooneyham you sit here and Mister Hopper you sit here now in this little skit I will take the part of the clown and Mister Mooneyham you will be the mouse . . .

  —Quarter of nine they sat down to dine by quarter of ten he was up her doesn’t rhyme with dinner . . .

  —If we pay attention Mister Hopper and you are the cat, remember I’m the clown and I say, let’s get a cat, and Mister Mooneyham remember you’re being the mouse and you say let’s not get a cat, because you’re afraid he would eat you . . .

  —Tupper that’s it took her to supper, by quarter of nine they were ready to dine by quarter of ten it was in her . . .

  —And now I go over and open the door so the cat can come in, and I tell him to come in . . .

  —Not Skinner, the dinner . . .

  —Yes now Mister Mooneyham remember you’re being the mouse and you overhear us, and so the mouse comes in where the clown can’t see him and closes the door on the cat . . .

  —Wait just wait now where’s oh Virginia what happened to Mister Bast call the desk get that door there where’s Brisboy . . .

  —Who . . .?

  —Oh Mister Bast wait, are you Mister Bast? I just saw you slipping out . . .

  —I’m, first tell me who you are . . .

  —Yes let me help you with your bundle you’re going to the elevators? And you are Mister Bast I’m Mister Brisboy from Wagner . . .

  —Yes now look Mister Brisboy I’m leaving I’m, I have to get uptown and I can’t stop to . . .

  —Yes I’ll ride up with you here’s our elevator, we can have a delicious talk in the cab and you do need help with your things Mother’s found me a new analyst up at the corner of Ninety-fifth Street and I simply must . . .

  —Mister Brisboy listen I’m just about at the end of my . . .

  —Oh I understand Mister Bast that stuffy suite with all those crass people I took one look, we couldn’t have heard one another speak and there is so much to discuss do we go out this way? I’d tried to call your office but a girl answered with the most indecent and quite impractical suggestion I’d quite despaired of ever . . .

  —Yes well listen I’m in a hurry you don’t need to . . .

  —Simply abandon you here with this great big box I wouldn’t dream of it, what can be in it . . .

  —Well it’s a, it’s just an Indian suit I . . .

  —An Indian suit how delish! Oh it does sound like a fun company after all there’s a cab oh cabby? Cabby . . .?

  —Mister Bisboy please I’m, Brisboy listen why don’t you just get that cab and . . .

  —I’d have to hurl myself under his wheels wouldn’t I aren’t they just obscenely rude with their little Off Duty signs is that the word your mother used too? Oh wait here we are here we are . . . no no get in back we’ll put your box up here in front with this savage at the wheel, there. Straight uptown driver, to the very fringe of the jungle oh forgive me was that your knee? What a cute outfit . . .

  —Yes well I, I thought you wanted to discuss some, to talk about the company or . . .

  —It’s all so exciting yes where shall we start, being asked to join your family of companies Mother feels that’s what we need and she’s never really been one for family if you could see Uncle Arthur, of course I won’t go into some of the actual family members I’ve just met with her except you of course if she found your J R person rather crass on the telephone I can imagine her reaction to your leg and tit person in there from Zanesville but . . .

  —To our, who . . .?

  —Your wallpaper person he was discussing the menu with someone who said I’m a ham and eggs man and he said I’m a leg and tit man myself so crass not that unlike Uncle Arthur, he seems to expect your pushy little person with all the cufflinks to fix him up with your blind lady person with purple lipstick on her teeth for fifty cents I can’t tell you how relieved I was to see another young face . . .

  —Yes well I, I’d expected you to be a good deal older Mister Brisboy I thought Mister Crawley said that your, your business belonged to two brothers and when one died his widow wanted . . .

  —Oh he’s your stock person isn’t he yes he sounds like an absolute bear no it was Daddy who died and Uncle Arthur wants out I can’t tell you how relieved Mother and I will be to see him go if your Piscator person can arrange it he sounds quite crass too is he? And you must tell him to stop calling Mother Mrs Wagner every time he calls like Cosima if you please of course that’s where we got it if you knew the number of times I’ve sat through Tristan with her five hours uncut at the Paris Opéra simply relentless, she thought Brisboy sounded a little frivolous I suggested Charon of course but she found that a trifle recherché and felt Wagner might attract a nicer clientèle but of course everyone simply calls it wag-ner even your J R person in our mercifully brief telephone chat kept whining wag-ner wag wag like a doggy’s tail can you just lean forward and tap on the glass, oh driver . . .? Driver? We’re not in a mad rush and we don’t want to suddenly become statistics Mother told me that’s what your J R person wanted me to discuss with you?

  —Yes well I hardly . . .

  —She said he sounded quite ecstatic to learn that two billion dollars was spent on funerals last year and you simply must tell him the death rate is climbing steadily imagine, only a hundred and eighty million funerals in America since our dear country was born and we count on two hundred million in just the
next forty-five years!

  —Yes well I’m, I know he’ll be delighted yes he . . .

  —We get one out of six now in the Fort Lauderdale area and Mother’s been constantly after me to bring in that second one to make it two out of six that would be one out of three I think? You know there are over twenty thousand of us across the country but even the largest single chain has less than one percent of the trade were these the statistics you wanted? Because even one percent just think the Social Security persons estimate a twenty percent rise in the death rate between nineteen seventy and nineteen eighty so there should be enough to go round if we can trim some of these frightfully blatant costs we’ve already tried working something out along the cluster concept so we wouldn’t have ten hearses all out roaring down the roads at once and then all of them standing around empty waiting that’s why Mother’s so entranced with this package approach your J R person wrote her about does he do all his memoranda in lead pencil?

  —Yes well you see generally he . . .

  —Crabbed age and youth oh I know but what a delicious name to choose for your nursing homes someone’s been reading South Wind isn’t it the most delicious book ever written! Of course I’d assumed it might be your J R person but when he misspelled Nepenthe among other things and . . .

  —Yes well I’m sure he hasn’t, never even heard of it no he just bought into this nursing home stock when it first . . .

  —Yes how frightfully thoughtful of him all these old dear persons no one wants underfoot to pasture them off in great dank government hospitals at public expense would be quite unthinkable and simply reek of socialism of course free enterprise owes them the dignity of private care after all they’ve done to make our dear country what it is and Mother tells me you have a Senator person leading the good fight for Eldercare so there won’t be those dreary scenes over unpaid bills, and of course the idea of discreet signs placed tastefully about suggesting our services Mother was utterly charmed but I think not in the room itself do you? No near the exits for visitors leaving that delicious old dear person all tucked up in beddy perhaps for the last time just a hint of stained glass and the simplest of messages Uncle Arthur suggested a hearse with the line getting there is half the fun so outré Mother and I thought simply Wagner is ready when you are or do you like they, when they are, of course we thought of when He is but one really must tread on tippy toes it makes Him sound rather like an abductor don’t you think? Or don’t you think . . .